Citation: Cedar. "Thoughts 9 Years Later: An Experience with DMT (exp111433)". Erowid.org. Apr 21, 2021. erowid.org/exp/111433
||(powder / crystals)
DMT Death, Thoughts 9 Years Later
The first time I fully blasted off was about 9 years ago... My bros were passing a pipe full of fluffy yellow crystals, taking it slow, little tiny puffs. We'd all experimented with it like this for a few days, being cautious. None of us had yet gone all the way. Tonight though, spontaneously, when the pipe was handed to me, I decided to be the one to go for it, to 'blast off'.
People say you need 3 hits... If there's enough DMT in the pipe, you only need one. I was still inhaling deeply when it hit me. I knew right away that I had 'done it', and that I was about to go farther than I'd ever gone before... Kind of frantically I reached out to hand the pipe to my buddy as the 'carrier wave' amped up. The chair slipped out from under me. I thought it broke... Then my buddy started yelling at me!! About breaking his chair I think?? It really set the trip off with an uncomfortable tone, just a great context for a first blast-off. Dude was still yelling at me when I 'died'.
I was flying toward this morphing green fractal barrier. I blasted through that, and knew I was never coming back to 'life'. My life briefly flashed before my eyes, strangely enough as visions of photographs that actually exist, all arranged in chronological order. First there was a picture of me as a baby with my parents. Then toddler pics, a photo of me just after first communion, pictures with my family, a skiing trip. Then the last picture, one I had taken of myself a few days before in front of the tent I was living in. I was homeless at the time and I looked stoned and spaced out. Through this 'slideshow' I was able to perceive the whole trajectory of my life, my light and potential as a kid, and the way I'd squandered it all and then accidentally killed myself with some horrible drug. The entire photo sequence only lasted about 1.5 seconds.
Then the photos fell away, and I was in Hell. Actual Hell. There's no other word for it, and I knew that's what it was at the time. I'll try to describe it: My 'body' was flying through space at thousands of miles per hour, every segment flailing and spinning impossibly. My head was spinning 360 degrees on my head like a dremel bit, my eyeballs spinning impossibly in their sockets, fingers, feet... Like being electrocuted in a world of cartoon physics... or like being in a cosmic blender. And it felt like forever. This state of mind was timeless. If you think of the moment 'Now' as the place where past and future 'touch', it was as if the past fell away and the moment stretched backward into eternity. The place I was in - I had already been there for eternity!
I was a billion light years away from the universe. I could see it like a distant unreachable galaxy, while my body was being scrambled mercilessly in the void and the sorrow of my wasted life echoed around me.
At some point I began to come out of it but I was sure I had destroyed my brain. I reached around frantically, feeling on the ground next to me for something sharp with which to slice open my wrists. It's the only time in my life that I truly intended to kill myself and tried sincerely. If my hands had found a piece of glass or a knife... Maybe I wouldn't be here to tell you this story.
After a few more minutes, I was back. I couldn't believe it. I kept saying, 'I exist?? I exist??' For the next four months I had major 'flashbacks' of strange psychosis that is hard to describe, like everything was dead around me, fake. I couldn't take other psychedelics, even San Pedro, without the DMT trip coming back, crazy memories surfacing, integrating.
I couldn't take other psychedelics, even San Pedro, without the DMT trip coming back, crazy memories surfacing, integrating.
I didn't smoke DMT for 6 years, and I thought I never would again.
Eventually I found myself in a mellow place with some loved ones around, and DMT was offered. I had done a lot of reflection over the last few years and decided to face my fear. I accepted the pipe. 'Are you sure?' said my friend. I said, 'Yes,' and at that moment I pissed myself. It's the only time in my life I've pissed myself from 'fear'. My body remembered. Regardless, I meditated a bit, and smoked it. It was still a very difficult journey, though less so than the first time.
Since then I've worked with DMT and Changa more, and gone much deeper. In the last 3 years I've worked with Changa, Iboga, Syrian Rue, Ayahuasca, Acacia Formosa and other entheogens.
Probably my favorite DMT trip was about a year ago after brewing 60g of cielo caapi vine with one big fat blue cubensis mushroom. Drank that. Once it all kicked in, I managed to take two solid hits from a bowl with a big rock of DMT on it while laying on the couch in my little RV. My (astral?) body flew up and hit the ceiling, the universe collapsed around me into a point which then blossomed into a blue mandala 'of me'. Then golden fire burnt it all away, and only that fire was left, and I 'saw my heart', which was this golden fire. To this day, channeling 'golden heart chakra fire' is one of my highest accessible frequencies. (Before that it was 'white light'.)
I am super grateful for every psychedelic experience I've ever had, maybe especially for the most difficult ones. Now I know the importance of holding space when someone is about to truly go for it, and that alone makes that first DMT experience worth it. I know how dark it can go, and I don't want anyone else to ever go through what I did unnecessarily. Although... If they do, that's okay too, because as we make spiritual progress, even the scariest places become approachable. I am not afraid of Hell anymore. In fact that's where a lot of the deepest work seems to happen. Now I am stronger than that place. In fact I now know that I am the CREATOR of that place. Nevertheless, ever since that trip, I have been sincerely grateful each day for the 'mundane', for gravity, trees, air, people... It's a fucking miracle to be here. I'm thankful to exist at all in this delicate conscious balance of life. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed my story. Oh and btw, please don't yell at anyone smoking DMT!!
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