DOSE: T+ 0:00	250 mg	rectal	Ketamine
T+ 0:00	20 mg	insufflated	Ketamine	(powder / crystals)
T+ 3:00	repeated	insufflated	Ketamine	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

125 lb

First Dose: 250mg (plugged) + 20mg insufflated
3 hours later... who knows? (insufflated at least 100mg)

I've done Ketamine a lot although I had never K-holed... and this is the day I K-holed.

My boyfriend and I started out by plugging 250mg each. This was a new method for us, and we were surprised by how fast it hit. After administering, we were in a room with his brother, who had insufflated and was painting so we had to keep the light on.

After about 30 minutes I felt like I was on the brink of having a really impactful experience although I had trouble paying attention to it because there was so much going on in the room. I had a pair of yoga pants tied tightly around my head, trying to see into the void. At one moment I saw a man with a wicker-basket face come out of the darkness. And he pulled off each wick until there was nothing but blackness. And then the blackness turned into a pristine, clear sky with a crescent moon in it. I was floating toe-first into the ground looking up at the moon. As my feet dug into the ground, I myself turned into a crescent shape and I saw my toes dip back up above the earth to form my gravestone. And then I heard someone talking in the room and it all faded away.

The rest of that trip was me groping around in frustrating blackness. I tried to go back in, but I couldn’t reach it in the same way. When everyone left the room 3 hours later and we were trying to go to sleep with the lights off, I said “Matthew*, I’m not satisfied with my experience from earlier. I think I want to have a real experience.” So we turned the lights back on. We thought about measuring it out on the scale but said “fuck it” because the point was not to limit ourselves, it was to see how far we could go. He was laying out lines for me and they were probably 20mg at least. I remember taking two, he remembers me taking like five or six. My goal was to insufflate until I fell over and then just “see where it takes me.” And oh boy did it take me places.

After I was done, *Matthew said “You’ve probably had enough to k-hole.” And I was like “pssssh, not if I don’t want to…” And I fell over. And he turned off the lights and laid down. I soon forgot he was even next to me.

The whole room expanded in every direction. The walls became light-white and the window creeped away from me. In reality it was probably 5 feet away. It got to be about 20 feet away. The ceiling rose to 2 or 3 stories high at least. Until it became a different room. I noticed it looked like my friend *Anthony’s house. *Anthony has experience with ketamine and has given me advice about it. And then I saw him sitting in the corner of the room. And he was just staring at me in the moonlight. And my ego was like “Hey, woah, I have to remember to tell *Anthony I saw him on my K-trip.” At the same time it comforted me and put me in the mindset of exploration.

Then in the corner of my left eye, I saw an icy-blue glowing orb of energy. Naturally I looked over and there was this BIG (8ft tall at least) glowing neon blue lady sitting by my pillow stroking my hair. She looked of african descent and her hair was this long, flowy golden-yellow color. And her eyes were white lights piercing down into my soul. And she looked like she cared deeply for me. I was hugely comforted by her presence. But then she got up, gave me a “shoosh” signal and turned to walk towards the corner of the room. There she opened a portal where some tall, hulking shadow people climbed out. They were as tall as her. She communicated with them by pointing to me. There were three of them, floating out in front of me, wearing black robes with tall, pointy hats (like our non-wizard white-trash death eaters who must not be named) and dancing around in this weird formation. Have you ever seen that game where they put the ball under the cups and move them around? Yeah, like that. Except with 3 shadow people. And as they glided around each other they kind of visually blurred/smeared their surroundings. If I hadn’t been sedated I would have had a panic attack watching this.

Then the shadow people flew towards me. And behind my vision. And it turned out they were underneath me because they raised me up. And all of a sudden the room disappeared and the scene changed and I was in a very large church with candles everywhere. And the shadow people had raised me up into my coffin, up near the ceiling at the back of the church. The coffin started tilting down as if it was on a track and was about to take off like a cart on a roller coaster. At that moment I felt the trip ask me (without words) “Ok, are you ready to fuckin’ do this?” And I said wordlessly: “Yes, I want to see where this goes.” So the coffin fell down the track, coasting at top speed through the red-lit pews of the church, taking several seconds during which I think I saw my life flash before my eyes, including scenes from my future life as an adult which I couldn’t possibly comprehend as my own life since I had no frame of reference to understand them. Basically I feel like a ketamine trip is kind of like a fractalized dream which is part of why it is so difficult for people to comprehend and remember. But this one for the most part presented itself in a very sequential fashion for which I am thankful. And I’ve always had an easy time remembering my dreams- I’m sure that helped.

After coasting through the pews of the church at (what I think was) my own funeral, my coffin vehicle hit the stage with a clatter. And the church around me disappeared. And I found myself in absolute pitch blackness where something appeared at the foot of my bed: A naked pregnant woman lying on a table in-profile, having convulsions and giving birth to a baby.

From the blue woman to the shadow people to the church to this moment, I had been watching everything as an impartial observer. I may have forgotten I was a person. But perceiving this woman giving birth woke up my ego. My ego was like “Wait, what’s happening? Is that me being born in this life, or in another life? What does this have to do with me, me, ME?”

And the second I started questioning it, it all went away.

I could see the room again, but it wasn’t quite back to normal. It still looked like a different room. The proportions slowly slid back to usual. As a little souvenir of my insane journey, though: I did turn over to see if my boyfriend was awake and I was surprised to find that he looked HUGE like the Buddha. Funny because in real life he’s a super skinny dude.

What I learned:
I think Dr. K was trying to tell me that there is a cycle of death and rebirth. And rebirth is guaranteed. But you only have one chance to live this life as the person you are now. So do it to the best of your ability and put your ALL into it. I am someone who is constantly wrecked with social anxieties that cause me not to move forward. But a great friend of mine told me after I recounted this experience to him that those social anxieties are little deaths themselves- anything that causes you to deny yourself of an important experience is a little death. After this journey, I feel prepared to re-enter life with a different attitude. I know exactly what I need to do.

End Note: I think a part of what makes a k hole hard to remember is the fact that the scenes change so fast. I definitely felt myself getting attached to certain surroundings and when they would change I had to remind myself to “go with it” because I knew it was trying to show me something. I think if you keep an open mind the whole time, allowing the scenes to change naturally you will remember. Each time it changes, let go of the last one and it will stay with you.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 110983
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Oct 6, 2017	Views: 1,315
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