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Becoming the Loop
by Billu Sang
Citation:   Billu Sang. "Becoming the Loop: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (exp111417)". Mar 9, 2018.

  smoked Cannabis
    repeated   4-AcO-DMT


[Erowid Note: The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]

The night began with a big nug of kush, a small pipe, and about 10mg of 4-AcO-DMT. I started tripping about 10 mins in but it was more of a slight giddy rush than anything else. We were in a band of trees outside of my student accommodation, just outside the jurisdiction of the campus security officers - although they would never look for us anyway.

I remember seeing slight visuals about 15 mins in, the trees seemed to have glimmers of life. We walked back and discussed taking some more. We were in a group of 5, but only myself and the owner of the 4-AcO-DMT partook. We had another line of 10mg. There were two other girls on Ketamine and another mate who was just smoking weed.

We started listening to music, but since time was slowing for us we each took another line of about 10mg, not realising we were practically only 20 minutes into our trip. At this point I started to get more prominent visuals and a bit of euphoria. I had to stifle my manic laughter to maintain a calm facade in front of all these people, and I began to see multiple grid overlays on the walls. It was almost like a video-game. The walls started to split at the seams into multiple strands of colour (like the old 3D red and blue films, but with many more colours from across the spectrum), but I still felt grounded, so we took another line. At this point I was waved, but without much time passing in my heightened state, we decided to take a final line of over 20mg. It was at this point I said my goodbyes and headed up to my room with my stoner friend.

On the way up I began to worry. I had only ever had DMT once before, and that was a micro-dose which only produced a flashing light effect. What would 50mg of some psychedelic I'd never heard of do to me? To soothe my mind, my mate took a photograph of my pupils to show me that I was overreacting. Since I have dark brown eyes he thought I was fine, but upon closer inspection with the flash on, it was clear that my eyes were as wide as saucers. Apprehensive, I entered my room and quickly got changed into my pajamas, knowing I didn't have long before I lost all control of my body.

The next few moments were manic and euphoric, as I touched my genitals and squirmed around in the comfort of my bed. It felt good but I realised that I was becoming an animal without rationality, only impulses and reactions.
It felt good but I realised that I was becoming an animal without rationality, only impulses and reactions.
I was losing all sense of who it was to be me, and this worried me deeply. I turned off the lights to try to get some sleep, but I had to get up almost instantly at how horrible the darkness was.

I went to the kitchen, barely aware of myself, and drank water straight from the tap. It was a dirty tap in a communal kitchen, but I latched my lips onto it and turned the water on, gulping water until I had to breathe. Knowing I'd need to lie down in a minute, I rushed to the toilet, barely getting there in time before I pissed into the bowl while standing up. I hit the seat a little and then left without flushing. Staring at myself in the mirror, of the bathroom, I saw how deep, but empty my eyes were, like a shallow pool of darkness. They were bloodshot as well, presumably from the weed that was quickly wearing off. I went back into my room and lay in bed for warmth - it was cold outside and I had left the window open. My blinds flapped and rattled in the wind as I closed my eyes and I slowly began to sink into my bed. I turned over to relieve the claustrophobia, but the blinds seemed to curl around my vision and surrounded me. I began to ache everywhere I lay on, and soon my entire back was sore. I tossed and turned and the movement began to blend together restlessly.

At this point I was simply reacting to stimulus, but on an incomprehensible level I knew I was tripping. I had flashbacks to popular representations of psychedelic trips, like Big Lez from the Big Lez Show, whose entire world is ripped away from him when he touches a magic bong. Or the orange juice man, who fears being tipped over in his state of permanent psychosis.

The tossing and turning grew worse, and I started to become the movement itself, endlessly looping back in on myself, becoming a formless writhing mass of darkness and fear. At the back of my mind I knew I was tripping, but this was no comfort as at that moment in time, all I knew was my existence as the void. What would happen when this ended? Would it end? What is the end? I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to continue existing in this formless state of torment. It was an unsolvable paradox. I began to fight harder and harder against this unknown force, but I didn't know how to fight it because it was a part of me. I had peaked.

The comedown was incredibly unpleasant, and far too slow. I kept searching for pieces of myself, but they only came back to me agonisingly slowly. I had no idea what kind of personality was being returned to me. Would I be incomplete when this is over? Would I keep a part of the void inside of me forever as a constant reminder of death? I slowly came back, but I was different, and confused. Do our experiences define our personality, or do we shape ourselves? Picture a rotting boat whose parts are constantly being replaced; when does the boat cease to be original and become something else? I missed my morning lecture but I'm slowly returning to normalcy, I'm still unsure as to whether or not I'm glad to have done it.

After this was written, a few days passed and I was back to normal.

Exp Year: 2017ExpID: 111417
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 20 
Published: Mar 9, 2018Views: 947
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Difficult Experiences (5)

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