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Beautiful Painful and Terrifying Ego-Death
Citation:   Faversham. "Beautiful Painful and Terrifying Ego-Death: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (exp110557)". Jun 18, 2018.

37.5 mg oral 4-AcO-DMT (liquid)
  1 tablet oral Vitamin C (liquid)

Should note that this is my first trip report, and is written from a very general, layman kind of perspective.

Somewhere around 35/40 mg

Ingested at 13:42 stirred into a glass of water along with a dissolved vitamin C tablet.

After taking it I planned on having a quick shower, ideally with the trip starting once I was out and dry. It only took about 20 minutes for me to start to feel the effects on my body and mind, after 35 minutes I was already tripping harder than I had expected.

Coming up was fairly uncomfortable - it was that feeling when my body is both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, kind of writhing around a bit
Coming up was fairly uncomfortable - it was that feeling when my body is both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, kind of writhing around a bit
, but it eventually went away and I was able to really relax. After 1 hours I was seeing full on Alex Grey style visuals - very organic patterns with shapes that looked like eyeballs here and there. The closed eye visuals are very intense, I was fascinated with how the amount of light in my room affected the CEVs. With my curtains open and my eyes closed it was all very bright yellow and orange, intricate almost crystalline fractal patterns. With less light there were more colours, and obviously it was darker overall, a little more organic too. Some greens and blues. When I closed my hands over my eyes to put myself in total darkness, it was as if I was looking down this pitch black tunnel lined with a spiral of little bright stars, quite a lot of space in between the little lights though. It was all gently flickering and turning. Prior to this experience I'd only ever done low doses of LSD and 4-aco-dmt, never experienced very intense visuals, or at least not for such a prolonged time. While writing notes down I could see faces in my hands, google deepdream style, like knots in wood.

After a certain point I half conscious, and unable (and unwilling) to check the time or write anything down. Roughly an hour and a half to 2 hours in. The difference between my eyes being open or closed was starting to not matter, it was just a lot easier to have them closed because everything was so bright and intense. This is when it became more than just shapes and patterns, seeing and feeling became one and the same, all of my sense became involved with the experience in my brain. I went through what I think were memories, although it may have been more of a dream. I relived very recent memories too, things I did earlier in the day. The organic patterns had a very green tint now, and I could hear and feel the stringy shapes of them. I can only describe the sound as a sort of, powerful, very deep and low thumping. Similar to the kind of sound effects one hears in modern movies for the more abstract style of aliens. The audio hallucinations were also making the music playing in my room very uncomfortable to listen to. I knew for a fact that the song playing was not supposed to sound the way it did
The audio hallucinations were also making the music playing in my room very uncomfortable to listen to. I knew for a fact that the song playing was not supposed to sound the way it did
, it was as if someone took the file into audacity and messed with it as much as they could - for milliseconds, it would go up, down, slow down, echo, reverb. Did not have a coherent flow or beat to it any more, so I turned it off. There was also a sort of constant warm grainy popping sound, exactly like what one can hear from a record player, louder than the music itself.

At one point my entire bedroom filled with water, from the ground to the roof - I don't know if my eyes were open or closed, but I could feel it all over my skin and the way it darkened everything. Then it passed and I was in memories again. Somewhere around this time is when I believe I experienced ego-death. I could not feel my body, and with my eyes closed I was no longer aware of my body or my room or the bed I was on - One very specific thing I remember seeing/feeling was myself as a tiny wiggling sperm-shape, swimming in this flowing ocean of colours and other little wiggles like myself, I shrunk and shrunk and became a dot, embedded in the flow of it all. The colours were bright, a mixture of red, pink, orange and yellow. Only when I opened my eyes could I see how contorted my body was, I was in a very uncomfortable position with my arms both behind my back and head, on my side, but I simply couldn't feel any of that and barely had the ability to move myself. The open eye visuals were very bizarre here, with my head on my pillow looking to the side, at my bedside table with my lamp, bottle of water and other junk all over it, it wasn't so much that I was seeing patterns any more or that objects were distorted - the only way I can describe it is to use the idea of taking a photo of my field of vision at the time, imagine that photo printed on a large block of clay or some malleable plastic, and then molding and pushing it all around, mostly pushing it inward in a concave kind of way. Depth didn't really matter, everything was like a 2 dimensional piece of artwork. I had basically no depth perception too, picking up my bottle of water to drink from it was very difficult to do without knocking anything over.

This is when I was overcome with a feeling of being okay with death. And everything gets weird and intense from this point - For a good while I was thinking about how I don't care if I die, it no longer mattered, being alive or dead, as I felt I was part of something greater and that this body was unimportant. What should be positive turned pretty negative in recollection, since I then began to think about ending my life myself. I should note that for almost a year I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and crippling social anxiety. The past few months I have been steadily improving however. Obviously at this point, still being totally incapacitated and unable to even sit up, I wasn't really in any danger of actually being able to do it there and then but the feelings were so overwhelming that it also began to scare me. Although I think what really scared me was this awful, uncomfortable feeling that was beginning to take over my body. I began to writhe around a bit again, and realized that my whole body was wet with sweat. During this time my breathing was getting difficult too, I felt that if I didn't keep manually taking these deep, almost wheezing breaths that I would just forget to breath and die that way. It's difficult to describe but I also felt a sort of painful rushing in my head and my heart at times. I tried to ignore this for a while, so I could enjoy the trip, but past a certain point I realized something was deeply wrong and I couldn't just lie here and ignore it - I knew that I was going to burst or something, and I did not want to vomit/piss on my bed.

Since this was happening at the same time as my loss of ego and my comfortable feelings of death and dissociation, I
Truly believed at that time that I was straight up dying, then and there. Thank god I put my phone on airplane mode
Before tripping, because I was so, so goddamn close to dialing 999 and just whimpering, hoping they would come and
Help or something. I went through all these possibilities in my mind, experiencing the different things that could happen,
Before deciding that it was not worth potentially fucking my life up if I really did dial 999 and lived through it. Keep in mind
This is basically while I'm peaking and basically blind, unable to stand up straight or walk. Thankfully I had a totally empty
Stomach, otherwise it would have been a lot harder to control. I literally dragged myself to the toilet, which at least was only a couple meters from my bed, feeling unbelievably unwell. I was sprawled over the wet bathroom floor, I no longer
Cared about hygiene, I gripped the toilet bowl so deeply, my head was basically in it with my fingers gripping under the
Inside amongst the filth and shit.
I had convinced myself that I was just sick, I was just unwell and that I would make myself get through it just fine. I basically turned fully over from enjoying a trip to trying to stay alive and take care of my body. Again, since my stomach was empty I mostly just wretched for a while until it seemed like it was over, I took another shower to clean the combination of uncleanliness from my body, and began to feel much better. I was already starting to come down from the peak and could feel normal brain function again, I felt more sober already and knew that I was going to be okay from this point.

This is only 4 hours into the trip, and I had dropped from peak way way down to almost no visuals distortion, some thought looping but I was mostly able to take control of the trip from there. I got dry and relaxed again, trying to process what had happened and whether I had actually come close to dying or not. I went on a harm reduction IRC, chatted with people and was able to calm down. My head and gut were very painful still. After 6 hours I was almost totally down. After 8 or 9 hours the pain in my head had gotten worse, behind my eyes too.

The last effects of the drug I experienced were right before I fell asleep at roughly 2AM, 12-ish hours after the start. In the pitch black I could see this organic, constantly shifting grid pattern of oblong shapes, all dark grey and blue, very subtle.

I understand now why trip sitters are important, I would not take this dose or any greater without one. The important thing is that, at least so far I think, it 'worked'. I no longer want to die, at all. I used to have comforting thoughts of suicide, that I hated and wish I could get rid of. Coming so close to being able to doing it, at least feeling as if I was about to die, and getting through it, has convinced me that I love this life and will cling to it and improve it. Death as a comforting thing is stupid, I don't even find the idea funny any more...

Exp Year: 2017ExpID: 110557
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Jun 18, 2018Views: 3,942
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : General (1), Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Alone (16)

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