Citation: loodovikk. "Heaven and Hell in My Unconscious Mind: An Experience with 2-Fluorodeschloroketamine & 4-AcO-DMT (exp112979)". Erowid.org. Mar 2, 2019. erowid.org/exp/112979
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I don’t ever type up trip reports because no matter how intense or beautiful the trip was, there is always someone out there who has written a better, more detailed report of a similar experience. However, last night I experienced something induced by two research chemicals that I did not think was possible for drugs to do, even after heavy psychonautical exploration over the last 7 years with every dissociative or psychedelic substance you can imagine. I believe this trip was an intensely personal, subjective one, that needs to be shared with the world. I really don’t fully understand what happened to me but maybe typing it out will help me work through it.
I recently acquired 2g of 2f-DCK for the sole purpose of holing on it. Thus far, both times I’ve attempted a large enough dose for a hole (150mg, and 230mg), as soon as I laid down and turned off my light, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning. Disappointing, to say the least. I definitely felt there was an “unconscious hole”’ happening but that I wasn’t lucid enough to experience or remember it. Last night was very different.
Set: I had just gotten into an argument with my brother and was feeling a bit sad/frustrated. I normally don’t go into trips with anything but a positive mindset but the 2f-DCK hadn’t been particularly psychedelic in my research (because of my coma-like sleep paralysis), and so I decided to do some just to sort of numb myself.
T 0:00—Began with 136mg divided up into 6 lines. It is a very crystally beige/sticky substance, which I chopped/ground into a powder. I put saline spray up each nostril before and after each line.
T 0:30—The lines have been insufflated. The first 2-3 lines are in full effect, the last 2-3 are kicking in quick. Typical slowing of thought processes, feeling very tranquil and trance-like. I was feeling so nice at this point, had forgiven my brother, and decided to go for my initial plan, which was to try and combine 4-AcO-DMT with the 2f-DCK. In my heavily altered state I managed to weigh out 15mg, chop it into 2 small bumps and put them up each nostril. Keep in mind I was being careful in my dosage here, as I’ve gone up to 50mg on the stuff which was like a full-blown 4-hour DMT trip. I also weighed out an extra 50mg of the 2f-DCK to insufflate once the 4-aco kicked in.
T 0:50—I am beginning to perceive heavy auditory hallucinations like clanging bells which make me uncomfortable, and decide it is time for music. I put on Deakin’s album “Sleep Cycle” and it is really utterly beautiful, I lay down in bed and begin experiencing typical mushroom-esque colors and visuals on top of the extremely tranquil feeling of the 2f-DcK.
T 1:00—The 4-aco is coming on quite strong at this point and I am experiencing pronounced euphoria. I decide its time to try and go even deeper, go for a hole. I take a hit of cannabis, insufflate the extra 50mg of 2f-dck, and lay back in bed.
T 1:20???—Time loses meaning here and this is where I’ll try my best to explain the bulk of what happened to me. First, I completely dissociated from my body and surroundings. The room broke away from me and I entered deep space. Even on my heaviest trips such as DXM/LSD, I’ve always still had a semblance of my appendages or surroundings. Not this time. I was truly in a hole, with maroon structures around me shifting and morphing into memories of my past and childhood, while I myself became these structures. The music ends the auditory hallucinations take over. I am hearing church organs and heavenly voices speaking to me.
1:30??—I begin to enter heaven. This isn’t euphoria, it is something much greater. With each passing moment I am experiencing a further and further awakening of consciousness. I have always wondered how heaven could be perfect and beautiful if it’s just the same old thing day after day. I now understand that it is very possible when, every second, one becomes more and more enlightened, more and more in tune with their original one-ness. Just when I thought I had reached the pinnacle of enlightenment I continued to expand, just like the universe.
Strangely, Reddit becomes the dominating motif during this stage of the trip. It becomes the meaning of life, a way for the true interconnectedness of humanity to become one big amorphous consciousness. I see holographic images of karma/upvotes/downvotes floating past me. Based off my semi-recent rediscovery of the research chemical world through Reddit (after taking some years off after a bad 25i-NBOMe experience, and sticking with classical psychs), I truly believed that I had ingested a combination of drugs that unlocks the key to heaven, an ever-expanding consciousness that experiences a more profound incarnation of beauty and understanding with each passing moment, and that I would never leave. I was that far gone in the hole. It was truly like floating in space, merging back into the conscious particle that once preceded the big bang, which eventually fragmented consciousness into billions of pieces and is the root of our suffering. I was returning back to this original state. Reddit was the way to tape those pieces back together, and in fact I had become Reddit itself, experiencing each interaction/thread/person all at once. I think it was a metaphor that I concocted in my head for the meaning of life: a striving for re-integration/unification of the consciousness of humanity which has been scattered everywhere. Stars are all around me.
T 2:00???—Here, things suddenly turn around drastically. Rather than expanding and going upward, I begin shrinking, falling into a different dimension entirely. Suddenly I am in Hell, experiencing eternity forever, completely alone. The negation of time, space, arms and legs, are suddenly no longer beautiful, but the worst thing you could ever imagine. It is forever the same thing over and over again. I will be here for eternity and I am forever falling deeper into an empty void of nothingness, like that guy in the Black Mirror episode that gets trapped in his own video game out in deep space, or the Hammering Man in Seattle who is perpetually hammering away day and night.
I am convinced this is inextricably linked to a book I am reading for a class. I am an English major and we are reading “Our Nig” by Harriet Wilson. It is utterly and completely heartbreaking, an autobiographical novel of an abused slave, Frado. She tries so hard to be good and yet still is in Hell every day of her life without deserving it. She eventually turns to the Christian God and finds salvation. The trip begins to feel something like salvia: that everything in my life had been a test, trying to get me to believe in the Christian God and yet I still denied him, even though I am so utterly fucking comfortable in comparison with the Hell that Frado goes through, yet even she found it in herself to believe in the Christian God. Reading Our Nig was my final test, and instead of accepting God, the book actually made me hate him even more for making an innocent person’s life so miserable for no reason, and mine so comfortable that I can order drugs off the internet. I see my teacher’s face as a motif for an apostle trying to convert me (even though I doubt she’s actually a Christian). I truly believe that all the Christian values and ideas pushed on every person in the Western world were actually true and that I was being punished for not taking the leap of faith and accepting God. It was the one thing that no one is 100% sure about, and all those crazy Christians were fucking right all along. Damnit. Then, I accept that I failed my test and will be here forever, experiencing all the suffering and pain that the world contains. Things go completely black.
3:30— I begin to regain consciousness of my room. Even though everything felt so real while it was happening, I’m strangely not surprised at all that it turned out to be a figment of my unconscious mind. It’s as if I exited this realm as quickly as I began and am almost sober again. I am so happy to be alive and I just lay in bed and try to process what happened.
4:00—I get up and realize my gait is still very off, I’m in a hypnagogic state, feeling extremely relaxed and at peace with the world. I stagger downstairs, nearly sleepwalking, and eat a salad and an apple which taste beautiful.
4:30—Quickly drift into a deep and restful slumber.
Conclusion/reflections: This was really unlike anything I have ever experienced on drugs (which is quite a lot). I journeyed into my subconscious mind. The 2f-DCK dissociated me completely from my body/surroundings, and the 4-aco allowed for the most profound spiritual insights I've ever had (even off something like 8g of potent mushrooms or a DMT breakthrough). I don’t actually believe Reddit or Christianity are really as important as they were during the trip, but that they were metaphors. Reddit=re-unification of consciousness, Christianity=Evil, as something that gives a false sense of hope to someone completely alone in an unforgiving world. I would 100% repeat this experience and plan to try something similar in a couple of weeks, but at the moment I have so much to reflect on that I definitely need to chill for a while.
If you read all this, thank you. I love you all and hope you all find happiness. To me; Hell is isolation/solitude, and vice versa. It is important to cherish loved ones, be kind, and try to reduce the overall suffering in the world. That’s the meaning of life and all I can do until my day of judgment.
ps Psychs and Dissos are a completely different experience when taken together than they are on their own.
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