DOSE: T+ 0:00	2.5 hits	oral	LSD	(gel tab)
T+ 5:00		smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

105 lb

Intention/Headspace/Setting - My intentions were to reset my sleep schedule and to just have a chill day. I did not have anything to do over the next few days and I wanted to have healthier sleeping habits again since I was sleeping around 5am-8am and waking up around 1pm-4pm. This was not my first time tripping by myself either, which I planned to do, but this was my strongest dose by .5 tabs. The previous weeks I have been binge watching Game of Thrones and I had finished it. A tiny bit of Game of Thrones knowledge is required. I started microdosing mushrooms 3 weeks previously. I have been taking .10 a day with 2 day break in between. Thinking about money a lot lately since I don't have any. Trying to live off 40$ the last 2 weeks of this month. Setting was at my house. I live with my 18 year old brother. It was raining.

Tuesday, May 21, I wake up at around 330-4pm. Tease brother that night I'm going to stay up and take the rest of my acid. So I make the decision to stay up till 6 in the morning and take 2.5 tabs of blue gel acid tabs. I end up staying up all night and taking it sometime in between 630-8am. Pop em all on my tongue, leave them there for a second, drank some water, swished it around, swallowed and waited for it to kick in.

After about 20-30 minutes, which felt like instantly, I started to feel it. Normally like.. an hour, hour fifteen maybe start feeling something. Not this one. I knew it was gonna be strong because it started soo fast. I started by putting my headphones on and playing music from my computer on Spotify. I laid in bed and waited for the come up to kick in and my brother to go to work. He was supposed to leave by 9. 930-10ish comes around and he's still not gone. I hear him get up and I'm definitely coming up at this point. I open the door cuz he told me he's not going to work and can see his face already morphing into someone I didn't know. Feeling slightly worried that he was going to be there all day now, since I'd planned to go this alone I started to get anxious.

The visuals turned into whatever visuals look like when you're coming up REALLY HARD. Like tiny sharp lines everywhere, like it hasn't started all coming together yet and it's just lines not flowy. I put on music on my TV, (Spotify Refractions playlist) heard Croatia Amor - Love Means Taking Action. I wanted to play the Album on my TV with the Album art also. Couldn't get it to work.

I don't remember exactly what happened after that, I remember getting frustrated and then not really worrying about it any more. Me and brother were talking here and there. Asking me how hard I was tripping etc. He gave me a tiny bowl of weed to smoke at probably 1130-12. Fully peaking now he shows me a couple pictures of something on his phone and I absolutely freak shit. I start crying and screaming at him "Are you fucking serious?! Are you kidding me right now?! (brother) this is the most important thing I've ever been show." I was screaming and yelling and crying on the floor. I had no idea what to do at this point. The pictures were of a bunch of different things. But it was obviously psychedelic in nature. How it was psychedelic in nature felt as though the entire picture was symmetric, it had different psychedelic colors in it that caught my eye. (I often see the same few colors like pink, yellow and blue outlines) It felt like people were using it to get my attention and make money off of it. I felt betrayed, bewildered, and in complete disbelief that someone would use psychedelics for exploitation for un-pure intentions. The intentions did not feel pure at all. I was feeling so much feelings of connection to something higher it felt like they were using that feeling instead of it just being a picture with what I thought was psychedelic qualities. (I was confusing my feelings and their intentions) (realizing now it was my brother putting these notions on me)

I frantically started drawing on my white board. Erasing and talking to my brother trying to write down notes trying to figure out what I had seen. I had no idea what I was trying to figure it out because as soon I was able to piece together a thought and write it down I'd forgotten my thought process or where I was going with it or even the thought itself and I would only have written a few letters. At this point my mental state was in chaos. I started to believe I wasn't myself anymore. I was not myself, instead I was I felt I was my actual higher self thrust into my body. I was no longer me. My higher self was a young being or something being taught a lesson for all eternity over and over in this human realm until I learned my lessons and would be allowed to ascend in to higher realms in a different realm. I believed that my actions and thoughts and ideas effected this realm to such a degree that right now at this moment, if I didn't figure out whatever I was supposed trying to figure out, I would not be allowed to ascend and I'd be stuck on earth and would have to continue this life for eternity and if I did something was going to happen. Like I was going to literally not be on earth anymore and be something/somewhere else.

I feel that at one point I thought this was THE trip. The last trip. The longest trip. I was going to DIE. My brother was going to watch his brother die on psychedelics after I've been such an advocate and this and that. I got that familiar feeling of TRIPPING not just being on acid but on a TRIP. It's hard to explain but it feels like all of my trips are connected and I just go from being in that past trip space to the current one . I'm not to sure how to really explain but that's the best I got. I believed that my brother was like an older being and was teaching me lessons as I was a child. (He's 7 years younger than me) Then I believed that I was like a mentally unstable (savant??) type person who had been put through test after test after test to see if I was worthy enough to be the Middleman. (middleman is a role I'd created that would give everyone everything they'd ever needed like sustenance, love, happiness, everything) (I felt like a savant because I had these tiny magnetic balls I was playing with. Made me think of fidget spinner or baoding balls that to keep my mind occupied hence those feelings). For like all of the universe. The gods themselves were testing me to see if I was pure enough to make me some HUGE role in the higher COSMOS. I kept thinking they were paying attention to my thoughts and If I thought anything bad I would fail.

I though of like 7 Kingdom stuff and how there'd be different heads of things for the kingdoms like in Game of Thrones. I was to be the head of everything. I kept saying "No game of thrones" "game of thrones is bad" thinking about the actual game of thrones not the show (the game of thrones where people kill and sabotage each other). I started panickily writing things like "Middleman", no Middle man, my name, GOT, and random sad faces and smiley faces on a white board. I would repeat Middleman over and over. Middleman, Middleman, no middleman, no middleman. Game of thrones, no game of thrones. I would be the middle man instead because the middle man was always bad. I was to be the middle man because my intentions will ALWAYS come from a place of love, and betterment for all of mankind. Everyone is allowed to sit with us. Everyone is cool, everyone is welcome, everyone is loved. No discrimination. I cried and told my brother everyone deserves love. Duality really fucking me the fuck up. I eventually set the white board down and gave up trying to figure it out and transition into the next part of the trip. I settled down and was no longer panicked. My brother had given me a drawing canvas instead so I think I started trying to draw. Realizing that I was just out of my mind I tried to put the board incident behind me.

The rest of the day went on pretty uneventful. I sat on a stool and watched the rain through the sliding glass door wrapped in a blanket. When it started raining the patterns the water created on the ground as it made a wet spot was incredible. The patterns danced towards me inviting me to join them in getting wet so I went outside in the rain. Felt it touch me all over my body. I closed my eyes and imagined all the water in the air around me and felt like I was drowning. Completely immersed underwater. I gasped and opened my eyes and laughed. That was amazing not scary.

Other than that the next most memorable thing that happened was my brother left and I had another revelation. I had stopped using poi for so long and realized how much happiness and joy it used to bring me. I was so happy to learn things, getting stronger and progressing in something. Taking that away from myself was just taking away a piece of happiness that I'd allowed myself to love. I started bawling tears and doing poi. I was laughing a little bit too because I felt so dumb for letting that happen. Sadness, Happiness and disappointment all at the same time. That was pure magical. That was probably the best part of the trip.

After that brother came home. We talked about the difference between respect and fear and how fear is the one of the worst things imaginable. It is the opposite of love and it stops you from being human. Fear should be replaced with respect. Yes fear keeps me alive but it can also keep me from living. Being afraid of failing and making that my reason to not do things is a huge deal for me. I also said I needed to start respecting myself more. After that I just sorta winding down and went to bed.

Next day I woke up and my brother is gone for the weekend. I started writing this as one of the first things I did in the day. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, keeping my mind at ease and being so stressed. Completely at a loss on how to feel.

Day after I edited and added a few points I forgot. I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 113225
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Feb 11, 2023	Views: 427
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