Citation: Anatoli Smorin. "Monochromatic Mischief: An Experience with MDMA (exp112960)". Erowid.org. Mar 16, 2019. erowid.org/exp/112960
The doses described in this report are potentially life threatening. The amount taken is beyond a heavy dose and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Doses such as this have been known to cause hospitalizations and/or deaths. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:07
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:27
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 5:30
||Alcohol - Beer/Wine
I consider myself an experienced experimenter. In the past I have used benzodiazepines, opioids, opiates, a variety of psychedelics, and an array of stimulants. Many of these experiences include less common research chemicals, sometimes in unusual combinations with other substances.
This report is unique from most of my other experience reports in two ways. The first large difference is that tolerance is
a factor. When planning on fully documenting an experience I generally ensure tolerance will not affect my dosages in order to provide more useful data to readers. I will discuss tolerance in more detail shortly. The second difference is that I am formalizing notes into this report long after the experience occurred (more than seven years after the event). Generally, I begin the writing process in the days directly following an experience in order to have things fresh in my mind.
I was reflecting on this experience in a nostalgic manner a few months ago. My memory is generally below average, but the smells, sights, and sounds of this experience flood back with very little effort. This is what initially triggered the idea of writing about this day so long after the fact. I figured it would be an enjoyable project if only for myself. I knew I had handwritten notes from the experience in a journal, but I feared they would be far too sparse to put together something I was comfortable sharing with the internet.
After a few weeks I find my thoughts returning to this day in my past regularly. There is no specific intention or direction of these thoughts. I just find myself recalling the afternoon randomly, almost daydreaming. I decide to hunt through my old notebooks and eventually the search is fruitful; I locate the pages describing the experience I have been remembering. I am proud of myself! The notes are far more detailed than I anticipated and there are even comments and bits of information I did not remember.
The journal provides important information regarding my tolerance at the time. I am able to conclude that I was ingesting stimulants, predominantly MDMA, via various routes of administration anywhere from two to five days per week for over a month leading into this experience. The insufflated dosages ranged from 100 mg to over 500 mg at one time. On many occasions I was dosing multiple times per day. Without my built up tolerance, the dosage described in this report would have been extremely
uncomfortable, and even more unsafe than it was.
Without my built up tolerance, the dosage described in this report would have been extremely uncomfortable, and even more unsafe than it was.
The MDMA used in the experience was sourced from a highly vetted and trusted chemist. The material was of high quality: reagent and lab testing proved it to be true and pure MDMA.
It is a Friday afternoon in mid September. The crisp cool autumn air has me energized and in a good mood. I slept well last night and gave my room a much needed tidying up this morning. I had one class I was supposed to attend but I deemed cleaning and vitamin D collecting more important.
Eager to kick off the weekend I sat at my desk rifling through a container of substances. I already knew what the choice would be; who was I kidding. MDMA has been the material of choice lately. I have had the idea of a very large MDMA experience in the back of my mind for a while now. Through all my recent usage the substance has not lost its magic, but it has certainly lost some of its sparkle and shine. I decide to mix ROA’s at high dosage levels to try and get a real rush and liftoff to a heavy roll despite my current tolerances. A euphoric fun time is the extent of what I hope to achieve. My attention is drawn to round numbers, and I elect 1000 mg oral, 500 mg insufflated and 250 mg intravenous as my target intake. I analyze the safety of this dosage using several harm reduction websites as well as consulting my recent experience journal entries. I discuss my intentions with a knowledgeable friend. We specifically examine the potential physical risks I might be opening myself up to. Although tolerance is a bit of a mystery factor, I decide I am comfortable to proceed as planned. My recent dosages (including the day before) have been increasing drastically in recent weeks, from what I would consider my normal comfortable amounts (0 – 250 mg). I take comfort in knowing that someone is aware of my plan in case things go south and they are prepared to act as necessary to assist in my safety.
I take comfort in knowing that someone is aware of my plan in case things go south and they are prepared to act as necessary to assist in my safety.
I select a large crystal chunk to start with on the scale. After some small additions the numbers settle at 1009 mg. I take this off the scale tray and crush it up as finely as I can. I pour the intimidatingly large pile onto a piece of single ply toilet paper and wrap up the powder.
T + 00:00 [2:19 PM]
I gently place the parachute onto my tongue and swallow quickly with a large gulp of water. I am able to avoid too much of the familiar chemical taste from escaping the thin paper that is struggling to contain the pile of material.
I immediately turn back to the desk and begin preparing my insufflation dosage. An exact 500 mg is settled on. As I did before, I grind up the crystals into a fine powder. As I cut out the line on a clean portion of desk I realize the absurdity of this dosage. Even cut fairly fat this line is ostentatiously long.
T + 00:07 [2:26 PM]
I blow my nose and retrieve a fresh straw. Committed to the cause; I sniff confidently. I have a bit of a leather nostril from my current habits so the sting is not terribly unpleasant. I pause about a third of the way through the line to take a deep breath. I am already off baseline. My mood is synthetically lifting; I’m smiling without cause or reason. I can feel warmth starting to develop within my body.
I switch nostrils and complete the rest of the insufflation. I can feel a fair amount of powder that is caked onto the insides of my nasal passages. I fill a bottle cap with water and insufflate one capful through each nostril to aid in absorption.
T + 00:12 [2:31 PM]
I take a moment to wipe down my desk with a cleaning agent. I retrieve a piece of Thera-Band (my tourniquet), a new packaged syringe, some bio-stat water, several cotton balls, and rubbing alcohol. I lay out these items on the desk neatly. Intravenous dosing is something I do not do often, but have leveraged recently to combat the cost of stimulant material required to achieve my desired level of effects as my tolerance increases. I also have used this method to explore compounds I know well, and wish to know more completely. The process still feels intimidating to me.
T + 00:19 [2:38 PM]
I tap the baggie once again to drop MDMA onto the scale; I begin to develop a sweat. The window is wide open allowing cool air to flow into the room. I feel the breeze across every goose bump on my skin. My sense of touch is already sky rocketing in sensitivity. I shudder as the first major wave of euphoria crashes over me. I feel real nice. My awareness of the synthetic nature of the effects has disappeared. I sit and revel in this liftoff moment that feels just oh so good. I am a solid + on the Shulgin Rating Scale and rapidly heading upwards.
I can feel my connection to reality slipping. Even so, I am growing concerned that I am overdoing it. Maybe I have already overdone it? This will certainly be the most I have ever consumed of this substance in such a short period of time.
I decide to cut short of the intended 250 mg. Instead 104 mg is ground up then stirred into one milliliter of room temperature bio-stat water. This amount dissolves easily without strong agitation or any additional heat.
I wrap the Thera-Band around my left arm just above the crease of my elbow. This is getting very real now.
T + 00:25 [2:44 PM]
My veins are protruding plenty; it is time to move forwards. I pause to take stock of my condition. No nystagmus is present yet. I’m actually a little surprised that the effects have leveled off for a moment. Time seems to be moving slowly but I attribute that to my nerves.
T + 00:27 [2:46 PM]
I open the packaging on the syringe and needle. The MDMA solution is drawn up through the cotton ball. I am at 100% focus as I steady my right hand with the tip of the needle hovering just above my median cubital vein about an inch and a half below my elbow’s crease. I insert the needle at a shallow angle. No pain or other sensation is noticed as I break the skin. I register the plunger backwards and an immediate swirl of crimson in the barrel tells me I have successfully accessed the intended vein. Using my teeth and left hand I awkwardly loosen the Thera-Band until it falls to the floor. I administer the injection over 10 seconds.
The moment the plunger is completely down I am all business. As quickly as possible I remove the needle and place it in my temporary used needle storage container. I wipe the injection spot with rubbing alcohol and press a fresh cotton ball over it.
I let out a large sigh of relief. I think I’ve achieved proper sterility and safety measures. The process is over.
I let out a large sigh of relief. I think I’ve achieved proper sterility and safety measures. The process is over.
I flop onto my bed glancing one more at my phone to document the time.
T + 00:29 [2:48 PM]
With my mind now free from the clenches of anxiety, nerves, and intense focus relating to the IV dosage, I realize a tidal wave of MDMA is roaring through my body. I am feeling a rapid release of cares and worries, something that typically accompanies MDMA ingestion for me. Most notable however is the physical sedation. I can barely lift my arms from my side. Not that I would ever want to – I feel perfect. Beyond perfect. I blasted past perfection what seems like ages ago.
I’m not rolling though. Perhaps I’ve gone past that. I really don’t feel stimulated at all actually. My eyes are wide open, I can feel that: there is no need to check a mirror to know my pupils are extremely dilated. Even so, I feel more like curling up and relaxing with a vinyl playing than I do dancing or partying.
I didn’t have any pressing concerns or worries prior to ingestion but somehow I feel massive emotional relief. An all-encompassing knowledge that everything will be all right dominates my thoughts. A wide grin is plastered across my face. I roll my head slowly from side to side. I flex and stretch my appendages, arching my toes and clenching my fists overhead. Goddamn I feel amazing. Every inch of me is radiating euphoria. My forearms and chest have a strong buzzing sensation that emanates from my innermost core out towards my skin. This internal glow is not dissimilar from a strong dosage of morphine or oxycodone but there is not even a hint of nausea or other discomfort of any kind.
I don’t feel hot or sweaty but I’m losing touch with my body. As the internal physical pleasure continues to build I notice that I can no longer feel the breeze. I’m becoming numb to external stimulation.
My mind caves inwards. My thoughts are not racing or scattered as I had expected. Instead I am processing thoughts slowly. Almost molasses paced. Maybe I’m thinking fast but disconnected from time? I can’t really tell. I don’t really care; I can’t really care. I’m feeling a strong disassociation between my mind, my body, and the outside world. All three seem to be their own separate thing. I am aware each exists, but can’t connect information from one to the other in a normal or efficient fashion.
I notice an unsettling silence developing. It’s not as though my hearing is muted like when underwater or using earplugs. There is literally not a sound existing in the world. Maybe time has frozen and thus no sound can occur? I’m reeling underneath an ocean of sedative pleasure as I try to put together a coherent analysis of my condition.
I turn my gaze out the window. A beautiful oak tree sits just outside my window with some of its branches reaching out above me, resting on the roof. I feel intimately connected to this tree, the squirrel I can see scampering along the branches, the air, the fluffy white clouds that dot the bright blue sky, the sun; all of nature seems like a part of me. My mind, body, and outside world are molding together in new ways. The outside world is forging with my mental being while for now; my body remains on its own, separated.
The beauty of the nature outside the window is blowing my mind. I am overwhelmed by the raw energy and emotion circulating through the air, exchanging between myself and landscape outside. I am not seeing any physical manifestation of the connections being formed, only feeling them in my emotional core. The ideology that “humankind is one with nature” is making more sense than ever before. I can’t even say that I am amalgamating with the trees, bushes, dirt, and air because the sensation I am experiencing is more a realization that I have never been different or separate from these things. I don’t literally think, “I am the same thing as a squirrel or tree”. Rather, I am simply more aware of our similarities in existence than our differences. The feelings of oneness and interconnectivity bring me happiness and a comforting sense that I am never alone in this universe.
I am entering a state of pure relaxation. This is going beyond the “everything will be okay” sensation that I often feel on MDMA or benzodiazepines. I can’t comprehend negativity and have no interest in worries about the past or future. I am only processing the “here and now” as it drips past. The concept of time has melted away to the point that I can’t grasp the concept of a “now” or a “then”. A moment is eternity; eternity is a moment. As such, I am incapable of thinking of the past or the present. I can only witness what is happening in each moment | eternity as it occurs. This is a blissful state of existence.
I lean my head and upper body out the open window, which has no screen in it. The complete and utter silence remains. Even my movement on the bed produces no sound. As I gaze outside my breath is taken away as the first visual effects of the day take hold.
Static visual noise: a shimmering of black, silver, and grey akin to an old television set with no signal, is growing stronger and stronger. The effect is covering everything I see. Each leaf, the ground, the walkway, and even the air is somehow wrapped in semi-translucent static. The visual noise grows in intensity and each block of static grows larger, pixelating my vision to increasingly lower quality resolutions. The static is starting to play tricks on my mind. Is it white or is it black? Is it a large number of small pieces or just a few big chunks? The latter of those questions really starts to become a difficult inquiry as the noise increases to the point that it is hiding objects behind it. Objects turn into shapes, which are then further disguised as my depth perception pops them in and out of the vibrating background. I feel like I can’t focus my eyes correctly and have the sensation of each eye focusing in a different direction. I am overwhelmed and hold begin to hold my breath as I wait to see what happens next.
I am pleased to see the static bits becoming more granular; the world is re-emerging from behind the veil. As soon as I let out a sigh of relief, I must once again suspend my breathing. Everything in my visual field is draining of color. The saturation is slowly disappearing. After about 30 seconds I am viewing the world in monochrome. Only blacks, whites, and greys remain visible. I pull myself back into the room and find my black and white room concerning. This doesn’t feel like any visual I’ve ever experience before. It is so real and authentic. There is no breathing, patterning or other effect: just a complete lack of color. The only other minor difference is that my vision is soft; the edges of objects are not as defined and sharp as normal. A brief worry flashes through my mind: did I really fuck up? Am I overdosing right now? I’m a strange mix of excited, scared, and confused. My concerns are legitimate; I know that I’ve ingested a potentially dangerous amount of MDMA and currently my eyes can no longer perceive color. That is not normal and seems like a bad sign. Even these serious concerns don’t overpower my positive attitude. I know I should
be concerned, but I’m having trouble not being intrigued by what I am experiencing. I am oddly at ease with the extremity of the effects; this lack of worry is clearly an effect of its own. There is a moment where I debate with myself whether I should contact my “remote sitter” to provide an update and get a sober opinion. My gut tells me I would know if this was a serious health concern and I elect to put off the phone call and see how things develop.
I lie back down and look out towards the Oak Tree once again. The beauty of the monochromatic nature scene is astounding. The blacks are as pure as the depths of a midnight sky and the whites as crisp and bright as newly fallen snow shining with the sun’s glare. I peer around, inspecting the view outside my window top to bottom and left to right. As I shift my gaze around I have the surreal sensation that I am in a black and white photograph. Nothing seems to be moving or changing besides the focus point of my vision. It is hard to place my finger on the proper words to describe how I feel but I feel like I am not a “being” in the world any longer. I seem to be
a piece of this new world that feels almost two-dimensional and three-dimensional at the same time. Shifting my gaze around seems to move my physical body around the scene it is taking in. My physical position doesn’t necessarily feel as though it is maneuvering or changing position, but I seem to gain a new perspective or vantage point as I shift the focus of my eyes.
The world, and the way I am interacting with it, is stupendous. I feel very at home and comfortable in this oddly familiar, yet foreign version of existence. Taking in what my eyes are showing me feels more like viewing art than it does existing in what I have come to know as my first person point of view. The gradient, or transition, from black to white is so perfect that I almost cannot comprehend the polarity of the two colors given how well they blend together.
The gradient, or transition, from black to white is so perfect that I almost cannot comprehend the polarity of the two colors given how well they blend together.
The concerns about overdoing the dosage have melted away. I still cannot feel my body. In fact, I am not really aware of its existence. I am also not very present in my own “first person” mind. The “me” that is currently melted together with the nature in front of me, is not “me”. This is not the same “ego-death” I have experienced on other substances before. I’m more present than that, if only by a sliver. In this second-hand existence my “I” (whatever I am), consists of my vision and a highly altered version of my mental being, but not my hearing or physical body. Inside this monochromatic world there is only silence and a physical sedation that is so strong I cannot register sensations of touch. There also seems to be no time here, at least not in the linear measurable sense of hours, minutes, and seconds. All I know for sure is that time feels timeless: simultaneously endless and instantaneous. My visual field contains almost no movement of any kind. I don’t get the sense that my vision is frozen, but the scene outside my window is eerily still. I haven’t seen a person or car pass by. Even the breeze has disappeared, leaving the foliage suspiciously stationary.
Although time is a foreign concept to me, I estimate I am colorless for a total of 3-5 minutes. Slowly, color begins to return to my vision. It looks like someone is gradually increasing a saturation filter on my visual field. About halfway through the transition from black and white to normal color vision, a process that takes several minutes, I distinctly notice the first instance of motion in quite some time. A small bird glides silently through the air in front of me. Witnessing this silent path of flight marks a progression from one stage of the experience to the next.
I continue to soak up the present. I don’t care about checking the time, as this relates to “future” and “past” thoughts – something I still don’t have desire for, but am more capable of now, should it be required. Euphoria is ever so slightly leaking back into my mind. This is my first measurable awareness of my physical and mental body reconnecting since things went colorless. It’s not overpowering, or even intense, but it is powerful. This is one of the most spectacularly pleasurable moments of my life. Certainly ranking near the top among the chemically induced experiences. The simplicity, cleanliness, and purity of my happy contentedness are ineffable and immeasurable in their endlessness.
My awareness of “I” has comfortably returned. I lie motionless, allowing my eyes to drift between open and shut. Whenever I have my eyes open they seem to navigate themselves around the scene directly outside my window without real purpose. I’m lost in bliss.
“HEY, Anatoli, yo bud!”
I register the voice and break from my trance. I slowly focus or open my eyes (I can’t tell which) and find myself looking at my roommate Jean-Ralphio.
“Are you all right?”
The concern in his voice is obvious, but I don’t understand it.
“Y e a h “ I respond slowly. “W h y ?”
Jean-Ralphio informs me that he entered the room over a minute ago and greeted me. After I failed to reply he asked several times if I was okay. I have no recollection of these inquiries; I would have bet anything he had just walked into the room when I snapped out of my trance.
T + 01:01 [3:20 PM]
I informed Jean-Ralphio that I had taken “a lot” of MDMA with a dopey smile draped across my face. I assure him I am feeling fine before I lie back down on my bed and close my eyes. No visual effects are present but I return to a trance-like state almost immediately. My mind is unusually calm and thoughts flow through my mental space at a manageable pace. In fact they float into my mind at a relatively slow tempo, slower than when I am sober. Topics of thought are unfocused and not particularly noteworthy. No revelations are arrived at.
My eyelids are not interesting or colorful. I see a formation of dull rainbow colored circles rotating slowly when my eyes are closed. The circles emerge from darkness and then fade back into the same cloudy obscurity. I don’t care to pay much attention to the dull shapes.
T + 01:18 [3:37 PM]
My focus is drawn to my physical body. I haven’t been paying much attention to it since prior to my visit to the monochromatic world. Suddenly I am very aware of it. Aware is a mild word; I feel like I am shaking with pleasure. Full tilt, unbridled euphoria thunders through me from head to toe. Despite the enormity of these feelings, they still feel manageable. Concerns of dosing too aggressively have essentially left my mind completely. My special connection to nature is diminishing but I have tremendous connection to the world outside my brain: every person, plant, and animal are my siblings and friends. I’m overwhelmed with happiness, joy, and love. As cheesy and cliché as this sounds, it’s exactly how I feel. There is no synthetic nature to my positivity – I feel like I have come out of a cocoon of anxiety, worry, and negativity. An entrapment I was unaware I was being restrained by. By no means have I been in a poor mood lately, but in this moment I am realizing I have forgotten what pure happiness feels like. I bask in the sunlight that is now perfectly shining through my window, soaking up the rays and the perfection of this moment.
T + 01:47 [04:06 PM]
I am grounded enough to check the time: a habit I traditionally try to keep when taking notes during an experience. I scribble a few comments down about the past hour. My handwriting is messy and my spelling questionable. There is no frantic rush to get down every minute detail (I often try to do this on a wide variety of substances). My written comments focus on the big picture; broad and clear thoughts such as “Be happier more often – just choose to be.” The simplicity and absolute correctness of these thoughts are existence-shaking in a very positive way. I couldn’t be in a better mental place than this.
I decide to sit up and see how being upright and mobile feels. I have not had any water since prior to ingesting the MDMA and I know I should start hydrating. I stand and walk downstairs to fill a glass of water without any discomfort or difficulty. I step outside and take my first sip. Wow, I am thirsty! The coolness of the water combined with a light breeze felt across my exposed legs and upper body makes me shudder with pleasure. The breeze across my chest makes me realize I have lost my shirt since the beginning of this adventure although I can’t recall when or where.
After drinking two large glasses of water I return upstairs and begin chatting with Jean-Ralphio and another friend who has stopped by. Conversation is not as addicting as I often find it when on MDMA. I excuse myself and sprawl out on my bed. I reflect on the experience thus far. I’m shocked by how s l o w it has been in almost every regard. Time seems expansive; the sober morning feels like ages ago. My thoughts and general state of being are pleasantly lackadaisical. I slip smoothly from active thinking to a mental state where I’m empty headed. I drown out Jean-Ralphio and our friend Jerry without effort. A medium-pitched tinnitus buzzing noise assists me in my efforts to not hear the conversation in the room. I don’t meditate often and don’t know if I’ve ever achieved a completely meditative or Zen state. I imagine it is similar to what I exist in now. Time seems to disappear in chunks that I cannot define the size of. A second passes but it feels like several minutes. Next I find fifteen minutes has melted by in the blink of an eye. I’m aware of the continuing glow of euphoria within my body but I’m not focusing on it. I’m physically still, not fidgeting as I sometimes do on stimulants. I’m essentially in a trance – letting the MDMA soothe my mind and body.
T + 02:17 [4:36 PM]
I emerge from my introspective focus to once again join the conversation that is taking place in the room. I‘m startled by the fact that I had not been physically hearing the words being spoken for the past 30 minutes or so. This went beyond a “normal” ability to tune out things. When I tuned out and drifted into my personal zone the sound in the room actually disappeared: it went to zero and I was transported to my own little bubble of pleasure and happiness. I find this slightly unsettling, but mostly intriguing and enjoyable.
T + 02:32 [4:51 PM]
My mood is impeccable. I love the authenticity of my emotions right now! My ego is slightly inflated – I feel enlightened and am aware of my newly acquired clairvoyant abilities. I feel incredibly in tune with both Jean-Ralphio and our other friend, reading every tiny facial cue with a higher degree of skillfulness than normal. I no longer feel the intense physical interconnectivity to nature although I am acutely aware of what I perceive to be “absolute truths”: simple yet grand idealistic concepts such as “If I maintain awareness of the big picture; nothing should ever be worth stressing over.” I have the intrinsic sense that I should be teaching or demonstrating these ideas. The universe’s functionality is obvious and clear to me. What I consider to be the crux of existence, “how to live life happily”, is no longer a mystery.
I later was able to confirm with Jean-Ralphio that I was never rambling, preaching, or acting too far out of the ordinary. According to him I was a bit more reserved and quieter than normal. He did note that I spoke at a slower pace than normal which mirrored my interpretation of the experience. Rather than feeling lit up and speedy, I was seemingly elevated beyond stimulation to a meditative condition where things felt best when slowed down and processed in utmost peace and tranquility. My thoughts and my speech reflected this attitude in their lowered tempo and volume.
T + 02:42 [5:01 PM]
I put on some music and find it pleasant, as long as the tempos are slow and the genre is relaxing. The actual sounds and tones of the music (mostly low-tempo electronic) seem more exact and pure than when I am sober. Typically on MDMA my mood adapts to enjoy whatever music is on. I am struck by the fact that only this specific niche of music is enhanced and attractive to me at this point in time.
T + 03:16 [5:35 PM]
The intensity of the experience has dropped down from the peak it reached in the first few hours following ingestion. I still feel deeply under the influence but in an enlightened and natural way. I’d classify this as a very unique and strong +++ on the Shulgin Rating Scale. I’m calm and not feeling overwhelmed or over simulated in the least. I feel incredibly peaceful in my mind, body, and movements. My physical body is wrapped up in a beautifully balanced mixture of sensations. There is a warm flow that emits from my bones and pushes slowly out to the edge my skin. On the surface, my arm hair and skin are hypersensitive but not uncomfortably so. I possess no excessive energy. Sedation swirls through my veins and saturates my muscles. My comfort is ultimate not matter if I am standing, sitting, or lying down. My eyes focus normally and I have no nystagmus.
The effects my body feels are steady and constant. There is no pulsation, no coming and going of intensity. Much like my mental state, the sensations are even keeled and steady, although very strong. Strong is perhaps the incorrect word. Deep. Powerful. Magnificent. These words seem closer to correct . . . and yet none seem to capture the collaboration of delicacy and sheer mightiness of what my body is feeling.
T + 03:30 [5:49 PM]
Time continues to march on without me paying much attention to it. I feel like preparing the dosages at my desk happened ages ago, but at the same time it seems to be only moments since I embarked on this journey. I make my way downstairs to once again refill my water. My motor skills are normal. No difficulties or enhancement can be definitively felt. The air feels thick as I move through it. My temperature is fine, and the air is cool, yet somehow I have the sensation of extreme humidity: the air molecules are more tangible than normal as I pass through them. I drink a large mug of water and then refill the vessel to bring with me back to my room.
T + 03:50 [6:09 PM]
I’m well past the peak of the experience now for certain. The intensity of the effects is hard to judge. I’m not really “rolling” and I feel more relaxed than I do stimulated. In that sense, especially in comparison with the first hour or so of today’s venture, I’m somewhere near a +. In comparison to my true baseline self however, I’d certainly place myself at a minimum of a ++ and likely at a +++. The intensity is smoother and calmer than I ever anticipated. I liken it to moving water. I was expecting to get tossed by the frothing white crashing of waves, like the rapids of a river’s surface. Instead I find myself in the grips of an ocean’s depths: slower paced, yet tremendously more powerful.
T +04:31 [6:50 PM]
My arm is cramping from writing notes about the experience into my notebook. I pause to rest my muscles and take a sip of water. The last hour has passed in a “normal perception speed”: not seeming fast or slow. I am feeling continually closer to baseline. Much like a full-fledged DMT blast off experience (or any other high intensity psychedelic experience), the effects after the peak are strong compared to sober, but pale in comparison to the height of the experience.
T + 05:01 [7:20 PM]
As the relative intensity decrescendos I find it less important to keep detailed notes. I am simply repeating myself and not gleaning any new perspectives. I continue to talk with Jean-Ralphio until he leaves to attend a night class. I have no appetite or strong desire for social interaction outside of my close friends. Based on this, I decide to not go out for dinner and opt instead for mild conversation and a beer with one of my good mates (who also lives in this house) who has arrived home.
I made several notes throughout the evening following the last timestamp included in the report. I ended up staying awake until about 3:30 AM [T + 13:11]. Given my previous experimentation with MDMA I was surprised at my ability to sleep so early without using Z-Drugs, benzodiazepines, or excessive alcohol. I consumed around six beers during the course of the evening (nothing unusual for me around the time this experience occurred). I never felt much of the traditional alcohol effects but I did detect some extra physical sedation. As I alluded to above, the effects of the MDMA had a long slow decline. I chose to not elaborate fully on my evening (past the last timestamp) because I don’t believe there was anything particularly unique or useful for others to read. Detailed commentary from 7:20 PM to 3:30 AM + 1 would have been several additional pages that I believe would have provided little to no additional data.
The next morning I did not experience any negative hangover type effects. In fact, I felt well rested and filled with positive thoughts and feelings. Stress was nowhere to be found. I continued to experience abnormally high levels of happiness and abnormally low amounts of stress for over a week. Anhedonia was not present during this elongated “after-effects” period. I felt almost the exact opposite. I was motivated and engaged in both physical and mental activities. Most notably I found myself mentally rejuvenated: excited to be a positive force of energy in every interaction I encountered.
After this experience I took two weeks off from MDMA usage. The break felt healthy and I didn’t experience any cravings to take more during this stretch of time. My next MDMA ingestion was documented in my notes at 250 mg and I had a darn good time. No loss of magic was felt and my tolerance seemingly dropped back down to nonexistent.
During the experience I did not take my temperature. My body felt flushed at times and chilly during others. I was feeling hot for the first hour and a half and then after hour three I felt a bit chilled. My pulse did elevate but I never became truly concerned. I checked my pulse a number of times throughout the afternoon but only properly measured and documented it twice. Once at 135 BPM at T + 00:41 and again at 104 BPM at T + 02:17. Both of these are notably high for me. My sober resting heart rate is around 65 BPM. At no point did I have any chest pain and irregular heartbeats. My breathing remained normal throughout the experience.
Overall I am surprised by the presentation of the intensity of effects. While truly “record setting” on my personal scale, the effects were deep, powerful, and insightful. There was no fast paced “rolling”. I do not believe tolerance kept me from the jaw-clench, chatterbox, overly lovey sensations, or regrettable “under-the-influence decision making” that often occur when I take medium to high-level dosages of MDMA. It felt more like I got in the fast lane of the euphoric stimulant superhighway and blew past my previous “all time highs” with this substance. The surpassing of previous thresholds was so quick that I found myself immediately transported into a one-of-a-kind transcendental form of existence.
The duration and comedown were also surprising to me. The lengths of each portion of the experience were not as extended as I anticipated. The overall experience did not last much longer than when I dose far lower. The two departures from my normal MDMA “effects intensity chart” (duration on the x-axis and intensity on the y-axis), were the intensity of the peak and the rapidity of the come-up. The peak of the intensity was more concentrated than many other previous MDMA experiences (regardless of ROA). Rather than an extended plateau at the height of intensity I seemed to have a relatively short “top of the mountain” moment that was followed by a marked downward trend towards baseline. The second difference was, my departure from baseline was lightning quick during this experience. Before the administration of my second dosage, I was well into a + level experience [T + 00:07]. Upon completion of administration of my third dosage, I was essentially at a +++ experience [T + 00:29]. These are far faster than my typical departures from baseline with this substance. I attribute this to the combination of high dosages and the intravenous route of administration.
Despite, or perhaps because of, the faster acting (insufflation and intravenous) routes of administration on my second and third dosage events, I never felt the oral dosage ratchet up the extremity of effects. I suspect some of the “ocean depth” power was a result of the large oral dose. I hypothesize that without the first dosage, the experience may
have been more pushy and stimulating.
I had hoped for and expected a heavy roll when I set out weighing and ingesting this dosage of MDMA. Instead, I received a slower paced and far more meaningful experience. The visual effects at the beginning of my afternoon were some of the most unique I have experienced on any substance. The mental condition I found myself in for the duration of the experience was equally special. Years later I reflect on this day and observe pangs of desire to feel this way again.
Will I do it again? Probably not. I don’t like to say things definitively, but unless my life course changes drastically I doubt I will ever develop the tolerance for MDMA to make such a dosage remotely safe or enjoyable. With less tolerance, I have attempted to replicate the magical mental space I achieved during this experience at smaller, safer dosages. Several of these attempts were enjoyable, but they were much more “standard” in their qualities (high energy, big euphoria, conversation fiending, music enhancement, insomnia, etc.). Other attempts were uncomfortable both physically and mentally, leaving me paranoid, dehydrated, and feeling like I poisoned my body. I tried to find the sweet spot, the point where I skipped over traditional “rolling” effects and reached the beautiful enlightened space I found myself in during this experience, but never succeeded. I either fell short or went too far into uncomfortable intensity. Although I did not scientifically titrate dosages while resetting my tolerance to try and duplicate this experience, I sense this afternoon was, in many ways, unrepeatable. This experience was a perfect concoction of time, place, tolerance, material quality, set, and setting. The unrepeatability, rather than the intensity or anything else, allows me to categorize this as one of the few personal experiences I would label as a ++++.
I will never forget the experience described in this report and I hope to continue to draw inspiration from it in the future. In some ways that fateful afternoon where I skipped class to ingest powders reset my personal scale for happiness and interconnectedness between other people, the planet we live on, and myself. I’ve experienced relief from anxiety and stress through a number of substances before but this provided more than temporary suppression of negative feelings. This obliterated them to the point that I was able to re-realize how wonderful living can be.
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