Citation: itstingsandithurts. "A Dark Void I Call Home: An Experience with Memantine (exp109929)". Erowid.org. Mar 9, 2019. erowid.org/exp/109929
I had only been home for a few hours after my week long New Year's trip, I had been staying with friends, drinking and celebrating the beginning of 2017, before I knew I wanted to make my first voyage into the Memanverse that night.
I had begun unpacking my bags and cleaning up the house in preparation for the inevitably prolonged and arduous journey that high doses of Memantine always present, before carefully weighing and capping my dose: 150mg of fluffy, crystal white, powdered Memantine HCl. I took my dose orally about 7:00pm.
Knowing full well the duration these trips go for, and how long the onset for the drugs to set in take, I began to occupy myself for the first few hours by cooking myself a light meal before tripping, like I always do. I've found eating before taking the dose can slow down the onset even further than what it already is, and with ample time between taking the dose and it finally kicking in, eating in this window is ideal.
After I've eaten and sat down to begun browsing reddit, the fact I've taken the Memantine has almost completely been forgotten by me, I begin to feel a bit spacey and calm. I light up a cigarette, like after most meals, and notice the slow whisps of smoke dancing around my hand, this is when I remembered about the Memantine, about 2 hours after taking the dose.
To really set myself up for a relaxing come-up I put on Pink Floyd's Wish you were here album, queuing up a few hours worth of psych rock, alt-electro and anything else I could find that helped guide my self-reflecting, calm mindset I was entering.
By about 10:00pm (+3hours after dosing) I had begun to peak, my depth perception had lost all focus, not quite enough to force double vision, but enough that objects close to me like my laptop, or hands, felt like they were fluctuating between being hundreds of meters away, making me feel like a giant, or incredibly close to me, feeling like I was somehow a tiny person laying on my bed.
The walls had started warping and the less I focused on my surroundings and more on my laptop/hands, my perception of reality just outside those objects had all but vanished. It was like sitting in a void with only my very immediate surroundings present.
It was like sitting in a void with only my very immediate surroundings present.
At this point I find darkness to let visuals take hold much more, almost as if letting my minds imagination of what could be there much more real than my distorted perception of what actually is there. I turn off the lights and only let the faint glow of the half-moon from the window illuminate my room. Staring into the darkness, watching as my room would transform into vast cathedrals, or other-worldly dimensions, I lose track of time.
Although Memantine causes a diminished response to nicotine, I still find the habit of smoking incredible when on my journey, it can pull apart my sense of balance and in this particular instance, the world began spinning around me and I had no choice but to just sit there and watch it tear apart into a dark, structureless space. Possibly one of the most beautiful experiences I've had on Memantine yet.
I lay in that void for what feels like maybe 20-30 minutes before it began crashing down around me, and I briefly returned to reality. Memantine tends to come in waves, so these 5-10 minute windows of mild sobriety are opportunities for me to go to the bath room and get water to stay hydrated.
Given the duration of Memantine each trip can give me a lot of particularly interesting experiences, and it would be impossible to explain, or let alone remember every single one of them, but there's still two particular events during this trip I want to try and explain.
After long periods of laying in the dark my eyes become very adjusted to seeing very low amounts of light, and at one point after sitting up to stretch I noticed a tiny orange light in the corner of my room, I just sat there staring at it trying to work out what it possibly could have been for longer than I care to admit. It began to slide away into the distance, and the more I focused on it, the further it seemed to get. Slowly the room around it turned into a tunnel, funneling all my vision down onto this faint orange dot. The walls of this well I was looking down had become red tendrils, crawling over each other to get out. Unfazed, and calm about being stuck in this hole with this bizarre situation I started to try and climb towards the dot, to only very abruptly find myself face first off the bed onto the floor. Reality snapped back in around me and the orange dot was just the light on the charger for my laptop. (duh)
The other notable occurrence, a particularly strange and very life-like visual, was during the very last legs of the trip. I tend to fall asleep about 10 hours into a trip if I start around the same time (7:00pm), and a hypnogogic state of consciousness can be achieved. Memantine tends to be just stimulating enough to keep me awake during most of the peak, and wears off just enough that the visuals can still be present as I'm falling asleep. I was staring at my wall as my mind had started wandering, watching it swirl and warp different shapes and patterns, but slowly a young girls face pressed out of the wall. It appeared like she was carved out of clay, beautiful and calm, long whispy hair, but trapped in the wall. I could see into her eyes, glassy and clear, she was emotionless and never blinking. Her eyes followed me as I leaned over the edge of my bed, I felt like I knew her, but looking back now I know I had never seen her in my life before. We stared into each others eyes for several minutes before she slowly sunk back into the wall where she emerged, leaving a dark mist as I finally fell asleep.
Waking up around 10am (~+15hours after dosing) I still felt heavily dissociated, my body still numbed and distant. I get up to go pee, stumbling with no sense of balance and eventually go back to sleep for several hours.
Today is +48 hours since dosing and I'm still feeling mildly dissociated, tired and uncoordinated, but like usual it's slowly improving. This is somewhere in the vicinity of my 20th high dose Memantine trip, so it's nothing out of the ordinary, but I don't think I'm used to it yet. Being disconnected from reality for a solid 12 hours is not something one grows accustomed to easily.
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