Citation: JT. "Black Out: An Experience with 1P-LSD & Escitalopram (exp112229)". Erowid.org. Sep 1, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112229
||Pharms - Escitalopram
||(blotter / tab)
I should start this off by saying what I did was dumb. I was aware of the risks but at the time of dosing, I didn't really care. I had a few experiences under my belt, (50ug 1P-LSD, 900mg DXM) but my previous experience with 1P-LSD left me very unsatisfied. I experienced no visuals, and had just kind of an uncomfortable light body high. Just felt a bit distorted. And my DXM trip was cut short by me passing out, but was interesting on the comeup.
I had been on an SSRI for well over 6 months during all of these trips (probably partly why my first 1p-LSD exp was so insignificant). I knew the danger of seratonin syndrome but this didnt deter me. I had never experienced any visuals from drugs before, and I had even taken 800mg of benadryl one night. Nothing. So when I got access to 1p-LSD again, I didnt care that I still had plenty of escitalopram in my system, I just wanted to see shit and escape. I bought three tabs, assuring myself that that amount would be plenty to have visuals. I got off work one night at around 3 am and decided that instead of waiting until the weekend, that I would take it then at 3 am, when I had work in 14 hours, as a reliable manager. Super smart.
So I took all three hits, chewed them up, and listened to some music. I started noticing some very very slight flow to my 'popcorn' ceiling. This turned into a very blurry series of endless fractals. It seemed like I could only keep the visuals there until I refocused my eyes, so they were only visible for 5 or so seconds at a time. This cool effect started reflecting everywhere in the room. The carpet, my hands. A slight body high had begun and I felt amazing at the time. But somewhere my rational thoughts kinda quit. My plan had been to just stay in my room for the trip, because after all, I'm 17 and my parents are home. Hell, my sister and her friend were passed out in the living room. But when this body high started, I decided to go outside. I live in a very gang active neighborhood, so this was really dumb. Also I'd only been coming up for 15 or so minutes, so going outside and walking at 4 am was not very smart. But I did. I walked around for a while, listening to music, stopped by the nearest playground and messed with the fractal sand crystals for a while. I started texting my buddy, lets call him Greg, explaining how great this felt. (he had been present for my mild 50ug trip forever ago, and was unaware that I was on an SSRI) he was very excited that I was tripping and thought that maybe he could have the conversations he's been searching for in his psychedelic use. At some point my body high started feeling a bit exasperated, because I remember when he asked if he should come over, I felt a very very strong urge to just start begging with all I had. This nervousness increased until he arrived 20 minutes later. This is where things start getting fuzzy.
He arrived and couldnt find my apartment building, and was trying to text me to navigate to it, finally he found it, and parked on the opposite side of it. I finally found him and felt so relieved to see him. I felt like I wasnt in danger anymore. He started talking but I interupted him, asking if we could go sit inside somewhere. He asked about my house but I didnt wanna wake anyone up. So we just went to his car.
This is about when he realized something was off. I got into his truck and I think I sat there for 2 or so hours. I had forgotten there even were visuals at this point. I just felt very confused and kept waving in and out of reality. And then I blacked out for about 30 minutes according to him. He said that from what I was saying, I was experiencing ego death. I remember this as me just barely coming back from a crazy train of thought, and slowly coming back to earth. I was very very confused about why we were in his truck but I could see my apartment. I kept asking where we were. I saw the hat on his console for where we work, and I was like hey, do we work here. Do you work there? Do you know (names from work, school, and family)? I had felt like I lost all my memories.
The idea of a job was asinine. Couldnt imagine working and going to school. Seemed very extreme and fascist. I kept asking Greg if everyone lived like that, and if we could just escape and go live without work or school. There was a lot of very detailed thought plot lines like this while I was in his truck. I convinced myself that having my phone was a terrible idea, so I gave it to him. I faded in and out again and thought that I had just tried heroin or something and that me and him were addicts. (The clothes he was wearing was a stained grey sweatshirt, dirty grey sweatpants, an unshaved face, ungroomed hair, and very dirty old shoes. I thought we were homeless junkies.)
Finally at around 7 am, my mom apparently had been blowing up my phone trying to find me, and was walking the dog around the neighborhood looking for me. She saw me in his truck window. I realized at this moment what I had experienced. I had thought that my entire family was miles away in shambles, and I had just abandoned them and ruined my life. I thought I had burned every possible bridge I had with my mom and my sister and that my dad was just like, furious and hated me and thought of me as this terrible abomination. So when I saw her turn the corner I had a moment where I didnt move, I just smiled, and was so happy. When she first saw me, her worry turned to anger veryyyyyy briefly, and she started to yell. It stopped very quickly when I replied very blankly to her 'where the fuck have you been I've been blowing up your phone I was so worried' with a 'I don't know where I am.'
'I don't know where I am.'
I got out of the truck and she asked who Greg was, I told her it was my friend. She went over and knocked on his window, and asked what I had taken. He told her I was on a high dose of LSD. (This is where my mom kicks ass at being a mom.) I really wanted her to understand that I was so sorry for everything that I thought I'd fucked up and that I just wanted her to stay with me until I come down, and her mom instincts kicked in. She brought me inside, called into work, and changed out of her work clothes. She just kept saying it was okay and said we should probably go get Greg (she had no experience with psyches and didnt know how to handle it) so she walks back outside and asks him to come inside. My mom walks my back to my room, and no one would really explain what was going on so I had to just slowly piece it together over the next few hours.
She brought him inside and walked me back to my room. She cleared a spot on my bed and spread everything out. And just kinda put me into bed. Greg said that he would love to see me sleep right now (at this point he was extremely tired and worried) so my mom got my phone and turned on some dave matthews (her favorite band) and I was so happy to hear her favorite band, I just didnt want her to leave and I felt an affection for mainly her but my sister too that I never had. I didnt realize that I could really think I had lost everything before and the feeling I had when I realized everything was okay was just... It made me want to cry from happiness.
At around 9 o clock I was getting coherent again and my mom told Greg that she could probably handle it from there and thanked him immensely for staying through that. Finally she got into bed with me and just kinda held me like I was a 4 year old again for an hour or so. Just did everything she could to help my experience. I ended up calling into work that night as I still could barely stand to piss when it was time to go to work. Greg covered for me that night.
This whole experience just solidified the very real importance of the set and setting rules. If Greg hadnt decided to come over, I couldve stayed outside and walking for my peak. I couldve gone out into the road and died. So much couldve went wrong, if he hadnt kept me in his car, it couldve been way worse. This whole experience just felt like I was getting a second chance. It didnt deter me away from psyches, but just taught me to respect the shit out of them.
I believe the whole experience was directly affected by the SSRI, but the most obvious part was the comedown. I started experiencing some seratonin syndrome symptoms, and just felt so goddamn uncomfortable for probably 20 hours or so after the effects had slowed. I hated life and felt deprived of any and all happiness in life during the whole comedown. It was just terrible. I couldnt find motivation to eat, sleep, watch tv, anything.
This trip is the main reason why I quit my SSRI. I didnt want my other trips to be anything like the negatives of that trip. Just learn from me. Dont mix medications like that with any mind altering substance without doing your own research, and even then be very very cautious.
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