DOSE:

14 g

oral

Syrian Rue

(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

170 kg

Wow! I never dreamed the Peganum Harmala or Syrian Rue would be so powerful and effective.

I had decided that I would measure one tablespoon, like the old style huge tablespoon – not the kind of thing you would eat a cereal with - and suspected that to be about 3 grams. I had a saucepan with the juice of 1 lemon waiting and stuck the spoon in the bag and took out a heaped spoon, tapping it a couple of times so as not to be obtuse but not levelling it much. This I then dumped into the saucepan with the lemon juice. It was then that I look at the bag after thinking that looks rather a lot and discovered that instead of being 10 grams (okay, it seems obvious now) it was actually 100 grams and I estimate what I put in the saucepan to be about a 5th of that. So roughly 20 grams. I thought about scooping some out but couldn't be sure the lemon juice hadn't soaked in so I left it. Besides, I felt confident about the measurement in that I trust what I am drawn to and by the quality in which I am drawn. It seemed or felt right.

After adding some water and putting it on the stove to boil I found some incense to burn. I put some Frankincense on a spoon (the only implement I had that was suitable) and heated that with a lighter while I thought about why I was here and what I was here to do. What prompted me to this experience is that I had a dream and in a pleasant environment an older fellow informed me that he had used Harmala to successfully give up smoking cigarettes. Well I like smoking cigarettes so I wasn't entirely sure what he was telling me for.

I say I like smoking cigarettes. In truth I would like to grow my own tobacco and to develop a healthy relationship with the plant so as discover the variety of uses it can potentially render, as opposed to being involved in any way with the commercial industry, or abuse of the plant. And since it was such a clear suggestion in the dream I thought I would find out at the appropriate time. After doing my own research, reading up about other peoples accounts and absorbing as much information as I could about the substance and using that to do what felt right for me.

I let the brew simmer for half an hour.

As it was boiling I though the smell was quite strong and earthy. Not unpleasant, but not pleasant either. I poured myself a cup, about 3 quarters of a mug full leaving some of the brew, about a third, in the pot. If I decided I needed more it was there, but just because I felt it was right to use a whole tablespoon doesn't mean I have to then force down more than I now feel is appropriate. Already I am realising how important it is for me to decide honestly and from the heart.

The smell in the cup was quite nice. Old. Ancient and familiar – but from another life. You know how you read reports and people say it tastes awful, are you like me and think that it can't be that bad? This was absolutely filthy. I am grimacing now just thinking about it. The first sip was awful. The second worse! A big mouthful was just horrendous.

At this point I get a text message from a friend. “Stay strong in your compunctions and goings-on and personal gravity! You do right by you brother, much luv, will send you some okay go one-shot wonderness and let you know about the weekend innit :) xx”

I don't know if there are better words to read in this moment.

Still, I have to look up what compunction means. a feeling of guilt or moral scruple that prevents or follows the doing of something bad.

With the Latin origins “to prick”.

All aboard!

Determinedly I drain the mug and when I ask myself if I'll drink more the answer is a clear and resounding NO! I decide to burn some Myrrh resin and as I do so I inhale some of the fumes and afterwards I lay down.

I chat briefly with a friend online. A kind of mentor and as I feel the effects begin, really quickly too – 20 minutes after finishing the drink – I feel that I am maybe asking, internally, for support. Not help, but support.

Although I know that at the core I am the one who needs to support myself, first and foremost. That within that I will receive all the support I need.

I do a little fart and a wet bubble comes out. I leap up and grab the toilet paper and wipe my bum, noticing how messy I am now. Becoming quite disoriented. I think maybe I should have brought more toilet paper.

I lay back down and turn the lights off and relax.

My entire body is buzzing. I feel a definite elevation throughout my being. A kind of high, a bit like MDMA as it comes on, but different. Buzzier. I can hear a buzz sound too. Like a robotic bee that is just outside. I get over being disconcerted about hearing something that is otherwise not usually there. My intention has been to lay here on my bed and relax, meditate – by which I mean just pay attention to what is different, unusual. Feel what is happening to my body and my mind – I notice my heart beat is pronounced. My skin is tingling and my thoughts are altering. It is not unpleasant, but definitely peculiar.

I should mention at this point that I am two and a half days into a fast, only water and occasionally herbal tea. I did this for a detox anyway and given the MAOI factor and dietary requirements therein it seemed the safest time to drink the Rue tea, and I imagined it could probably enhance the process also. Work in concert together.

It is windy outside and I am aware of the buzzing sound and that it changes pitch with the wind. The more intense the wind the higher it goes. I decide to focus on the buzzing sound, tune into it. Match it.

I then feel my body kind of undulating. I like this. Gravity feels different and I feel quite floaty. I feel as if I am in an ocean, not wet but I can feel the rhythms of the waves. I combine this with my imagination and the wave builds and breaks and I ride it. This is not intensely visual, but I feel it in a kind of sedated way.

Now I start having visions. I see people. Glimpses. Scenes change, very dream like. I am wafting through a doof or techno party in nature. Trees, people dancing, hula hoops. I can hear music, electronic, techno, hard drum and bass. I hear the elements of the track separate in space and although it is perfect there seems to be some distance between the elements. I can't quite match the drum break to the bassline or the other mid range sounds. I try to, but it does not budge. It is barely noticeable and just, I expect, to draw my attention to the idea. I relax on the subject and play something different in my mind. Something simpler. Less intense. More honest for me.

This is all inside. There is no music playing from any stereo, just to be clear.

I feel a small rising of nausea. It quickly escalates and again I leap up, turn the light on and reach for the bucket. On my knees I vomit. And then I puke again. And again, increasingly more disgusting with every wretch. There is no food inside me so all that comes out is bile, but I really feel that I am releasing stuff, imbalanced gut bacteria, unwanted and processed emotional attachments. More comes out and I am grateful for the experience. For it being released but for all it has taught me to bring me to this point where I can decide to let it go. That I no longer identify with that, whatever it is.

At this point it has not been specific.

It has not yet been one hour since I finished the tea.

I sit back and relax and my mind fills with thoughts, memories and characters from my life. I see a vision of me as a child, young, about 3 years old. I am with my Dad and I go to cross a road. I run across and get cleaned up by a speeding red sports car. Completely mangled. I watch this like a floating camera man. From a particular angle. I feel my Dad going “No! No!” completely distraught. I think “Oh no, I don't like that!” and so I change it. I reverse the car and watch my child self fling it off into the distance, undo my mangled child body and then replay the scene over and over until I am running, I stop and watch the road and after the red car zooms past I cross safely. Now I am in the vision and I go and hug my child self and pick him up smiling and tell him that I love him. That the best thing he can ever do for himself is love himself because he is a miracle and he can do anything he wants. To listen to his heart because it is his best friend and to be himself because in doing so you become the greatest gift you can be to everyone and everything else. He is smiling and laughing and we play and then I see him dragging my Dad off with him, laughing and invincible.

I need to puke again. More comes out and this time I can feel what I am releasing. My thoughts match the timing and when I consciously align with thoughts that empower me and actively redefine myself how I prefer, whatever is inside me that isn't compatible is forced out. Over and over again.

I tell you what – stick a lemon peel in the bucket you vomit into. It does wonders for the smell!

I lay back down and relax. Memories play over in my mind. One where I am smoking a cigarette and I notice I am smoking it and remember that I decided I didn't want to smoke this cigarette. I stop. Other things happen, then I am back in the same scene smoking the cigarette again only this time I notice more quickly and instead create a whole new situation in which the people I was with disappear and I align with the core of myself and feel I change the situation on a blueprint level. I now exist in a new reality in which that situation doesn't. At least I, in relation to it, am changed. I address my core and pose the question “do we forbid tobacco in our life?” and I consult myself and answer “No!” and instead imagine cultivating the plant myself and also cultivating a healthy relationship with it. One that no longer abuses it but uses it with conscious awareness and ultimate respect, as a valuable friend and ally with beneficial uses, done appropriately.

This feels right.

I see scenes in which people on stages are ranting what appears to be quite intelligent and passionate dialogues about human behaviour. What people should be doing. I realise this is me. My rant combines with others and becomes this huge anxious movement. I ask myself if I really give a shit about that? Is that the most important thing I can invest my time and energy with?

No, on both accounts. And paff! It is gone, just like that.

I see myself encountering a loving relationship and also all the lustful aspects of myself which I allow to inhibit my realisation of a real and significant loving relationship. I admit to myself that there is nothing I can do about what I am attracted to, sexually. I cannot help what I think to be beautiful and what I appreciate in the human physical form. I cannot deny myself my honest opinion, however I can choose not to indulge in it. And I choose this. I can realise that it can be a distraction from something that I ultimately identify as more important and more worthy of my attention and I choose to let it go, and with it leaves so much confusion about social dynamics. I feel free to be myself around anyone and in any situation.

I experience a series of situations which one by one appeal to my heart and allow me to redefine myself by listening to my heart and at one point this is animated by being given a decision involving someone else. A lover and mate. We need to make a decision. I want it this way, she hasn't made her mind up. I feel confident that I can push my will onto her decision but there is something unsatisfying about this. Yeah, I get my way – but there is a really big but! I ask for help. I think to listen to my heart. I realise I don't know how to listen to my heart. I realise I am looking outside of myself to listen to my heart and ever direction is wrong. I calm down and remember to go inwards. Quickly a woman appears, dressed for business! She points to all these people that were standing around me one by one, “You, you, you, you, you, you, you! Leave!” and they disappear. Then I am alone with her and she is just there and I trust her. Then I am back with my lover and mate and with the decision still to be made. I simply ask her, with a smile and not giving the slightest shit about the result or the decision “what do you think?” and we smile at each other knowingly. Aligned.

One more thing I will mention as there was much, much more, I was replaying a recent memory which connected through to other memories and scenarios. I reached a certain point but wasn't really paying attention and it got to a point where my time was up, the decision wasn't being made so my vision back tracked all the way back through other memories back to the core, which was depicted by the family on my fathers side. I realised I would have to do this one over again and properly. But not yet as the memory faded quickly and I was barely able to find the thread. This got my attention as so much was shifted, except this. Pretty much everything else I encountered was reinterpreted. I suppose this was a clue of what is next for me and how all this works. How to navigate.

My inner dialogue, although there were a few wavering moments where I really needed to call upon my core strength, was solid. Clear. Articulate. Well defined and resolute. Something physical I noticed was that if I spoke or hummed my voice had a kind of vibrato. A tremor. I monitored this throughout the night but near the end I just stopped. I was shifting all I could and didn't need to fuss about whether I was 'there' yet as I supposed the waver or tremolo was alluding to something out of alignment. I would go as I became ready and worrying about it would do me no good. I got what I needed and I did my best. My voice today, the day after, is wobble free. Clear. It is easy to form words and there is a calm confidence and the words spoken come easily and are definite.

I saw the trails or tracers but most of the night was spent laying down with my eyes closed or throwing up. I didn't keep checking the time but I reckon I fell asleep after about 4-5 hours, the peak being from the 1st hour in to the 3rd hour. Then it continued but diminished in intensity.

One more inner vision that is worth mentioning is that I saw a horizon and supposed a sunrise was imminent. Then I thought about how big the sun might be and then as it broke it was huge. Immense. It rose quickly up into the sky and as it reached the peak I imagined solar flares reaching down and into my body, extracting impurities and drawing them back into itself for transmutation.

What I noticed was that all the visions were malleable, or influenced by my own thoughts and desires. The imagery was suggested but I decided what to do with it.

I now have a deep respect for Syrian Rue. It has been as powerful an experience as I have had, albeit with it's own flavour. The visions are not as intense or bright or vivid like DMT or Mushrooms or Acid, but definite and in some ways more coherent (for me). Open eyed there was pretty much only the jittery, fragmented, disorienting scenery of the room. Plus the trails or tracers others have mentioned using this substance alone, which I spent little time with. Cool enough, but I wasn't really interested. The inner visions were really dream like and subtle, but really really effective. Not too dissimilar from from San Pedro, but very much it's own thing.

My body today feels clean. I feel strong inside. I know that to retain this I must become all that I experienced in the trip. Or now that I have become this I must retain it by practising what I have been shown. What I have identified. I must honour my new definitions of myself by means of my behaviour and attitudes.

It was definitely unpleasant enough to not want to do again – at least until it is absolutely necessary. I will likely experiment with mushrooms or DMT containing plants in the future for the combined effects but I have confirmed for myself that it is a powerful tool all by itself and was definitely well worth it for all that I have gleaned, been shown and experienced.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 110092
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 37
Published: Apr 23, 2017	Views: 4,875
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Syrian Rue (45) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), General (1)