Citation: LonelyGod. "Lonely Delusions of Being God: An Experience with LSD (exp111973)". Erowid.org. Jun 9, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111973
Preface: I am normally a pretty grounded person and perhaps thatís what caused me to hold back from letting the effects sink in. I wanted to trip because I really missed the nostalgia of the headspace and visuals I get when on a psychedelic. I went in with goals of feeling more in tune with my own families and psyche. I was with two friends, we will call them Ned and Arnold. Me and Arnold are friends since primary school so I decided to trip with him, as we had not yet done so together. We go to Nedís place and play some PS3 until we decide to drop.
The Drop: We take the tabs, mine was 155mcg with perforated edges, Arnoldís was 100mcg with clean cut edges. My friend asked how we were on psychedelics, and I joking said I get a little psychotic- if only I had known. We play one more match on the ps3 and go downstairs. We go in this recreation room with this semi-finished puzzle on a table.
The Come Up: Thereís this giddiness that builds up as Iím sitting in the rec room, and Arnold notes the same thing, I also notice this painting on the wall looks sort of popping out like a 3D screen. After we begin to feel more and more giddy we decide to go outside to the beach and walk around. At this point, the visuals are coming on stronger and it makes the sand look like the grains are dancing in a harmony along with the wind. We walk over to this storm drain, and mind that it was a cloudy dark day and as a matter a fact about to rain, so looking at the nasty polluted-looking storm drain kind of set me off in a bad headspace about where mother nature was headed. I definitely think the shitty weather and the fact that we were in a rather urban area of the beachside, had already set me off in a negative headspace.
I definitely think the shitty weather and the fact that we were in a rather urban area of the beachside, had already set me off in a negative headspace.
This was particularly frustrating because as any tripper knows, indoors is not a very comfortable environment to be in during a psychedelic experience.
The Peak: We are still chilling at the storm drain, but at this point Ned and Arnold are conversing and I was finding it harder and harder to keep track of the conversation and stay coherent. I would start laughing about random thoughts flying through my head and I being a flat out stoner thought of a brilliant idea: to smoke some weed now that Iím at the peak. In hindsight it was a good thing I mentioned that because we had to go back to my car to pick up the bud, and in the middle of the way back, huge gusts of wind were hitting us and we saw a heavy rainstorm approaching land from the sea shore, so we hightail it back to Nedís and go back to smoke.
We smoke in this dark ass room with a fan to blow smoke out of, and there was this other compartment at the edge of the room that was dark and everything there seemed to be moving, and same with the ground and the different patterns on the ground. I remember taking only one out of a one hitter, I mostly gave some to Ned as a favor for him trip sitting us. What scared the hell out of me was that I felt this presence and out of the corner of my eye, in that compartment in the corner of the room, I saw the figure of a person, very vague, but he had blue pants a red shirt and seemed to be like porcelain white. I didnít say anything about it and brushed it off. After a while we decide to go back upstairs and play some Fortnite. At this point I was going deep into introspect, I mean just lost in the sauce. And I was thinking jeez itís so hard to think or even do anything for that matter. Then I donít know if they were really saying it coincidentally, or if I was going delusional at that point, but it felt like my friends were saying exactly what I was thinking. And it didnít help that Ned was on the phone with our friend Matt who was talking about someone else and saying how all they do was nothing with their lives and the least they could ever do was pick up the phone. For some reason I felt like Matt was talking about me and how all I could do was nothing but lay catatonically while Ned and Arnold play fortnite.
The Freakout (Mid Trip): At this point, I donít know what happened fully, but I think I began to be scared that since they were saying exactly what I was thinking that life must just be some sort of illusion and for that reason none of my actions mattered.
I began to be scared that since they were saying exactly what I was thinking that life must just be some sort of illusion and for that reason none of my actions mattered.
I would have these thought loops that whatís stopping me from doing nothing and everything at the same time, and just really paradoxical thinking. I was also really scared that life was just an illusion that concocted with its own history serving as an illusory backstory to keep me fooled and that my friends were my watchers and were like oh shit he knows none of this is real, weíre gonna have to put him down. In reality they were like oh shit heís tripping hard and heís freaking out, and they tried to put some benzos in this bottled water so I can calm down. So when they gave me the water, I donít know what I was thinking, I was convinced my friends were just illusions that my mind created as a coping mechanism for being the only sentient thing in the universe. I mean really deep delusional shit. I grabbed the water bottle and let all of the water spill out, which my friends were hoping I wouldnít do because that water had 2mg of klonopin dissolved in it to calm me down. They kept telling me to take a benzo to calm me down. I was thinking since the illusion is broken the damn benzos [don't] work on me anymore lol. In a way the whole illusion theory I had made me come to the conclusion that I was some sort of god, but I was scared of this and I rejected the idea, I felt like it would be a lonely principle to be a god. Because I would be the only one of my kind and would fear that my creations and companions would not have the same level of consciousness and sentience as myself.
Also at this point I was scared because I felt like I was gonna be punished for breaking the illusion and felt like I was gonna be transported into another body, another life, another illusion I wouldnít be aware of. Apparently I kept saying ďwhat? No way!Ē I think that was me reacting to these delusions telling me that I was god, and what didnít help was Ned twitching his foot because it made me feel like I was going even crazier, like I felt like Ned twitching his foot was the illusion of reality glitching out due to me being aware it was all an illusion. I continued to go through this thought loop that I was god, and I was just so tired of it.
I continued to go through this thought loop that I was god, and I was just so tired of it.
By the time Arnold had convinced me to finally take a benzo, my other friend Andre arrived, and that helped calm me down too. By that point I was calmed down by the benzo but still convinced that I was god and I created everything and I was just talking about how impressed I was at how I got everything down to the particle. Apparently I went on a lot about fractals, Niel Degrasse Tyson and quantum particles. My friend Andre, just going along with it at that point joked around saying ďIím glad you got it down to the particle,Ē and ďsome would say youíre a rocket scientist.Ē And that really made it feel like they were also aware that reality was just my own concoction. So despite the benzos calming me down, I still had this ďIím godĒ headspace about me for another hour. After a while I go upstairs and take another benzo and call my mom, because during that experience I was worried Iíd never see my family again.
The Comedown and After Thoughts: After an hour or so, the 4mg of klonopin really killed the psychedelic headspace and I asked my friend if he could do me the favor of driving me home. At that point I just wanted to be with my family and call it a day. By this point also I was back in tune with everything and was glad and humbled that I wasnít a god. Because that would be a hard and lonely job. I was glad that I wasnít just in a world that was a figment of my imagination because I learned that would also be lonely as fuck, and I think thatís why during the trip I was grabbing at my friends hoping that their reactions were real and genuine.
I am glad for one thought, and thatís how much I care about my family. Because that experience made me really miss them a lot and want to reconnect with all of them, because I feared that I would never see them again. Iím glad I went through this experience despite how challenging it was, because it both humbled me and renewed my appreciation for the ones I love. Perhaps it was the scariest trip Iíve had, but it may also be the most enlightening.
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