Citation: Someguy. "Acceptance of Life in a Body: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (fumarate) (exp112267)". Erowid.org. Dec 17, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112267
It was a strange day. My partner, A, and I, finished with clients around 2, and decided to begin as soon as they left. I prepared two cups with 4-aco-dmt. I gave her 20mg and me 30mg. While we both had clear intentions for the journey, neither of us were prepared for what would happen. It took very little time to drink our medicine, which was mostly tasteless (except for a bit of a taste from the fumarate). Because we had been fasting (except for some juice and some fruit) since the night before, we were both very hungry.
We ate crackers and hummus. She had some cream cheese too, but I didn’t. The food was delicious. As soon as we were done eating, we felt sleepy. We went to the bed to lay down. I saw beautiful shapes and colors. All very abstract at this time.
How things changed, I could talk about. In a way, I will. But the details really don’t matter. I was confronted with my decisions. I was confronted with the risks I have taken. I was confronted with the frailty of the lifestyle I have chosen, and with loss as a human being in a body on the planet earth. The experience began as cosmic for me, but I was brought very much back to whatever dimension I occupy where I eat, work, fuck, build, break, sleep and procrastinate.
Don’t get me wrong. Even though the experience was from a single point of view, I was tripping balls. My guitar felt like a piece of driftwood. When I wrote, rainbows flew from the page. My partner morphed from a rainbow-colored inter dimensional being to a human to a child to a doll to an infant to a lizard to a cat to a worm to a woman.
I had no idea what was real and what wasn’t. Time stood still while I moved. And I moved and I moved and I moved. I was powered by fear.
Fear, I see now, is a beautiful detail on the surface of love. It is the accountable part. The part where we learn what is really important to us and what is worth fighting for.
I was afraid to lose what I loved. And I loved my family. My partner. My kids. And I had to experience that loss. I went through a very visceral experience of thinking my partner died.
Meanwhile, she was having a complete inter dimensional death trip. She was catatonic. I did all I could to keep her safe and clean her up. But I really, truly, thought I lost her.
My only solace was this “well, I don’t need to call it in right now. There is a chance she’s still alive and it will all be fine later”.
But I had to accept that if she died, I would go to prison. And I did. I didn’t choose to protect myself. I chose to accept the consequences for the tragedy. And I cried. I cried for a long time. And then (maybe 7 minutes later) I checked on her again and she was slightly responsive. I was able to move her to a bed and cover her. Her breathing was stable. And I knew, more than ever, that I loved her.
And fuck what a “self” is. Fuck distinguishing he from I from it from the universe. I have chosen to live a life on planet earth in this social contract of years XXXX-XXXX. And I have chosen to marry my partner and I have chosen to be a parent to our kids. I have chosen a life where I want to be warm, but not hot. Cool, but not cold. I want to be comfortable. But I also want to feel. I want to feel just enough sadness, fear, and anger to appreciate and encourage me to cultivate gratitude, joy, and love. I choose it. I choose this life and I am so grateful for it.
I am so grateful for the people I have and I am ready, more than ever, to jump fully into the game. Not because I’m any more or less important than anything else. But because I can. It’s a gift and I accept.
There were a few key things in my experience. I was anchored to this life by my children and my partner. My spiritual practices were the guideposts that reminded me how to trust and let go.
I had to release everybody as an elemental. My kids were the three elementals and my partner was the masculine archetype. Because I had studied symbols and archetypes, this thought allowed me to let go.
Sadness and fear poured from me. The sadness cleared my limbic system. Acceptance cleared my fear.
It all came back to being a vessel for the heartbeat that I share with my partner.
It was a container. And I faded into complete nothing (for 7 minutes, I guess).
When I came back, I was a gelatinous being—like a protazoa. My heart had to come up before my extremities could open. It came in the shape of a butterfly. When it finally opened, my hands were curled into a Fibonacci spiral. As they began to open my brain was restructuring.
I needed juice and I needed to sit in the bath. It was embryonic. It was a total rebirth.
The anchor was love. Love brought me back.
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