DOSE:

repeated

Amphetamines

BODY WEIGHT:

145 lb

With the exception of this week, I've managed to drastically lesson my amphetamine usage, going from daily use to 2 to 3 times a week. After a few weeks of bad depression and overall suffering, my body and mental state have significantly improved, but my productivity has not. I do web development in my free time (which now, I have all the time in the world for the next 2 months), and using daily I was able to make an appreciable sum of money from it, or at least appreciable to me.

Throughout the last 2 months of such lessened use, however, I haven't been able to do much at all. A few days on speed is not nearly enough to finish anything, because I literally can't do anything on the off days. Without stims, my focus/thought organization/conceptualization feels badly impaired. But on them, I can conceptualize the entire architecture/layout of whatever I'm programming in my head, and I then work fluidly from start to finish. Otherwise, I'm perpetually bouncing back and forth in my attention—constantly getting distracted, always losing track of what I'm doing, and making tons of mistakes that I then need to go back to and fix (leading to further confusion and frustration). I've tried using a notebook to help plan out and record what I'm doing, but then I work like a sloth. These past 2 months I've also been working out and doing decent cardio, and whilst that's helped with depression and anhedonia, my productivity remains dreadfully low.

I've fucked up with stims in my past, abusing amphs and rcs, sometimes binging for upwards of 2 to 3 days. I recently graduated high school and in another 2 months I'm leaving for university. I really just want to be free of this fucking drug. I don't like how I feel on it, how if I take it even once during the day, that entire day (besides for maybe the 3-hour long peak after every dose) just becomes total shit. And even on the peak, the mood-lift feels fake and usually ends up messing with my mental stability. I don't feel like I'm myself, and I get a lot more irrational and anxious. My uneasy history with it is likely part of why I just wish to part with it, (and it's my fault, I could have never abused it, but how does one return?). Every time I've returned to daily dosing, my body cannot bear it like it used to (so this half-desire to quit is not only from the psychological aversion). But then, how can I even quit, if I can't function without it? Is life even worth living not being able to do anything that one enjoys? Whereas most get excited to start uni, I'm left pondering over how to circumvent returning back to becoming heavily dependent on speed (not just for functionality, but to also not feel completely miserable—which is always what has happened to me from frequent use).

The last 4 days I've returned back to daily usage, and I've gotten a whole lot done. But it doesn't feel like I actually got things done myself, and in spite of half-decent sleep, I'm starting to feel terrible again. Because of that, I'm going to break for the next few days, despite how awful the return back to being useless always is.

Is there anything I can try and do to up my concentration and functionality besides more drugs I wonder? I often get told something similar to: 'You just need to find something you have the natural motivation to be productive at'; yet, I've enjoyed programming years before ever doing speed, but it was speed that actually allowed me to get decent. And when I take it away, it's like I've made no progress, and I don't at all know where to go.

A reconsideration of the above: Honestly, I'm just going to quit. If I still don't finish anything taking amph a few times per week, and daily use doesn't work for me, I'll take sloth programming until I get better at it and develop better habits to be productive. I've made more progress in the last 2 months than I thought to be possible during the lowest point of my ab(use). It should only take a bit to get back to where I was before these last 4 days I spent on it, and I can drop it all-together from there. Though I got almost no programming done, I've started to enjoy reading for the first time in a while, and I did some personal writing without speed that I'm really happy with (but my addiction tends to ignore that). I remember starting to feel freer, even with the frequent but temporary moments of despair. Yeah, it sucks I still can't focus well, but this is my best opportunity for bettering myself to the point where I can avoid this drug in college. I don't need to be making money or accomplishing anything now, first I'll focus on addressing myself. Maybe once I help myself I'll help my friend, who too needs this drug to feel complete, and cannot let it go, because for over a year now we've both thought it to be impossible.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 112133
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Apr 12, 2019	Views: 965
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Amphetamines (6) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Performance Enhancement (50), Depression (15), Not Applicable (38)