Citation: indigochild. "Four of My Most Meaningful Trips: An Experience with DMT (exp110218)". Erowid.org. May 8, 2018. erowid.org/exp/110218
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The following is a “trip report” from four of my most meaningful DMT trips. The setting was my dad’s house in various locations. The DMT is 85% pure and the method of ingestion was smoking through a version of a pipe called “the machine” where the DMT is vaporized through metal wool into a small glass receptacle and inhaled through a straw.
During the first experience I was sitting out on the pier by the creek; I loaded up a small amount of DMT into “the machine” and inhaled slowly and cleared the pipe with one long pull. I held it in for about twenty seconds and exhaled. The smoke was very harsh which immediately reminded me of when I used to smoke weed and how if I started coughing it would make me paranoid, so I became slightly paranoid and scurried to hide the pipe and everything else only to realize that there was really no reason to do this, I was alone on the pier. However, the set and setting were not really the most ideal, I was excited to have the experience and didn’t plan, which is why I did a low dose.
Nothing really “changed” per se, but the scenery, which included the creek, the trees, the pier and the sun shining through the trees became more beautiful than anything I had ever seen. The heat from the sun was a feeling of the love of the universe shining down on me. This was felt and known without any words. It was simply a knowing. I knew that this beauty was always there but that we were too wrapped up in our lives to see it. I had a basic understanding of this truth and had “seen” almost a sneak peak of it at various times just by intending to see it but this was something else, this was the real deal. Time slowed down but I did not - not my rate of processing information, at least – I just adapted to the current “speed of time.” The trees swayed back and forth in slow motion and everything was glowing with life, it was like a scene in Bambi except infinitely more beautiful. This experience was short, after the immediate paranoia of not knowing what would happen (caused by the ego-mind) I relaxed and was able to enjoy the beauty.
The setting of the next experience was sitting on the back porch about an hour later, this time I loaded a little more into the pipe. I did not measure it with a scale. As soon as I exhaled, reality as I knew it was entirely “swapped out” for something… else. What I knew about the electromagnetic spectrum (specifically how we can only see a very infinitesimal amount of the infinite amount of frequencies) made sense, because it seemed like this trading of realities came from somewhere that was on a completely different frequency that we are completely unaware of before hand but that is always there, always watching, and always waiting, unchanged, “behind” the reality that we see everyday.
My experience continued on, during which I realized that there was a crack in the perception-filter and the reducing valve of the brain allowed a trickle more of “Mind at Large” or the infinite to pour in and since the optical eyes can only see the small portion of the electromagnetic spectrum the mind has to turn the infinite into something you can see. The world of reduced awareness was suddenly expanded. There was a complete loss of linear time and three dimensional reality as I knew it was replaced with a multi-dimensional world where 1D to 10D seemed to exist at the same time, so that the tree a hundred meters away looked like it was right in front of me but still too far away to touch. Everything became this intelligent fractalized kaleidoscopic morphing mutating trans mutating metamorphic geometric scenery that all seemed to be alive with the most intricate patterns I had ever seen, and trying to tell me something that I couldn’t yet grasp. The new scenery somewhat resembled the scenes which it replaced but only because it was daytime and only because my eyes were open. Everything is intrinsically connected to everything else so that two completely unrelated thoughts or objects became perfectly synchronized. The English language can only describe the world as we know it, it was designed only to describe this three dimensional reality and so the words to describe this have not been created yet.
Both the first two trips were low-dose and only lasted about five to ten minutes.
The third experience took place in the room I’m sleeping in, around 12:30am. I chose the most beautiful music I could find. It sounded like the music angels would sing. The song was “Kyrie” by Robert Gass & On Wings of Song. The setting was the bed with the lights off. I was laying under the covers on the left (my left) side of the bed with the computer to the right of me with the screen light on.
This experience could only be described as a healing experience, in the ultimate sense of the word “healing.” I cleared the pipe in two hits but kept feeling like I was missing something, so I kept hitting the pipe until I couldn’t anymore. Upon my exhale the very nature and fabric of reality or “space-time” came alive with an energy that was not my own, it was so much greater than my own that my own personal thoughts previous to this seemed trivial. The energy was so vibrantly effervescent and alive and real that I knew this was real and that the world I just left was illusory, although it did have substance, it was not “real.” There were these beautiful humming whirring vibrating angels of the most beautiful colors that made up every particle of everything in existence. I knew that they were all expressions of the same infinite consciousness that was God and that they pervaded everything that existed. From the delicate light shining from the computer screen, to the warm socks on my feet, to the clothes touching my body, to the mild wind coming from the fan above me. The sheets and blankets touching my clothes… were all made of these angels.
Even my skin, my body, none of it belonged to me… it was built from these angels but also made of them, and they were all singing these beautiful hymns (coming from the music I now realize). They were radiating a love that was so unconditional, uncontaminated and pure, so powerful, that it made my body convulse slightly. I touched my skin and writhed in pleasure so complete that it was like a full body orgasm. There was an energy surging through me that can only be described as the energy of life itself. I sobbed uncontrollably but the happiest most beautiful tears I’ve ever felt, and I laughed. Pure innocent laughter. The angels had me in their arms and it was almost like they were making love with every cell of my body and mind, except it wasn’t sexual. I think that maybe that’s just one of the ego-mind’s ways of perceiving pure love. It was like nothing could be wrong and nothing would ever go wrong again. My judgment however, was not distorted; with LSD or other drugs I sometimes lose “myself” in an intoxicated way but not with DMT, with DMT I feel like I'm “sober” but just that I’ve stepped into a higher frequency.
The love was so real and so powerful that it melted away all of the ego positionalities that were not allowing me to see things for what they truly were. All in a single instant, I had nothing but unconditional love for myself and for everything. The experience only lasted about fifteen minutes but I discovered things that I could have never found out with the ego-mind still in place in fifteen years of talk therapy. The obstacles in the way of allowing me to see the truth were dissolved by the light of love.
For example, earlier I was talking to my dad and he was having a hard time figuring out what to say, and kept asking me if I was okay with the room I was staying in (my old room) because some of the things I had done to the wall in the past were still showing through the paint. He was asking if I wanted to change anything. He kept talking about the past as if it bothered him. I had not noticed the walls really and was not concerned about them but I kept almost… attacking him and trying to “psychoanalyze” him and ask him why he was so connected to the past? Why couldn’t he let it go? Then finally I just thought he was just drunk and told him how much I loved him (although I realize now that if I really loved him unconditionally I would not have been judging but understanding) and that I was very grateful for everything he had done for me, and he said “well that’s a start” and even then while I was “sober” I remember thinking “wow the power of love to melt away the obstacles.” During my experience with the angels they told me, no... they showed me that it was so hard for him to talk to me because of how much he loves me, and I saw the entire conversation in a new light, from a new perspective, and in an instant the original way of perception was melted away completely. I saw that he was only trying to make sure I was okay here and happy and that he loves me so much it hurts. It hurts him to see what I’ve been through and doesn’t want me to have to remember the past (even though I’m alright with my past) but I realized that I don’t need to try and “figure it out” or “figure him out” that all I need to do is live and love. I was scared to love him before, and the people closest to me… including myself. I mean truly sincerely genuinely loving myself. I thought I did before but I was shown that I did not, or that it could be much greater.
The angels showed me unconditional love, but they didn’t give it to me, they showed me that I always had it, and that the very quintessence of my being was made from it. I felt unconditional love for my dad and my mom and everyone close to me, and everyone in the world, myself especially. I learned that instead of always wanting to be somewhere else, (even though I’ve been telling myself I’m happy in the “here and now,” I realize now that I must not have genuinely felt this way, based on the way I was thinking) that everything is beautiful and everything is perfect exactly the way it is now because now is all there is!
I realized that thinking about the future and where I want to be in a few years is keeping me from being who I am right now! Because this is who I am! I am not those thoughts of the future; I am who I am right now! Think of myself doing what I love one time, and where I want to be, and forget it! It will manifest itself. This I know now. The angels gave me this beautiful feeling that God is everywhere and in EVERYTHING, and that everything is alright… I mean really really alright. Nothing could be better than it is right now, and the beauty of it all is that NOTHING is really happening right now… but at the same time everything is happening.
During the experience I fell in love with myself and who I was, what I looked like, who I was going to be, who I was now, and who I have been. I felt a very natural earthy vibe like Mother Earth was holding me in her arms, and I saw myself with beautiful clothing and robes and Indian fabrics in a garden and as a part of the Earth, completely natural. There seemed to be a presence of plant and Earth spirits. I realized that I shouldn’t be dying my hair or making myself look “perfect,” which brings to mind something a friend said about “putting beauty over beauty” in reference to woman putting on make up. I realized that my mom told me the same thing about myself and that it was unnecessary. I am perfect exactly the way I am. We all are. Everyone is perfect just by the nature of their being. They’re all made up of these angels that are perfect expressions of God. We are all perfect expressions of the God!
This was definitely a healing experience to say the least!
After it was over I muscle tested if I should do it again, because I felt that I got what I needed but there was something more I could get. I realize now that this was greed and I remember my biggest problem before was always wanting MORE and not being satisfied with what I had or where I was. This brings to mind the quote that “if you’re not happy with what you have now you can’t be happy with more.” But the muscle test said yes, so I got ready to go back to the angels.
Calibrated by muscle testing (and I should have remembered this during the trip), I measured out my next dose, I made sure it was the “right amount” and I “asked” the universe if this was the right thing for me to be doing, and I “asked” if I would need it again after this. The “answers” were yes and no.
I inhaled a much larger dose than the other three times and was immediately pushed head first into what I can only describe as a psychedelic hell realm. It was an overdose of pleasure and psychedelic void-ness. The intricately beautiful geometry became overly convoluted and never-ending and was moving faster and wilder than I could have ever imagined possible. The patterns became so intricately woven and sharp that it was disorienting. The angels were gone and what replaced them was an overwhelming fear that I had lost myself entirely, that I had gone to a place where I could never come back. This now brings about the realization that “heaven and hell are a tenth of an inch a part” and that pleasure and pain can be one in the same, that opposites are not real, but merely figments of our imagination brought about by the ego-mind needing to interpret and edit everything and attribute everything to “cause and effect,” which is also something the ego-mind created.
Synesthesia (a process by which one sense modality is “described” or characterized in terms of another) was in full effect. All my senses: touch smell sight taste and smell were blended together. I could see my thoughts, I could hear the colors, I could taste the music. Everything I laid my eyes on was so intricately geometrical and moving so fast that it was absolutely unreal. Absolutely unreal… and despite everything I tried to do I couldn’t get it to stop! (I didn’t actually try much of anything as I had lost all control of cognitive functioning, but it seemed like I had already tried “everything” at the time) I was rolling around in my bed stuck in a mode where I couldn’t function at all. I couldn’t figure out where the light was, where my glasses were… where anything was. Because I wasn’t wearing my glasses I couldn’t see anything from “this” reality but the psychedelic patterned overlays of kaleidoscopic void-ness were perfectly clear leading me to believe that I had lost the other world entirely and was stuck “here.” It no longer felt like home. I kept thinking that this was it, that I was stuck in this psychedelic hell realm and that maybe this was what my life was going to be like forever.
I went through a series of thoughts of how I could get it to stop (never did it occur to me to take another drug) and the progression of thoughts led me to a realization (at the time) that the only way I could stop this was to kill myself. (Later I realize that a lot of people feel like they’re dying during the trip, and that you’re supposed to just let go and “float downstream,” and that’s how you break through). Somehow I thought that maybe killing myself now was the purpose of this life and when I killed myself maybe I would have finally broken through to the other side. (I should have just let go of the ego-mind!) I kept telling myself it would end but then my ego-mind kept telling me that maybe I was really stuck, like “oh yeah I’ve heard of this before: guy gets stuck in a trip and is never the same again, then dies.” The music that was before so harmonic beautiful and angelic, became this song of death…
the angels were no longer singing it to me in love, in fact the presence of the angels was no longer felt but the voice of the woman singing the music became this “angel of death” with a message that it was time to leave, and go to heaven! I did not want to die! (Never did it occur to me to change the music) or even that the muscle testing confirmed I should go to this “place” and that I was “supposed” to be here; even if I did I’m sure I would have twisted it into thinking God wanted me to die.
The music that was before so harmonic beautiful and angelic, became this song of death…
I think this thought actually did cross my mind because I remember thinking that the ultimate sacrifice is surrendering “myself,” or the ego-mind in it’s entirety over to God. This makes me realize now that the ego will try to stay alive and always “be right” at all cost. Anyway, I got up and tried to turn the light on to go smoke a cigarette and “get back to normal” but I couldn’t find the light switch, so I fell back into oblivion for a few moments (which seemed like an eternity) and realized again that I absolutely could not continue to function like this.
Eventually I found the light switch and found my cigarettes and walked outside and smoked and I thought for a moment it was over, that I could function again, so I imagined myself operating in everyday life and then immediately the visions started again. Everywhere I looked the intricate spirals and morphing shapes continued to the same degree where the world as I knew it was completely replaced. I came back down for a second time and the cigarette tasted insipid and bland, and the thought then occurred to me to drink alcohol even though I knew I couldn’t stomach it at the time.
I walked into the house with the drug still in effect (although significantly less intense than it was before) and walked to the liquor cabinet but instead of drinking I started looking at everything in the room, and noticing how cool it all was! And then everything started to become funny! Everything was beautiful even though the trip was over, and I could feel my body and it felt good! And I looked into the dark glass windows and saw myself, and realized again to love myself because I looked awesome! Except this time, I wasn’t in the “arms” of the angels, this time I was back on Earth. So I really came back into my body and felt the same things I felt on the first time but I felt them “here.” I knew to love myself, to love “reality” as it is and as it was right then because where I just left could have really been permanent. “It was only a dream!” I realized that although the previous experience was enlightening and wonderful and full of love there might have been a part of my ego-mind that thought that the love I experienced came from the drug or the state the drug allowed and the angels were only there when the drug took effect. In fact, I must have thought something at least similar because I wanted so bad to rush back into it to meet the angels again! Now I realize that the angels pervade all of existence all the time and even though I can’t see them I now know that they’re still here, and always will be. They are all manifestations of God or the infinite, like the way that all the Hindu gods are different manifestations of the ultimate Godhead. The angels are made out of pure love. They’re not happy when were not happy. They want us to be happy, even when we can’t “see” them, they’re there and they protect us.
One of the messages here was to know that this drug is serious, that I should not keep experimenting often. I learned what I needed to learn and now I have to take that information and incorporate it into my life. There is a reason why the infinite consciousness is funneled in through the reducing valve and there is a reason why we only get a tiny bit of the consciousness it takes to survive on this planet as Aldous Huxley says, because we could not survive if the infinite was able to be perceived, or even just a fraction more of the infinite, even that was too much to retain cognitive function, at least on a day-to-day level. At the point when the infinite does shine through, after “enlightenment” as I understand it, the day-to-day life is over and the only reason one would continue to exist would be to teach or raise the levels of consciousness of mankind as a whole, if needed. But it would not be a psychedelic hell realm, quite the opposite, as I understand it.
So I started looking in the dark glass again and I started dancing! Dancing and laughing. There was no music but my body was moving rhythmical. I was able to feel my body and was so comfortable with it and comfortable with everything and just so unbelievable grateful to be back in this realm again which lets me know that right now I need to live my life, and live it to the best of my ability and embrace everything, stop trying to reach higher states of consciousness and altered states of consciousness and just embrace LIFE as it is NOW! That doesn’t mean to stop striving to be enlightened, it only means to stop wanting to be there instead of here! Everything is perfect the way it is. I learned balance.
Before this trip I ate a piece of fruit and instead of enjoying the fruit I longed to be back in the loving embrace of the angels and so I didn’t fully experience eating the fruit. I was only fifty percent eating the fruit and the other fifty percent thinking of the angels. I didn’t realize that they were there then too! And now! Everything is beautiful and is okay the way it is. So yes that was enough of the drug for the experience I needed and no I don’t need to do it again right away but instead of just taking the universe’s advice through the muscle testing now I don’t WANT to do it again yet because I’m not ready for the ultimate breakthrough yet, and although I could have remembered the muscle testing and implemented it during the trip I needed to experience that fear to always remember that I shouldn’t be rushing back into a trip and I shouldn’t be rushing out of “reality” as it is right now. This reality is a trip in itself. I felt good in my body and I liked the way I looked and the way I felt when I came down and I liked where I was and who I was and where I was and everything had humor to it but not too much, not so much it was uncontrollable, there was no convulsing and no crying just a slight humor and a deep love for everything that was.
I realize I don’t have to be exposed to an incapacitating amount of love to know it’s there. I don’t have to be literally writhing in it (because then how could I function?) I can just kind of laugh and enjoy life as it is. I suppose this was the “rebirthing” experience I asked for. Instead of talking about everything and thinking I understood things, I think that now I might have a better understanding, of course there is still plenty to learn. So for now I will stop experimenting with the drug. I am living and loving life, I am tired and going to sleep. I did not break through the barrier and reach another planet or reach alien beings or my underground friends but I did have a kind of rebirthing experience, albeit a very odd one.
At another time I will try to reach other frequencies of existence but right now I am focusing on life as it is now, and next time I’ll remember that I WILL come down… and to let go.
The next day there is a calm cool and collected vibe and the “observer” is present throughout most of the day, I am non-attached to my thoughts. I am a little “hazy” though but I woke up with energy and woke up happy. I have been able to carry on conversations about anything and feel like I am back in my body.
Part of the balance I learned is that not everyone is ready for enlightenment, or ready to leave their current level of understanding. This brings to mind the quote “enslavement by illusion is comfortable, it is freedom by the truth that people fear.” I have the ability to carry on beautiful conversations about anything and every single individual will benefit just as much from the carrier wave of the high level of consciousness I exist in as if I was sharing direct information about it, or the infinite. Now I wonder if this state of being will last or if I may need a “rebirthing” experience every few months or so.
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