DOSE:

repeated

inhaled

Nitrous Oxide

(gas)

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

Through a great many experiences, I had multiple times on nitrous when I seemed to sense a fractal echo of the Reality we're in, nestled right next to another reality, perhaps slightly different than this one in some way, but not that I could tell, next to another, next to another... As if every object around me had 20 copies in a row (trending to the right and in a slight curve downwards), but it was every object, and somehow none of the copies of the objects overlaid each other. I was perceiving a group of 20 or 30 'verses of the multiverse all at once. When I spoke, I could hear 20 me's speaking, with tiny little delays all down the line. During one of these experiences, I had a vision of lifting my head above a surface and causing a massive ripple or wake in a substrate. The best way I can describe it is this:

Picture a record made of vinyl spinning on a turntable. Now, perceive that the record is grooved as a record normally is. However, the grooves are being made by activity *below* the vinyl. There are thousands, millions, trillions of beings under the vinyl, doing their thing, causing these patters in the record to form. Now, every once in a while, one of those creatures does something that causes their consciousness to peer above the surface of the vinyl, to actually break through that vinyl substrate and that creature is presented a view of the record itself, to see the grooves it itself is making in the substrate. The problem is this: by breaking through the substrate, a massive rent, rift or wake is being created by that consciousness. The very act of getting that birds-eye view of the substrate is rending the substate tremendously, altering — in fact wiping out and replacing with a giant mess — not only the groove of that specific consciousness, but of many consciousness near it. The pattern, the groove of the record, is changed beyond the ability of any of the consciousness under the substrate to fix. Like a knife was inserted into a very hot vinyl record, cutting into it and warping the vinyl as it spins around the turntable — but from underneath.

I was looking “backwards” in relation to the movement of the substrate (backwards in time?) at the moment I looked through the substrate, and I could see the ripple effect my new view was causing in the substrate. Not only that, but because I had this multi-verse view, I could see many of the different 'verses were being impacted by my actions *just in the one ‘verse*. Somehow I was impacting all sorts of multiverses just from one. And this was emphatically not a good thing. I received this impression (I have no idea from where, might have been entirely my own interpretation but it felt more than that, like something communicated to me) that, while I was causing a great deal of interest in the entities watching this substrate (because this type of event happens relatively rarely) it was causing a lot of damage that would eventually have to be fixed, or paid for in some way. When I perceived this huge effect my view was having, I ducked very quickly back down into one ‘verse, this ‘verse, this mind, this body.

I was pretty shaken by the experience. I was left with this impression:

There is a plan, or a system, what I call a “Pattern”. Its ultimate objective is unknown to me. It underlies everything, sentient and non. It takes effort to continue operating, a lot of effort. If beings enmeshed in the Pattern take matters into their own hands, it changes the pattern that is in operation. Think of existence as both the strings of fabric laid out on a loom and the Woven Pattern itself. Imagine the characters woven into the fabric being able to perceive the fabric itself if they make a strong enough effort. Perception of the Pattern alters the Pattern – as we know from our own science, there is no perception of an object which does not affect the perceived object in some way. The belief of separation between perceiver and perceived is a convenient fiction for specific problem domains, but for Reality as a whole, it is impossible. Is it possible to imagine a pattern that is made “better' by the actions of those who cannot see or understand the greater pattern as a whole? Can it possibly be that *all* actions are good, are integrated into a pattern the size and complexity of which our human minds cannot comprehend? From the perspective of the Weaver, would the individual actions of the entities within the Fabric be of value, or of irritation? Could they be both, or neither, or any combination all at the same time?

I do not know if those changes are good or bad. I do know that it affects the pattern. Without knowing if the changes are good or bad, is it possible to know if I should continue with the actions that I feel change the pattern? Yes, if one cares at all about causing pain and anguish to those around us. If it is a value to “leave a place better than when you came into it” then following the Pattern is very important. An assumption is made that the Pattern itself is of value, is a good thing, is something that should not be rebelled against and something to be protected. What if the overall Pattern requires weaving some pain on the behalf of those making it and those enmeshed within it? My experiences have tried to communicate to me that I should follow the pattern, that I should attempt to correct for the damage to the pattern I have already caused by so much abuse of my body by drugs. Part of me rebels against this knowledge. How was I to know that I was causing that amount of damage? Why is it not possible to inform us of the full impact of our actions so we can act with insight and ethics? My own experience has shown me that the more of the Pattern I am shown, the more eager I become to escape or transcend this life and move on to whatever level of existence gets me closer to the love and care that has been revealed to me. Asking for more knowledge, and attempting to get it through damaging this avatar using drugs not meant for such heavy consumption or usage, has only lead to great mental anguish, stress, and pain and sickness. I got to a point where I was not sure I *could* stop.

Changes made to the Pattern by the individual pro-action of the entities enmeshed in it were revealed to me as…troublesome in their effect for the Weaver(s). They were causing (more?) effort, marring the pattern in a very sublime way. I made a lot of assumptions about what that meant at the time it was revealed. My assumption was: more effort is “bad,” that I have caused trouble on behalf of entities I did not even know existed before the vision occurred. Later questioning of that assumption feels like trying to justify more poor behavior – “it’s ok because it feels good and is super-interesting and the most compelling thing that has ever happened to me and God must want me to go through this.” This was a dangerous pastime. It lead me to think that there is meaning in things that may not have meaning, and propelled paranoid delusions.

It is overwhelmingly clear that this substance is amazingly bad for me, leads to terrible decisions and a lot of pain in peoples’ lives that I want to be close to. It makes me feel suicidal. It fuels fantasies and delusions. It makes me feel totally crazy. I want to feel that love and understanding and mystical knowledge again so badly, I am desperately afraid of what I would do to get it to happen again. I feel like something important has been lost, some moment of time passed wherein there is no way back.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 109722
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 44
Published: Jan 10, 2018	Views: 1,151
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Nitrous Oxide (40) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Entities / Beings (37), Retrospective / Summary (11), Unknown Context (20)