DOSE:	1 capsl	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
	1 tablet	oral	Diphenhydramine

BODY WEIGHT:

110 lb

I’m currently in a fairly new relationship with my partner, let’s just call him D** whom I met soon after moving to NYC. We’ve been together for about a month and a half, close to two months. He recently brought up about trying molly, to which I was a bit hesitant about because I haven’t done much research on it and would have needed to look more into it before trying it. I wasn’t too afraid because I have done coke, xanax, ketamine, etc. in the past but have not tried something with a different effect. However, I trusted him enough that he wouldn’t let me try something he’d know I’d have a bad time doing (he’s done it in the past) so we did some more research together to relieve my anxieties about trying something new.

We were in his room and he suggested I take a smaller amount than what was in the capsule to see if I like it then to take more if so. He broke open the capsule and wrapped it in a RAW rolling paper and twisted it into a little knot and we both took our doses. We went to the living room and watched Portlandia, waiting for something to kick in.

45 mins passed and all I felt was tired and like my blood had been filled with lead. I was slightly disappointed and we both agreed to just dip the rest of the molly. It tasted bitter and almost worse than coke, trying to bring up more spit to swallow down the grainy brown crystals, puckering my lips every time I licked it off my pinky finger.

We grabbed some pellegrinos and headed back to D’s bed and just laid down and talked a bit. A few minutes later, he gets a text message from his business partner to go on a travel job to Hawaii. I got extremely upset at this because he’s been getting a lot of travel jobs lately (he doesn’t usually) and it was almost like I never saw him anymore (as of lately) because he’s been travelling for the past 2 weeks or so. I turned to my side and sighed and felt like everything darkened and felt extremely distant to him, I didn’t even care about being on molly at this point. D kept apologizing and told me he’d turn it down but I told him he shouldn’t because a job is a job. I really needed him for support this month however because my ex-friend (that I shared a room with) decided to move home in the middle of our lease and I can’t afford the full rent. I had already paid for this month and am now scrambling to find an affordable place. Being so young and recently dropping out of college, this is an extreme amount of stress and responsibility to handle for myself so it was pretty vital for him to be here for me. Coming back to me being on my side facing away from him I almost felt like I wanted to leave him. It wasn’t worth being with someone if you can barely see someone you’re in a relationship right? I felt horrible for letting that thought get into my head in the first place.

Eventually the thought manifested and I ended up disassociating and felt lost in my own mind. I could hear him making worried noises but I couldn’t bring myself to even move my body to face toward him. I felt like this was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I finally gathered enough energy to hold his face and tell him it’s okay but he said “you’re my priority and I’ve made enough money last month to last me for a while, I’m here to support you because that’s what I’m here for”. He held my face and suddenly I found my eyes welling with tears making my vision a little blurry. But I didn’t even notice the tears coming out of my face, and I finally noticed I was feeling different. (This sounds so cheesy and cliche) We then gazed into each others' intensely dilated eyes and just realizing I had found such an amazing person.

Both of us have had a bad past with previous relationships but just looking at him and his face I felt so loved. It was such a warm feeling inside, it felt so pure and delicate like a small animal. D told me that I was one of the most important things in his life and that I brought so much meaning into it and hearing that come from someone was such an intense feeling for me to even process. The tears just kept streaming down my face pooling into his hand that laid on my cheek. It felt warm, wet and slightly gross but I just had felt so amazing I didn’t have a care in the world. His eyes had so much benevolence, warmth and truth in them I couldn’t look away. I soon realized I had been smiling so hard and my face felt a little stiff.

I looked around the room, which further enhanced the warm feeling inside me because he had those colored LED light strips along the walls which were a vibrant pink.

At this point I lost track of time and felt that my eyelids were extremely heavy and could barely keep my eyes open. I looked at D one more time and ran my fingers through his hair to realize that it was wet and saw that his face had a subtle glint of shine on his forehead and cheeks. We then realized that we were both profusely sweating. I felt an intense sense of euphoria, like all of my mental illnesses have melted away and had gone forever. I felt like I had hope in my life and acknowledged that life is a challenge in this beautiful but difficult city but I wanted to take on the challenge with D on my side. We kept telling each other how much we loved each other for hours on end. Whenever I looked at him I felt a connection deeper beyond words can explain and it felt so amazing.

This feeling of security and confidence I gained through communication with the help of this made my relationship with D so strong I feel as if nothing could break us apart. It also made me realize how important communication is. I know everyone stresses communication in relationships but it’s extremely vital.

We later then had a deep conversation about life and why it worked the way it does. I never found myself to be a believer in god or any sort of higher power but under the influence it truly made me believe that life is truly an intriguing thing to be a part of. I recall hearing D’s voice while speaking to me, so soft spoken but the words that came out of his mouth were so eloquent and made so much sense. I absorbed everything he said and remember doing the same. I was describing things in such a way that I would have never if I were sober. Everything felt so ethereal, I felt so a part of everything but also detached as if I were some sort of third person being.

I felt D’s hand on my thigh, it was so warm and kind of clammy but the heat was such a nice feeling I never wanted him to stop touching me.

I went to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror and realized how ginormous my pupils were and just laughed, I thought I looked pretty beautiful and funny at the same time.

Countless hours have passed by at this point and I had begun to start feeling normal and we decided it was time to call it a night. I ended up taking a benadryl to sleep because I found it impossible to put my mind at rest with all of the conversation that ensued earlier that night. I turned to face D to see he’d fallen asleep and just looked at his sleeping face and thought how precious of a human being he was.

Overall, at first I was kind of nervous to try molly because I had never really considered trying it but to me it was nothing to be afraid of. I found this experience to be absolutely amazing and am extremely glad to have been able to do it with someone I trust and love. It truly strengthened and made me realize the deep connection that two human beings can have and I am grateful to be lucky enough to experience such a thing in life. I have the utmost respect for this drug.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 111352
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Dec 21, 2017	Views: 1,146
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MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)