DOSE:

130 mg

oral

MDMA

(capsule)

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

Some background info:
Through a friend/acquaintance from high school, I met a drug dealer who was advertising “molly caps on deck.” I’m a bored engineering student on summer break suffering from mild depression and a broken heart, and have never tried the drug before. Up to this point, I had taken up what was my main source of entertainment throughout my childhood, which is drawing. Needless to say, I was excited to find out what hilarious and/or awe-inspiring things would be created when I put pen-to-paper on MDMA.

So, while we were shooting the shit, I tried telling this about me to the dealer-dude. But, of course, he suggested what he preferred me to do on his 90% pure product which apparently had only an 80% percent concentration (for unexplained reasons but whatever). I told him I tutored chemistry, to which he didn’t respond.

“What you should do is take a stroll downtown. It’s gonna be intense. All the lights are going to pop…”
I mean, he wasn’t wrong about the lights, but, more on that later. While tripping, I did end up sending him a snap of a very animated cartoon drawing I did of his druggy face, with huge eyes and a football shaped head, even though I knew he wouldn’t appreciate it. I woke up earlier than usual the next morning because it was TIME. Now I’ll take you through this glorious day.

T – 12:00
I’m a very plan-oriented guy (or used to be). Where did I want to start the trip? The most tempting option was visiting a woman whose spell I am still trying to break. She works at my favorite library, and I had been putting off the obligation of either renewing or returning the last book I’d checked out. However, she strung me along for a while, and I recently cut-off all communication. I mean, she visited her ex, who lives in a different state, a couple weeks after ditching me last-minute the day of our planned road-trip to see a concert. But here I was, still her fool, imagining being happy and high and having to explain why I blocked her. I imagined saying to her, “I liked you so much, it hurt,” in a cool demeaner and walking away. This was not a good idea for a couple reasons.

The first was: that sounds really cool in my head and all…. IRL, she probably wouldn’t even be at the front counter, and, if she was, she most likely wouldn’t even ask why. And like punchline lacking a set-up, it ain’t gonna hit home. I need to actually move on.

The second reason was: I was going to take the capsule before leaving to drive there (25 mins away), then from there (x mins later), I was going to go to a coffee shop I frequently draw at (20 mins away). I wouldn’t have enough time to drive before risking an OWI, and fuuuuck that shit. The dealer-dude said it’d be intense. I’m not about to die or kill someone over that bitch, the book can wait. I went with the safer option.

I packed up my guitar (how could I pass up the opportunity to jam on MDMA?!), my sketch-book, my phone charger (this will become relevant later) and got out the stuff.

T - 12:10
I placed the molly capsule on my tongue and began to sip water. I was very squeamish about swallowing it, and the moment water met capsule and that bitter powder inappropriately massaged my tongue, I began coughing/gagging. Water went from my mouth to all over the carpet. I thought maybe some of the powder had also went with it, but knew for sure that the cap had gone down the hatch after that ordeal was over.

T - 12:30
I arrive at the coffee shop. I parked and walked directly to this secluded area, a small concrete stage connected to the patio, where they have an outdoor piano. I opened my guitar case, took out my acoustic. Which sadly enough has its own pathetic story. I’m reminded now was only purchased to serenade a different woman who strung me along for a bit last year. I was a lot less attached to her. Still, I’m a hopeless romantic. Anyway, I began playing. I noticed right way that the molly has started to work but was not completely liberating my mind to be creative. I was free in the sense that I had an inattention to everything other than my playing, but I was still worried about making mistakes in the songs (which were mostly originals). But the molly felt nice at the on-set. It was a humid 85 degrees F out with little wind. I was perspiring heavily the moment I got into my car, but more so out in the sun, playing. I usually tense up around people. I was not paying any attention to the only people with me (still a decent distance way) over on the patio, two slightly fat older women who definitely had noticed me but were heading out anyway.

After a little while, two boys around age 12 come out of the coffee shop, and one put a dollar in my guitar case. Almost dissuading him from doing so, I thanked him, mentioning that no one had ever done that for me before. I then realized how easily I was able to communicate on E, and it was lovely. After they left, I played some more. This time a youngish MILF was eating an ice cream cone with her young son on a shady bench, and they were enthralled by my calm performance. I paused when I noticed I was getting dehydrated. I asked her to watch my stuff. She agreed, of course. I’m usually very paranoid about leaving my stuff in public, but it just felt natural on molly.

T- 1:00
I went inside and enjoyed seeing how crowded it was. I was at ease around a large crowd. Usually I felt paranoid at this place, like maybe people were looking at me or laughing at me (it was still my best option, as I was kicked out of a coffee shop closer to home. Long story.). For once, I was comfortable in my body… my movements were smooth and graceful, maybe even sexy. I came back outside. The mom left, saying, “Nice music.” And I could tell, she meant it. I smiled back, waving goodbye.

T- 1:30
The heat was getting to me. I had downed the water. So, inside I went for most of the trip, and was happy to see my usual spot was open. I sat my stuff there to claim it and went for a refill. Later I drew a picture of walking to the fountain, holding the cup, it was captioned: “Am I walking too fast or too slow?” Again, I felt very comfortable in my actions. I also noticed that time felt sped up, but, at the same time, I was not trying to keep up with it; my mind was making up its own pace. On my way back, I walked past a woman, she was my age, had blond hair, blue eyes, was kind of busty, and was watching me intently. She had these large eyes that sort of looked a bit crazy for a second before going back to normal, but she was still pretty. (I honestly don’t know if that about her eyes was because of the molly.) As I got to my seat, she went to the booth that was right behind me.

At this point, I was ready to doodle. I mean, I had everything in front of me, yet I was not feeling free… not letting go of my pedant tendencies. It took some warming up to the idea that Bob Ross is right, there are only happy little accidents.” And when I began, damn did I draw well for someone who’s not trying. I probably spent less than 3 mins on each drawing. These were representative of my feelings during the trip. Half of them were humorous, and the other half were heart-felt and deep, matching my composure and the atmosphere in which I found myself. For example, one sketch was of me spanking my friend (a girl) over a piano bench, it’s an inside joke between us. Another was captioned: “I’m confused about so much, but I also accept that I am still evolving.” I will keep these sketches forever as a reminder of what I fun day this was.

During this time, I began to peak. I looked up from my notebook and it was as if a force or current was fighting against my eyes, the lights above were making their presence felt. My smile was drawing attention, and for a moment I imagined facing consequences for my actions (being caught high/with drugs on me in public), but then I laughed about the thought of someone wasting their time trying to bust me on such a beautiful day. My pupils were HUGE. I couldn’t stop smiling and giggling and briefly talking to myself out-loud (not in a crazy way, just with enthusiasm about the art). I was also documenting stuff on snapchat, talking to friends, etc. I noticed the woman at the booth looking at me a lot. While I was taking pictures with my phone of one of these drawings, my phone glitched out and suddenly died. And the nearest outlet, the one I usually go to when this happens, is at her booth.

T- 2:00
With little hesitation, I approached her and left my phone near her to charge. I came back a few minutes later to find that the socket was too wide, and the cord had unplugged itself. I told her so and decided to sit there and made small talk. I’ve haven’t talked to a woman this confidently since high school (a lot has changed); I knew I was cool. I felt calm and collected. I even got her snapchat, and we took a selfie together. I realized later that she looks a lot like how one of my ex-girlfriends used to look (when we dated), but I didn’t tell her that. She seemed very busy, working on Spanish homework which was due in 20 minutes; I apologized for exceeding her personal limits on conversation, excusing myself, heading back outside briefly to play guitar because it was a bit cold inside. She said it was very nice to meet me; it felt genuine, I can usually tell when it’s not. Then again, she still hasn’t added me back on snapchat (18 hours later), and I never was very good at telling what people think of me.

T- 2:30
Back outside on the ministage, I played, this time watching the cars drive by at the busy intersection in front of me. After the drawing session and talking so confidently with people, I felt free to sing about anything on my mind, random stuff. I somewhat regret not recording any of that improv, however shitty that audio might have been. My high, however, was declining rapidly. I was coming down fast. As l headed back in, I realized someone had left their jacket by the piano for who knows how long. I tried it on, and decided it needed a new home, or, more honestly, that it was a bit too chilly inside to me.

T- 3:00
When I came back in, I went directly to her, telling the women that I had “found and acquired a jacket thanks to the homeless who keep this coffee shop warm and cozy.” And carelessly, I sat down again at the booth. This time not charging my phone. I kind of feel bad now, but, at the time, I figured she would be done with the assignment. Furthermore, since the molly was wearing off, I felt less empathetic about disrupting her studying. I also noticed how much more awkward I was while talking to her at that point. And after a few minutes, I decided to go back to my spot and kept making silly art. She left a little while later, saying “I’ll see you later.” A goodbye phrase that I had used to the point that it, for some reason, annoyed me when I heard it.

T- 3:30
I noticed an old friend from high school was sitting over at a table, studying. I knew he had seen me but did not want to talk or make eye contact. This bothered me for a little bit, but I had my own reasons for not wanting the same thing. Still, I looked over at him from time to time to see if he’d look. He didn’t. Eventually, he left too. I just kept on doodling. This time spending longer on one work of art. It was captioned “What do I know?” and it contained lots of little cartoons, me doing all the things I do. I was reflecting on my life very deeply but not in an emotional way. For example, there was me writing math on a white-board, sitting at a desk, meditating with tea by my side, sitting in a hot tub, etc. It filled the whole page: all the things I’d loved, I’d loved alone. (I’m paraphrasing an Edger Alan Poe poem.) I drew this while waiting for my drink. I’d ordered an over-priced white mocha, my favorite. When it was ready, I walked to the bar, picking it up in normal time, returning to my seat noticeably less gracefully.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 112016
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Aug 28, 2018	Views: 986
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MDMA (3) : Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53), First Times (2)