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The Sense of Me or I Fell Away
Bufo alvarius Secretion
by Curador
Citation:   Curador. "The Sense of Me or I Fell Away: An Experience with Bufo alvarius Secretion (exp113272)". Erowid.org. Jun 28, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113272

 
DOSE:
1 hit smoked Toad Venom (dried)

BODY WEIGHT: 160 lb


My Non Dual Experience

5-MeO-DMT helped me have the most sublime human experience Iíve encountered up to this moment. This is not an endorsement or suggestion to do it. The following is only my experience.

For more than a year my journey through life has been in a pursuit to realize healing from a tragedy no parent should have to endure. My want was to experience the sacred in such a way that would restore my faith in life and would inspire me to keep living it happily.

When I started, a little over a year ago, I didnít know smoking the crystallized venom of an animal was even a thing, let alone might produce a difference of point of view that would forever change the way I think and feel about and navigate my life.

That being said, it was such a short experience, a very big one but lasting only 10 minutes. Add another 10 minutes gently reintegrating into my body and enjoying the sensation makes it 20 minutes total.

I did exactly as my guide told me to do. He explained for some time what I might expect, how he might help if things got too intense and even how to draw the smoke from the water pipe given his years personal experience and of tending others. He told me to do nothing if I encountered anything, to just let it happen and be as still and relaxed and open as I can.

As I inhaled all I could hold of the smoke from the pipe I released the pipe into his hands and deliberately lay my head back on the pillow at the end of the mat. As soon as I did a massive sensation of the deepest relaxation Iíve ever felt came over me. My body exhaled and sighed as it was too much effort to hold the breathe any longer. The sense of me or I fell away.

A humming sound or sensation, not loud or soft, was present and there was an awareness of geometric shapes and lines whisking past the mindís eye as if being sucked into a tunnel and picking up speed. There may have been a slight sense of fear but from that moment in memory there was only becoming aware of being in a place of absolutely pure, brilliant white.

I canít say it was light, but Iíll call it that, since there seemed to be no origin or point of beginning or direction or end. It was all around and the point of reference was from something like within. There was nothing, no feelings, no thoughts, no sound, anything, yet there was a sense of perfect contentment.

I must have been ďon my way backĒ since I started to notice my hands and arms. I lifted them up and saw nothing more than silhouettes and now my eyes are feeling like they are wide open. As I ďlookĒ at this white I suddenly inhale as if seeing the most magnificent thing Iíve ever gazed upon. In my periphery my hands looked abnormal like they had fewer fingers and they were longer. I made no effort to look closer but continued to gaze at the center. The sensation seemed like awe. You could say I gasped but softer and slower with wonder and surprise. The kind of wonder a child would have opening a present never imagined receiving but being so grateful upon opening it one could see that this was an just experience of a new sense of joy, deeper than anything the child had ever felt before.

Gratitude and joy were all that existed.
Gratitude and joy were all that existed.
As I perceived my hands which didnít feel like my hands but I felt a part of them surrounded an orb of light hardly distinguishable by an almost imperceptible line defining the orb. It was like balancing the orb in the middle of the hands. As I moved them like a movement in tai chi I inhaled in wonder again as if I just became aware that this was the universe or earth. It is all light and it is being loved on and held in this space of love since it is love, beyond understanding, that causes this phenomenon to occur and be sustained. That was my sense of understanding.

Nothing mattered, Yet it is all loved, Beyond understanding, Which makes it all possible and acceptable.

I was in this state of bliss for the remainder of my time. I felt nothing but infinite joy and gratitude then love moved through me causing my body to weep gently as I continued to stay with this light as long as I could. The moment I noticed being hooked by any emotion or thought I would simply and gently bring my awareness back to the light again and would feel or notice the blissful state. I was calm and happy.

I became aware of my guide and feeling so moved I reached for his hand in a gesture of thanks. I gently squeezed his hand, belly giggled, held it long enough for him to know that all was well and released it placing my arm back on the floor with my palms up. He had been quietly at my side the entire time. A perfect shepherd. I felt profound love and appreciation for him. Shortly after, I sensed him move on to the kitchen. He knew I was safe and started to prepare our meal.

I was experiencing the greatest sense of ecstasy my body could tolerate and wept gently all the while keeping my focus in the white. My thoughts were few and I found myself just noticing and appreciating. My breath was relaxed and deep. I felt bliss beyond anything I have experienced prior.

There were no entities, there was no thought and as for emotional states what I think I was experiencing was the awareness of these but not getting attached to anything. This was glory, this was beauty and the essence I sensed was that Ďthis is life and it is on purpose and that is all it needs to beí. It was the simplest of ideas that life itself is the only purpose.

I felt that I was in heaven and wished it could last but I knew I was re-entering the normal state of being, I gently touched my face with my fingers. They were cool and when I did I had the sense that I was alive and felt a new sense of gratitude for my own life. It was invigorating and I felt more alive. Again, gratitude. Again, joy. I belly laughed from deep within. As I write this it makes me smile and chuckle.

Iím happy to believe that what I experienced might be what itís like after this body breathes no more.

I think I got what I wanted and then some. (Big Smile and Chuckle)

It was the most beautiful experience Iíve ever had so far in this body.

Disclaimer: 5MeO-DMT is not for everyone and my experience may not be typical! This is not like my mushroom or ayahuasca experiences.
This is not like my mushroom or ayahuasca experiences.
Iíd not been able to reach a point of ďseparationĒ from the ego in those experiences. They come on slower and, for me, there has always been a point of reference from my ego going deeper, then resistance. In this experience the opposite seemed true. When I fully inhaled there was no turning back in any way. Once I felt it come on there was no time for bargaining. I was gone.

I guess I could liken it to hiking up a mountain and summiting after the climb (ingesting ayahuasca or mushrooms); this was like being flown to the summit blindfolded first and then becoming aware when at the summit. Then, it was a matter of riding the descent smoothly. Thatís kind of what it was like for me anyway.

I also think my experience was as a result of 22 years of practicing letting go of my ego, meditation practice, emotional cathartic work, ordeal processes, sensory deprivation work, some decent awareness of eastern thought and belief and practice and more than a few psychedelic experiences which have been intentional. That stated, I might have just been lucky.

But!! Maybe most important was my guide. I cannot say enough about his expertise and love really...and thoughtfulness. I think he would do it for free if he didnít have expenses and now I know why. My God, if I had only known earlier in my life this kind of experience were possibleÖ

I am positive that his long personal experience with this substance and his experience guiding others is the other main reason I had this type of experience. From vetting appropriate clients (this method is not for everyone) to preparation as to set and setting, then amount to use and delivery system all helped make this experience possible. If you do decide this is for you please invest the time in researching about it and a guide.

This is not an endorsement for doing this.

Exp Year: 2019ExpID: 113272
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 59 
Published: Jun 28, 2019Views: 1,367
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Toad Venom (46) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Guides / Sitters (39), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)

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Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.


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