Citation: Student of Life. "The Lucid Dissociation - Warning Inside: An Experience with Ephenidine & MDA (exp110018)". Erowid.org. Mar 28, 2017. erowid.org/exp/110018
Here's a trip report of mixing ephenidine with a serotonin-norepiphrene-dopamine releasing and reuptake inhibiting agent. What I experienced I felt to be dangerous, I imagine this could have been permanently harmful for my mental health if I weren't aware of the neurological implications of psychoactive drugs. This reports something that everyone mixing said substances should be aware of.
Background: 29 yo male, I'm a moderately experienced psychonaut with a lot of different substances and combinations under my belt. I'm in great health. I'm writing this on Thursday, three days after the trip (which was Monday). I lost track of time countless times during the experience so I won't bother tagging events with timestamps. It was all pretty confusing, to say the least, so bear with me with my trip report. I took a 100 mg 5-HTP supplement at about noon that day, and a strong multivitamin and other minerals as well in the morning.
It all began at 8 pm. I had the bottom of a bag of ephinidine waiting for me at home which I presumed to have 200 mg inside; it turned out to be 250 mg on the scale, and I didn't want to keep the rest so I ended up using all of it. I poured 100 mg of MDA on the top, and licked it all straight off from the weighing cup. It was time to go.
I prepared for the trip by peeling some fruit so my brain would have some carbohydrates for fuel, and filled the bowl of my portable vaporizer. I also set up a mattress right next to my sound system, and kind of built an 'exploration vessel' around it with my laptop, water, food and cannabis around it. I kind of got a childish sensation by doing that, but hey, it ended up working pretty well. I also spent most of my time here.
The first hour or so passed without much to report. I spent time exploring music and preparing for what to come. The thing about dissociatives, though, as I was soon to learn, that you can never expect what they bring with them.
At about 9 pm is the last time I checked the clock for a long while. Things were starting to get weird. Very weird, and very interesting. I began to feel some unexplainable physical sensations, and I started doing some yoga to explore them better. I don't think I've ever felt physically that good in a long while, if ever. It wasn't all-encompassing euphoria since my headspace was starting to get messed up and couldn't be in sync with my body. The whole thing started to bring very interesting ideas into my head about eroticism and the whole connection between the body and the mind. It is now apparent that the well-being of both are extremely vital.
Moving about and activating every part of my body definitely accelerated the comeup. My mind was filled with realizations of what is erotic, and the duality between eroticism and technology; what is erotic in the extreme is essentially exploring that what is unknown. I believe that is why artists are seen as alluring as their minds are in contact with interpreting that which is abstract. Scientists have the potential for this as well, but for some reason they're often not seen as so romantic (probably because they strive to explain the abstract instead of dressing it into something that is up for the examiner to interpret, killing the suspense).
I picked out technology to be the opposite twin of eroticism because technology can exist only because we have deep understanding of the principles of how a technological achievement came to be; in essence it is the antithesis of 'what is unknown', and so there is nothing erotic in technology in itself. Figuring out new applications for technological systems is another thing, but still falls under the category of science instead of art or the pure erotic, although I'd like to claim that there's still similarities and possibilities for exploration.
About now my headspace started to go into overdrive. I couldn't and didn't want to follow the flow of time
my headspace started to go into overdrive. I couldn't and didn't want to follow the flow of time
, but I want to say that in the matter of minutes I went through every kind of fantasy my mind was able to produce. That is an incredible thing to say and to imagine right now after the trip, but it totally blew my mind, and the thought of it continues to do so to this day. I cannot actually put it any better into words, but it dealt with everything from erotic fantasies to what I want and am able to achieve in life and what humanity (and, actually, all plants or animals! The whole biological diversity out there, that is) is (are) capable of. It was a doozy, to say the least, and I couldn't imagine this to be possible if I weren't an experienced psychonaut; I'd make the assumption that those with lesser experience would think they would become confused and insane (indeed, I got this feeling as well later on in the trip), and it could have a lasting negative mental effect on those not properly prepared.
Right about now I vaporized my first bowl of cannabis. This brought a more grounded feeling into the trip... at first. I felt like the actual spirit of cannabis was talking to me, saying that I should kick back and chill out from all of what was happening. It was literally like having someone in my head telling me that, like another consciousness or something. Very weird, and I think this has something to do with cannabis causing psychosis for some people. My first open eye visuals arrived with the vaporization, and everything started to look more colorful and a kind of a brown/yellowish tone could be seen on everything. I spent some time here to eat and rehydrate... And then everything began again. And it got even wilder than before.
I kept doing yoga here. Now, doing stretches and putting myself into extreme positions made me feel like I was stretching time and my thoughts, and I almost unconsciously moved about. At one point I completely lost the feeling of myself, even though I was in an upright position, and realized that I was very, very close to achieving a dissociative hole, or even fell into one (I've never holed before). I had no idea how long I was in that particular pose or how I got into it, all I knew I was staring at some really elaborate geometry behind my eyes and was lost in another dimension for a while; it did not feel like an eternity, just a minute or two. I did think this was remarkable though, and decided to relax and see if it was possible to hole again.
As I laid down and got into relaxing my thoughts went deeper into contemplating the existence of the whole universe. I began to think of huge, complex alternate universes and how they came to be and they always ended up failing or ceasing to exist due to some very very specific, even absurd thing which I was very closely and intimately aware of (the universes were the creations of my mind after all so I naturally knew absolutely everything about them). The complexity of my thoughts in that moment was incomprehensible.
But that is not all... This is actually very hard to explain. Due to the nature of our own universe and our understanding of science we cannot know everything, at least not yet. I began to firmly believe that those incredibly minuscule universes in my mind were tiny, absolutely tiny particles or basic elements of quantum physics that are essentially called the basic, elementary form of energy. Like a single photon of light or an electron in an electric current surging through a brain or a circuit! For the quantum physical unit of energy to exist, the alternate universe has to exist as well, and when the energy is transferred into another form the universe ceases to exist, and there's another universe that gains something or other from this exchange. The receiving universe in this context of quantum physics is called a particle, or a fermion, which blocks the transfer of photons and could be considered a 'receiver of energy'. These other universes are just as complex as ours, they just exist on a completely different scale. This implies that our universe could also merely be an unit of energy just on its way to cause an effect in some other universe... What a mindblowing idea.
I kept munching on fruit. It was very apparent for me now that in the case of fruit the energy exchange happens as so that photons in light serve as energy vessels for plants to accomplish their biological growth. In that exchange one universe is extinguished so another, a plant cell and its more basic quantum elements, can be born. It's still very interesting to imagine what an element of quantum physics might be made of. And in my hypothesis each of the particles of the fruit, and everything else, are made of individual universes. This is either insane or brilliant, and I have no idea which it is.
Time dilation is hyper extreme right now, and I can very easily pick single instruments out of music. Like with my earlier ephenidine experience with LSD
I could place myself into the same room as the artists playing the instruments, like I was there. It kind of made music not enjoyable and rather stressing to listen to, but it was still quite interesting. Songs blended into each other and I could definitely sense parts of songs looping over and over while thinking of something, as if my mind was busy processing something other than sounds and then coming back later to figure out what was outside my head.
I filled up another bowl of my vaporizer and started sucking on that. Again, I felt a sense of groundedness, and in a way of Freudian psychology I got a feeling of trinity of mind; there's the unconscious that is trying to comprehend our existence and dress abstract feelings into thoughts for our higher consciousness, and our ego is there in between reality and higher consciousness to interpret the concrete thoughts so we can act in our daily lives. Up until now I've drifted in the unconscious, thanks to the dissociative, and the 'spirit of cannabis' kind of blocked away the unconscious a bit and let my ego talk with my higher consciousness, with the cannabis saying 'welcome back, time to relax for a bit'. My open eye visuals were pretty wild, a lot of complex angular patterns everywhere if I was to relax and look into them; moving around was no problem yet doing so pushed away the visuals. My closed eye visuals were kind of like constant pulsing of electrical circuits; I imagine I was seeing the electrical flow in my neurons!
Well, now it was time for trouble. Once I went back into relaxing and meditation and gave going into the hole another chance it was time for thoughts about dark matter and dark energy to enter my thoughts since I kind of already figured out what's going on regarding on 'light matter'. There can't be a yang without a yin, after all.
And that was, and is, beyond comprehension for an individual such as myself. My brain couldn't handle it, at all. A feeling of fear immediately started flooding my mind. It took all I had to resist going into full blown panic. Things stopped making sense, I started believing things that weren't true, I was going insane. The ceiling of my apartment started going black and dissolving into geometrical patterns. Reality started to dissolve and my senses were jumbled in a total mess of synesthesia. Sounds felt like something alien touching my skin, what I saw through my eyes turned into unbearable sine waves in my ears. If I closed my eyes I could actually SEE my neurons go haywire and making destructive associations, killing whatever shreds of intelligence I still had, erasing my memories and making my personality a distant ghost of what it was.
Luckily I had the sense to recognize that now was time to call it quits. I had extreme trouble rising up from my mattress to get to my diazepam. I first took only one (5 mg) to see if that would kick the experience back to a point that everything would still be enjoyable. It did make everything more sensible, but I became very lethargic and it killed the trip by a lot. The visuals were still there, and they were now a lot more like regular research chemical-like dissociative visuals (MXE, MXP, and of course ephenidine, which I love, by the way): the visuals were like seeing sand being blown on surfaces or waves of mud or water flowing over everything or leaves of grass waving in the wind. Quite spectacular in fact. I couldn't enjoy it fully, though, as the benzodiazepine did dull it out so much that the whole thing was pretty lackluster. I took two diazepams more and headed to bed. I couldn't get sleep though so after a couple of hours I took one more, so my total was 20 mg.
Aftermath: the following couple days I thought I indeed did irrepeable damage to my head. I kept waking up during the night and I've had some extremely vivid dreams. When I've woken up during the night I've actually had similar open eye visuals as I did when I was going up to the peak of the trip! I've been fine during the day though so I'm not too worried, and now believe that everything's going to pass. I am 100% certain that if I didn't kill the trip early I would have ended up worse, maybe having HPPD, hallucinogen persisting perception disorder, perhaps for a very long time even.
So, please stay safe, and thanks for reading!
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