Citation: Most Loved. "Waking Tunnel of DMT and a Scrambled Identity: An Experience with LSD, MDMA & Sleep Deprivation (exp113316)". Erowid.org. Jul 5, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113316
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Candyflipping DMT Delerium
I'm at this point in my life where I am ready to redefine the ways in which I give and receive love. I'm an experienced tripper for almost a decade, who has always embarked upon these journeys in the pursuit of diving deeper into understanding. I'm a little bit confused about who I am. I just switched careers. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back, and I'm working through navigating toxic family habits.
I have arrived at long anticipated 3-day camping and music event, with the ambiance of psychedelia frosted all throughout. I drove 8 hours through the night, to arrive there in the morning and get ahead of all of the hype. I am too excited to nap, yet too tired to party.
I am too excited to nap, yet too tired to party.
I set up my campsite and run off to retrieve the half sheet of white-on-white LSD that I had reserved. At this point - I decide to take half of an ecstacy pill to keep me jolly, as I've decided that I won't be sleeping today. I wander through the forest and across the fields to where some friends are staying, and I take a tab out of the amount that I had picked up. Figuring... I have candy-flipped plenty amount of times and I always have a very uplifting experience of divinity and wonder.
It's about 1pm now, the music will be starting soon, and I'm feeling rather strange. I feel the ecstasy coming on with a very warm rolling sensation and I'm feeling the acid coming on slightly as well. I wander over to the stage areas and join in on a session of people on swings and hanging gymnastic rings - inside of a dome that has been set up for the event. As I am inside of this dome, we are all there together, yet - I start to feel extremely disassociated from everybody there. I feel like I am the "other". I try desperately to connect and stay connected but I drift further and further into my own shadow self and deep social boundaries. I cannot avoid them. Still I remain swinging for 2 hours as people come and go. I'm just swinging back and forth for 2 whole hours watching people and myself interact... or at least try. The weather is amazing. Everything is perfect, or at least it feels like it should be. But - something is terribly wrong and I cannot pull myself out. I fall further and further into this deep subconscious hole that just completely engulfs me with no mercy.
After 2 hours of being alone, yet surrounded by so many people on these swings, I get off without saying a word to the people that have met me there, and I start walking back to my site. Completely ignoring artists that have began to play, I feel completely swallowed by this overload of acid and MDMA in a state of sleep deprivation. I can only describe the next 4 hours as a waking tunnel of DMT and a scrambled identity that hates itself for all of the right reasons. I can't see where I'm walking. On the way back to my site I keep getting lost. I think I know where I'm headed, and I intuitively try to follow paths that only lead me behind vendors and behind the stage areas. Basically everywhere that wouldn't lead me back to camp, and everywhere that nobody would think to go. At one point I stumbled into a complicated mess of wires and generators with no idea of the direction from which I came.
Somehow, I made it back to camp. By this point I was feeling a very deliberate punishment from my higher self as I feel like every single person at this festival is a rogue double-agent of myself
I feel like every single person at this festival is a rogue double-agent of myself
, there to watch and observe me losing much more than just my mind. I was punishing myself for everything. I knew somehow that due to my sleep deprivation I had triggered some form of waking sleep. I felt like I was completely in a dream and my emotions were taking control of everything. In the thick of it, I have a hard time remembering what was actually happening to me but I felt completely lost in a glitch. My reality was falling apart and I didnt know what to do with myself. I felt on an external level that I had actually lost my mind, and this one would really put me in a padded room. On the inside - I was rolling through thoughts and emotions like some severe form of hijacking. Sound was cancelling out and turning into frequencies, in and out. My thoughts were externalizing themselves through the people around me and what I was hearing from my surroundings. Sometimes, I was completely surrounded by what I know was loud music and jolly friends having a good time, and there was only silence in my perception. In my visuals, I saw the beings that I normally see on DMT acting out my emotions through the fractals. I felt touched at all times. I was hearing a very loud voice guiding my thoughts and trying to integrate it back into my own mind because it no longer felt like mine.
I eventually draped a scarf across my face and stared up at the sunlight for a few hours going through a mass purging of .. everything. My higher realm beings were rubbing down my body and I just kept going deeper and deeper. I had stopped asking for help and I just allowed this to happen. I was being guided by a shape-shifting jester who would guide my emotions and vomit to help me release them. I wasn't throwing up, but I would be bending over in pain as if I was, while he was throwing up in my visuals. Friends and strangers came to ask me if I was okay and all I could reply is "I'm so lost in my own sauce, just let me endure this". The pain and suffering that I had felt from the judgements and emotions that I was harboring, and the vibrations that they create - I felt their true quantum effects. I felt what I had created. All of the pain and sadness that I was holding onto, I felt how it was making me sick, and I had to let it go. I cried and cried until the voice came to me loudly again and said "You are the most amazing one of all because you love everyone and everything without hesitation. You do not stop yourself from loving, but when you do, it hurts you like this. You will see now, that you can only love, and those who cannot love like you, will always look upon you with confusion. You will never be understood like you understand, and that will always cause you pain. This is your curse, and your gift. It is the endless bi-polarity that you will experience, and you must go on loving."
After I listened to this voice, I started to sob in gratitude for everyone that had been around me, at this entire event to facilitate space for me. I was exactly where I belonged. I finally was able to fall asleep. I learned a lot that day. I woke up the next morning and found the guy that I loved so much, but wasnt ready to love me back. I gave him a humongous hug from behind, I said "I'm so happy to see you, just the way you are". He spun me around and hugged me tight. I said I'd see him later and walked away, feeling completely loved, with no attachment, and at peace. That day was amazing. I felt cleansed and reborn.
I now keep in mind that a mixture of LSD, ecstasy, and complete sleep-deprivation catapulted me into the hyperspace of emotional healing that a sleep state would naturally achieve on a much milder scale. I experienced mind bending hours of emotional unveiling and purging, my reality breaking down through all senses, and feeling like I was stuck in my own personal dichotomous heaven and hell, forever. I would imagine Ayahuasca to be similar to this experience on some level. I'm super grateful to have experienced this. Stay loving, mind surfers ~
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