Citation: WitfulSky. "Thought Loops and Panic Attack: An Experience with DMT & High-CBD Cannabis (exp111303)". Erowid.org. Dec 30, 2017. erowid.org/exp/111303
||Cannabis - High CBD
I made such a big mistake: I underestimated the potency of this incredible drug and got punished really hard. Before the bad trip I tried DMT for 2 days in a row every night (around 10pm) to better understand what it is and what it can do. I had a breakthrough the first time I tried it, although I know it’s not common, another one the day after at morning, plus 5 or 6 microdoses the same night: this time I wanted to do some “research” and not looking for a trip.
Then comes the 3rd day: I definitely call that an addiction, even if it lasted only 3 days. That night I was feeling a little depressed… I wasted the whole day and was not happy of it. I know set and setting is crucial, but after two nice breakthroughs I thought I was able to handle it easily. Let’s say I treated DMT as weed or alcohol: a way to escape from reality and chill. I learned that DMT it’s the exact opposite: it takes my problems and my fears and slams them in my face in the hardest way possible. I have to say before the trip I vaporized about 0.3g of “light” weed (no THC, 5% CBD) because the day before it led me to a very peaceful and awesome trip in combination with DMT.
The room was lit by a dim light, and I decided to turn off music because I wanted a full breakthrough with a complete detachment from reality (that was the second mistake: relaxing music could definitely have a big positive impact on the experience and act like an anchor if something goes bad). So here comes the scariest experience of my life so far:
T – 2m: I loaded what I thought to be 40mg of freebase DMT on “the machine”. Now I’m sure there was some residue of DMT from the previous time.
T + 0m: Using “The machine” I had “only” one big toke: the biggest one ever for me. As usual it wasn’t harsh at all… almost tasteless and easy to keep in my lungs for 15 seconds or more… I don’t even remember I exhaled that toke!
T + 20s: common symptoms like buzzing, visual distortions.
T + 25s: Here comes the thought that finally caused the bad trip: as my PC monitor was on before me, I made a link between DMT and computer virus and malfunctioning, thinking: “DMT is like a malware… it fucks up your brain causing bugs and glitches all over your nervous system. So there is no ego, no memory, no consciousness; your brain is stunned and when after a while it reboots and reconnects body and memory”.
T + 25s: I close my eyes and when the reality was slipping over, I imagined myself as a broken android with fried cup, buzzing and making weird electronic noises.
T + 30s: So it began… that trip can be described with 3 elements: The Visuals, The Sound Loop, The Thought Loop.
The Visuals: the only nice part of the trip, but the other 2 elements turned them to a freaking nightmare. I was in a Minecraft-like world made of small cubes (3cm each approx.) with rounded edges and bright-colored with a dominance of yellow and orange. Only few pictures are still in my mind (it’s hard to remember those trips… they’re like dreams). I was flying in this rotating tunnel made of cubes, then beside a giant pyramid (more like a Ziqqurat) made of cubes itself, and after that I was propelled vertically while other cubes came from every side to form another tunnel… They followed the rhythm of the Sound and Thought Loop.
The Sound Loop: it was like the following loop of notes played on a cheap electric keyboard. [E4 – F4 – G4 – F4] and repeating over and over… One loop every second, just to give an idea of the speed. It was synchronized with the Thought Loop: every time one loop began, the other one followed by.
The Thought Loop: this was the scariest thing. There was no short-term memory, so this loop kept going indefinitely in a positive feedback, growing more and more as fear and despair was growing too, until the trip ended (but the thoughts was still stuck in my mind for the 40 minutes after. The loop was something like this:
- I’m losing my mind,
- it’s only a trip,
- in a trip everything can happen, so I couldn’t trust my brain,
- but if I can’t trust my brain, then I’m really going crazy…
And so on. Moreover, I was thinking things like: “I’ll be forever like this, a broken android stuck in this loop that I can’t stop…”. I wasn’t really sure if it was a trip… there was no ego, no memory and no consciousness.
T + 12m: I suddenly came back in my body. I was scared as hell, and even more when looking around me I saw my hand and the objects surrounding made of fluttering colored cubes. I remember I thought: “I just had a bad trip”, but this didn’t help me to calm down.
T + 13m: The strongest visuals came down, although some heavy distortions kept going for another minute. I had tachycardia and was shaking uncontrollably, feeling really cold. The thought loop was still stuck in my mind: “I’m going crazy – no, you just had a bad trip and the DMT is still in your body – but I can’t trust my brain, I don’t know if I’m shaking for real or it’s my brain that wants me to believe it – you’re not crazy, just wait and you’ll be fine – only crazy people keep saying they’re not crazy…” and so on.
T + 14m: All visuals gone, but the panic attack was still going on… (I think I’ve never had a panic attack before). It lasted about 30 minutes more… I had to warm up the room because I was feeling really cold.
I just HAD to clean up everything that reminded me of the drug: the bag, the vaporizer, the grinder, the Machine… I told myself a few times that I could have done that the next morning when I was feeling better, but I couldn’t help myself from doing it.
T + 20m: I drank half a beer, it helped me to calm down a bit.
T + 40m: I felt a little better, even if I was having tachycardia as well. I made a search for bad trip reports on DMT, just to gather common elements and learn more from that experience.
T + 90m: I went to sleep, exhausted, till the next morning.
months. Thankfully I have a strong and stable mind and recovered quickly. Anyway I’m grateful for that experience. The DMT itself ended my addiction, and now as I’m writing (T+3days) I’m more focused on my duties in real life, and at least for now I procrastinate less. I think bad trips are really useful, but they’re such a big trauma.
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