DOSE:

oral

MDMA

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

50 kg

It's been almost 3 years since I took MDMA for the first time, but I feel like I will always remember that day well. I think about it often, especially when put myself in the same state... Which happens more or less regularly. I have a great respect and sympathy towards Molly. It's a beautiful and powerful drug. To experience the joys of it throughout my life, and not just for a couple of years, I didn't abuse it after I first got my hands on it. Make your research beforehand, test your drugs, count as many weeks or months between your highs as possible. 6 weeks is an absolute minimum, more is better.

Background: I had just finished my studies and moved to a capital of a neighboring country. I wasn't taking any prescription drugs or supplement at the time, I only learned about post- and preloading much later. I didn't particularly prepare for this experience.

He was my first out of town guest. Someone I have known for years, someone important. It must have been September. He told me he brought me something and I was quite excited about trying a new drug. I've always been curious about using my brain as an experimental field with different substances. At this point I have tried weed, hash, DXM numerous times, some synthetic cannabinoids, mushrooms and LSD – each one time. Alcohol and tobacco obviously too. But I really had no idea about ecstasy, neither had I read about it nor I knew what to expect exactly. My friend was a bit cryptic, saying just „You will see”. I trusted him, as he never gave me a reason not to. I felt safe and taken care of. He didn't take anything on that day, so I had a trip sitter which made me feel that whatever happens, it won't be too bad with someone else with me.

It was around 5pm I think. I don't know what dosage exactly it was, but I don't think it was a very high one (80 mg is an estimate). I dissolved the powder in some non-alcoholic drink and drank it while still at home. We collected our stuff and made ourselves on the way to a big art gallery about 5 km away. We were cycling, and apparently we took too much time, as I had my first ever MDMA peak while cycling on a quite busy street. So much Albert Hofmann-y, but trust me, it wasn't planned like that. I had a feeling I was cycling normally, my friend was worried that something might happen 'cause apparently I was very slow and clumsy. He might have had a point. But finally we made it to the gallery.

I couldn't stop smiling at myself, at him, at everyone else, and obviously I was touching my skin constantly. I couldn't believe that something like that was possible. The art was amazing. When I now look at the online archive of the gallery, the temporary exhibitions from that time don't seem familiar. But I vividly remember the permanent exhibition – huge, colorful works of Andy Warhol and other contemporary artists. The gallery in itself is a beautiful building too, high ceilings, interesting architecture, lot of light. But actually the content of the artworks was not too important. They, together with the space of the gallery, were a stage, a framework, providing a kind of sublimity to the whole situation, and obviously a lot of pleasurable visual sensations. For quite some time we were sitting around and flicking though many albums and art books which were a part of the exhibitions. I remember just wanting to memorize every picture, every sensation, every emotion.

The state I was in was so blissful yet vague that afterwards I had troubles describing what exactly happened. What really mattered was invisible – emotions, uninhibited joy of the moment. It was a good place to have such an experience – a non-religious way of being in a temple. In this case a temple of beauty, of beautiful uselessness, of art making sense no matter if it has any relevant message, as sensual impressions were a message enough for me. Everything these couple of hours were about was feeling, taking things in as they were, experiencing. Not thinking, not intellectualism. Other drugs can be intellectual to me, but MDMA makes me free of thoughts and full of feelings. I remember I thought, or maybe I said it out loud, that the whole thing was as if floating on a cloud surrounded by love and happiness.

Afterwards I obviously remember being sad that it was over, but also amazed that it happened in the first place and might be recreated. The gallery was closing, so we left, went to a store, bought some juice, sat around on a bench for a little while and went backed home. Maybe went for a walk later in the evening, I don't remember exactly. I don't recall having any unpleasant hang-over kind of thing, which I know from later times with E, especially after doing it through the night.

It is such a sentimental thing to say, but it was one of the most beautiful days of my life. I had loved the person who introduced me to MDMA, and this day helped me to finally and for good get over what I thought could have been, but never was between us. He could never give me love, but he gave me something which made me feel so much of it towards the world, art, music, movement, strangers and close ones, on that first day and others to come. A powerful, blissful tool. Thank you so much.

My next MDMA experience was around 6 months later, and good things happened then too, although I felt that „it's not the same as the first time”. It has never been the same afterwards (it has never been with the same person, so it's part of the reason), but the magic is still there. I did MDMA altogether around 8 times, and it still has strong effects on me – strong empathogenic effects included. I think that the key is enough time in between. Once I only had like 3-4 weeks pause and the experience was a bit disappointing, but longer breaks helped with that.

I don't know who will read it, so I have to stress once again – taking care of yourself and people around you. E can provide you with great moments, but can be dangerous too, especially if you don't know exactly what you are getting from the street or you take medicines that can badly interact with it. You might crave doing it over and over again – don't give in to this feeling too often. It doesn't pay off, the magic might be gone if you overdo. Be responsible, stay safe.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 110745
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: Nov 4, 2019	Views: 612
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MDMA (3) : Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53), Retrospective / Summary (11), First Times (2)