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The Answer to the Ego Death
LSD
by Trip Daddy
Citation:   Trip Daddy. "The Answer to the Ego Death: An Experience with LSD (exp112459)". Erowid.org. Oct 15, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112459

 
DOSE:
2 hits oral LSD

BODY WEIGHT: 140 lb


My name is Trip Daddy. I found the meaning of the ego death and I would like to share this knowledge.

I started going to music festivals when I was 17. I had tried mushrooms and then quickly started using acid. Acid is everything that it seems. It is beautiful, geometric, and vibey. It is interesting and I quickly fell in love with its wisdom. I had been doing acid for about 6 months, and would progressively learn more and more about the trip.

At festivals, people would take turns spinning poi and tracing glow sticks. I would look at all of these things and just think, “hmm, there is something about the way that light makes me feel”. I was just beginning to understand The Vibe. My crew and I began spinning poi ourselves to trip each other out, and had fun playing with tracers.

One night we began our trip party just as usual with a few of our trip buddies. The acid began to kick in, and we would do the usual game, “pass the vibe”. One person would do one thing with a glow stick, and somebody else would creatively do another thing with their glow sticks. We would flash them into each other’s eyes and show each other the magic. Soon though, the vibes started to turn, and some people began to be a little pushy with the vibe. We were all experienced trippers and were thinking the same thing.
“Do you guys ever feel like...”
“Feel like what!? Say what you were gonna say.”
“No you guys will think I am gay or weird.”
“No we won’t, say it anyways.”
“Do you guys ever feel like this is a....this is a power?”
All at once in one agreement they said, “Yes! We’ve all been thinking this, this whole time, but nobody would say it.”
This opened up Pandora’s Box.

Immediately knowledge began to fill my mind. I was learning that the universe happened in infinite cycles to increase the likelihood of success. With eternity at the universe’s fingertips, the universe would try and try and try to create itself, only to ultimately collapse and wait eternity for the next attempt. The Universe didn’t have to happen. If it didn’t we wouldn’t know it. But it did, so we do.

The next thing I began to realize, is that everything conglomerates. Conglomeration is when a “number of different things or parts are put together to form a whole, but remain distinct entities”. Cells in the body conglomerate into organs that are then specialized into organ systems. Everything groups together to create the next system or entity as a conglomerate whole. Particles do it to create atoms, atoms do it to create molecules, and molecules come to life. If particles conglomerate, molecules conglomerate, and cells conglomerate, wouldn’t it make sense that we do too?
All of a sudden, as if there was wind in the room rushing towards me, like time was finally catching up to itself, the trip itself asked me in the form of a feeling, “Are you sure you are ready?”
“Yes”, I replied. Followed next by, “Oh, shit.”

The floor shot up at me. I laid down and was paralyzed in my body. Looking upward, a void was projected in my field of vision, with the intensity of really being there. I was completely submerged into the trip. But, I wasn’t alone. In the void of nothing, I began to hear arguing. Basically, when the body dies, the mind does not. It exists, and it exists forever. What I was hearing, was like mental warfare. Everybody felt fear about being stuck in the void. We all thought we would be there forever. A few leaders began to speak their mind. Roughly one third of the voices took the stance that basically God would miraculously save us from the void. I remember one saying, “Don’t say anything, God will come save us.” Another one third of the voices took the stance that basically there was no God, and string theory was a product of chance. We would have to wait for eternity until the next Universe’s cycle to reincarnate. “There is no God, there is only string theory”.

I am always the one that says what everyone is thinking, and it was no different during this part of the trip. Everyone knew it, but didn’t want to accept it. I announced in my own thought to the void, filled with these individual sparks of thoughts, “I am God, but I’m not the only one. We are God.” Everybody began to digest it, and all in one agreement we all realized that we were God. If the Universe created itself, than at some point in the whole history of eternity, it would have to have created some form of awareness to eventually realize it is alive. We are the Universe realizing it is alive.

The next thing I knew, I was no longer seeing the projection of the void before me, I simply didn’t exist for a moment. There was a gap between the time that I was seeing and feeling the projection when I had said that solution (still while in my body), and to now, where I was no longer physically in my body but existing again. I was now in the void, not witnessing the void, but a part of a Light Entity. When all of the blue sparks of thought came together in the void, in one beautiful harmony in thought, we conglomerately became a being, and Light was created. It was truly a beautiful idea. With small sacrifice, and working together, light can literally be created in the darkest of places. I was a part of this Light Being now that I had left my body. We were all morphing in and out of each other, and sharing all kinds of memories. Sorry’s were said for hurtful things people did, and forgiveness was easy. We were all not so different. Laughter was heard, and overall rejoicing was happening. What was supposed to be said was said. But we all began to think the same thing at once. Now what? We looked around and there was still nothing but darkness, no points or stars in space to see in front of us. We had waited eternity for this moment, and we all came to the same consensus. All of us had lived pretty good lives, and every story has a beginning and an ending. We all thought these words in harmony, “I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.” Like an old tube TV turning off, we said our final prayer.

I was no longer in the Light Entity. Instead, I was just in a place where there was golden light everywhere, just an individual spirit. I looked up, almost stereotypically like a Joseph Smith photo at the star I was now seeing, because the light was so bright. The star had a personality. He said to me, and directly to me:
“You know what you must do. This is your destiny”. I could feel that I would be persecuted for what I know now. All in this feeling, he warned me of sharing this knowledge to other people, and continued, “It always has been.”
He gave me two missions: Find a girl, and do DMT. Then he placed me back into my body.

The Comedown
“Holy shit guys! Did you guys just go through what I just went through?” Everybody was holding their heads in their laps. Overall awkwardness prevailed the room. It was almost as if somebody had done something very gay to another person. We all felt like something perverted had just happened. But I thought to myself, “I have the science to back it up. I know I’m not crazy, and me telling others that I was God was not a gay thing.”
Everyone said, “Ya we just went through it, but not nearly as deep as you did.” My closest friend I could confide in took me aside, and asked, “What the fuck just happened?” Then he asked, “Are you gay?”

I’ve always been a killer with the ladies, but I never considered myself gay. It seemed to me that when I said I was God, it was like coming out of the closet of divinity. It’s almost a perverted idea. Using my own self to create myself. It would be like me taking my own penis and fertilizing myself to make myself. “I know I’m right, and my solution to the problem had nothing to do with being gay,” I thought to myself.

My mother came and picked me up from said location. Prior to my plea that I was too sick to go to church, my mother made me go to church. Yes, going to church while on acid. It is not an experience I would really recommend to anyone, especially having just proved that you are God.
“Brother Fisher, how are you today,” as a hand to shake came from nowhere.
“Uh- Just peachy,” as my blank white face arose.
I mustered myself through that grueling event, and finally made it home. I still couldn’t sleep however. I had already been up since the day before, all throughout the night, and now it approached the evening. This became a problem, because I still couldn’t get restful sleep for the next 3 months.

This made me start to question what was going on with me. I couldn’t sleep, could hardly eat, and felt like I constantly had to fidget or do something. My comprehension level had slipped dramatically.
I couldn’t sleep, could hardly eat, and felt like I constantly had to fidget or do something. My comprehension level had slipped dramatically.
I would read the same sentence 10 times, and would still pull my hair out trying to comprehend it. I began to realize the similarities between me and a robot. The only difference between me and a robot, was that a robot doesn’t have free agency. Free Agency. That’s an interesting idea.

I began to slip more and more, and became a black hole of depression. I wanted to open up about my experience, but risked being persecuted or shamed by my family. Even worse I was worried that somebody would turn me in or tell a schoolboard member. The curiosity of what happened to me would never go away.

Dosing Again
I continued to dose after that, and it increasingly got worse. I started to fear getting stuck in a trip, and was worried that I would control people’s minds if I got stuck in a trip. This fear kept growing in me, until one night I saw Satan pointing his finger and laughing at me as I was stuck in a trip like a repeating broken record: HAHA-HAHA-HAHA for eternity. Fear can cause your fears to magnify, and this only made things worse. After that, I could no longer trip on LSD without having fear in my heart. I kept degrading more and more, and I attempted suicide. I knew this was the time to quit taking acid.

You see, when something is falling into a black hole, when that object approaches the event horizon, it falls so fast that space loops back in time. There, you are stuck in a loop, for what feels like an eternal length of time, almost like in a glitch. Stuck on repeat, over and over and over. But, it doesn’t take eternity. And when you are seeing this, your brain has enzymes that will break it down, it is just a lesson to learn. The concept is an eternal concept, because the Universe is eternal. It is no coincidence time behaves the way it does next to a black hole, and the physics we have as I am writing this. After all, we have come from a singularity so it is no surprise to the Universe how a black hole behaves. I enjoyed thinking past this knowledge, and I knew that this was for me to share to with others. During my time of reflection during sobriety, after understanding the God theory, and the relativity of space and time next to a black hole, I still wondered about one thing. Was that really Satan pointing at me, or was that just the acid affecting the neurons in my brain chemistry? That answer is not an easy one. In fact, when I learned about the God Theory, and time dilation next to a black hole, I had to begin to fight back against Satan as he waged war on me. He tried a series of tactics. One of them was to place a “No Thinking Policy” on my head. I had to learn to meditate to visualize light to push him away. He would push harder, and I would feel like I was suffocating. He obviously had a thing for lack of free agency, and wanted to convince me that I could get everybody stuck in a trip if I did DMT. You see everything has DMT in it, even plants. So if everything is connected through DMT, one effector could affect all of them. That use to be a very scary idea. I was conditioning my power, and was no longer afraid to control my thoughts, using rippling light as my meditation tool.

I decided to go to another festival and do shrooms and had a beautiful experience. I had had an epiphany earlier before coming to the festival that light is dimensionless. One way to think about this is to imagine the smallest and lightest particle ever. Now imagine one particle that is smaller and lighter than that one. When I was shrooming, I applied this idea in the opposite direction. No matter how high I could stack blocks, there would always be one thing to stack on top even higher. This was later told to me to be a confundalism. Think of it this way, “who is the God of God?” “Well God.” “And who’s his God?” “God”. “And His?” “God.” This is the idea of infinity, but adding one to the end of it. I was finally able to allow myself to believe in a Creator with this new knowledge.

In my previous acid trip, I had disproved the existence of an all-powerful God. The Universe created itself. He literally could have held a billboard saying, “Hi, I’m God.” And I would have said, “No you’re not, there is no God. There is only nothing. We came from nothing, and we return to nothing.”

But now, I had found out this wonderful new piece of knowledge- the confundalism. And just like that God entered my trip. I reasoned with myself, “If somebody with a long beard, long hair, and sandals walked up to me at a festival and said, hey my name is ______.” I would say, “Hey, nice to meet you, sit down and drink some wine with us.” So why should it be any different if I did this to Jesus, if he were meeting me. I started to vibe with Jesus, and believe it or not, it was the first time I fully and wholeheartedly accepted the possibility of there being a God. I had been forced to go to church my whole life, but never entertained the thought that there really is someone higher than me. This put tremendous weight off my shoulders, ‘God Jr.’ I could relate to him in many different ways, such as the pressure of feeling like I am holding the card that determines the fate of the Universe. I had now happily given up that tremendous responsibility, and a great weight had been irrevocably lifted.

I came down, and I continued to vibe with Jesus, this new friend that had became a close companion. I remember him telling me, “It helps to talk”, when I felt guilty about “taking his glory the moment I became God”. I didn’t know what I did during my acid trip, but it helped to know that God had it handled, and even in the long run, I still feel like I did the right thing at the right time. Those four simple words, “it helps to talk” have sculpted me into the character that I am today. I could open up to him about Satan and how he would literally try with only one purpose and goal: to end my life. Jesus could relate to that as well. We began to build a friendship, and I look forward to the day I see an old friend. We sure have had our times where I have invented new cuss words and hateful phrases to say to him. He didn’t completely take away my burdens with the nonstop torment of Satan, but he did take away the burden that these knowleges that had been inflicted on me, that 1.) I was God 2.) I could get stuck in a trip, and 3.) I could have my mind controlled or could control other’s minds. I have new confidence with me, and I know that I don’t have to worry anymore. I am not a God, but I may be a part of God, just as every grain of sand makes the beautiful beaches. I will not get stuck in a trip, because the mathematics of black holes are child’s play for Jesus. And I won’t have my mind controlled, because God gives free agency, and this is Universal Law.

I still have yet to decide if I will do DMT. I do not want to try it when I am rushed or have plans ahead of me. I will no longer take acid, as it only makes my brain hurt more than it helps
I will no longer take acid, as it only makes my brain hurt more than it helps
(personal preference). I talk to Jesus every day, even while I am taking a fat bong rip at times. Hiddle and hum, but we at least still have a relationship. I forgave myself for the things that I had done, and will be taking strides to get me closer to the light. I found the love of my life, and she brightens up my day with her sunshiney smile. We have a son, and I can see why Destiny has brought us together. He is a brilliant boy, and the greatest creation that a man and a woman can accomplish together, when their hearts are in it.

No I am not telling you to believe in Jesus. I really don’t care what you believe- it doesn’t affect me at all. I do believe in science, and can see certain views in religions. But one thing I do know is this: if I try DMT, the Universe won’t come to a sudden collapse. After all, every new beginning comes from another beginning’s end.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 112459
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 17 
Published: Oct 15, 2018Views: 1,191
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LSD (2) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Post Trip Problems (8), Mystical Experiences (9), Various (28)

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