Way Too Many Feels...
Citation:   Staaash. "Way Too Many Feels...: An Experience with LSD (exp111251)". Erowid.org. Oct 3, 2019. erowid.org/exp/111251

T+ 0:00
1 hit oral LSD (blotter / tab)
  T+ 1:00 0.5 hits oral LSD (blotter / tab)
My experience with substances is minimal. I’ve done weed a few times and Molly once. Marijuana doesn’t really do anything for me and “dancing” with Molly was a great experience! Other than my little involvement in these activities, I didn’t know what to expect from my first trip on LSD.
I didn’t know what to expect from my first trip on LSD.
Close friends have shared basic tips beforehand like getting in a good mood and staying in it which I thought was a piece of cake since I’m a pretty eccentric, “happy-go-lucky” person. Little did I realize; my deep thoughts would get the best of me and overcrowd my brain during my acid adventure. Overall, my experience was fucken amazing in both good and bad ways that I wanted to share it with anyone willing to spend a few minutes reading about it. I also created a playlist of songs that pertained to each hour I was on my trip. Some of them were actually played during those times, and the rest related to my feelings during that hour.

---The High---

12 AM: [“Legend Of A Mind” by The Moody Blues]
I felt confident that the trip was going to be fantastic! I took the blotted paper square of LSD and placed it on top of my tongue as recommended. It had no significant taste but felt like I had a piece of Styrofoam stuck in my mouth. My best friend and cousin joined me in unison as they took their squares and placed them on or under their tongues. I’m not entirely sure the dosage amount we took other than the fact that the person we bought it from said it was stronger than the previous ones he sold to us. It was my first time, so my boyfriend decided to spectate me for safety reasons, and another cousin joined to observe. To put in perspective, there were five people including me in the room. My boyfriend, two cousins, my best friend and a close family friend that hooked us up. I thought it’d be a good idea to jot down how we each felt every hour, on top of the hour. (Which supports this story on each hour’s entry) While earnestly waiting for the effects to kick in, I read recipes, did Sudoku and cleaned everyone’s phone screens with an electronic wipe. I stopped because my cousin suggested I don’t focus on anything, but just to relax and let the effects kick in. The rest of the hour I was listening to the music that was played and impatiently waited for visuals…

1 AM: [“The City Don’t Care” by Leon Else]
I was feeling optimistic about the visuals but hadn’t seen anything yet. I was feeling good and happy which I thought how this feeling was any different from how I usually feel without LSD in my system? I started questioning myself if the substance was working or not. Time must have been going by fast because I felt like we just took the square which still felt like Styrofoam but a bit softer. I put my suggestions into music to try and support my visuals.

2 AM: [“Get Free” by Major Lazor]
Finally, I was getting somewhere… My body felt loose and relaxed like I was as light as a cloud. To my disappointment, I still had no visuals. My vision was just blurry like someone took a photo of me and the flash stained my eyesight. At this point, the friend that hooked us up had to leave and left behind an extra dosage for free. Willingly, I decided to half it with my cousin on the same dosage to intensify our chances of visuals. I thought this would be beneficial for me since my experience with weed had little to none effects. I had no hesitation in swallowing the first paper on my tongue and replacing it with the new square which now was a triangle since split with my cousin. To my knowledge, this was the best option for me.

3 AM: [“Bloom” by ODESZA]
I was feeling Euphoric! My surroundings were vibrating and “breathing” thanks to the music we listened to on YouTube that helped hype our moods. The images danced outside the screen of my TV. It was so beautiful that I started tearing up and at the time, I didn’t know why. At that moment, I thought it was too good to be true. My emotions were so hyped up that I kept apologizing to everyone that they all couldn’t share the same happiness as me. They started asking questions about how I felt and why I felt them? In my mind, it was impossible to share my joy through words that I wanted to show them instead of telling them. Interesting enough, I sat next to my cousin who took the second dose with me, and I felt as if we shared the same visions and feelings.
I felt as if we shared the same visions and feelings.
Apparently, that’s possible with psychedelics? My mind thought that because we sat next to each other and took the same dosage amount, we shared the same feelings and visions. Importantly, my visuals were magical! The ceiling looked like a kaleidoscope of flowers that grew around the room. A centipede crawling on the ceiling seemed like it was moving faster than the speed of light. The colors on the screen were so vivid; It was like seeing color for the first time. Lastly, I saw the image of my brother’s face in my other cousin sitting across from me. In reality, I don’t see my brother often, so this brought tears of joy to my eyes that these visions were even better then I expected. I don’t remember what initially triggered me to see him on my trip, but all I remember was feeling happy and sad all at once. Why? Because although it was nice seeing my brother so close by, I knew it wasn’t real… I remember needed to hide behind a throw pillow because I cried without warning and I was ashamed to show it. Couldn’t this have been a hint to them that something was wrong?

4 AM: [“Crave You” by Flight Facilities - Adventure Club Remix]
Fuuuuuck yeah is all I can remember at this moment. The feelings of happiness were so strongly felt, at this point I was crying. It was so strong that my hands were only able to write the words “Soooooo GREEEEE $$$$$$”( Exactly the way it was written. Lol.) for 4 o’clock check-in. This happiness was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I kept asking myself if happiness like this is possible for people? More questions from my company started coming like how I felt or why I felt the way I was feeling. And what I was seeing and why I saw it? I told them how I thought it was sad that people had to pay for drugs to feel happy when it should be felt without it. Again, I was apologizing for them not all experiencing the exact high I was on. I was asked to close my eyes and share what I saw to help describe my visions a little better. My visions were way evolved than the last hour. I saw neon lights moving to the music that was playing in the background. The YouTube search engine was bouncing around the screen while we searched for new songs to play. Strangely, more tears burst from my eyes. I couldn’t comprehend it at that moment, but now that I think about it, it was obvious. I was still seeing my brother across the room, and I didn’t want it to stop.

I tried so hard to share this information with everyone, but my subconscious mind shut my mouth. I thought hard not to ruin the experience of joy with the sad reminder that the visions of my brother were not real. I suggested we play a PS4 video game called “Hue” that deals with mind puzzles that correspond to colors. To them, it may have seemed I suggested it see how I would play on an LSD high. But honestly, I suggested we play so that I would not have to see or think about my brother. I learned that my mind on puzzle games is spaghetti, which a simple stage on switching blocks was too challenging. At this point, I felt that there was too much going on in one room. I was still getting so many questions about how I felt and what I was experiencing to make me cry. Honestly, it was visions of my brother, but I couldn’t express it. I begged not to play anything or listen to any music for a minute just to give my mind a break. Anything we spoke about or heard to triggered my thoughts… They were understanding of my wishes, but I felt horrible on the inside. My mind shut my mouth again. I honestly felt happy to just be in this experience with them, and that was awesome. But my mind wouldn’t let me stop seeing my brother, and that made me miserable. Also, I was stuck on the color blue.

5 AM: [“Running” – No Doubt]
RUN! I WANTED TO RUN AND RUN FAST. ANYTHING TO GET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM. I signed up for a 5k Run event, and It was starting in the next hour. I stood up from the couch I’ve been in for the past hours on my high and put on my running shoes getting ready to leave. Keep in mind, I was wearing pajama’s and no socks and had no interest in changing. I was just so eager to get out. Unfortunately, my boyfriend had too many shots that he was too drunk to drive. I was disappointed feeling more stuck with my full thoughts. I stood at the spot closest to the exit hoping this would change his mind. I couldn’t comprehend that this emotion I was feeling was the trigger of my down trip. I stood at this spot with a clear view of my brother again and cried trying to give a hint I needed to leave. I couldn’t even look directly in my bathroom mirror because all I saw were visions of my brothers face on mine.

The hallucinations I felt brought me to ask if everyone could stand where I was standing to see what I was feeling. My mind thought that maybe this would work instead of trying to express what it was I was feeling. Usually, I’m not the kind of person to express my feelings, so I thought this was the best way to show it. But imagine taking a drug that enhances all of that and having your subconscious mind shut you down because it knows you aren’t that kind of person. It’s a painful feeling. If I remember correctly, I think I raised my voice at my cousin because he told me that people have different perspectives and it was an impossible request to ask everyone to see the same visions I was. Of course, I knew this was impossible, but my mind couldn’t comprehend it at the time. I felt as if everyone was interrogating me with questions that I tried to answer but they weren’t getting the answers they wanted… Couldn’t they just understand I was happy and just try to see it my way? My cousin may have thought I was angry at him, but I was so frustrated with myself for not being an open person. My mind was so fucked up for locking my feelings out to my closest friends and family. I needed to breathe, so I asked if we could go outside for a moment.

6 AM: [“Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” by The Beatles]
The visuals were even more magnificent outside! The sun was just coming up, and the light reflecting my car windows produced a rainbow effect around my garage. The humidity in my region of the world is high, so bugs surrounded the lights and made them look like colorful sparkles surrounding us. It was nothing like I’ve ever experienced in real life. I wanted to RUN since at this point; I was missing my 5k run event. My house is located at the bottom of a steep hill, so I started from the bottom and ran fast up the paved climb. It didn’t take me more than 5 seconds to reach the top, and I was laughing so hard. The feeling of getting fresh air and away from all those interrogating questions lifted a tremendous amount of weight off my shoulders. The pressure of needed to be bright and expressive was gone, and that made me happy again. I headed back down to my cousin and best friend waiting for me at the bottom. We all enjoyed the sky while outside. The colors were so vivid that it looked too good to be true. And it was precisely that. We headed back inside since we all started to sweat, but this was probably the highlight for me. Being surrounded by the ones that took LSD with me made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Even though they couldn’t understand exactly what I was feeling, they were on their trips too.

7 AM: [“Shelter” by Porter Robinson and Madeon]
8 AM: [“Aoi Shiori” by Galileo Galilei]
9 AM: [“Raining Day” by Trinix]
Time went by fast at this point because every time I checked the clock, a new hour had past. It was interesting how I would always catch the clock 10 minutes before the top of the hour. It was at this point I realized that I haven’t drunk water, ate food, or needed the restroom during the entire night! For some reason, I didn’t have the urge to do so. I was told that I might experience “cotton mouth” or the feeling of a dried-up mouth that I would need to drink to replenish myself. However, I didn’t feel that way. They got hungry and chowed the snacks on my counter. I honestly wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t join them, but I forced myself to use the restroom and drink water so that I wouldn’t get dehydrated. While we stood at the counter, we each shared our trips in our perspectives. My best friend saw ants and cockroaches surrounding the room and crawling out of ceiling lights. Strangely, she also experienced a dark shadow standing behind her at times she would go to the restroom. I had to follow her every single time, and face my back to the mirror so I wouldn’t see visions of my brother. My cousin felt good and chill most of the time but interestingly mentioned that at one point, he wanted to cry with me but stopped himself. He didn’t want to explain to me why, but I’m assuming it’s because he knew why I was crying the hours before this moment and wanted to keep the positive mood up instead of bringing me down. Is that possible? To feel precisely what someone else is feeling during their high if you’re on it too? My mind thought so, but of course, that’s impossible. While talking about our experiences, we watched Youtube documentaries on psychedelics in the U.K for the next few hours. In the middle of all this, my visuals had stopped. I was sad but knew that the effects needed to wear off. Also, I felt natural in my body and aware that my experience of visuals were only that, visuals.

---The Low---

10 AM: [“Oceans Away” by A R I Z O N A]
11 AM: [“Feels” by Kiiara]
12 PM:[“Light: by San Holo]
My best friend and cousin decided that it was time to leave. They needed to shower and take care of things for the day before they would return later. This left me alone with my thoughts, and that was the worst. I couldn’t bring myself to watch anything or listen to music because I felt so vulnerable to any negative information.
I felt so vulnerable to any negative information.
I was told that people experienced not being able to look at their phone due to the bright light, but for me, it was needing to be disconnected from social media. I consistently went back and forth inside and outside my house wanting space away from my thoughts. I tried waking up my boyfriend to stay up with me but he was still too tired, and that made me feel bad. I had to stop myself because I started thinking negative thoughts about him that were unnecessary. I stared at the ceiling for those long hours crying trying to force myself to sleep. I played with my dog hoping that maybe this would lift my mood, but it wasn’t working as I hoped it would. I took her for walks outside just to clear my head, and it still didn’t work. I remember hearing the church bells and sitting down enjoying the softness in the wind. I felt the urge to message my friend who is currently studying for her masters in counseling, and this brought back my emotions. I couldn’t bring myself to express if I was so happy with my experience of seeing my brother or extremely upset that it wasn’t real.

1 PM: [“Best To You” by Blood Orange]
2 PM: [“Story” by Park Shin Hye]
3 PM: [“We Gotta Get Out Of This Place” by Denmark + Winter]
4 PM: [“The Mother We Share” by Chvrches]
5 PM: [“Swingin Party” by Lorde]
6 PM: [“Vibin’ Out with (((O)))” by FKJ
7 PM: [“Clair De Lune” by Flight Facilities]
When the afternoon hit, everyone returned. I was happy because I thought I could generate my mood of happiness from them instead of trying to gain it myself while being in my weird funk. It was so interesting that although I’m a happy person, I couldn’t generate the feelings myself. I knew that this was my down trip playing out and it was terrible! My boyfriend was awake at this point and cooked something easy since he had a hangover. I honestly was not feeling it, so I ate what I could and threw the rest away. I don’t know if it was the effects of the LSD that lost my appetite or that I was experiencing the worst and only down trip ever that made me not hungry.

The most surprising thought I had in my down trip related to me not being hungry and not going on to my 5k run event. My brain thought that because I didn’t go to the 5k run event, I didn’t deserve to eat… Honestly, It wasn’t that at all; I really wasn’t hungry. But my mind was making me think that, which is horrible. How could my mind generate those evil feelings? I laid on my couch as we watched episodes of Attack on Titan and this was difficult to experience. Everything negative on the show turned to me evaluating my trip experience the night before. The show would have the characters trying to do something the protagonist could only do collectively, and this made me think of the interrogating questions I was asked during my high. It brought me back to thoughts of how I’m not an open person, and that made me sad. I just thought it was so fucked up that my mind could go this deep into thought. At the time, I didn’t know it was only my down trip playing out. We watched episodes of Chopped and Annabelle Creation which played out more scenes of non-openness amongst the characters that triggered my trip experience.

I also experienced weird episodes of me predicting the future or thinking we’re re-watching a scene which I thought was interesting. After everyone left around 7pm, my boyfriend forced me to eat which I did. At that moment, I couldn’t hold in my feelings any longer. I cried and vented about the entire experience being fantastic but not worth the down trip I was stuck in. I didn’t know if it was the double dosage I took or the fact that I was triggered by the longing for my brother to return home that made me go nuts in my mind. The only thing that made my experience great was the company that brought me back to happiness and the visuals I’ve never seen in my life. The end of the night, I needed to watch episodes of Dexter’s Laboratory to fall asleep. I stayed up for 28 hours total and slept for 12 hours straight. The next day, I stood at the spot closest to the exit and cried. I was back in the spot where I was told that people couldn’t experience my feelings because my mind took it as me not being expressive. I looked around the room and realized my visuals were just visuals, and that I couldn’t see my brother. It upset me to the core. A friend told me that I’d be feeling the down for the next few days, and I thought It would at least be manageable. I didn’t realize how much the down could affect my day after.

Overall, my experience with LSD was a beautiful mystery. I learned a lot about myself as a person. I’m just glad I got to share it with my close friends and family and feed of their energy when it got difficult to be inside my thoughts. The lesson here is to not overthink into your thoughts. It’s easy to get pulled into it, but the key is to focus on getting yourself out.

I feel like I shouldn’t even be writing about my experience and trying to understand my highs and lows, but I thought that this would help the next person looking for a high but also having self-doubts.

Exp Year: 2017ExpID: 111251
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Oct 3, 2019Views: 834
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LSD (2) : Hangover / Days After (46), Music Discussion (22), Families (41), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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