I Am a Mask. We Are One. Life Is a Trip
Citation: Lucas. "I Am a Mask. We Are One. Life Is a Trip: An Experience with LSD & MDMA (exp109923)". Erowid.org. Apr 18, 2017. erowid.org/exp/109923
It began at work, a fair ways into a shift I decided to microdose LSD and MDMA with a fellow employee who likes his drugs, a rather flawed but at least initially quite enjoyable decision. I worked overnights at McDonalds, so we worked through until sunrise, experiencing general sensations of happiness and energy whilst focusing heavily on my work, completing it fast and rather well. I noted that everything seemed brighter, colors contrasting with each other in a way light I found rather pleasant, not dissimilar from my first time smoking cannabis, but with a lot more gray, white and shitty tiles instead of rolling hills speckled by evergreens in mid-winter California. It made the experience overall more bearable and the effects were already quite strong.
Finishing up with work, I made the decision to head back to my coworker's place and drop some tabs, an additional two 175ug tabs on top of the microdosing effort, figuring it was a good a time as any as I had a few days off of work. Generally being a rather sleep-deprived individual, I did not consider the potential effects of having worked through the night could have on my trip. Being a McDonald's employee however, I threw caution to the wind and began to watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas alongside my friend, the more experienced drug user.
The come-up was rather giddy for me, and I was very much absorbed in the movie so I did not notice many of the effects as they came on, instead taking the unusual approach, for me at least considering my depressive personality, of laughing and talking about the movie, particularly its set design and how everything seemed to 'have meaning' scene by scene, based on the belief that the director must be a genius because everything seemed to be placed perfectly in such a way as to further add context, and story to the movie; contrasting with many films that seem to have eye candy only for the sake of having eye candy. From the beginning, my hanging out with another individual was rather uncommon, whilst I have no confirmation it is rather obvious from my point of view that I am an individual placed somewhere on the autism spectrum, high-functioning autism, Asperger's if you will.
After a certain period of time passed, we were about two hours into the movie and I would also assume, the trip. I began to realize that I had a rather ridiculous overabundance in energy, and that the film was getting progressively more and more boring. Also, I felt heavier whilst laying down, as if I were going to sink into the bed and earth. This was not overly comfortable for me, so I had a desire to go outside on my friend's beautiful property, look at trees, breathe in fresh air, look at the sky, and pat some cats. This is around about the time that my friend began to notice some fairly erratic behavior on my end, I myself was rather past the point of caring about masculinity, and my definition of 'cool' or 'normal' behavior finding itself largely thrown to the wind.
I began to contemplate my place in the universe, society, etcetera as I breathed in that fresh air, the only fresher air I have ever experienced being on my first trip during a swim at a beach, meaning I was mostly enjoying the action of taking deep breaths. My friend's cat came up to me, I squatted down and patted it for a while whilst talking to my friend, I ended up jokingly grasping its neck and pretending I was choking it; this kind of creeped my friend out but it was only a second or two before I released the cat and went back to petting. After this, I kind of took a seat somewhere miscellaneous, I just remember seeing a hallway, and I spoke to my friend for a time.
Whilst I don't remember the specifics of the conversation, in my mind it essentially revolved around humanity functioning under the influence of the collective psyche proposed by Carl Jung, each and every individual a being created purely for the sake of experiencing and understanding reality, existence through billions of different forms, points of views and even entirely different realities. Why would this be the case? Because we are a process through which the universe expends energy in its approach towards maximum entropy, or infinite possibility; both the end-point and the start-point of our universe and all universes. A division in this entropy created the poles of existence, which I relate to the concepts of interdependent opposites in my interpretation of Yin-Yang, good and evil. It became apparent to me that by bringing these opposites together, a spark is created that pushes them apart, expanding the space in which they exist before they once more attempt to come together and then blow apart once more, over and over again until the energy from the initial separation is dispersed over a significant distance so that existence itself is no longer capable of holding itself together, once more finding that maximum entropy and point of infinite possibility known only as the time before the Big Bang.
Being a tenth grade dropout, I found it all rather interesting, albeit somewhat flawed due to my belief in my own lack of intelligence; but I decided that my conception wasn't entirely wrong, and from the beginning I came to the realization that what I was trying to focus on was the concept of good and evil, and why denying either one within oneself was inconsistent with the rest of universe, whilst not necessarily any less effective in dispersing energy throughout space even if it is significantly more boring.
All in all, one could say it was in this short time in this hallway, sitting on a table across from my friend that I truly came to understand why good and bad are entirely circumstantial, subjective as well as meaningless in the traditional idea of it, from my point of view. My reasoning for this was, rather simply, Christianity and Islam, racism and social inequality as well as the persecution of individuals based on their conflicting beliefs. The use that the label 'evil' and 'unholy' has to Kings and governments that successfully labeled themselves as 'good', so that they could also decide exactly what 'evil' was, and why that their being 'evil' was substantial reason to disregard the most simple kindnesses so that people of different color and/or beliefs could be enslaved, raped and killed freely as well as without repercussion.
All through this my thoughts turned to the thought that the environment and the individual are not separate entities, but are rather inherently connected down to the most fundamental level. I realized that all evil exists within me, as well as all good. I realized that 'acting' good was of no use, and becoming a soldier as I had long wanted to was not going to make me a good, or kind, or truly strong in the ways that matter to me.
Following this portion of the trip, we eventually wandered away from this hallway and made our way over to the garage where a bong awaited, the visuals were getting rather intense at this point, with visual drifting occurring on the grass as well as trees, and a whole shitload of goats on the property absolutely fascinated me. Forgetting the goats for a moment, we smoked some weed. And then I really started rolling. I began thinking about characters as concepts and how we portray them in our daily lives, as well as how entirely inaccurate they are, and how funny it was to me that after all the time that I had spent trying to 'act natural', I had successfully managed to kill most every chance of my achieving such a state due to my very attempt at doing it, ‘being natural’ itself a process of not trying. So effectively, I decided to let things come as they come and I detached myself entirely from reality, I assigned myself a character and another to my friend. Then I started visualizing character traits and an overall plot-line in relation to what was going on. I ended up as a girl based on my grandmother, whereas my friend was a problematic boyfriend whom she was tired of because he wouldn't just 'come with me'.
At this point I reached a state of mind that I had always wanted to experience, that is to say, the thought patterns of an individual that does not base their feelings of affection on the physical body, but rather on the ‘feeling’ one got from another person's ‘soul’ and being.
For the first time in years I cried and cried, whilst resolutely screaming at my friend who was, mildly put, rather fucking confused at the time, I believe it was overall related to his suicidal tendencies in relation to drug abuse, his most recent drug of choice being cocaine. I on the other hand felt rather comfortable with just ‘letting it happen’, crying a river as I told him that it was time for him to stop holding himself back, and that he could either come with me, or I was leaving him. Long story short, after some confused yelling on his part, I left him behind and proceeded to cry and cry and cry, it felt fantastic. I feel as if my ability to portray a different character allowed me to express emotions I had repressed for years in relation to my depression, some familial abuse and a sense of powerlessness related to my being molested at the age of ten by an older boy. Hopefully this context makes my following actions more sensible.
Skipping along down the road, shouting and wailing as I went along in a state of rapidly changing emotional extremes, I continually yelled at everything and anything to 'get the fuck up', to 'stop sitting around', to 'stop waiting'. I questioned whether or not the fear of pain, of death, of violence and hate was reason enough to stay still in my bedroom all the time, if it was reason for the rest of the world to remain stagnant, even if the path forward ended in death. The answer I arrived at was essentially 'No.', progress must be made, knowledge must be gained, lessons must be learned and new experience, must be experienced in order for humans to be human in the ways that are meaningful to me, thus, I equipped myself with a rather fearless disposition and came under the belief that I was dreaming. I believe what occurred here was essentially a result of repression that I rather forcibly released, repressed things including thoughts of suicide that I generally discarded as stupid, hatred of myself and my own ability to function as I see 'normal' people doing, my inability to complete school, my stupidity in allowing myself to be molested by an older boy due to my lack of understanding as well as a general disgust for stagnancy in myself, other individuals and society at large. In essence I discarded my general preconceptions and replaced them with ones that I essentially created in a fashion not dissimilar from how an author writing a character would when confronted by a situation his character can not process.
Next thing I knew, I saw my house off to my left. It was indeed, not my house, but it certainly looked like an old property of mine and I wandered on over, pausing a moment by a car on the street so that I could use my hands and feet to destroy its exterior, jumping on its roof and breaking glass. Judging by my lack of injury here I was rather surprised to see how well my former martial arts training came to the surface in my inebriated state. Suffice to say, I took out a lot of anger on the vehicle, resulting in over two-thousand dollars of damages.
Finishing up with the car I wandered over to the house which to me, very simply just looked like one of my old houses, and being very much in dreamland at the time, I did not pause to consider that it might not be. Apparently I chased individuals inside the house, screaming that I was going to harm them, etc, but I do not recall that particular part personally. I ended up at the door, apparently forgetting about the people that I had been chasing. Getting back to trying to access 'my home' I realized that I had no keys because I was entirely naked, having discarded my clothing at some point as I walked along the road. Being in a rather careless mood, I put my fist through the window at the front door and opened it up myself, apparently once more avoiding injury miraculously. I stock it up to my inability to care about my physical body at the time, which allowed me to use the full force of my body without hesitation in a situation that could cause an individual to subconsciously pull a punch, normally.
Now inside, I found myself having a rather confused conversation with one of the residents in which I insisted that their home was mine, due to the fact that, as far as I could tell at the time, it did just seem to be my old home, meaning my brain was obviously struggling to associate meaning to what I was seeing I think. As more people came out to greet me with anger, rage, fear, I began to question my situation. One man came up and pushed me, it didn't do much, and then I pushed back, they stopped trying to come at me after that. The next point was a rather interesting test of my character, I find, as whilst coming to the understanding that the situation was not as it seemed, I gradually surrendered before these people I still envisaged to be 'in my house', I asked them if they were going to kill me, fuck me, rob me, etc. They said no, so I asked why they were tying me up (obviously to restrain me for the arrival of the police they had called), they just said I was crazy, and obviously that is a fair statement.
Between my subjugation and the subsequent arrival of the police, I asked them to fuck me, kill me and beat me up repetitively, the rope having gotten me thinking that it was some kind of weird ass BDSM dungeon dream. When they refused I eventually asked 'then what the fuck are we doing here.' And went limp, so that the dream would hurry up and end. Killing myself is a rather common way that I escape dreams, generally through jumping off buildings but I was willing to roll with this, not being a particularly chaste individual despite my virginity apparently.
Following this, the police arrived, found my underwear, got me dressed and carried me off to the hospital in the stretcher. At this point, I more or less remember blacking out, and coming to in a hospital bed with my mother sitting beside my bed.
Overall, it was simultaneously both the most worthwhile and one of the most horrible experience of my entire life, and to me this trip represents both the beauty and danger involved with the use, and abuse of LSD. Following this trip, I could say that overall my life has changed for the better largely due to the lessons taught to me throughout it, based on my belief that I used my experience with LSD as a vehicle for repressed feelings. The obvious bad here, is what actually occurred due to an uncontrolled environment, and being an individual who previously thought he was nothing but a pussy for even contemplating that he might have any form of 'trauma' in comparison to that experienced by others in the world. Through empathizing with another individual, who had gone through worse experiences than myself in relation to rape and abuse, I found the ability to look at myself in the same way, to care for myself, and subsequently try to break out of my cycles by doing something really quite insanely irregular.
I have continued to use LSD in private as a means of self-exploration, and as a tool for learning to view the world as a child does, again. This is relevant because I believe most people would not do the same subsequent to having gone through these things, which I would personally consider to be fairly intense experiences and would be called a 'bad trip' regardless of my potentially deranged enjoyment of the fiasco. Essentially the moral of the story is, trip with people you know well if you care about your safety, and remember to breathe.
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