Citation: Random Output. "O Divinity, Claim This Unloved Soul: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT & Meditation (exp111733)". Erowid.org. Mar 29, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111733
Lately, I've become interested in drug-aided meditation and visualization as a means of achieving insight. My first attempt at this involved a moderately high (200mcg) dose of 1P-LSD combined with CBD, and the effects far exceeded my expectations. I'd expected to spend a while watching the strange, evolving lysergic geometry as I pondered my problems and fears; instead, I fully dissociated and spent 75 minutes drifting from one illusory existence to another, experiencing life through the eyes of a series of strangers and friends. The episode was profound enough that I wished to replicate it, and this led me to the 4-sub tryptamines.
I first sampled a low-to-moderate (10mg) dose of 4-AcO-DMT to see how it differed from the by now familiar lysergamides. I found that the 4-AcO-DMT had a much faster onset with a markedly shorter duration and plateau, and while the visual, tactile and cognitive effects were comparable (if not identical), the tryptamines had a number of novel subjective effects - surprisingly potent sedation, appetite suppression and some short-term memory impairment. Overall I found these novel effects to be mildly unpleasant, but potentially effective aids to visualization - the sedation and amnesia could make dissociation easier, while the shorter duration means I can take a dose later in the day without it interfering with my sleep.
SET AND SETTING: My apartment, early evening, Saturday - cloudy, cool but still warm enough that there are a lot of people about. I tried the 4-AcO-DMT three days ago, so I may still have some residual psychedelic tolerance. It's been four hours since I've eaten.
PREPARATION: The drug is dissolved in 80-proof vodka to a 1mg/1mL strength, stored in a refrigerated glass bottle.
+0:00 - I prepare a kind of 'magic screwdriver' - 20mL of my solution (20mg of the drug) mixed with a similar amount of orange juice over ice. The resulting cocktail tastes no different than one made with ordinary, psychedelic-free vodka. I burn a little incense, put on some Bowie and relax just like I would any other evening.
+0:20 - I'm feeling first alerts, the most pronounced of which are tactile sensations. There are significant differences between the tactile sensations caused by lysergamides and tryptamines - the former are strong, almost sexual pulses of energy, whereas what I'm feeling now is a gentler all-encompassing warmth, something like being lowered into a hot bath. I take a bismuth tablet to stave off any potential nausea.
+0:30 - Now the OEVs are setting in. The initial visuals are very subtle - green flecks on the walls, a strange hardness to the shadows, and colorful overlays on objects in my peripheral vision. The best comparison I can make is to a digital photograph that's been resaved in several different formats and lost some of its color data. Tactile effects are getting stronger - I'm feeling an odd sensation across my face, a tension in the muscles as though I've been smiling.
+0:45 - Nausea sets in, but it's actually very mild, more so than in my test. More significantly, I'm experiencing some very strange cognitive effects. Every time I shift my attention - from the music to my trip journal, for example - it feels like I've actually moved.
I'm experiencing some very strange cognitive effects. Every time I shift my attention - from the music to my trip journal, for example - it feels like I've actually moved.
This one room is more like four very similar rooms that are connected by means that I don't really understand.
+1:00 - Since I'm handling the dose pretty well, I decide to add a 5mg booster in preparation for the meditation session. I don't start yet, though, as I'm losing control over my emotions. It's absurd what set it off - I read some message on my phone and it triggered an episode of self-hatred. Recently, I've become aware of how many relationships in my life have been strictly transactional, which is a fancy way of saying that most people I've known have been using me to some end. This is something I'm aware of even when I'm sober. Now, with a head full of magic, I'm feeling terribly alone, unloved and unlovable.
+1:20 - The dimensions of the room keep changing but I'm so inwardly focused that I barely notice. Desperate for some kind of human contact, I will myself off the loveseat and over to the computer where I attempt to log in to the TripSit IRC, but my head is so backward that I can't quite manage it. Against my better judgment, I take one more 5mg booster and start the session. The last thing to show up in my notes (in barely legible handwriting) is the phrase 'May God find me somewhere in there because there might not be anyone else who wants me.'
The setup for my meditation sessions is not terribly elaborate. My bedroom is darkened as much as possible - it's not pitch black, but it's dark enough with the blinds closed and curtains drawn, especially on a cloudy day. I have a set of noise cancelling headphones and a downtempo two-hour playlist I've specifically set up for this purpose.
+?:?? - The meditation session lasts about eighty minutes. There's no way to keep a timeline of my experiences during this - I have no clue what time it is and I'm not sure the time would mean anything to me anyway. During this time I again dissociate, but the experience is much different. The lysergamide-aided session was volatile and immersive, with lots of highly-detailed, multi-sensory hallucinations. This experience is far more abstract and emotional; while I do still catch a glimpse of one of those visions (most of them recreated memories from early in my life), they are very fleeting. This session is less seen and more felt, and on a level that's awe-inducing.
I should at least try and explain what I see on the inside of my eyelids. Most of the time it's void - not even blackness but absolute nothingness, like I've lost even the concept of vision. Occasionally, though, I do see some constructs floating in the abyss. Usually these are either two-dimensional smears of color or massive radiant pillars, but they tend to disintegrate as soon as I try to observe them. More rarely, I see a female face that I've seen a few times while under the effects of psychedelics.
While there's not much to see in the void, there is plenty to hear. I frequently hear voices over the sound of the music. The loudest one, a deep male voice, announces his surrender to God and beseeches me to submit as well. Obeying his orders, I relax and feel my body fade into non-existence. I can now hear two more voices - a female voice (belonging, I assume, to the face I've been seeing) that taunts and challenges me, and a very faint male voice that seems to be trying to give me some information. When the voices feel silent, my consciousness flows with the music, and I can almost see the pressure wave floating in the void before me.
I suppose this is what they call 'ego death,' but at no point do I forget where I am or the fact that I'm under the influence of a drug. Nevertheless, I do begin to view my actual life as a fiction. I'm observing my own existence from somewhere in space and I have no immediate desire to return. Finally, it dawns on me what this is - death, true oblivion. I've left my body and been taken up to a very strange sort of heaven. At first I find myself begging whatever higher power is in charge of this place to let me stay, but when I try to let go of that fiction I find myself brought to tears at the thought of all those people still on Earth. It's time to come back.
+2:40 - I am unbelievably disoriented as I return to reality. It takes a few minutes to grasp what time it is, and when I do it doesn't feel right. Surely it's been more than three hours since I took the initial dose, but the clock doesn't lie. I'm not hungry at all but I understand that I should eat, so I heat up a slice of pizza I picked up earlier in the day. It's fantastic - everything's fantastic, I've never been so happy to be alive.
+3:00 - While I may have experienced some kind of catharsis, I'm still not back to normal. Mentally, I feel somewhat detached from reality, a sensation similar to what I felt the day after my first full 1P-LSD experience. Physically, I am enervated, so weak that I can barely move. I can't do much of anything but lie on the loveseat until about +5:00 when I finally regain the strength to start writing.
AFTERMATH - Even once my strength returns, I'm still too tired to do anything productive, so I go to bed early. I quickly drift into a sleep filled with dreams that are vivid but otherwise not all that unusual. I still feel slightly off center when I wake up but I am once again functional.
CONCLUSION - I was curious about tryptamines, and this answered some questions. Compared to lysergamides, tryptamines like 4-AcO-DMT are a lot more emotional, for good or ill. There's no general mood lift here, and that can make for a very rough ride if things start to go south. On the other hand, that same effect can make them a lot more cathartic for the user willing to ride it out. 1P-LSD is a lot more recreational, more 'fun,' and that extended to the meditation session. 4-AcO-DMT is a little scary, but that makes it potentially more rewarding. That said, I doubt I'll try this again, and certainly not any time soon.
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