Citation: Ancient. "Happiness in the Place of Sadness: An Experience with MDMA (exp110762)". Erowid.org. Jul 16, 2018. erowid.org/exp/110762
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Previous drug experiences in case youíd like to know: Cannabis, alcohol, nicotine, adderall, ritalin, cocaine, LSD, mushrooms, 25i-NBOMe, gabapentin, valium, xanax, klonopin, etizolam, hydrocodone, oxycodone, methadone, heroin
My first impression of Ecstasy was incredibly positive. It was simply amazing. In my opinion, it definitely has therapeutic potential, which has been a hot topic in the medical community recently. In the weeks before this experience I had been feeling dull, isolated from friends, and occasionally depressed. I knew I was in need of some serious healing. Most of my depression revolved around control and moderation issues with drugs, so I did not expect or intend to have a mind blowing or enlightening experience with yet another drug. I did, however, spend approximately 10 minutes of the experience thinking to myself about these issues and did come to some valuable insights and conclusions, and in the following days have felt more positive, optimistic, and motivated.
These are my original notes at the time of the experience. I have added more words in the days after to make it an easier read, because my notes became increasingly spastic as time went on. The setting was my flat in the summer, with my roommate who had also agreed to take half of the pill. We are friends and have been hanging out pretty much non-stop for the last few months since we got used to each other.
I procured a 200mg MDMA tablet from a popular and reliable vendor on the dark web. At 6:30pm I brought the pill out and attempted to split it in half. It did have an indentation but was home-pressed and crumbled during my attempt. Before I split the pill however I weighed it out at 0.57g. Half of that number is 0.285, but we were left with two piles that weighed 0.26g and 0.31g. I weigh 130lbs (and have a fast metabolism) and my roommate weighs 160, so I let him have the larger share. I read that most people have a sweet spot with ecstasy, and will not need more than a certain amount once they have figured out their personal dose. I was confident that the estimated 90mg pill pile would give me the full experience. I have always been incredibly sensitive to changes in my body and require very little of any drug to experience strong effects.
00:00 - Ingested approximately half a '200mg' purple Kentucky pill, which I estimate to have really been 90mg, then took a shower.
00:15 - I get out of the shower, put some loose-fitting clothes on, come back out into the main room and sit down. I am feeling slightly better, noting pleasant bodily sensations such as warm skin and soft clothes, but they are only slightly more pronounced than baseline, and could be a placebo.
00:20 - I am definitely feeling positive and optimistic, more so than baseline, and can sense that I am having a mood lift which feels drug-induced. I am calm and complacent. A random pang of anxiety that would normally have lasted longer for me was washed away quickly.
00:25 - Felt a tiny wave of euphoria that was definitely different than anything I have felt during a sober and euphoric state. Feels like the gears of the MDMA are beginning to spin. Got up to walk around my apartment and quite enjoyed the feeling of the carpet and tile floors, like how they feel much different from one another. Feeling a slight tightness in my stomach as well.
00:30 - Something is happening. I feel slightly more alert, and when I walk I feel like I weigh less. My movements are flowing much more nicely.
00:40 - GOOD. Oh, I definitely feel good. I definitely feel good. My body is warm. The launch is starting. Mouth dry. My headspace is slightly more dissociated.
00:45 - I am enjoying walking around my apartment and am starting to sway left and right as I type these words. The cold air from the AC feels very distinct when it hits my body. My roommate is playing slower paced music which I do not mind but can tell I will definitely be interested in listening to fast-paced stuff later. My body temperature has definitely increased and I am sweating very slightly simply from slow left/right rocking motions. I am definitely feeling the ecstasy now. Every point on my body that sends signals back to my brain feels more 'saturated'. It is somewhat comparable to the same type of saturation of the senses that one experiences on LSD, but without the mindfucking effect that comes from dwelling on a single sensation. My neck is warm, my fingers soft and slightly wet from sweat.
00:50 - I am finding it increasingly hard to stay still and instead am beginning to pace, jump, and jog around my apartment instead of moving normally. I am compulsively feeling lots of different surfaces because each new thing is incredibly exciting. At one point I touched my entertainment center which had not been dusted in a while, and when I went to go wash my hands, the water shocked me because it felt like it was flooding deep into my pores. Out loud I could not help myself from saying, ďwhoaĒ. It was strong.
00:55 - I changed the music genre to EDM, and now the experience all starts to fall into place. The music sounds so saturated, much like the sensation of touch, but in my ears instead. I had to dance because it was irresistible at this point.
01:00 - I have been dancing for five minutes straight, unable to stop moving. My body feels in tune with every beat, and since I have heard the song before I am making a (very tiny) effort to time my moves with the beat. I spun in place, and that was wonderful. This is nice. My body is weightless. I understand why people jump so much at raves.
01:05 - Dancing dancing dancing. Skin feels tingly, hot-but-cold sensation. Body temperature has risen for sure.
01:10 - Could not stop myself from feeling my roommate's arm. It felt so soft, warm, and malleable. I have touched nearly every surface in my apartment by now. The music is phenomenal, I can't stop moving, I'm walking in repetitive circles as I type this. I hugged a pillow for about two minutes and just kept breathing in. †I understand why EDM music is so repetitive now, the continuous melodies and drum beats are so enticing because each repetition gives rise to a euphoric wave (which is pleasantly overwhelming because the music is so fast). The sound seems to massage my body all over in the best sweet spots, and the repetition maintains the euphoria. Taking notes all throughout my peak has not negatively impacted anything, I donít feel like Iím missing out on the experience.
01:20 - Turned off all lights closed all blinds and turned on black lights and LEDs to increase the atmosphere. It definitely works. Damn. Sweating, happy, entranced by music. Just happy.
01:25 - †Communicating with my roommate is nice. I apologized for being somewhat distant and isolated the last few days, and I explain that I have been finding it hard to talk and be happy. Pretty much haven't stopped moving since 01:00.
01:30 - Eating a banana. This banana is so soft. I can feel every fiber of this banana in my mouth, going down my esophagus, everything. It's all so pleasant. So easy to eat. YES. Give me more. I am craving every tactile sensation and every possible sensory input.
01:35 - I begin thinking very hard about why I have been so depressed lately. I recently worked with children for one school year and have definitely felt empty without them. But now, I just feel glad that I accompanied them through a period in their life. I got to watch them grow, mature, and evolve. It was fascinating and yes, I will miss them, but I need to move on to the next chapter of my life, which is re-entering college. It will be transformative and exciting. I will learn, I will be stimulated mentally.
01:45 - I have reached the plateau. Everything is more gentle now. I am no longer excitedly sprinting around my apartment flooding myself with stimulation because I feel like I can control it more. The music is wonderful, setting is awesome. Spent some time watching MDMA/Trance visual videos on YouTube. Back to listening to music now, upbeat still. I started thinking to myself about how I will be ready for the comedown, and that knowing this will end is good and healthy to think about. Does not diminish my experience at all, still having a blast. I personally enjoyed the come up, I loved the overpowering and frantic excitement, wanting to touch and feel everything I saw.
02:05 - I'm really receptive to everything my roommate says. I really don't want to be typing as he's talking because I feel like he deserves more attention. I want him to feel good and listened to.
02:10 - holy shit we finished talking and we both put on headphones and DAMN this music is good. We can turn it up louder too because we have neighbors and therefore can't blast the speakers. I feel like the experience is slowly coming down but I am still very much there. I feel less need to spontaneously dance, though if I try, I can get back in the mood.
03:15 - last hour was spent making music, as both my roommate and I are fans. Definitely feel the comedown, but no desire to do more (not that I could, thatís all I had) as I don't want to prolong the flood of serotonin. Little drained.
03:30 - got up to go to the bathroom and washed my hands. Was feeling a little cold and the warm water was still so enticing that I had to take another very warm shower (which was heavenly). I am coming down but not disappointed. I am almost ready to leave that euphoric space, for I know that it is fleeting and very artificial. MDMA definitely has therapeutic qualities, however, and the artificial nature of the happiness should not be overlooked as just another fuck-up/party drug. It definitely could be that in larger amounts though, hence the popularity. I am interested how I will feel the next day. I am certain I will be very sad at some point but this experience was eye-opening and I do not regret it. For now.
03:40 - Smoked one bowl of cannabis. Really relaxing. I usually avoid cannabis because normally I will have uncomfortable body jitters when I smoke, but right now I have nearly zero. Talking to my roommate more, just relaxing. Definitely nowhere near the peak but the euphoria still comes in waves, subtly. The cannabis seems to have brought back the euphoria and positivity a little. It is not near peak levels but perhaps 02:00. It also seems to lengthen tactile sensations. What I mean by this is that the initial euphoric wave from every touch, smell, and taste reverberates for a few seconds longer than I remember on just the MDMA itself.
04:00 - I continued to make music on my own, while my roommate listens.
05:30 - I feel incredibly constipated! This is uncomfortable, and I need it to end. I go into the bathroom and get laxatives, which I take one dose of. The discomfort is actually not detracting from the experience at all and I still feel very pleasant.
07:00 - The comedown is heavier now. My body feels exhausted and needs rest. Slight nausea from the laxative. To combat this, I lay down and relax. As soon as I relax my body completely, the constipation stops! I realize that it is the stomach tightness from before. I have been unconsciously clenching my stomach muscles for god knows how long, probably since at least 05:00. Wow. This is probably the only negative I have encountered so far.
07:10 I relaxed for a good 5 minutes letting my stomach muscles loosen. I want to go to bed now but I still feel awake. I had the idea to clean the apartment, since there is shit everywhere, so Iíve been doing that. I want my surroundings to be beautiful and clean.
16:10 - I slept for 9 hours and feel good. My body is somewhat exhausted but I am still here mentally. I am not having any mental or physical repercussions from doing normal things. I feel great, actually, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
17:55 - After getting all that sleep I am still tired, eyes shifting out of focus. Still I feel positive and have gained a lot from my experience last night. I feel somewhat renewed and ready to continue life.
Two days later I have decided to stop using drugs and get clean. My body feels abused and I am very mentally cloudy. I rarely get depressed but the last few weeks have been a struggle, and drugs are not helping. This is definitely not me at my greatest potential and so I have resolved to do better. I suspect a portion of this motivation is coming from my MDMA experience. I smoked weed today and all it did for me was create more of these thoughts, albeit much stronger and more emotionally charged.
MDMA was a wonderfully positive experience and I would love to do it again at some point, but right now Iíve got every intention to stay away from drugs. Something I noted was that as soon as I started thinking about my kids from work, it was almost impossible not to think about their impact on my life. I knew that a good part of my depression was because of losing them, but when I took ecstasy I was filled with so much self-love that I felt I owed it to myself to explore it. It got me thinking at the level I was subconsciously avoiding and definitely brought me a little more clarity and peace.
It makes me so happy that I can take on pretty much anything. It is important not to overheat however, because there is a compulsive need to move, or just do SOMETHING. Thatís the beauty with this one, is that I can do just about anything and love the hell out of it. I can also think about pretty much anything because all of my normal mental barriers and schemas are not as strong. I was willing to breeze through the entire timeline of my depression and pinpoint triggers without much sadness or feelings of loss. It was pretty much happiness in the place of sadness, and while it was the result of a drug, the potential for personal healing should not be overlooked. Now three days later, I am starting to pay attention to the bigger picture more. My actions are not simply reactions now. I am thinking ahead and planning my moves accordingly. The temptations to use drugs are still strong, I just feel more willpower than I did before.
I feel confident that what I ingested was definitely the real thing, because every sensation and thought associated with my experience was either strikingly similar or pretty close to everything I had researched and read about.
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