Citation: Pewter. "A Healing Terror: An Experience with Bufo alvarius Secretion (exp113200)". Erowid.org. May 18, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113200
Drug: Bufo alvarius toad venom (dried)
Amount taken: smoked 66mg + 50mg + 50mg in glass pipe
Dexamphetamine 5mg at T minus 4h (I have ADHD)
Some background information about myself: I am a 40 year old male, psychiatrist by profession, who has been using psychedelics for years as a form of self-development. I have ADHD, and am prescribed 5mg dexamphetamine QID, which I take without exception. I have a very good understanding of DMT, and I have been smoking it for the past year. I have to say I had two horrific experiences on DMT (changa), which can only be described as demonic attacks, but I always recovered well from these. I read a lot about 5-meo-DMT and needless to say, I was anxious.
I read a lot about 5-meo-DMT and needless to say, I was anxious.
T 0min: I had a day off work, and I asked my wife to sit for me. I instructed her that if I did not break through, to give me another dose. It was a busy day. She was in the kitchen, cooking, but our baby daughter was fast asleep. I have never smoked anything in a glass pipe before, so I was a bit apprehensive about wasting it. I carefully weighed out 66mg on a milligram scale, made myself comfortable, wife beside me, and inhaled slowly.
It hit me almost instantly. I felt a panic attack well up in me, something I have been familiar with when I smoked changa. I couldn’t control, even though I knew I shouldn’t control. I tried to relax, to accept. Instead I panicked. I could feel the trip turn nasty, with pure evil well up inside of me (very reminiscent of my bad change experience), yet I remained conscious. I could talk, rationally interact with my wife. The feeling subsided and I felt a warmth spread through me. I thought I had not broken through, and this was the effects of me being in that “twilight zone” where my ego was rebelling against dissolution.
T 5min: I was warned about this when I trawled through the chat forums, and instructed my wife to weigh out another 50mg and try again. My hands were shaking, I couldn’t hold the lighter straight, but somehow managed to inhale some more. My wife tried to help me, but said later I had a grip of steel and she couldn’t shift the flame. I think I didn’t inhale properly, my lungs were not empty.
Terror hit me as more of the Bufo hit me, but I was still lucid. I thought I was just having a panic attack, but now I am not so sure. I think I had the projection into pure evil, but somehow still clung on to sanity. I cried out to my wife, “I am not ok, I am not ok, hug me, hold me.” Now, I have to admit, things became hazy, and my recollections are unsure. I am not sure where I took the third dose or why. My wife tells me I was lucid and saying that I had not broken through, that I had not inhaled properly. She weighed out the last 50mg I had (thank God!) at T 10min. This time she held it to my lips and the lighter. I inhaled slowly and deeply.
The terror hit again. In my recollections I am not sure what happened. I remember yelling out the God’s prayer (I am not religious) time after time. I felt the cold shards of horror pound my mind, mental alarm bells going off, screaming at me I was in peril, danger beyond which I could describe. My thoughts derailed, looped, emptied into non-existent cul-de-sacs. The very software, fabric of my essence was WRONG. An evil WRONGNESS pervaded me. My words do not do justice, as this level of intense EVIL and WRONGNESS does not exist on our world. It is something which I have only ever experienced with DMT (and now 5-meo-DMT, but never with LSD or mushrooms). I felt defiled, I was terrified I had gone insane and I was broken. And it ended and I got my shit together quite quickly after that. I knew what I had gone through, and I knew I just had to accept my experience was painful.
When I went to bed that night (8h later), I couldn’t sleep. Every time I was about to nod off, I had the beginning of a panic attack. I started crying uncontrollably. I calmed down, tried to sleep again. This repeated for the next 2 hours. I went downstairs, and for no apparent reasons, sorrow came through me and I started crying again, with waves of familiar (and soothing) sorrow. Sorrow at loss, even though I could not fathom what. I took 12.5mg quetiapine hoping that would be enough to act as an anxiolytic. 30 min later I was fast asleep.
However the story does not end here. The next day I woke up, I took my normal dexamphetamine dose in the morning, and I felt the familiar internal malleability of emotions as though I was tripping on mushrooms, but no cognitive (visual etc) experiences. I felt raw, unsure what I was feeling. I thought about God, and I cried and cried, the tears wouldn’t stop.
I cried and cried, the tears wouldn’t stop.
I realised that I loved God (I am an atheist, which I had been for the past 15 years. I lost my faith when I was 25). And the malleability of emotions did not stop. Insight after insight poured into me, a form of spiritual awakening. I realised that my belief has returned, and I started crying again. Tears of sadness, of sorrow, tears I was shedding the previous night. My belief had returned and I felt whole again.
The experience has changed me to my core. I no longer take dexamphetamine. I now believe in God (which one? I realise it doesn’t matter), and it fills me with peace. I feel connected to people, I feel an inner happiness, contentment. This was the most brutal experience of my life, it shattered me and remade me. It broke all of my defences and left me to remould myself into the person I wanted to be (a loving, caring husband, father and therapist). The Bufo Alvarius venom healed me. Of that I have no doubt. It has done what 5 years of psychotherapy hasn’t done for me. Yet I believe if I was not the person who I am, if I had not done years of therapy, years of psychiatric training, years of introspection, these events would have shattered me and left me broken.
Would I take it again? Right now, no way! But in the future? Who knows… I respect it, it terrifies me, but I have absolutely no regrets (which is why I vote this to be a positive experience for me).
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