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It Teaches Me to Be
Citation:   Waffers. "It Teaches Me to Be: An Experience with 2C-B (exp112595)". Dec 11, 2018.

T+ 0:00
18 mg oral 2C-B  
  T+ 2:35 6.6 mg insufflated 2C-B (liquid)
2C-B Teaches Me to Be

5:25 PM , 18mg 2C-B

Will do this in a bit of an odd format, the note followed by my memory of the experience near the note. Seems the most convenient.

Took a measured amount 18mg 2C-B hcl, I have an extensive history of psych use in the past include LSD, Al-Lad, 4-ho-mipt, MDMA. Mostly many many LSD trips, so I didn't think the dose of 2C-B I was taking should be a problem whatsoever. No prior experience with 2C-B. BF and I decided to stay in our bedroom in our apartment throughout the entire experience.

“t+0: Was kind of nervous to take the dose, but I was really really excited for this experience up to swallowing. All better now but those jitters are real. Brrrr
Listening to music and just chatting to people on Discord, while my BF plays Warframe. He decided to dose ~11mg? 3mg nasal 8mg oral. He doesn't like trippy things as much as me”

I was a little tired leading into this experience with 3.5 hrs of sleep the night before, I was just way too excited and honestly couldn’t sleep until way into the morning. I was worried this would effect the trip, I wasn’t sure how stimulating it’d be.

Initially I was a bit disoriented, in that way that psyches generally disorient me as I adapt to find new ways to look at things.
Initially I was a bit disoriented, in that way that psyches generally disorient me as I adapt to find new ways to look at things.
I want to say that relatively quickly my default mode for seeing the world started to shut down?

“T+15: Kind of feeling a shift in the way I’m feeling my body. Kind of a warmness or tingling, I think. I’m starting to feel the music I’m listening to, but it’s also music I really really like. “My imagination wants to see the vivid colors of reality~””
I really love New Order (though the song in specific quoted would be by Electronic, but Bernard Sumner was the vocalist of both bands so I consider them equal in effect some way), there was this sense of something familiar and warm entering me on hearing my favorite band come up. There was this instant tangential web of associations that sprung from hearing the song and all the instances I had heard it. There was a dread that all the song would ever be would be the way I have heard it before, that something emergent and lush could never color the melody the same way I heard it before, when I needed to hear it. This made me anxious because it’s not something I know how to answer so much, how do you make something new again? I think that’s part of my fascination with psyches. There were glitters of the seeds of the new ways the songs could hit me.

“T+30: Less of a euphoria feeling really and just looking at things a little different. Having a conversation and I see I become a lot more mechanical or straightforward about it than in the ways I normally do things. Little bit of disorientation but I’m sure it’s just setting in more.”
I was talking on the /r/drugs Discord for a lot of the comeup, I noticed more and more that sense of my default mode of thinking shut down. I guess a way of explaining it is that in my head there’s a series of timers or metronomes that go off to say check this, or check this against that, or attempt to draw this relation periodically and see if it passes some test, all in this intuitive-thinking way, but slowly those systems started to glitch or go dark and I was left more with initial intuitions of things, the feel of my body and the atmosphere of the room I was in with my bf. Like my awareness was going from being me and the life I have lived, to being the life I live tonight, like the conscious energy was being rerouted and diverted here by a type of miracle.

“T+56m: I’m experiencing a lot but it is harder to put into words right now. Will do shorter notes.”
I started to be so consumed with the texture of the blanket I was on, the music, and general atmosphere, that caring or shifting my attention to making generalizations or attaching some label to a thing felt too tedious or like too much conscious deliberation when I could just experience the thing in full, there and then. There was an anxiety about writing notes down and a type of fixation on the act of observing my trip and in my mind I could see a type of graph or plot of how this thought would feed into that system of metronomes and force it to consume awareness and attention and become a thing in itself. In the act of trying to label the experience or cognize how to describe it to others while experiencing it, it had looped back in on itself. What was it I was trying to experience, to convey to others? What was the substance of the *substance*? In my mind this observation reflected back and forth into itself until it fed into a little hole of nothing and all of my experience was nothing except what was, without the opportunity for the “vivid colors of reality” to emerge. I decided it would be much, much better if I just experienced the experience to the full, try to jot notes, and recollect it to the best of my ability.

There was a lot of tangential thinking that consumed me for a little about the role of memory, when it is we compile our memory, and when we decide to apply a narrative to an experience we have. When we’re in the actual act of experiencing a thing, we’re not really executing judgment. In normal waking moments, it’s kind of a juggling act between being conscious of something, and then being conscious of consciousness of and it deciding what is the most consistent story for the way you have been. I remember a brief flitter of panic where I thought, “When will I know how to feel about this if I can’t tell myself where it fits in my life!?, a type of panic that during this comeup allowed me to verbalize and be most conscious of that thought for me to see in myself that I don’t want to live a life where I have a habit of telling myself stories about how I should feel, that the experience should always flow naturally from you, and that for now to best do that for myself I needed to just try to stop observing it detached. Partially why the note is so short.

Considering that my next note is nearly a solid 3 hrs after this one, you can tell a lot happened. BF started to feel his dose as well and decided to get off his game and I didn’t really realize it until I was in contact with him how much it was I wanted him. Where before I was really content with the blankets, and music, and on my own momentum to just listen to it, the whole mindset changed when I was really exposed to him, the closeness of skin and the heat, and him gazing at me. Something in me completely shifted gears from what was almost a kind of sedated headspace into this encompassing empathy and being filled with the awareness of him and an energy.

I won’t really get into the specifics, but we spent a lot of time together intimately, feeding off of each other’s energy and perfectly reading each other. It was this amazing flow state between us, with no particular goal except for the other and this intuition of the way our bodies should be, the way we should be. My playfulness was in overdrive and I knew all the right notes to hit to make him so, so happy. Like little bursts of inspiration, in whatever the next moment held I’d remember the way he’d like something or I’d get a response and just know a way to move or what to say. My sensitivity was through the roof and every touch of my body … was absolutely perfect, and not just in the pleasure of the touch but in being touched by my partner it was a part of us holistically being together. The touch and its pleasure is just one part of the act of us being together, where the touch comes from his hand, with a certain intention and feel, with him directing his awareness at me, not phased away in the mind but in an absolute connection with each other in something that really made it feel like we were one, then. After some time we cuddled some more as we started to get physically exhausted / feel a lot more satisfied in the oneness of being with each other.

At about T+2hrs 35m: I redosed 6.6mg by the insufflated spray after gauging out the peak of the substance at this dose. While an amazing substance that gave me a lot of energy and altered my thinking, I had minimal visuals and very much wanted to explore a trippier / deeper side of the 2c-b, as my dose was definitely on the lower end of the spectrum, along with concerns it was partially effected by a residual psych tolerance from the week before.

Mk1 of my nasal spray burned like an absolute bitch, no simple way to put it. It needed to be much more dilute than it was, I had it far too concentrated, but that’s a concern that’s been remedied in the Mk2 developed as of this report (aren’t I just a wonderful scientist). Immediately this launched me into the onset of effects again and a type of disorientation, looking vaguely at the ceiling and seeing the visuals of this substance kick into gear. The parts of me that would qualitatively judge the experience immediately got shut down once again in similar fashion and it simply was and very quickly things stopped being what I could call an intelligible series of observations of my own mind.

Every single sense, it felt, became hyper amplified, and there was this sense I could ‘feel’ each sense. Of course you feel each sense! But it was this profound type of feeling each sense where I felt I could feel every nuanced detail or graduation of the senses. For sound, I could feel out a melody or tone or pitch in its perfectness and that feeling of that sense could occupy the whole of my consciousness, I could feel and absolutely be that thing in that microscopic sense. This was accompanied by very intense visuals and swirling patterns that in my mind I came to know as a type of visual / “whatever sense” synesthesia, where the visuals would become a representation of the experience of a thing that was the whole of my awareness (this however did feed on itself in a horrifying way when I became aware of this very thing and the visuals themselves in it’s own self awareness, kind of like some infinite mirror, began fractally shifting into itself. I’d redirect my awareness in these cases as I did not so much want to explore the level of mindfuck that generally opens for me).

I quickly became nigh-catatonic cuddling my bf as every sense was simply through the roof and it seemed to me that this about something I could only observe for a while, until the water settled in a comfortable way to move and be about. I fixated for a long time on the burning in my nostrils and wanted to desperately convey an analogy in my mind to my bf at the time I couldn’t hold onto very long, this simple idea that people in pain from one thing often express it into the world a different way as their means of communication even if it’s non-direct and strange. I was thinking of a grumpy man with some injury who was externally abrasive, but really it was him being in pain because of one thing or another physically, something that could be solved if he had the wherewithal to get straight to it or identify it in himself.

It took about -15 minutes after dosing for me to be able to be a bit more coherent and realize that the whole mindfuck of me trying to follow and communicate this analogy to its end was just me trying to say, “My nose burns and I don’t like the playlist we’re on right now”. For whatever reason my own mind decided to do exactly that error of communication and try to fully flesh out some analogy to communicate instead of just changing the music or trying to use an extra saline nasal spray I had nearby to clear the burn from my nose.

Everything was still in overdrive but I had more coherency after about 15 minutes and was able to move, things were very, very trippy. My sense of self was continually collapsing in on itself and I’d lead myself around one bend in my mind to discover an attachment I have irrationally, this sudden dissolution and uncertainty of who I am if I don’t have a story to tell myself. The anxiety was probably mostly a result of the unpleasant burning and not actually me being in much distress, because it didn’t take very long for me to get over having ‘a story of my life’ and ‘just be’ for the remainder of the trip
it didn’t take very long for me to get over having ‘a story of my life’ and ‘just be’ for the remainder of the trip

I drank some water and my bf got up to play a game he would end up playing the rest of the night and I’d be left to my own devices. I laid on the bed longer to get lost in everything, the blanket, the music, and intense closed eye visuals that took on very very bright neon colors, in the very same fashion of the synesthesia I spoke of previously, where curves or lines or geometry would come to represent a type of geometry of the way I experience a thing. I became more and more soothed as my anxiousness was leaving me and there was just this euphoria and energy and sense of connection with my environment. At this time I felt I was starting to have a type of epiphany, that there is a lot of stimuli I normally block out and there are A LOT of things I could really slow down to appreciate, direct my full attention towards. That there were some things in some weird way I would ‘numb’ myself to in daily life, but in this state I could feel and experience even the unpleasant things and find them beautiful, every nuance and groove of its being in my being.

“T+3:35m: Redosed 6.6mg? from my spray 1 hr ago. Comeup was intense and it hit very fast. The burn was very unpleasant though and it was hard not to focus on the burn. Grumpy man. Sedated”
Was finally able to sit up and try to use the computer. Definitely not clearheaded, I felt I really ought’ to take a note here if I ever wanted a chance to write this trip report and recollect on it. Thank goodness I did, even pulling this document up to put the note in was an ordeal. And then trying to qualitatively describe it while in it!? Impossible. I had just made a commitment to myself not to make that sin of comparison for this night!

I wrote sedated since things hit me very hard and I felt very little desire to move my body. There was this sense that deciding to do something was basically impossible, that I should watch what happens. Visuals at this point included an absolute warping of my entire field of vision and the moment I actually got on the computer, a visual effect got instantiated immediately where every color in the spectrum of colors would get mapped to another one and shift across the hue of a ‘neon-rainbow’. I could make things out still, as things were still “them” and by contrasts or breaks in gradient, but if I was asked what color something ACTUALLY was, I would be absolutely unable to give an answer well for the next hour and a half after this.

“T+4hrs: Managed to eat, starting to have a little more clarity and ‘anchored’ feeling. Talked a lot on Discord. I’m feeling a lot prismatically right now. “
I jumped on Discord because I wasn’t too much sure whether I wanted to lay down to music more and explore this or see what it felt like to talk in this state. I also felt like there were a lot of people who would be interested in seeing whatever it is I experience or whatever way I display myself while on this substance and this idea of exposing that vulnerable state to everyone there made me happy. The second I jumped in and actually ‘initialized’ all of those systems in my brain to actually convey an experience or communicate with another and everyone asked me how I felt, there was this intense wave over love over my body and across my vision I felt the color of that love wash all over the monitor and into me. Visuals here were much more mechanical / electric and it felt like maybe surges of ‘electrical’ love if that makes sense.

I wrote down prismatically and I think what I meant by this is that at the time, I felt I was seeing everything from every perspective I could see it at each instant, or in its “colourless” form. A thing was either a thing taken from one perspective, or it was simply things without qualitative judgment. In short spans of time I could feel amazed or feel fear depending on the perspectives that would wash over me, all perspectives that are a part of ‘me’, but normally reserved for different circumstances. In the same way I suppose my visual spectrum was being mapped in this strange way, a part of me responsible for mapping the perspective I see things in was continually shifting. To dedicate myself to holding one perspective constant so I could interface with the world functionally and issue a proclamation of some judgment (e.g. simply saying, “Hey guys I’m feeling pretty tripped out right now :3”) was a monumental feat of swimming through my own consciousness and finding the damned buttons that say, “don’t interpret this thing in literally every single way, thanks. Feel free to run amok with everything else, that’s cool”.

“T+5hrs: Talked A LOT on Discord about a lot of different topics. I felt my self dissolve over and over again and attuned to something more. This intense connection. Both frightening in reflection and when passing through it, a breath of fresh air. I kinda wish I was listening to music?”
At this point was an absolutely amazing hour being on Discord and listening to my music. It was an amazing mixture of being a part of the music and feeling this sense of connection with people in the room who weren’t judging me. We were jumping from topic to topic and of course the topic of god got brought up. Tripping this thought would normally terrify me, I don’t like fucking with the idea too much because the idea is a powerful thing in my mind and opens doors for weird transformations in my world to occur. But, bouncing the ways I thought off of others gave me a reflection of the world that really rekindled a sense of oneness. Over the course of the conversation I felt my perspective shift, I was no longer terrified of the idea of God but instead saw God as the force the flowed through my Self. I am this consciousness and there is this energy, which flows through me and blesses me with Awareness, and Illuminates whatever it is I am. I could see that spotlight and my self as independent, in a way, that whoever it I am, that’s just the lens for me to be and any massive permutation of things could have led to that lens that colours this reality (including this obviously internally created model of precisely this process of things which exist as a part of reality so are in turn a colour of reality to be illuminated by said lens.) Like, this sense that there is a flashlight and I’m nothing more than whatever series of curvatures and colors exists on the front end of that flashlight to enable to shine a special light on the world and to in turn Be that world.

Repeatedly I’d find myself tripped up in chat, in trying to talk, but in coming to acceptance of the above, it became playful. I had nothing to be afraid of, nothing to lose, because I just was. And so was everyone else there, they were too, just different forms and in a weird way I saw the chat as One in that sense that the very same light is flowing through them as me, and a sense communion with them over this knowledge that reaffirmed my desire to always try to understand others. An extreme sense of empathy had most definitely set in.

“T+6hrs: More talking on Discord. Lots of weird back and forth talking, normal kinda trippy thoughts and conversation. Not the deeper level of it but surface level stuff”
I found myself at this point in a type of relief and going over all of the ideas that have been explored and my own sense of acceptance of everything that went on in the trippy experiences I had, and I felt like I was able to just be ‘in the flow’ with other people, talking and riffing from whatever sources of inspiration and intuition, with an unafraidness to express myself and what it was I was thinking, or in to entertain someone elses view or take their emotions into me so I could be more than just Me.

“T+7hrs: Talking in vc on discord with two friends, kinda wired and all over the place, talking to everyone. Maybe doing it so much so I don’t give any one thing enough attention. Feel guilty”
While I was really enjoying myself in the chat and the voice chat, I was definitely on the comedown and I felt I was more ‘wired’ than I was in any particular state. Like, maybe, being a bit frazzled, but still enjoyable. The anxieties of earlier didn’t trouble me but the time was characterized by me not giving my full attention to a thing. My theory for this is that as I started to come down more, those default ways my mind works started coming back into gear, those metronomes, etc, and I just started loading on all of the timers again excessively in a rebound from them being gone and overloaded myself in a desire to do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, talk to each person, listen to my music, so that ultimately things became a holistic combination of these things but not characterized in any particular way. In the future with this substance I think I will be more careful to temper myself and make sure I am only doing one thing at a time, or give solitary time with music another go to see what places my mind would journey.

This is definitely a chemical for connecting with other people as all I felt a desire to do was be with other people and experience who it was they were
all I felt a desire to do was be with other people and experience who it was they were
, to see what color their experience was and to share in it, as it was for them, and to project myself into the world too because I felt it so, so important to put myself out in the world rather than choose to be alone in this hyper connected state where I felt that primordial sense of one-ness.

I found that two songs really stood out for me in this experience, the one I heard earlier in the experience:
Electronic – Vivid
And New Order – Singularity
In Vivid, I just resonate so deeply with all of the lines in the lyrics of the song, especially the first few lines.
“My imagination wants to see
The vivid colours of reality
There's a place out there beyond my grasp
A revolution in a looking glass~”

I want to see reality, in all of its brilliance and hues and different experiences and always, always I see in these psyche experiences that at any moment you can have a complete upheaval of *what was* in your life, and replace it with something new. I was terrified at the start of the trip that this was the ‘same-old’ song, but no, it’s not, I just made it second-best to my experience of the world. I said at some point, subconsciously, “I’ve heard this song a hundred times, now I don’t ever need to really hear it”. All I needed was to sit down and give it my full attention and watch as new feelings and old feelings emerged together in the song I know I love and resonates with me.

For Singularity, I just feel this intense feeling of communion and love that I wish I could convey to others in my being that partially characterized the experience.
“And all I wanna do
Is make the right impression
The instrument of truth
A soldier with no weapons
I care so much for you
I'd crawl a thousand miles
Through deserts full of sand
My love in every land”

There’s just such brilliance in these lyrics and I see / feel them different every time I hear the song. To me, what comes to mind is someone who just wants to be in your heart, make the right impression so that they can communicate themselves as they are to you, and show you truths of the world as they know them. Not truth with a capital T, Truth, but that other one that’s just so fundamental to each and every one of us in a particular way. A soldier who just wants to get past the violence and miscommunication and establish a connection, past the violence of the ways we communicate and misunderstandings, so that that infinite well of love that exists in me and exists in so many of us can be drawn. When you just have this infinite sense of compassion to draw upon, what is crawling through a thousand miles, when someone else finally gets to draw on the well you found, the particular way you see the world or even just in the sharing of our moments of time together?

Exp Year: 2018ExpID: 112595
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Dec 11, 2018Views: 10,683
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2C-B (52) : First Times (2), Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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