Citation: HOH. "Eventually It Got Dark: An Experience with Methoxetamine & Deschloroketamine (exp112940)". Erowid.org. Mar 19, 2019. erowid.org/exp/112940
You've Been Warned
What you are about to read is nothing I am proud of but in the interest of harm reduction over saving myself embarrassment, I present to you details of my dissociative abuse.
I suffer from an injury that occurred many years ago while snow boarding through a storm of epic proportions. Over time my injury deteriorated and I experienced more and more pain as time passed. Eventually I went to a pain management clinic to get the help I needed. I spent over a decade consuming 40-60mg of hydrocodone and 2-3g of acetaminophen per day. I began to notice how numb I was emotionally and something had to change.
In 2013 I read the Vice article many are familiar with, ďAn Interview with a Arylcyclohexamine ChemistĒ. I was able to relate to some of the content in the article and despite having only used ketamine a handful of times, I decided to try the novel drug this gentleman had created. I ordered his creation, methoxetamine (MXE) from a chemical plant in China where I have a connection who supplied me the dissociative for a mere 10$ a gram.
When the MXE arrived I had an idea of what the drug was going to be like based on experience reports that were being published throughout the net but my expectations were surpassed 10 fold after I took 50mg. I spent the day on Drugs-Forum trying to chat with friends who had been praising the drugís positive properties for weeks. My vision was so distorted I often zoned off while watching the emojiís bounce about the screen.
Due to the truncal ataxia I was experiencing, I had a hard time walking. I remember laughing my ass off as I tried to navigate without the assistance of the walls in my apartment. None of the intoxicating effects mattered, as I was pain free. Without hesitation I ordered an ounce the next day and before I knew it one ounce turned into a pound over the course of the next few years as I lived in a near constant state of disassociation which I managed to function under.
The day came when MXE was banned in China and boy was I depressed and worried I was going to have to go back to hydrocodone to live in comfort. Before I ran out of MXE my connection offered me deschloroketamine (DCK), explaining it is a fine replacement to methoxetamine.
MXE had made life interesting and adventurous. Unemployment can get very depressing but MXE seemed to act as an anti-depressant and my girlfriend who I lived with at the time noticed a positive change in me in that regard. In my mind, doing a line before getting out of bed in the morning was akin to a morning cup of coffee. In hindsight, that rationale is deeply flawed as coffee actually gets you out of bed. A few too many times I found myself spending hours stuck in bed before standing up. If DCK was anything like MXE, I would be alright.
I decided to order some and once it arrived my worries of living on pain medication were no longer an issue as DCK took care of that just as well as MXE did. I even welcomed the diminished duration of effects in comparison to MXEís but what I didnít foresee was the dark nature of the drug after excessive use.
My memory had begun to slip while under its influence.
My memory had begun to slip while under its influence.
From time to time I couldnít remember if I had re-dosed already and on few occasions that led to a total disconnect of self, as my girlfriend at times found me laying on floors of our apartment, catatonic, till I snapped out of it. I canít explain the experience of being in that state. Itís as if you donít exist. I have spent hours trying to understand it all and I just remember the feeling of being trapped in my head, unable to control anything. I worried people who mean everything to me by abandoning therapeutic dosing in lieu of a recreational dose often twice as much as I would normally take. This led to the following scenarios. These events are why I am writing this.
One day, on the verge of holing on deschloroketamine, I walked out to my front porch on a bright sunny day, teetering on a detached state of mind from reality. As I looked at the sun I heard a voice in my head that I believed to be God telling me I can have any car I want on the street, I just had to pick one. So in the middle of the day I walked barefoot up to the neighborís car which was parked in front of my house and tried to open the driver side door which was locked. I then proceeded to the next vehicle parked on the street and again, tried to open the door which was also locked. Thatís when I snapped out of it and walked back inside my house where my stepkids had been watching me out the front window. As I sobered up I tried to make sense of how a drug I had been doing for so long could take control of me like that. I could have had a major problem on my hands had someone called the police. What transpired worried me, but not enough to give it up using DCK. Psychologically, I was addicted.
Not long after that I had a bout of paranoia and flushed thousands of dollars in chemicals down my toilet. The following day I was sick to my stomach when I realized what I had done. This is just one of many times I flushed things down the toilet over the course of my dissociative use. This was just the most regrettable time of the bunch.
Things became really real when I started hearing voices telling me to kill myself. I knew they werenít real and were nothing more than a product of being up without sleep for a few days, on DCK.
I knew they werenít real and were nothing more than a product of being up without sleep for a few days, on DCK.
The strangest aspect however was that I only heard the whispers of these voices in my dining room. This happened on 3 occasions and was unlike anything I had experienced over years of drug experimentation. Despite this, I still wasnít going to quit.
Then a few months later I was up late while my wife was sleeping in our bed. I had forgotten if I had re-dosed or not and decided that I hadn't based on the intensity of effects I was experiencing. I weighed out 125mg and blew it. No sooner than I put the straw down I started feeling an intensity grow and it was clear I had already re-dosed right before and I was about to find myself in a state of being I was not prepared for.
I grabbed some Xanax in an attempt to counteract the inevitable. As I sat in my studio where I had been organizing paperwork I saw my wifeís name on a piece of mail and as if I had no control of my body, I got up, walked to our bedroom, and punched my wife in back of the head while she slept. I then kicked a hole in the wall 4ft from the floor. My wife, who had previously seen me experience a total disconnect on both MXE and DCK thought I was dead as I fell to the floor, my eyes wide open, catatonic.
A few minutes later I came out of that state to find my wife in the corner of the bedroom in tears. I asked her what happened and why is she crying and why am I on the floor. She told me I hit her while she was sleeping. I have never in my life hit a woman let alone my wife. I had no issues with her and in fact we made love earlier that night. In tears over what I had just been told, we got my stash and flushed it. I vowed to never use an arylcyclohexamine of any sort again. That was a few years ago and I haven't broken that vow.
Sometimes you hear stories on the news that seem so sensational they just canít be true. Headlines like, ďWoman Cooks Baby in Oven High on PCPĒ. I never understood how a drug can make someone do something so unspeakable but now I get it.
DCK is some evil shit at high doses. At first it was great but eventually it got dark and I am grateful that these events turned out the way they did because it could have been a lot worse. As I walked to the bedroom that night I passed a toolbox in the hallway that had a hammer and hatchet in it. I would have ended my life had I came back to reality to find out I did something that couldnít be fixed.
People don't think this shit can happen to them. I was one of those people. Then it happened. I'm just glad Iím able to type this right now. This very experienced drug user whose first drug was LSD at 12 years old, who made it his lifeís mission at 14 to try every drug out there, lost control on an unpredictable drug after accidently taking too much.
So you have an idea of what my tolerance was like, what is a strong dose for a tolerance naÔve individual at 30mg, required 120-140mg of DCK to have the same effects. My morning dose to start the day was 150-175mg. Luckily no physical harm to myself arose from my use of either dissociative, aside from the occasional unexplained bruise. Blood panels were routinely taken and all remained normal throughout years of use. I canít speak on the future. Tickling the NMDA receptors too often canít be good. I surpassed ďToo oftenĒ as it doesnít begin to describe the level of abuse I subjected myself to.
There are dozens of other stories of crazy somewhat out of character things I did on these drugs. From going out to my vehicle completely nude just to sit in the drivers seat for a few seconds, to letting Jehovah Witnesses in my house because I wanted to half coherently debate their beliefs, to knocking on my neighbors door to give them an ornament for their Christmas tree before telling them I just floated out my bedroom window and saw them setting up a tree (they didnít even have a tree). The list goes on. What adventures I had. And now everyone in the neighborhood thinks Iím a whackadoodle. Hey, thereís a price to pay for everything in life. Iím just thankful thatís the extent of itÖ for now.
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