DOSE:

repeated

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

90 kg

In the middle of June, 2000, a very close friend of mine, who had been encouraging me to take ecstacy for about a month, offered me half a pill for free. During the weeks previous to that, I'd been reading up on MDMA on harm reduction websites and I decided to accept the invitation. I'd always wondered what the feeling of drugs harder than pot would be like, but found that I couldn't think in the necessary dimensions. I am naturally inquisitive, and I felt I had to try it out, see what the fuss was all about sort of thing.

That night I had an extremely enjoyable time, sharing secrets and visiting the local fairground. The next weekend, I decided to drop again. That night was probably the best night of my life, and one of the defining moments of my life. I was at a friend's house with about 8 people, all of which had taken between 1 and 3 pills.

Everyone was so incredibly close, blah de blah, if you're reading this you probably already know all the normal effects of MDMA, and going over the same old 'I felt uninhibited, truly one with everything around me' stuff will probably bore you. Anyway, these extremely positive experiences carried on for 2 or 3 months, with infrequent doses, say 1 pill every 3 weeks. With every successive roll I learned very quickly how to control the drug. I've seen lots of people who go completely fucked up and annoying on MDMA, and just run around hugging people without warning. I think that the whole ecstacy experience should be much more personal. I much prefer to sit down somewhere quiet with a friend (preferably a friend not on pills) and actually say things like I mean them, not just because I feel like I love everyone. And I try not to say things I couldn't have said when I'm sober. I talked to friends, found out things we have in common, and it was interesting to see how me being in that state affected what they said. I'm sure they wouldnt have told me some things if I was sober, because maybe I'd take it the wrong way.

The most memorable conversation I had was with a friend of a friend who I didn't really know very well. We were discussing the down sides to pills. We identified what worried us most, and this was something I thought just happened to me. The greatest drawback to MDMA for me was that when I was sober, I would look at things and hear things and constantly relate these things to how they look and sound when under the influence of MDMA. Since reality seemed inferior, I would get depressed.

I realize now what my problem was. It was simply that I was thinking about ecstacy constantly, always looking to the next weekend so I could drop. I vowed to stay off MDMA for a few weeks, and I found reality much easier to deal with, surprisingly, when the high points of it weren't as high as they used to be. It just seemed like because of the massive difference between pill-land and reality I started to dislike reality. Luckily, I recognized this, and put it right within about 2 weeks.

Recently, I am dropping much less frequently, but I feel ecstacy has taught me an extremely valuable lesson. The world is a beautiful place on or off pills, so I don't need to spend every sober moment of my life wishing I was rolling. I have also learned to be open about things as often as possible, whatever my state of mind.

I was given a glimpse of the horrible place the world could be for someone obsessed with ecstacy, and so I am being very very careful...I just don't lose touch with reality. The world through my eyes is now a better place, one where I appreciate every single day I have been blessed with. I don't need drugs to have fun, and sometimes I need to give them a break to truly understand what fun is.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 11202
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 7, 2019	Views: 609
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MDMA (3) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Not Applicable (38)