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The Great Flood of Emotions, July 11th
Citation:   Happy Jack. "The Great Flood of Emotions, July 11th: An Experience with MDMA (exp11291)". Erowid.org. Jul 16, 2019. erowid.org/exp/11291

1 tablet oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
    smoked Unknown  
Evening of July 11th, 2001

We had all been talking about it for much time, perhaps a year prior. Finally, and quite on the spur of the moment from my perspective as well, we were “good to go.”. I arrived by way of my mother at the house that Shane was house-sitting for the week, in which he had thrown a smaller gathering of buddies that prior Monday.

We headed first to a 7-11 for money (20 bucks) and an Aquafina. We met Jared at a coffee shop, where he took the money and invited Kelly to ride with him to pick up the stuff. Soon, back at the house, we were met with Evan and his two friends, named Dan and Junior. We were happy also to hear, when Kelly arrived back with Jared, that he would be joining us for the evening as well. The only problem that we all foresaw was that the two friends, Dan and Junior, were not going to be on e, rather, they would be merely drunk – respectable unto itself, yet not close to our experience. We had decided, the three of us – Daria, Shane and I – that we did not want their presence while we were on e The would not feel the love, and we didn’t want those bad vibes and such, so we tried, in vain on a weak approach to lead them away. Since Evan was with them, he would have to leave as well, which was not an option.

Well, we took received the pills outside on the porch in tiny Ziploc bags. Mine, I suppose all of ours, were blue (white specks I recall – the normal pill, mixture, quality of color) with what we had much trouble deciphering what it was exactly on our pills. A bird of some sort? Batman? Jared: Who cares, take the pill!

I stood inside with the Aquafina bottle, used by everyone that evening, held the pill, drank the water first to Jared’s surprise and Kelly’s agreement, took the pill in my mouth and swallowed it. “Oh well, too late now, right?” I said to Kelly. She was so supportive of my questions and needs as a first-time user. We sat in the living room, waiting for it to take effect, all the while I was a bit nervous, as was Daria, fortunately, with whom I could share my feelings. We went out on the deck, to smoke –everybody there was a smoker minus me. I thought at one point I felt in kicking in, as the breeze blew past my bare legs and the tingling lasted for a long time. Daria gave me a wonderful back massage to ease it in, hopefully, which I believe it did to some extent. Along with the massage, someone gave me a hand massage, Shane I believe, with Vick’s VapoRub.
At this point I stood up, for no particular reason, and - whew- the head rush gripped me. I spoke out, “Holy shit I‘m high!” The others smiled as I sat right back down to receive a more intense back rub to ease it in further. The others, except for Jared had it kick in before me. First Shane, who it hit hard, had his eyes open more as he was coming up. Daria and Kelly were both feeling it too, as was Evan who left with his friends shortly after taking it, and returned completely high. Jared and I both were “into it,” with the others, but were waiting for the flood of emotion.

After this initial feeling we went on to the deck, we returned inside, went to the kitchen and talked. Now, the next hours are somewhat unclear in my mind as to the perfect sequence of events, but bear with me as I recall the moments that standout in my mind. As we stood in the kitchen, and before the stronger rush kicked in, although of course I did not know that what I was feeling was not the true e feeling, we all crowded together. A minute earlier, Shane, Evan, and I had hugged in the living room and spoke of our social group next year – how it was up to us, and Will of course, who we missed right then. Also before the kitchen all the e-takers gathered in the bathroom. We all put our hands in the sink, filled up with water. It felt so good to have my hand in there with everybody else’s – sort of a connection with everyone else. Evan suggested saving the water for obvious purposes - how it contained so much love. Then on to the kitchen. We all stood together and hugged, feeling so great about one another. My unadulterated joy (what I assumed was the full reaction to the drug) quickly turned to a feeling of despair. Not utter despair, mind you, but rather a jealousy almost, that everyone else was feeling so good and right then I was not. I saw all the connections being made and I was not part of it at that moment for some reason. This was, of course, all in my mind, as everybody was saying my name just as much as anybody else and no special emphasis paws being placed on any one person.
I stepped out of the circle and leaned against the counter, looking at everyone together. I feared for myself – my mind and my trip. I was so afraid for a minute or two that I was going to have a bad trip. People looked over at me and asked me to join the circle again, but I said No. I was sort of scared that they didn’t want me. That’s how I felt, at least, apart from their offers. I must have picked up some vibe that wasn’t, or perhaps was, there. I leaned against the counter there for a while, maybe 5 minutes or so. Apart from trying to convince myself that everything was fine, I was simply trying to control my mind which felt so fast at that point. There seems to always be that point with drugs and me – the point where I realize I’m feeling different that normal and to let it go.

My mind seems to be pretty strong with drugs. Like with pot occasionally I can’t really get high because I realize everything that is going on and it won’t really take effect. I’ve noticed it helps to want to get high. It ushers in the feeling, and once it’s there, once you’ve felt it that night, it’s there.

This feeling soon subsided, never to return (thank god). What followed was my high-of-highs. One of the many ‘most-memorable’ moments of the night, if not my life (just because of the connections I made, for which now I am a different person… friend-wise), occurred then. Everybody moved out of the kitchen except Kelly and I. Not by chance (I would hope at least) we had this time to share feelings. To be honest, I don’t think the drug really took a hold of me in that I talked to her in the way I would. I’m sure it had an effect on what I said, how I said it, and most likely much of the content was warped. But the earnestness with which I said it, and what I basically had to say, was to happen at some point anyway. I’m just glad I had the chance to let it “all” out.

I grabbed her upper arms, feeling so “connected” to her. At that time, holding her really made a difference to me. I was ushering in my feeling snot only through my words, but also through the hands and above all the eyes. We spoke for maybe 15 minutes, most of which time was spent by me rambling on and on about how I was feeling, and how this would affect me in the future. As I’ve said, this was the most elevated point of my high, and I am thankful that I was able to share it with a girl such as Kelly. I asked her at one point, “Why can’t I feel like this all the time? Something to that effect at least. It was rather drawn out I’m sure. The reason I’m so thankful she was the one I decided to share that with, and that she was right there when I was coming to that potentially dangerous realization, is that she directed me on the right path to mental well-being after the trip. She told me that the feeling was only temporary, that it would be impossible to feel like this all the time. It made me think, right there and the, about how to use the feeling that I was feeling right then to affect my daily life. More was spoken of, the details of which I can’t recall. Point is: I am so incredibly glad Kelly had the right things to say to me, and forever I’ll be grateful. I fear I could now be fucked-up, unhappy, and have had a terrible time readjusting. The fact that I am a sound-minded person plays a role in the effect that I don’t regard myself as having the potential for bad trips (yes, even on e, realizations I think could be dangerous), and being altered in a bad way forever afterward. Kelly, tough, pushed me along correctly.

After that “high-of-highs” with Kelly, in the kitchen, we rejoined the rest of the group in the living room. The rest of the night, presumably (as I don’t recall specifics), was filled with discussions between the group as a whole. We, at one point, toward the beginning actually, filled a Ziploc bag with Vick’s Vapo- Rub. We would breathe it in deeply, down into our lungs. The sensation of breathing it so deeply would translate it into going into all of my body. It was amazing how I could just feel this great, cool, flavored, sensation all over my body. Only on e.

The evening ended, from my point of view, with the couples (Kelly and Jared, Daria and Shane) retiring to separate bedrooms. Evan, Dan, and Junior left at some point. I slept on the couch in the living room. It was a great feeling as I lay there, thinking about a lot of different parts of my life. I purposely thought of all the girls I knew, just to see how I would think about them in that state of mind. I thought about my future, near and far, and felt so content about everything. I lay there, looking out the window, up to the stars, knowing tat everything would be alright, and that I could re-create such a good feeling in my normal life, now that I knew how it felt.

I woke up alone. Soon, Shane came down to check on the dog. Daria woke up next, then Jared, then Kelly. We all went out to the front porch and had a smoke… just to talk about things and end the amazing trip. My mother eventually came to pick me up. I had breakfast out with her (my treat… see, I felt so happy about everything). And for the next few days, I felt so content with the world on a large scale and my surroundings. When I felt like I was unhappy about something, I almost felt guilty for feeling that way. It was wonderful, and I felt so pure – like my mind was meant to be satisfied.

Exp Year: 2001ExpID: 11291
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 16, 2019Views: 713
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MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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