Citation: PenisFlavors. "Chronic Pain, and Suicide: An Experience with H.B. Woodrose (exp111649)". Erowid.org. May 29, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111649
My goal has always been to improve my depression and chronic illness. I started taking LSA in May of 2017, and quickly started taking the seeds every few days. It always made things better so I kept taking it. High doses, low doses, tons of weed, crazy edibles, and lots of kratom. I took a total of 300 HBWR seeds over the course of this time. This trip was the result of the last 15 seeds in the bag.
I had a panic attack 4 hours after taking the seeds, and I called my friend thinking I was literally going to die. This is kinda where it gets funny. I took a urine test for my physical two days prior and didn't think about how I had masturbated that morning, so when I gave the sample it had too much protein. So they thought my kindeys were failing. So of course the day before I'm supposed to get my tests back I take a fuckton of LSA. Not exactly good set and setting.
I knew I was going to die. It was just what was going to happen. The seeds were poison, I had just given myself the fatal dose and I would be the first idiot to overdose on LSA. I saw my face on the news and the emotional video interview with my distraught family. My body was in so much pain, just unimaginable agony. Pain has been a part of my life always, but it's always interesting to see experiences make it better/worse, it reminds me that it's all just bullshit perception. I can endure anything, I have control over my mind.
But back to the panic. My throat was going to close up and I was going to die, in my parents house, right under their noses, for completely ridiculous and stupid reasons. I legitimately wrote up a giant post on /r/deadredditors before I sobered up enough to call my friend. She helped me make a note in case I did die, and I started to settle into it. I smoked a ton of weed, and what happened next is hard to describe. The whole world zoomed out and I saw all my old friends and lovers and everyone who has affected or been affected by my life. I started having conversations in my head with people I haven't seen in years. My life isn't terrible, at all really, so I didn't understand why I kept seeing myself hunched over on the edge of my bed crying my eyes out over and over again. I saw every bad social experience which reinforced all my depressive thoughts, every shitty thing I ever did, everything was just so clear.
The trip wasn't exactly pleasant, but I swear this was the first time in my life I ever cared this much if I lived or died. I used to beg for death, but when I finally faced it I could see clearly.
It took me quite a few hours to even come back to reality. I was lost in my head, talking to old friends and lovers. I wound up falling asleep at roughly 1am, and waking up at 6am.
Here's the bottom line, my life is great. I still haven't accepted my death, but I've started to accept my life. I'm always astounded I'm still alive after so many years of trying to destroy myself, all because of my bullshit overactive nerves and “chemical imbalances” (what doctors call depression) in my brain. I'm over the guilt associated with needing painkillers 24/7, I'm ready to live. I applied to a few jobs online just now which is a MASSIVE deal for me. The seeds are all gone now, I won't be able to get more for a while, but I don't know if I'll ever need them again.
I do however have a few psychedelics en route, but I'm waiting the full two weeks at the very least. My next experience will be with LSD, for the first time realistically as my first and only dose did very little.
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