Citation: The Acidmost Layer. "Star of David Nausea, Identity Fragmention: An Experience with LSD (exp111446)". Erowid.org. Feb 5, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111446
||(blotter / tab)
It was the last few hours of December 31st, 2017. On that same day, I had unexpectedly received an 125mcg LSD blotter from a friend of mine. Now I was in a hotel room, alone with my boyfriend (let's call him Jacob), and eager to have my first LSD experience.
At 11PM, he cut away a little less than one quarter of the blotter and took it. I took the remaining three quarters. I was feeling extremely happy and excited, without a trace of negative affect in my mind. Earlier that day I had been a little sick, but not then.
The first different sensation I had was at 11:40, when I noticed Jacob's phone looked 'deep.' A few minutes later, I got up from my sitting position, and remember saying I was 'feeling shorter.' All those different sensations were hilarious to me, and I couldn't stop laughing.
Not long afterwards, I was already feeling very different. My capacity for movement was severely impaired, and I and Jacob were lying on the bed. I felt 'less conscious.' I felt very far away from reality, as if I was fading away from life falling asleep or dying.
My gastrointestinal system was feeling wild, and taking over my perception of the world. I felt endless loops of nausea and hunger that didn't seem to go away, even when, after much effort, I got up from the bed to eat a tangerine.
Near midnight, Jacob carried me to a hammock outside for us to see the fireworks. I was already experiencing some interesting visual effects namely, seeing patterns everywhere, in the clouds, the walls, and Jacob's hair. Most of those were several colorful Star of David, although there was much more as well.
Jacob seemed more entertained by visuals than I was. At that moment, I was still feeling less conscious, far away from reality.
'I am definitely experiencing negative affect,' I told Jacob, at some point, in the hammock, after the fireworks stopped. 'I feel nauseated, in a Star of David-shaped way. And it's really annoying, because I can't vomit in a Star of David-shaped way. I also have eight dimensional hunger and I can't eat in eight dimensions. I am not feeling good.'
'But,' I thought to myself, 'this is really interesting. I am glad to know I am normally happy enough that I can afford to consciously inflict myself discomfort sometimes for the interestingness of it.'
I thought to myself, 'this is really interesting. I am glad to know I am normally happy enough that I can afford to consciously inflict myself discomfort sometimes for the interestingness of it.'
Later, I returned to the hotel room, intending on trying to vomit, and Jacob went to the pool. Upon arriving inside the room, however, I fell on the bed, and just stayed there, barely able to move. My visual field was taken over by endless loops of what was ahead of me. Any movement I tried to make seemed 'infinite.' There were colorful, classically psychedelic patterns everywhere, especially if I closed my eyes. Somewhere near me, Jacob's music was playing psychedelic music.
'It's okay for me to just stay here,' I thought to myself. 'They won't mind, since she put me on acid.'
I was briefly confused by that thought for a while. Who were 'they'? There was only me and Jacob in the private hotel space, and no one could see or get near us. But my mind had a quick answer. 'They the people inside my mind. There are hundreds of them.'
At that moment, I felt my identity, my self, shredding into many little pieces. Suddenly, I wasn't Mary anymore. I was only one thin layer of her self, out of the other hundreds that were observing me, including her herself, who wasn't me who was just the person who put me on acid, without whom I wouldn't have been born. The layer I became had no gender identity or perhaps leaned a little masculine. It was purely analytical, concerned with experiencing and understanding that profound experience.
The endless loops of nausea and general gastrointestinal discomfort were still there. Still lying down, I turned my head to face the bathroom door. 'There are hundreds of people inside my mind, about half of whom are Jewish. The Jewish ones won't let me vomit.'
It took a long time, but eventually I was inside the bathroom, trying to vomit. It was impossible. The vomit was Star of David-shaped, it couldn't go through my throat. I sat down on the floor at some point, and got entertained by the tiling of the wall of the bathroom. It felt infinite, as if it extended into all dimensions.
'Don't make yourself mad,' I thought to myself. 'You're just experiencing acute 5-HT2A receptor agonism. 5-HT2A receptor agonism, 5-HT2A receptor agonism, 5-HT2A receptor agonism.' I looked at the mirror, and experienced some gender dysphoria. The 'layer' of identity I was wasn't as feminine as the reflection I saw. I ended up returning to the bed, and just stayed there, unable to do much.
Jacob came back from the pool. He was smiling at me. At that moment, he felt to me like a little child, who knew nothing about the profundity and importance and significance of what my mind was going through. That sensation just grew as the hours passed.
He lay on the bed, and started touching me. But any time he tried to, I screamed 'Don't touch me! Don't touch me!,' what was rather confusing for me. Usually, I love being touched by him, and usually, I'm a very agreeable person. 'Sorry,' I said. 'When you touch me, it feels infinite, and that bothers me. You should touch me finitely and absolutely, not infinitely.'
Jacob seemed entertained by sensorial experiences. We spent a while not talking much, just experiencing our trips. Anytime I did say something, however, during the entire trip, it was just as strange as what I said before. Jacob didn't seem to mind, but his experience was different enough that anything he said sounded extremely normal and sober.
As time passed, I lost more and more of my Mary identity. 'I'm not who I thought I was,' I told Jacob. At some point, I nicknamed myself or rather, who I was at the time as 'The Acidmost Layer.' I could still feel all the other layers of my identity inside me but they weren't being experienced, I wasn't being them at the time. They were hundreds of people, 'half of whom were Jewish, eighty-four of whom wanted infinite tangerines.'
The Acidmost Layer wasn't female, and didn't love Jacob. Those few hours during which I was 'it' were the only period of time I didn't act or feel romantically around Jacob. I didn't feel anything for him, and I didn't want him to touch me. I saw him as an 'annoying soberperson' saying naive sober things, having annoying soberpenis needs, which I needed to attend to because Mary, who had put me on acid, loved him. Technically speaking, he was on around 30mcg of acid and having wild sensorial experiences, but as I vocalized at some point, 'anyone who doesn't have at least 300 people inside their minds is super extremely sober by my standards.'
We stayed on the bed without saying much, each enraptured by their own experience. I had a strong feeling of significance, importance, and profundity, as if what I was going through was the most important and meaningful thing in the world and anyone who wasn't or hadn't experienced it was eternally naive and ignorant. That felt strange, since the feeling of significance didn't accompany any specific thoughts or insights. I seldom used words to think. Jacob attempted to have sex with me at some point, and I dodged him away, which is something unusual for me.
After a while, and much effort, we went to the fancy hotel bathtub, and turned on the bubbles.
He was enraptured by the bubbles, and I was still feeling analytical, serious, with my hand in my chin, as if I was contemplating the most important philosophical questions of the universe. 'There are so many questions,' I said at some point, although I didn't know what were those questions. 'Do you have the answers, soberperson?'
But the things Jacob said almost all were very sober, normal, rational relating to the real world and its events. That annoyed me somewhat, and strengthened my resolve to refer to him as 'soberperson.'
At some point, the shape of the bubbles reminded me of Mary, the woman who'd put me on acid, without whom I wouldn't have been born. 'She loves you,' I told Jacob. 'She loves you a lot. But she's not here. That is, she's not being experienced now. Mary exists in the future, and in the past.'
'I can feel her, right now, I can feel her inside my mind, remembering this moment, from the future, thousands of times. She's remembering this moment thousands of times. I can feel it. That's the only sense in which she exists at this moment, as someone in the future remembering this, and I can feel it very strongly.'
'How is Mary from the future?' Asked Jacob.
'She's great. She's happy. She loves you, a lot. All the thousands of her's. But she doesn't exist right now.'
Several minutes of outward and inward silence passed, until I noticed, examining the bubbles, that my mind was less crowded with people.
'They're pleased with me.' I said. 'The people inside my mind, I pleased them. They left me, as did the curse of the eternal Star of David nausea
but they still won't let me sleep, I don't think. But let's get a spaceship and go to bed. I want to talk to the other ones.'
With 'the other ones' I was referring to my internet friends, to whom I reported some of my experiences once we were back to the bed. I didn't call them 'them' because 'them' during my trip referred exclusively to the hundreds of people inside my mind.
After a while, I and Jacob had sex. But I was completely apathetic, still, and silent I was The Acidmost Layer, who didn't identity as female, didn't like Jacob, and was only doing it out of a sense of felt obligation towards the 'soberperson who is here because Mary loves him.'
The Acidmost Layer didn't have love, positive affect, desire, kindness, or femininity. The Acidmost Layer was a purely analytical philosopher, and the aforementioned characteristics were things it strongly associated with Mary.
'I have to enjoy the most out of this while the gates to the truth are still open' I said. 'They'll close soon, for a long time, and Mary will be back.'
The gates closed sooner than I expected. At about 6AM, Mary started coming back. The several people inside my mind slowly merged into one, my happiness came back strongly, as did my love and kindness. I started kissing and touching Jacob again, and eventually, we had sex. 'This is amazing,' I thought. 'It's so much better to be me than The Acidmost Layer.'
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