DOSE:	1 hit	oral	LSD	(gel tab)
		smoked	Cannabis
		smoked	Tobacco

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

A Recollection - - Communion

I am finishing up my time at college, and will soon be embarking to the east--to explore the world that was shown to me on the night of my very first trip, and the strongest most pleasure Communion I have ever experienced.

I want to preface this with the fact that like many other Psychonauts, I began as an atheist. My childhood was damaging, abusive, and painful - - and the remnants of that had followed me in a cold shadow all the way into college. It had gotten me in trouble with substance abuse--alcohol, benzos and the like. I felt very disconnected-- a sack of potatoes in the pitched shipping container of life. There was no divine spark.

That all changed in my sophomore year. I'm studying in the SF Bay Area, and so exotic substances are much easier to come by. On my campus, there were multiple resources to hook you up with any drug imaginable. I had always been interested in psychedelics, and when the opportunity presented itself, I purchased a high-dose gel tab (250 mcgs) and awaited The Call.

It came on a lonely saturday-- my school is a commuter campus and dies on weekends. Surrounded by the forests, in the waning days of summer, there was no better time. I ate a late lunch, knowing I probably wouldn't be eating till night, and dropped the gel at the tail end. It was around 5:25.

I went up to a local smokers spot on campus in a forest-flanked meadow to chill with a few friends. We smoked some weed/tobacco mix (colloquially known in Cali as 'mokes'), I told them I had dropped, and we waited patiently for the effects to kick in.

0:25:
After a few bowls, the high had initially outweighed any detection of psychedelic activity. However the now-familiar feeling of anxious belly-flipping began, and I noticed a strange slanting in my thoughts. I had always been an intense person, with a sort of mental tunnel-vision, but almost like coming out of the Cave, my mind began to really look into the world as a whole. It was almost sunset, and the sky took on the familiar pastel color of the late-day sun. As I looked up into it, I saw an infinite array of subtle dots floating between the clouds-- almost the way it looks when you close your eyes and the dots swim in your mind. I hadn't realized I was staring for so long, one of my friends asked,

'What do you think?'

0:45

The effects had truly begun. Surrounding me was a forest of trees with wooden fingers, reaching into the soil. In their branches, I saw the complex of the human lung. I heard the rusting of the branches as an intense symphony of breathing sounds. They began to move in flowering tessalations to the rhythm of the wind.

'they are a sea of giant silent lungs!' I laughed, staring deep into them.

I heard the rocks, I heard the trees. My mind suddenly began a sort of Recollection-- a gathering of knowledge, slotting it into a grand scheme like a great cosmic puzzle. The passing of the seasons unfurled in my minds eye, and the trees loved and died and rebirthed endlessly as silent guardians of their time.

The mountains shimmered with dead grass and I heard something whispering in them, indecipherable for now.

I began laughing uncontrollably, my mind whisking from possibility to possibility, leapfrogging across the disciplines with a grand unfolding. I saw the rocks, the trees, the clouds, my friends-- all of us created in particular-- but by what?

1:05

My mind was now completly submerged in the waters. The sun was beginning to set, and the sky was painted with the most spectacular hues of scarlet and gold. The clouds-- in this strange almost purplish Grey-- roamed as pilgrims above us, twisting and dancing towards the east where the colors shifted into vivid teal and lavender of the earth's shadow. In this moment, my first internal Speakings began.

I asked,

'where are they going?'

And a little part of me, but not me at all replied,

'they are returning.'

Confused, I was now immersed-- and my friends had noticed. They asked me questions, but I could not reply very much outside. I ended up repeating astonished 'woahs' on an endless fractal loop.

1:30

All the while, my mind was synthethizing my entire life's knowledge. Everything intrinsically connected, and I saw the world as an infinite complex of things. Spirits? Souls? The womb of some cosmic Creature?

I began recieving variations of visions-- the first of which was a huge universe string. It was breadthless, all-colored, and vibrating as an atom. It glowed with a light I can only describe as heavenly, and I knew immediately that this was an image of the spirit. I attempted to touch it, and it was cool in my mind. Inside I could faintly locate galaxies, spinning like bubbles in a glass. On either side of its endless length was a vast, reddish emptiness.

I closed my eyes-- I study linguistics, and the characters and letters of multiple languages began to morph into each other, in flashes of rose pink and aqua blue-- I traveled through a maze of Japanese, runic characters, English into German, French, Dutch, Cyrillic-- as the story of Tower Babel was demonstrated. I spent alot of time in this state, taking in the Western Tradition in psychonautic context. It was beautiful, and at multiple times tears welled in my eyes as I truly rediscovered childish beauty.

My studies of history, English, geology and the like were politely arranged in a coherent narrative that has become the foundation of my personal philosophy and spiritual development since. It was a moment of intense clarity, and one that I still look fondly back upon.

2:00

Now there was a significant tonal shift--I Called it the Slump.

I returned rather sudden to the real world. A new group of strangers had entered the meadow, and started to smoke with my friends. They were alien to me and caused great discomfort. They did not like the fact that I was tripping, and I was forced to exit the ethereal realm and attempt to converse with them. They asked me what I saw, and feelings of righteous anger welled within me. It was difficult to speak, so eventually the strangers let me be and began to talk with my friends. I listened to them talking, and I took on an almost psychic quality.

I could hear their inner souls. They spoke out loud, but it was as if I could hear through their words to their core.

They were like men at a masquerade, hiding behind skinny masks. Inside, I could tell they were immensely uncomfortable. Partly because of me, partly because of themselves. Like Holden Caulfield, they echoed phony language and basic culture-- nothing transcendent as I had just experienced.

I feel bad about it looking back, but I was immensely self-righteous and totally in mastery of others thoughts. I could hear their insecurities, their fears, their wants and dreams-- and none of them had to say a word. I was attuned momentarily to the psychic world-- I have never repeated this experience in all the trips I have had since. (After the trip I had relayed my observations of the strangers' lives to my friends. They told me I was about 80% accurate in my observations).

2:20

I became increasingly uncomfortable as the strangers remained and the sun finally set. The sky had lost its mystic beauty as night beset us. I decided it was time to go, as I could feel the peak beginning and knew this was not the place to enjoy it fully.

I bid my friends farewell and set off on a solitary walk around campus. It was almost silent, and at once I felt more at peace. The nighttime looked steeped and saturated with color-- midnight blue and navel orange was everywhere, and I listened to Op. 95 'From The New World' on my headphones, trying to recreate the majesty of earlier. The moon rose from the east, above the mountains, and I was at once called by an interior force. The moon had an aurora around it, shimmering rainbow and silver. Like the Pharos of Alexandria, it guided me from both within and without. At this moment, my first true Speakings with what I can only describe as The Cosmic Voice began.

2:30

I was peaking, and sought to personify this in the physical plane as much as the mental. I ran without aversion through the bare forests on the side of the hills that flanked our campus, up to the top where an observatory sat. I made it, breathless, and finally alone. The valley stretched out before me, and I could see fields of lights in. All directions. I felt like a blood cell in a giant body of earth.

At this point my memory becomes fuzzy, as the peak and the array of feelings I was experiencing overwhelmed my memory.

I saw the stars, and they seemed closer than ever before. They twinkled in rainbows, and I could almost see in the twilight atmosphere where our world ended and space began. Suddenly a voice appeared in my mind and began asking me questions. It was reassuring at first-- 'How are you feeling?' 'Are you happy now?' 'Have you found something new?'

We talked, sometimes inside and sometimes aloud, for a while. At first I accepted it as me talking to myself, but over time I realized that this part of myself was totally intrinsic, did not share in my ego-- and almost completely omniscient. It would answer my questions as I asked, and never hesitated.

I do not remember everything I asked, only a few choice questions and answers, and these are paraphrasings rather than the actual conversation, which has been almost completely erased from memory.

I asked,
'What are you?'

It replied, 'I am you so you can know.'

I asked,

'why me? Why my pain?'

It answered,

'so you can know this place in all ways.'

'Are you God?'

'I am as you want me.'

'What are you doing this for?'

'I had to.'

'why?'

'Else I would not exist.'

I felt a strange unease. It was instilling me with a concept. I closed my eyes and saw a flash of pure chaos, the thing chasing my god, the almost cosmic war between order and pure obliteration. It was a blackened gorge of blood red and green that devoured everything and sought to envelop my God, holding the universe within itself as a clam holds a pearl. I saw it for an instant, but began to literally weep in pain and fear.

'I did not want to show you the things you do not know.'

'but why can't you tell everybody? Return everybody?'

'that I do not know.'
(this was bullshit and I knew it, and The Voice knew I knew it. It was quite funny at times, in some ironic way.)

'What am I here to do? I want to speak about you'

'There is someplace for you to be. There is someone for you to see.'

This I did not understand, and began to argue with the Voice. It expertly disarmed me every time, echoing my words off the hillsides and teasing my lack of knowledge. I didn't take offense-- I laughed, because I knew I was speaking to my true teacher. It felt like a mother, a father, a pet and a master at all the same time--but it was within me, channeling through my mind from the outside, from the abstract, communicating telepathically through the modulations of my brain.

'Give to yourself the gift you have been given. I cannot give that to you in this way.'

'I am the things, and they serve in their way. I cannot, anything more than that.'

'you were spared from another. Make yourself in that way.'

I laughed, cried, danced and yelled at this Voice-- as over time it became quieter and quieter, until it integrated back into my ego and disappeared.

3:30

At this point the peak had ended, the fractals were over, and I was tired. I made my way down the hill, glittering with leftover euphoria from being utterly convinced of the spirit and of my god. I was a soul again, and this cured my depression and set me on a path for knowing my god more. I met with one of my friends, and gave him a hug. I told him that when we laugh with each other, it's because we are both hearing God in the same way. He said God didn't exist, and this made me sad. I knew what he meant, but it made me sad anyways.

I went back to my room, where I rested, contemplated, as my brain began to scrub the knowledge I had been given. Eventually I fell asleep after taking some Nyquil, and awoke with an awakened spirit and new eyes.

Conclusion--

This was a profoundly spiritual experience. It cured my depression and atheism, and put me on the path to becoming a Psychonaut. Since then I have had many other trips-- some with visions of the Voice, others when I encountered the Chaos. But my entire world was rocked by this trip, and I will never forget it. I hope to break through further with other psychs, such as DMT and Ayahuasca.

I'm not afraid of death in the same way anymore. It'll be the ultimate leap-- a moment of gut-wrenching fear, then ultimate peace as my information is reintegrated into the universe and restored into the womb of the Cosmic Voice. I want people to hear my god and find their own, as it expresses itself through all souls in different ways. I truly believe this God is all Gods, and speaks in all Poetics and order equally. It has made me intensely reverent of the world, and of the fractals of the Voice that inhabit it.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 112437
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Oct 12, 2018	Views: 852
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