DOSE:

repeated

inhaled

Nitrous Oxide

(gas)

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

Who Is Speaking Please
(year: 2013, a great many whippets) On several different occasions, when experiencing a serious nitrous buzz from many whippets, I would overhear voices. The voices would have a very specific feel to them, a feel of intense and profound ennui, a total exhaustion of excitement, thrill, or interest, as if they were coming from people or entities who had experienced so much, nothing was a surprise anymore, nothing was of interest. They sounded like entities who desired greatly just to die, so that they could stop experiencing altogether. They were the most jaded voices one could imagine. On one occasion I heard one of them say 'Oh, look. He ends up in Phoenix.' (I live there now.) It was very specifically a voice from outside me, or at least, that's what it seemed like, like I was overhearing someone.

The Fade
(year: 2014, after approx. 200 whippets) I was laying in a bed with a single lamp above me lit. The lamp began to lose both size and strength of brightness. It was literally pulling away from me, growing smaller as the distance between my face and the light and surrounding light shade increased. As it grew smaller, it seemed to also recede into darkness, the image of the lamp and shade growing dimmer and dimmer. My brain jumped to a conclusion that this meant I was dying, leaving this plane of existence somehow. I called out to a friend who was using besides me that I was dying, and she responded that I wasn’t dying. The moment she finished saying that, the lamp and shade snapped back (without sound) to full size and brightness as if it had never changed at all. It was very creepy and the feeling of leaving this life has stayed with me ever since.

Artificial Satori
(year: 2015, about 10 whippets) I was in the midst of a very powerful nitrous addiction and doing quite a bit every day. I took a large hit and my mind was filled with many thoughts. Then, suddenly, as if a switch was flicked, my brain was...utterly, profoundly quiet. No craving. No desire. No fear. Just a simple puzzlement at what had happened. Where was the normal me, all full of sound and fury, signifying confusion? What had happened? Who shut off the cravings full-stop? And the noise of thinking? And HOW? I thought about taking another hit, and there was no excitement, no flutter in the stomach that is a hallmark of addiction with me, no desire at all. For that, or anything else. No need. No dukkha whatsoever.

Taking another hit felt like a betrayal of a huge unasked-for gift, but I did it anyways, because I already knew I would. Or was that a post-facto justification? The next hit started up a craving machine and it revved up until I felt like my normal self. It literally felt like a fan belt starting in motion, wrapping around Desire and Craving, helping both of them move each other. It ramped up until I was back to my normal craving self.

In any case, it is a state of mind which has stuck with me. It is fading, but writing it down is at least something. There have been many times when I wish I had had the strength of character to quit doing nitrous at that moment, thrown my dispenser away, and walked away from the entire mental experiment enterprise. I didn't and paid a very heavy price afterwards, but I am still grateful that I felt that peace -- I now know that it is possible, and I am working on ways to initiate it without drugs.

Unwinding the Path
(year: 2015, third whippet) Similar to prior visions of what I consider to be an “unwinding” or “fractal” nature, something almost ineffable was revealed. I felt a pathway being carved out of Reality, a pathway I had followed or was supposed to have followed. It felt like a channel within my brain itself, and yet, also a channel through space-time that I had followed as an entire entity during my history here in this plane or 'verse or what have you. The path I had followed was “unwinding” as if someone was rewinding Time itself to correct something I had done. My mind connected it with prior visions, visions of what Death actually is, of the Weaver correcting the damage to the Pattern that I had caused by taking drugs in such quantities as to exceed my body's capacity for self-healing and repair. However, I have no idea if the vision was related to any of that in actuality. I did have a sensation of *great* peace and love as the unwinding got closer and closer to the space-time location that I currently inhabited, and the unwinding got slower and slower as it approached a location in space-time, as if I was being deposited with great gentleness and a surpassing love and kindness back into my present being. There was no overt warning, only a feeling of love and kindness coupled with a sadness that this was once again necessary. But my mind took it as a warning, and again, I was overcome with shame and guilt.

All the Corners Slid Apart
(year: 2015, second whippet) As the nitrous took hold, every single line and corner in my line of slight split from its background as I moved my head, as if all lines of perspective were actually the edges of an object, and as I moved my head just a few inches, I was able to see 'behind' every single one of those lines.

Along my line of sight, my vision was enhanced to see what I took to be some sort of shuttle or bobbin, moving back and forth with tremendous force and great speed, along some sort of thread or bead of Reality. Everything I could see was made of a golden energy, vibrating with force and light and motion while still standing still. My mind connected it (rightly or wrongly) immediately with damage to my body, that each hit of a substance was increasing that damage and causing the shuttle to move even faster and farther with more energy required for each pass, to keep my body from ending or some sort of change from occurring.

My immediate reaction was deeply emotional: full of guilt and shame, wondering why I should have this incredibly mystical vision and (my interpreted) information revealed to me, questioning the Revealer and speaking out loud “Oh God, now I feel even worse. Why did you show me that? You know I'll just want even more now!” I cried intensely afterwards.

This was at the end of a major period of nitrous addiction that had an incredibly negative effect on my life.

Exp Year: 2013-2015	ExpID: 109718
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 45
Published: Jan 10, 2018	Views: 1,422
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Nitrous Oxide (40) : Unknown Context (20), Entities / Beings (37), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)