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It Didn't Help Me at All
MDMA
by MujoLila
Citation:   MujoLila. "It Didn't Help Me at All: An Experience with MDMA (exp111230)". Erowid.org. Nov 14, 2017. erowid.org/exp/111230

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
100 mg oral MDMA  
  T+ 3:30 80 mg oral MDMA  
  T+ 0:00   smoked Cannabis (daily)

BODY WEIGHT: 150 lb


Got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, found my way to an underground MDMA therapist. We worked with several different psychoactives, and none of them helped with my symptoms. Of them, we used MDMA the most, and it was far and away the least effective.

Like most borderline folks, I swing back and forth between intense rage and overwhelming hopelessness, and all my interpersonal relationships are a hot mess. MDMA intensified these mood swings, especially the hopelessness end of the spectrum. Invariably, five days after my dose, I would crash hard and experience my symptoms at their absolute worst. I also found myself prone to lying during therapy sessions with it, and more reluctant to approach my issues head on.

There were a number of complicating factors.
There were a number of complicating factors.
I was a heavy pot smoker at the time. I have since realized that cannabis exacerbates my symptoms and have given it up. And I miss it.

My life was a total mess. Drugs can't help much if I keep sobering up in a bath of my unresolved problems.

My 'therapist' was untrained and unqualified, and broke many of the cardinal rules of trip sitting. He was charismatic, however, and the drugs caused me to imprint on him, making me reluctant to challenge his questionable authority.

He frequently allowed, even encouraged me to redose the MDMA, and I'd take another 80 my on top of the first hundred about 3 or 4 hours into the trip.

At this point, just the thought of taking MDMA again makes me queasy.

But I continued to trip. Turns out taking about 250 ug or more of LSD can wipe my symptoms out for up to two weeks. It's ineffective at lower doses, but borderline (zing) miraculous at moderate doses. I hope to try higher doses in the future to see what can happen.

Anyway, I write this because MDMA is the pill of the hour, and I'm concerned more and more people will try self medicating with it, or might get roped into some dude's ego like I did. It seems that, when combined with intelligent therapy, MDMA creates amazing results re: PTSD. But PTSD is not interchangeable with other mood disorders.

Be strong in your struggle, friends. There are no easy answers.

Exp Year: 2015ExpID: 111230
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 29 
Published: Nov 14, 2017Views: 1,545
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Post Trip Problems (8), Hangover / Days After (46), Guides / Sitters (39), Difficult Experiences (5), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
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