Citation: Kali. "Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt: An Experience with MDMA (exp110980)". Erowid.org. Oct 9, 2017. erowid.org/exp/110980
My husband and I are middle-aged hippies, with a history of extensive experience with marijuana, nitrous oxide, LSD, and mushrooms, and I have explored opiates, salvia divinorum, and had an unfortunate teenaged love affair with cocaine that thankfully ended before disaster occurred. I am a long term meditator and follower of the teachings of Adyashanti, with a deep interest in the nondual nature of reality and the use of psychedelics to facilitate mystical states. This was my first use of MDMA.
Preparations included extensive reading about MDMA in spiritual contexts as well as in social settings, contemplation, setting an intention to allow any truth to be revealed that arose, and a relationship of honesty and trust between us. We obtained the medicine from a trusted source who had tried it herself before we did to decrease the risk of toxicity. We cleared our schedule and arranged sleepovers for our four children in order to have the house to ourselves. We also predosed with 5-HTP and vitamin E daily for a week or so beforehand.
We spent most of the evening in our darkened bedroom with loud trance electronica music and a psychedelic fractal video playing on the computer. We did not use any other substances including alcohol on the day of the trip, aside from the 5-HTP and vitamin E.
This is what I wrote in my journal at the end of the experience at 4:30 am.
First four kids had to go off on sleepovers. Then, we got sushi and took a shower to let the food digest, allowing 45 minutes as per one of the guides we'd read. We got out the pills - what dose? Who knows? The woman we got it from, a trusted friend, said it was good, and strong, and we should start with a half. After watching a generally positive educational video, seeing that long chemical name and the warnings that of course it's not 100% safe, it kindled a bit of anxiety. Not about the trip, about maybe being poisoned and having a cardiac event or something. So we started uber small and took 1/3 pill each at 7:45. Went for a walk. Supposed to kick in between 30-45 minutes, or maybe an hour, we were told.
Back at the house, it was really unclear if anything was happening. So we put on a trance dance mix and a youtube psychedelic fractal video, and I started moving and dancing, and he started playing his electric guitar (which is his meditative practice), and it all felt a little faked, and at 9:09 I was like 'it's time to take this other piece' so we got the dose up to the full half tab. A little more dancing and then I felt suddenly like just lying down on the bed and watching the video. I could not say if anything was happening. Nothing looked different, my body didn't feel different. I tried rubbing the soft blanket, nothing. The music was sounding kind of cool. I could feel my consciousness watching itself like a hawk. What will happen? Will I know when it's happening? What if nothing happens?
I could feel my consciousness watching itself like a hawk. What will happen? Will I know when it's happening? What if nothing happens?
Even with the hypervigilance I don't remember how he ended up on me, but next thing I remember J was lying with his head on my stomach and still playing guitar. I started stroking his hair, and then my hand was on his forearm while he played guitar and it just felt, like amazing. Almost no talking. We grinned over at each other and I felt totally melted into him, into the bed, and an energy came through my body, tingling and warm but subtle, and a sense of oh fuck oh god oh please give it to me bring me take it take everything. I looked at him at one point and said 'I feel like I'm gonna cum.' It wasn't sexual. It was spiritual, like I wanted to be taken by god. I wanted to surrender totally. I was watching a running chant in my head that changed a few times, from 'open' to 'dissolve' to 'let go' and then it just became 'Fuck Yes!' Yes to everything.
It still felt fragile at first, like when I opened my eyes it seemed to set it back so I closed them again and the music was so awesome and pounding and his guitar was totally a part of it, not separate any more. I thought about all the people I love, and I brought them all into the space and gave them love and attention in the space of total peace. I thought maybe I should try to work on things that are hard, because this is used to incredible effect in therapy for PTSD. I tried to think about things that bother me to bring into the space. For a while I couldn't think of any. Then I thought about my kids' annoying behaviors, and that was fine. I thought of the mess in the house, no problem. I thought about that boy [recently read a story in the Washington post] Adrian who was tortured to death and just felt the saddest love, but still open. I thought of P and D [two friends who have died] and how we will all die, and it was OK. I even, for a brief moment, thought about that pathetic narcissist who is president and felt some sadness and compassion for him.
Perfect love and perfect trust. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. The universe is pure perfection. No need for anything.
I guess it was about 10 when things were really getting intense there with the stroking and cuddling and guitar playing, I could really not keep my eyes open or talk. Or didn't want to. There was energy but I didn't want to get up and dance, for one thing then I wouldn't be touching J, and also I wanted to introspect. Find out what reality is made of.
We told each other we loved each other, though it didn't need to be spoken. At one point stretched out on me he said 'I feel like a cat.' Everything was ordinary and exquisite and there was complete intimacy and understanding. It was about 11 when I said 'I want this to keep happening forever. I'm thinking of maybe taking some more' and I meant it totally, but I just didn't want to get up. I was so content, even the promise of extending the bliss was not motivating enough to move. There was no fear or anxiety or planning.
What I experienced: feelings of extreme closeness and connection to J, and to everyone I love, sensory delight in hugging and kissing and stroking his hair, ability to converse with total honesty about everything, things that would have been hard, challenges we've had, such openness. We reviewed the challenges each of our children have and addressed some longstanding dysfunctional patterns of interaction and ways we'd like to change them. I felt energy all through my body and this begging craving 'take me' feeling, like I was really gonna cum through my whole body, for like an hour. Desperately longing for more, deeper, and yet utterly content with this right here. I realized at some point it was wearing off, and that was a little sad, but it still felt really good for a long time. As it got less intense we talked and talked. At 1 am I realized the time for taking more, if it had ever been, was long past.
Also when I went to the bathroom I couldn't see anything without my glasses and when I looked in the mirror my pupils were the size of saucers!
I would consider this experiment a resounding success and I think the lessons will be usefully integrated over the next several weeks. I look forward to trying it again in a month or so, at a higher dose and on an emptier stomach.
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