DOSE:	0.5 tablets	oral	MDMA
	1 hit	oral	LSD
	0.5 tablets	oral	MDMA
	0.5 tablets	oral	MDMA
	2 glasses	oral	Alcohol - Beer/Wine

BODY WEIGHT:

14 st

I am writing this on the third of January 2017, after having had one of, if not the, greatest experience of my life on new year’s eve into the new year. It was at a party, at a friend’s house, but before I tell you about it, I shall say something about myself and about my life prior to this experience which influenced the set and setting.

I am a 29 year old male. I used to live by myself, but after being burgled, I moved back in with my mother. I do not work, except for guitar lessons I give (I have a degree in music) and have not worked for over four years. Because of severe mental illness I am relieved of the obligation to look for work. This illness is psychosis. I would say that it was drug-induced, it was the result of becoming addicted to MDMA and combining that with vast amounts of cannabis smoking. At the same time, as anyone who knows anything about addiction and mental illness knows, stressful and unpleasant aspects of life as well as my innate propensity for the illness played their part too.

I was prescribed aripiprazole which got rid of the psychosis, for the most part. Some might say I am stupid and irresponsible, but several months after taking aripiprazole, I started taking recreational drugs again, mostly my beloved MDMA with the necessary accompaniment of strong weed… that was about three years ago, so let’s fast forward to 2016. In the summer of 2016, I gave up drugs. Then at the beginning of October, I took some MDMA, this time in the form of high-quality pills, and LSD for the first time and had a great time. Thus began another period of indulging to excess in drugs; however, compared to previous periods where I took absurd quantities of crystal MDMA, lethal doses, I have treated the pills with more respect. Flipping has been the order of the day – the pills have been combined with mushrooms and LSD.

So, in December, following consecutive weeks of taking drugs, I had a bad trip. In many respects, it was the worst trip I’ve ever had. I was with a friend, and I really should not have taken drugs, basically, but I took them stupidly as well. For a start, I smoked weed, which was foolish, as although a little bit can be ok now and then, I would say more than any other drug for me it is cannabis that induces psychosis and depression; I actually despise cannabis. Also, we did not take enough ecstasy; after having taken it on several consecutive weeks prior to this bad trip, for some reason I thought ‘Ok, just take a small amount this time’ when what I should have done was have at least as much as on previous occasions since tolerance builds up; what’s more, I crushed the pill and sniffed it, which is an inferior method of taking it compared to eating it, since it does not last as long and seems to produce effects more comparable to cocaine. So, the experience was full of hatred and misery; it was positively excruciating, the music I love sounded abysmal and I was psychotic. It was especially painful and distressing because I shared the experience with someone who I love and adore – she is not my girlfriend, although I wish she were. I will refer to her as my unrequited lover.

After this experience I promised myself I would never take drugs again. I was depressed. My mother noticed and didn’t like it, and this in turn made me feel even worse. At times I had auditory hallucinations, even though of course I was still taking my medication, and this made me panic. What I really wanted was to see my unrequited lover again, to apologise for some of the things I had said and just have a nice chilled time to make up for the trauma and depression I brought on us both. I bought her Christmas presents and just before Christmas, I texted her, but she was very unresponsive and despite me telling her I had bought presents, she was not interested in seeing me. Of course, one cannot bribe someone with presents to make them see you, but I was furious. I remember lying in bed, my heart beating with rage, unable to sleep, and at some point, a disembodied voice started whispering to me. For the next few days I was mildly psychotic and got little sleep. Then on the 27th she texted me saying I could come round, and I felt intense joy, although I could not take her up on the offer because I had family stuff to attend to. After that I found it easier to get to sleep, although the disembodied voice and difficulty concentrating continued.

Any way, a good friend of mine invited me to a new year’s party, and I took him up on his offer. I had realised that last time I had had the bad trip for a reason – it had been several weeks so reasonable time for one’s brain to replenish its serotonin; obviously I would not smoke cannabis this time – in fact, I had given up cigarettes on Christmas day. So I arrived at his house, had an ale, enjoyed seeing familiar faces and meeting new people. Around 40 minutes after arriving (at about 9:10 in the evening) I took half a pill, a blue Tesla. It gave a nice a subtle effect – initially I found it a little hard adjusting to not being able to smoke, everyone there was smoking cigarettes, but the half a pill got rid of that. So we were playing games and drinking, then about an hour after having the half a pill, I took one tab of LSD. Games continued, and I found myself yawning quite a lot, but I felt good, if a little nervous. They had decided that the radio would be on all night rather than youtube which disappointed me a little because I love music and like being able to choose some music I like. So at one point I went for a brief walk with my personal CD player.

When I got back I was feeling good. One moment sticks in my mind: I went upstairs, and on the landing one female friend of mine, who by this point had obviously taken ecstasy, was sat close next to a girl who I did not know who also was on ecstasy, and they were affectionately leaning each other’s heads together, perhaps they were quasi-hugging. Despite my having taken lots of ecstasy and been involved in a fair few parties, I don’t think I had ever seen such a lovely, casual, friendly show of affection… Perhaps at raves, but that was strangers in public with the back drop of oppressively loud music. So seeing these two girls I suddenly casually realised, with quiet, casual joy, that this was what a drug or more specifically, MDMA experience should be like. So I cosied myself up next to the girl who I knew. Other people were there and we all chatted… at some point I took the other half of my pill. It seemed to hit me quite quickly and that, in addition to the LSD, manifested itself in a funny kind of stimulation, I could not control my eyes, they were darting all over the place, I could not relax, but at the same time I was feeling great.

At some point we go downstairs for the countdown to new year. Then back upstairs again, on the landing, I give out some mushrooms I brought with me. I was going to give these out for free, but my friend who had invited me insisted that I swap it for half of a small pill – this made me very happy, and I took the half a pill. It was in the shape of a ghost. I also gave some mushrooms to the two girls. Then back downstairs again… more people were arriving, and I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed and amorous.

Although my friend was adamant at the beginning of the evening that only the radio should be on, as he became more drunk and intoxicated, he became more relaxed about this. So I plugged in my personal CD player… We actually alternated the radio and my music for a while. We were dancing and having a good time; people both friends I had met before and new people, were being affectionate to me – one girl I had met once before persuaded me to take my coat and bag off. Then disaster struck. I looked on the speaker – my CD player was not there, I looked in my bag – it was not there. I quite quickly jumped to the conclusion that someone at the party had stolen my CD player; I quickly concluded that it was some sort of conspiracy against me, that they were mocking me and the music I had put on, that they had despised it. I told them ‘someone has stolen my CD player’ but no one seemed to care much. I sat down. I put my coat back on. I looked at my watch – it was about 2:30 in the morning. ‘Too late and too early to catch the train back home’ I thought. I felt an ugly kind of superior feeling arise, that the music I was playing (John McLaughlin’s seminal psychedelic classic ‘Devotion’) was obviously better than their silly pop music. Since I was high, the sadness and anger one would get from being robbed instead manifested themselves in feelings of smugness and superiority. A few other people asked me how I was. I told them maybe I had lost my CD player, maybe it had been stolen… Eventually, the girl who had convinced me to take my coat and bag off told me to stand up, and she gave me a very long hug and told me to relax. Of course, it is well known that a long, close, proper hug can be very beneficial both physically and mentally. After this, it occurred to me to reach into the pocket of my coat, then into the hole in my pocket into the fabric of my coat. The CD player was there.

I realised how offensive it was to accuse people of stealing my CD player. But I said it didn’t matter. They casually agreed. As I mentioned, I had been burgled in 2015, by people who I knew, and had lost most of my beloved CD collection amongst other things. It has left me scarred and sometimes the paranoia and feelings of violation it induced reappears.

But, this created a sense of tension and release and in a way helped to reinforce the feelings of great appreciation and love I had previously felt (which was now redoubled) for my friends at the party, also the people I had only just met, and people who perhaps I had only met once before. People clocked that I was feeling good again. A few times I was offered more beer but had already drank two ales and found that sufficient. At one point I put the rest of my beloved ‘Devotion’ back on.

Eventually people began to leave, and some people went to bed. I looked in two of the bedrooms – people, men and women, were together in bed in a beautiful and innocent display of camaraderie and affection. As with seeing the two girls before, seeing this, for me, was unprecedented. This, I thought, is what an MDMA session should be like. I imagined this is how hippies in the 60s and 70s who had got hold of MDMA or MDA might have behaved like, how this was why the drug was truly therapeutic.

However, I did not join them. I went back downstairs and sat there in contemplation. During this time I experienced awesome amounts of therapeutic psychological reflection, great, oceanic feelings of love and joy... feelings of empyreal bliss, genius and Godliness. I reflected on the debates I had had in my life, my political opinions, and they seemed charged with an importance and significance that hitherto they had never had. I felt a tremendous sense of authority and belief in my own perception of the world, and belief in my own capabilities. I felt beautiful, profound and philosophical.

While this was great enough, probably the highlight was listening to 'In a Silent Way/It's about that time' from the album ‘In a Silent Way’ by Miles Davis. Of course, the whole album is divine, profound, but John McLaughlin's solo on 'It's about that time' especially so. The phrase from 8:29 to 8:40 (for those who are interested) just a few bends appeared with such profound Godliness... they actually appeared vividly in my mind’s eye as two rectangles with alternating black and white panels diagonally across, like yin and yang, with tear-shaped droplets in the middle... there is definitely something oriental about McLaughlin's playing here, it's so understated, effortlessly profound, insouciant contemplation of God. Its divine expressive import is derived from a kind of exploratory noodliness... I actually experienced in an abstract manner the two ostensibly opposing forces of playing that seems so unsure of itself, so humble, with a perfection, a quiddity... it seems to suggest it could be an infinite number of ways, indeed, is music that is cognizant of the fact that things can happen in an infinite number of ways, and that by acknowledging this, the outcome paradoxically has greater authenticity as an object that is 'frozen' i.e. recorded.
This was a transcendental, visionary moment for me. The yin/yang image took me onto a plateau of bliss that has stayed with me. It is hard to explain. It feels like normal, cosy and not at all intoxicated, no weirdness, not overwhelming, not extreme or messed up; just a casual acknowledgement of something crucial that is self-evident, but that is so easily forgotten in life. It feels like God, but I am not sure.

I am afraid I experienced hardly any visual hallucinations to speak of, and those I did, I cannot describe. In any case, while sometimes I do get cool visual effects from psychedelics, their coolness is dwarfed by the profound cognitive effects they cause, in the right set and setting. They create an awesomely profound euphoria that complements MDMA’s different kind of euphoria, and give it a philosophical aspect. I felt loved, understood, and appreciated and I cannot conceive myself abusing these divine chemicals again like I had done in the past.

Anyway, I went to bed on January 1st and woke up the day after still feeling good. I watched a TV program and took practically none of it in; I was still thinking about my experience and had difficulty concentrating. I felt tired that day (yesterday). Later on my unrequited lover agreed to see me, which was awesome, we chilled and had the kind of nice relaxed time that I had wanted. I really have not experienced a crash; tiredness maybe, but no crash. I have read about people giving specific instructions on the order in which to take the substances to avoid crashing on a candyflip, but if the set and setting is good in my experience it really does not seem to matter what order one takes the MDMA and LSD in.

I feel like the therapeutic reflection I experienced has continued ever since. I now feel enormous gratitude for what I have and my abilities, which I will endeavour to make the most of. I feel so lucky that I have enormous appreciation for music, that I know such nice people. Also, the whispering disembodied voice which I worried I’d have to deal with forever, has completely disappeared.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 109782
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Jul 23, 2020	Views: 1,541
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MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3), Large Group (10+) (19)