Citation: Doktor Molekula. "This Psychosis Should Become a Movie One Day: An Experience with Methylphenidate, Cocaine, MDMA & Alprazolam (exp111601)". Erowid.org. Apr 29, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111601
Back in August 2017, a 3-day open air festival was about to happen in the south of Albania (the place where I come from). I decided to book a camping tent for myself and spend this festival doing drugs like I’ve always done, but this time alone. I must specify that I was going to be alone because I think it plays a major role in why I ended up having a terrible psychosis, and had to spend more than 2 months on Benzodiazepines and Pregabalin, to make sure that I stayed calm enough to not restimulate another psychotic episode.
Nearly 1 month before going to this camp festival, I was using daily Phenibut and Methylphenidate (Concerta). The day that I was going to the camp, my Phenibut supply was nearly on its end, so I took the last milligrams that were left (aprox. 1000mg), hopped the bus with my necessary clothes and stuff that I needed, and also 6 18mg Concerta pills as a substitution for street-amphetamines, and 5 0.5mg Xanax bars to take the edge off anything that I would consume during the party.
So I had already taken the last dose of Phenibut before hopping the bus. On the 3rd hour of the bus trip I decided to take 36 mg of Concerta, because I wanted to feel energetic all day so I could spend some time with various friends that were at the festival already. 4 pills of Concerta and 5 bars of Xanax were still in my bag.
I reach the camp and spend some time meeting people, having a few puffs of weed from time to time, and drinking beer also not too frequently. Then midnight comes and it’s party time. I meet with a friend of mine who used to sell extasy, and I take a 250mg Punisher Extasy tablet, which I was pretty sure it had MDMA and some kind of amphetamine in it, because I had already tried them before. I meet also another friend of mine who used to sell cocaine, so for the night I had a pretty good arsenal for myself.
I was prepared for a really nice trip, but what I didn’t know is that that night, there wasn’t going to be any techno or psy-trance, but there was gonna be dancehall, which I really dislike. So I start tripping while on Extasy, Concerta and Cocaine (Phenibut had worn off I suppose), with bad music playing. Since I am a really extroverted guy, I start to talk with friends and strangers I met at the party, so I didn’t pay that much attention to the bad music.
During this dancehall party I meet a friend of mine who is a really good techno DJ. I ask him if he could organise an after-party and play some decent music. He says he has already arranged this and at 4 a clock in the morning it would start. After that I went and had some other conversations with other people that I don’t really remember. I went to the tent to have some rest before going to the party with good music.
Next thing I remember is me dancing furiously on the dance platform. I start to hear the tracks that the DJ played and they would sound like they were saying my name. I thought that was beautiful and that my DJ friend had mixed them as a surprise for me. Then all tracks started saying my name. They even started mentioning my ex-girlfriends name, which made me think that it was her that organised this kind of surprise. But she wasn’t there. The techno tracks kept telling me to find her in the crowd but she wasn’t there. They started telling me to go swim in the sea (the party was organised by the sea), and find if she is hidden in a yacht nearby.
I undress, start swimming and manage to reach the yacht that was pretty far to be honest. I enter the yacht and start looking for my ex-girlfriend. I start searching and searching. The music kept telling me to look. I notice a little window that you could see the water from inside, and I see my ex-girlfriend drowning and hitting the window. I try to open it but I could not. Than she goes away. I enter the yacht’s rooms and find a big fat guy sleeping there. He wakes up scared and I start yelling at him to get information about my ex-girlfriend’s location. He threatens me with a gun and I keep yelling at him. That moment, I hear the music that tells me that this is just a game, and the fat guy is an actor. If i keep playing good, I will win something. So I have the big fat guy in front of me with a gun. I see there’s an espresso machine. I lift it and threaten to hit him in the head. Then I start laughing at him since I was thinking that it was just acting. I tell him “Nevermind, I’m going now bro, sorry!” and I ask him if I can borrow his water motorcycle to get back to the shore. He tells me to go back the way I came. Fortunately I find that there was no need for me to go swimming again because the whole time there was a floating bridge that connected the yacht with the shore.
So I’m back at the shore. Everybody is laughing at me and some are even telling me what a stupid asshole I am. I couldn’t understand why they were acting like this, and I was asking the DJ and other people where my price and my ex were. Nobody seemed to answer my questions. I go back into the camp and start hearing voices that told me to keep looking since the game that I started before was still continuing. I start noticing drones with cameras flying above me, so it made sense that this was a kind of reality show organised for me. I start looking for my ex in the woods but could not find her. I surrender and go back to my tent where I would try to get some sleep. I notice the tents had changed. They somehow looked like they were memorial graves of the people that were partying that night. I started freaking out and thought that I had died drowning when I went for the swim and that I was a ghost living in that place years after “a terrible tragedy” had happened to the people who partied that night. I had an idea that it could be a psychosis I was experiencing so I reached my bag and had some other xanax pills to calm down. I manage to sleep for a while and when I woke up everything seemed normal at the camp. I wake up a little bit crashed but at least I wasn’t hearing the voices anymore and was not seeing my camp as a memorial graveyard.
I start feeling anxious about what I did and questioning myself what all this is. After some hours I start hearing again the voices of my family laughing at my inability to “win the competition” or “pass the test”. The drones with cameras came again above my tent. I start ignoring them as I could not tell if they were true or not. I was completely alone in the tent and the friends that I knew were not close enough to tell them what I was experiencing. I decided to ignore every voice and go to the beach, smoking weed here and there and drinking beers so I could calm down. Then the night comes again. I start hearing the same family voices laughing at me. I decide to not go at the party but stay in the tent. The music starts and I could hear from far away the tracks telling me to come, but I didn’t want to because I was mad at the “organisers” of this “prank” they made on me. The music and the voices continued for hours and hours. I started thinking that this was a really well-organised prank by my family, especially my aunt and my brother. The voices started to become very very terrifying.
I started thinking that this was a really well-organised prank by my family, especially my aunt and my brother. The voices started to become very very terrifying.
They started telling me that the people that are partying are drowning and I could hear the music with an underwater effect, and also people screaming for help. The drones were still there filming me, so I ignored all the voices because I was pretty sure that this was just a reality show or a prank. Then the idea that I am dead started to get into my head again. I start becoming really paranoid and was not sure of anything anymore. I called my family to beg them to stop this. They tried to assure me that they hadn’t organised any prank, and that they were at home, so the voices I was hearing were just my imagination. While talking to them and trying to figure out what was happening to me, I went into a very delirious state so I don’t really remember the chronology of the things that happened afterwards.
I remember calling the ambulance to come and get me because I needed help and at the same time my brother was coming to get me and send me home. In the middle of this chaos I convinced myself that I was dead. I go away from my camp and go to another one to drink beers so I could see if alcohol would calm me down. After 7 beers I was still in the same psychotic state. The ambulance called me to recheck the address. I ask the bartender of the camp’s bar for the name of the camp and he tells me it is called “Camp Paradise”. I freak out, obviously because I already thought I was dead and the camp’s name was PARADISE. I tell the ambulance guy the name of the camp but tell him not to come because I’m already in Paradise, I’m already dead, I don’t need an ambulance. The ambulance guy fortunately understood that I wasn’t quite mentally healthy at that moment so he told me he was coming even though I kept telling him not to. My brother was coming too, so I started thinking how the hell am I dead when I’m speaking with my brother at the phone. He can’t be dead too. So the way to figure it out if I’m dead for real or this is all part of my brother’s “prank” was to ask the bartender if he was Saint Peter. I ask him that and he replies “Yeap, that’s me. This is Camp Paradise.” I ask him “How come I’m in Paradise? I was an atheist?” He replied “Well, it turns out that if you are a good person, you end up here, doesn’t matter if you believe in God or religion.” After that conversation I was totally convinced that I was dead so I felt calm and decided to not worry about anything anymore.
Then the ambulance comes and the driver/nurse manages to convince me to enter the vehicle. He sends me to the hospital. While talking with the nurses I realise that I was in a terrible psychosis, so I tell them to administer benzodiazepines intravenously. After a few seconds I come in touch with reality. Moments later, my brother, his girlfriend and my aunt come at the hospital, obviously shocked, but to keep me calm they didn’t mention what I experienced and what I was telling them on the phone. I go home, take some other benzos and go to sleep. I wake up, see that in the drug bag I did not have anymore Concerta, extasy, cocaine or xanax left. So, it turns out that the reason for this terrible psychosis is that I had unconsciously taken all these drugs in 2 nights. Then next thing I remember is me being again home layed down and a nurse administering me fluids and benzodiazepines. Turns out that psychosis had kicked in even the day after and they had sent me to the hospital to check me out if I had a brain damage or I just needed medications for some days straight.
So I spent 1 week on really heavy doses of benzodiazepines and another 2 months with Pregabalin. The doctors told me that it is a miracle that I hadn’t burned my brain permanently. The recovery was really hard, and even to this day sometimes I suffer from extreme anxiety. It has become a lesson to respect drugs, prepare the set and settings and never trip alone.
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