Citation: Sims. "Hard Attempt at Ego Death - Heroic Dose: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT & ALD-52 (exp111605)". Erowid.org. Feb 18, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111605
The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:05
||(blotter / tab)
Interesting highlights of this trip:
Near-death-experience, light bursting from trees, very digital auditory hallucinations
I apologize, but in the state of mind I was in during this trip, there was no possible way I could have kept notes of time. Time was barely ever a possibility of a thought. I will give estimated timing based on my perception of when time was still easy and from what those around me told me later.
Before I start... 4-AcO-DMT is identical in effects to psilocybin mushrooms for me as is ALD-52 identical to normal LSD.
I had an ambitious mindset that will be described later as well as a slight nervous feeling due to stomach issues from what I had eaten that day. I was not on any prescription or over the counter medications and because I trip quite frequently (once every week to two weeks) I do not consume any caffeine, marijuana, alcohol, etc because doing so even a couple days before a trip ruins its clarity and what I get out of it.
This trip was not planned out at all. I was at home with my wife, toward the end of January, and asked if we could go on a walk because it was a warm spring like day after a few days of cold and snow. She wasn't interested. Two of my roommates walked into our house and said they were going on a hike on some trails that start at the end of our street.
Because I have been trying to achieve ego death for a while, I immediately asked if I could go with and my wife decided to come as well. They asked for some ALD-52 and I took out my supply of 4-AcO-DMT as well. Previously, I had attempted ego death with 25mg, 40mg and 80mg doses of 4-AcO-DMT on separate occasions (without tolerance) as well as a trip with a dose of 600mcg ALD-52. I failed each time because I could not let go of my body accept that I was going to die (ego death, not physical death) and had since confronted the deeper issues that were preventing me from doing so (in summary, big ego).
T+0:00 On this day, before I left the house with my wife and roomates, I swallowed 40mg (+/- 2mg) of 4-AcO-DMT.
T+0:05 I held 6 x 100mcg blotters of ALD-52 under my tongue for around 15 minutes until I swallowed them.
I was very optimistic about this trip, being a high dose on a beautiful day in a beautiful place. One negative though was that I hadn't eaten meat on this day. I've been pursuing a vegetable based diet for the health benefits and sometimes eat meat when it is the only thing available and it always upsets my stomach and makes me feel very weak (even when sober), just as it often makes anyone feel when under the influence of hallucinogens. I felt very worried that the nausea would make my trip excrutiatingly miserable and it did for the first 20 minutes or so but I kept my mind right and managed to really enjoy the trip.
T+0:10 I was already feeling the tryptamine and lysergamide effects, as I usually do with high doses. Time was starting to distort and I was beginning to feel claustrophobic in my very spacious basement. I felt a strong urge to leave and could not keep my attention on anything my company was saying.
T+0:15 I was now finishing measuring out the 4-AcO-DMT for my company and as soon as they consumed it, I told them we should leave. I couldn't stand to be in the house anymore and especially couldn't feel confortable with standing around and talking. I was feeling extremely nauseous and weak so I drank a large glass of water as we left and got a papaya and knife to bring with for a snack. (I lost the papaya and went to find it two days later, eaten by some animal, with only the peel remaining. Sad.)
The trails were about a ten minute walk from my house and the walk helped me start to feel better. The fresh, warm air was exciting. I couldn't wait to get to the trails. I carried on a conversation with my company as we walked to the trails.
T+0:30 When we got to the trails I broke through that metaphorical wall between society's reality and nature's reality. The rocks and trails were beautiful and I looked back at the houses and couldn't imagine going back by choice at that time. Within three minutes or so of walking on the trails I couldn't continue conversing with my company. They had not started to come up yet so their speaking was very calculated with long continuous thoughts and conversations built around single subject matters. My answers were one or two forced words as my mind drifted before I decided there wasn't much reason to talk.
This is where I lose my sense of time and I will go ahead and add some time information in towards the end when it starts to come back to me.
This is a somewhat deserty area. The rocks, the trees, the sand started to glow in brilliant colors that are almost unimaginable in memory. I took off my shoes as I often do when hiking and I felt so alive and grounded with every step against the hard rocks and soft sand. Though, an impending sense of doom started to accompany my nausea and I decided I should go off alone and meditate where I could try to leave my body behind for a while.
I told my company, 'I have to leave, I'll be back.' I ran around frantically looking for a place to hide and couldn't find one.
I asked one of my roommates where I might lay that no one would find me. These trails are occasionally used by other home owners in the area. He showed me an amazing place in a bowl in the ground that was hidden by over-hanging branches from a tree.
Sitting there immediately made me feel better. Everything around me was simply the pure essence of what beautiful is. I don't know that I had ever felt so close to being one with the matter and the life around me.
I knew it was a great place to meditate and attempt ego death. I sat, calm, focused, listening, just waiting. My mindset was, 'whatever happens now is not up to me.' I sat on the dirt, resting against the trunk of the low hanging tree, and stared at another small tree that was directly in front of me. As I sat there staring and waiting, the tree in front of me seemingly started to crawl towards me as it light began to burst from every inch of it. It was a radiating glow that could not be painted. I started tear up as fear came over me, my breathing became irregular out of fear. The fear was not uncomfortable, because I was ready to be afraid as I would start to experience what it means to die. I was at piece with the fear. It felt miserable but so beautiful that I was allowed to experience this fear that was the epitome of fear. In its own right, just this experience alone was maybe a light form of ego death.
I felt as if the universe itself were culminating into the matter in front of me, answering my call for answer, collecting so much of its energy into right where I was sitting. And in doing so, I felt like I was about to have my ass handed to me. There is no better way to say it. The tree in front of me and the rocks and dirt around it were like a portal to something greater than can be imagined and it was about to show me how I am nothing compared to its everything. It was morphing around me and draining me of what I thought I am. Unfortunately, too many distrations were in the area. Dogs barking a mile away, kids playing in their yard in the distance, my company running around far from where I was sitting. Every sound would pull me back to safety. The fear would melt away as I was given proof that I would continue to live. I tried again and again to let it consume me but it didn't happen.
So, I laid down on the ground, closed my eyes, and tried to meditate. This was even more miserable but beautiful at the same time. As I cleared my mind of all thoughts, the classical pre-ego death ringing was present in everything around me. And I've never before this been so silent of thoughts. As I pushed thoughts out of my consciousness, something beautiful happened. From the darkness of having my eyes closed, a bright tunnel full of color and wondefullness burst in to consume all of my perspective of my self. I can only imagine it's the same white tunnel that everyone sees when they almost actually die and have a near death experience. While beautiful at first, things got terrifying as the last few thoughts left my mind. I had thoughts of being found there dead, I had thoughts that I would never return to this earth. I wondered about how my friends and family would feel when I was gone. I pushed them all out as the feeling of misery increased. When the normal thoughts of what I was observing around me were pushed aside, I was left with smaller, simpler thoughts of feeling cold (I was in the shade) and feeling the posture of my body against the dirt, etc. But the feeling of misery only increased. And then, I managed to clear those from my mind... What was left? Breathing... The most simple thought of breathing in and out. No words associated to it. And I pushed them away. What I could imagine was 10 seconds to a minute later, I was erupted from my silence of thought to an excrutiating burning in my chest. A result of not breathing. I tried again. And again. Eventually, it didn't break my meditation and only made me feel more and more like my ego was going to die. All I felt was fear. Thoughtless fear. Whatever it means to feel fear was there and it was absolutely scary and terrifying but I was still thoughtless. While I was there, I could not acknowledge anything but in memory I remember the tunnel consuming me as I approached what I can only describe as such a tiny point that it is nothing. Everything was going away as I painfully approached that point and in memory, it seemed like I was about to break through to something that can't be understood until one is there.
Unfortunately, distractions even continued to break me away from this. The dogs barking, people talking, etc. And when they did, it was like coming up from nearly drowning underwater. A world of thoughtful fear rushed in as I gasped for air and as signs of being alive presented themselves to me all of the fear went away.
I want to add an interesting note about the sounds I heard that were distracting me. They sounded like they were right next to me. People walking with their dogs, talking to them at a normal conversational level, kids playing. I would get up and go to the top of a small hill next to me only to realize they were in houses or apartments up to a half mile away. I could see the kids, dogs, people and still hear them very clearly sometimes. I verified with my company that this wasn't just in my head. They saw them and heard them too. The most remarkable thing to these sounds was the barking dogs. With each bark came an echo. But not an echo with reverb like it was bouncing off some walls or rocks. It was just a replay in my head of the dog barks, nearly as loud with each repeat. But the strangest thing, as clear as the echos were, each next echo was more and more digital like a recording of the first bark had been 'bit crushed.' Think the background music in some of the earliest video games.
I did this two or three times but at the last time I was worried about my wife and yelled for her. She wasn't there and I jumped up and started running to look for her. This. Was. Intense.
Imagine waking up from a 15 minute nap after being awake for 2 days straight. That inital struggle to move your body and convince yourself to move. This is what walking felt like. Except, I was wide awake. It felt like my body was a poorly designed robot that I had to figure out how to use. My walking was sluggish and difficult.
It felt like my body was a poorly designed robot that I had to figure out how to use. My walking was sluggish and difficult.
My eyes also felt somewhat new to me. Everything was glowing so bright and melting and it took me about 15 seconds of just standing and looking around and taking everything in before I could begin to run and find my wife.
I found her water bottle and jacket that she left behind, picked it up and started running. It was cold and beginning to get dark. My thoughts were that my company couldn't handle their dose, were found delusional by hikers, and taken away by emergency responders. I was trying to piece together how I would get home and call around trying to see if they were taken to a hospital.
Just then, my wife casually walked out from behind some bushes and said hi. She said she was going home and we found our roommates.
I was so glad to be home. I was surprised that I wasn't tripping very hard anymore as it felt like we had been tripping for about an hour as time started to come back to me. I was surprised that I wanted to be home. Then, I realized it was getting very dark and cold when we had started our hike around 1:45 pm. I thought I had maybe been under that tree for 20 minutes or so. I asked my roommates and they reminded me when we left and said we had been there for around four hours. It was truly mind-blowing.
Shortly after I drank some water, ate some fruit, got ready for work the next day and went to bed.
I wish there was a good way to summarize this trip. But it was beautiful. I've tripped maybe 50 times in the last two years whether it be at home, at work or in the forest. This one was truly eye opening and encourages me for my next big dose when I'm ready to trip again. It burned me out though. About two weeks later and thinking of putting a blotter in my mouth makes me want to gag for some reason.
I've had so many trips that people would consider 'bad' where I felt miserable and couldn't get out of thought loops but in the end felt amazing and learned so much from those dark places so that I may never go to those same dark places again.
I can't wait until I experience ego death.
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