Citation: Anatoli Smorin. "The Sensation of Orange: An Experience with Kratom, Methoxetamine & Alcohol (exp113332)". Erowid.org. Jul 9, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113332
The Sensation of Orange
I have been experimenting relatively extensively with substances for slightly over a decade. My usage spans the classes of opioids, opiates, dissociatives, tryptamines, phenethylamines, stimulants, and benzodiazepines. I take a particular interest in combining substances to tailor fit my desires in a given scenario.
On the day of the experience detailed below, I had the intention of taking my highest dosage of kratom to date. Abstemious dosing was not in the cards this night. I was hoping to test the substance’s potential ability to be used in a similar recreational manner as I might use other opiates. I have had several experiences with kratom before, including one two weeks prior.
I have had several experiences with kratom before, including one two weeks prior.
During the previous usage, I had limited my intake of kratom to three and a half grams that were spread out over about four hours. Towards hour four of that experience I added methoxetamine to potentiate the relaxation. The pairing of these two substances piqued my interest. I approached the experience described below with the plan that I primarily wanted to see if kratom could produce the recreational effects I desired at a dosage that did not become off-putting in terms of swallowing too much physical mass. If I reached my limit for swallowing kratom capsules prior to achieving the targeted intensity, I would add methoxetamine to the evening to potentiate the kratom and delve a little deeper into the possible synergistic effects of this combination.
On the day of the experience I had no tolerance to any of the substances consumed besides cannabis. I typically smoke a few hits of cannabis every evening from an oil-vaporizing pen. I take 2400 mg of mesalamine and 5000 IU of vitamin D daily for a lifelong stomach condition. I do not believe these had an effect on the experience.
For the entirety of the experience I was alone at my home with my trusty dog Gee as copilot.
The methoxetamine used in this experience was sourced from a reliable chemist and has been tested to verify its identity and purity [>98 %].
The kratom was sourced in a very ordinary manner through a company that has been prevalent and well reviewed for a fair amount of time. The particular product I ingested was pulverized leaf material of Mitragyna speciosa of the Thai variety (packed into capsules of 500 mg per unit). The capsules, and the bag they came in smell very similar to a strong green or black tea. The scent reminds me of a lawn cut a few days ago – not the fresh cut smell, but similarly earthy and attractive yet somehow slightly aged and dusty.
The zolpidem and alprazolam ingested were both sourced from a legitimate pharmacy.
This report was written using extensive written notes in combination with an audio recording of the experience. I am confident that the time stamps provided are accurate within +- 60 seconds.
T + 00:00 [6:44 PM]
I swallow four capsules [two grams] of kratom to kick off the evening. I am slightly concerned about becoming nauseous because I finished a workout at the gym twenty minutes ago and rapidly consumed a protein shake upon my return home. For this reason I decide to spread out my initial dosage slightly. I’m also not excited about the sheer volume of material I will be consuming during this experience.
T + 00:04 [6:48 PM]
Two additional capsules [one gram] are swallowed. I do not yet feel any effects.
T + 00:07 [6:51 PM]
I am slightly startled by a gentle glow warming the insides of my forearms. This first alert is identical to my prior (lower dosage) experiences with kratom. In the past it has taken closer to thirty minutes to achieve this level of ± on the Shulgin Rating Scale.
T + 00:09 [6:53 PM]
Anxious to move forward with my intentions of tasting a strong experience with the substance, I add ingest another capsule [.5 gram].
T + 00:12 [6:56 PM]
I am not experiencing any stomach discomfort yet, so I push forward with another capsule [.5 gram]. I take a few extra sips of water so that my stomach is not filled solely with capsule material and finely shredded kratom leaf.
My mind feels about the same as it did before taking my first capsules. There has been no increase in physical effects past my initial detection of the opioid-esque glow in my forearms, which has all but disappeared now unfortunately.
T + 00:18 [7:02 PM]
I am already getting annoyed with the process of swallowing so many darn capsules. I force back two more [one gram] and decide to take a bit of a break from the consumption schedule.
A few burps pop up and the slightly unpleasant earthy taste of the kratom dominates my palate.
T + 00:26 [7:10 PM]
A light wave of mental relaxation rolls through my mind. My upper back has slight acute pain; tightness and throbbing around my right levator scapulae. I am hopeful the kratom will soon diminish this discomfort.
T + 00:34 [7:18 PM]
I swallow two additional capsules [one gram]. I am not feeling a whole lot yet, and admittedly this is a little disappointing. There has been absolutely no wallop to the experience nor any opioid euphoria. The slightest bit of pain reduction is now noticeable in my back, but only enough to barely take the edge off. The effect’s intensity is less than other substances I would use to treat pain such as: low dosage opioids (ex. 5 mg oxycodone), NSAIDs (ex. 800 mg of ibuprofen), or alcohol (ex. 3 ml 40% ABV).
T + 00:39 [7:23 PM]
Although the discomfort in my upper back persists, I feel a little upbeat and talkative. I am struck by a sudden contentedness with regards to my level of intoxication. I’ve been a little antsy for things to ramp up; for the experience to be more than it is. This desire has washed away, allowing me to ponder other thoughts beyond desires. The first thing that rolls into my thoughts is how this is the time of the day I would usually want an alcoholic beverage. I have been trying to cut back on this recently and am very pleased to find no yearning to pour myself something. I make a note in my journal about the potential of using this substance for alcohol craving reduction.
T + 00:45 [7:29 PM]
With my stomach not feeling any discomfort from the kratom capsules thus far, I toss four more capsules back [two grams] with the assistance of a full glass of water.
Upon sitting down on the couch, my dog Gee hops up to join me. As we settle in under a light blanket, my right quadricep begins to tremor. The twitching is rapid but not deep or severe. At least once a second a tremor occurs. This does not unnerve me, but I find it a little odd.
I put on some music, opting for some lo-fi electronic tunes. I’m working on some writing, and also intermittently moving about the apartment tidying it up. My thought processing is largely normal. I am the slightest bit stimulated: the meandering around the apartment without true purpose is not standard practice for me when sober. This stimulation is, like the rest of the experience thus far; lackluster. I write a note regarding the potential therapeutic/performance enhancement use of kratom, now thinking it might work as a mild stimulant during work. So far, for recreation, I find it okay but not exciting.
T + 00:45 [9:04 PM]
During one of my random trips off the couch, I drink a full glass of water and refill my bottle hoping to ward off nausea caused by all the unusual material ingestion.
I am still hopeful that the effects will ramp up. If the slight warm buzz in my arms does not increase soon, my intent is to push myself a bit in terms of dosage. The goal is to see what a significantly higher dosage than I have taken previously is like. I am undeniably feeling the substance, so I place myself at a very low +.
T + 00:57 [7:41 PM]
“Ahhhhh . . . Here I go!”; reads my journal. My entire body is relaxing now, all of its tension fades. A low steady pulsation of warmth, and dare I say, a hint of euphoria emanate from within my fingers, palms, and forearms. In an unexpectedly congenial congruence with these more “downer” effects is a significant uptick in mental stimulation. This surpasses the energy boost I can achieve with caffeine (which I am more easily affected by than many other people) and reaches the level of a low stimulant dosage. The most similar thing that I have tried is 2-FMA in the 9-13 mg range. There is no euphoria or stimmy rush, only increased mental performance in categories of focus, accuracy, and speed. Not only am I sharper, but clearer. My ideas organize smoothly and easily. The words I write seem to need little editing; a complete rarity for me.
I have a flutter of uneasiness in my stomach but brush this aside as a minor price to pay for being in this unique state of being.
Light swirling pressure curls downward from the top of my skull to my eyes. The sensation is brief but enjoyable.
Light swirling pressure curls downward from the top of my skull to my eyes. The sensation is brief but enjoyable.
As it passes, I make my way to the bathroom and note that despite the increase in other effects, my shoulder still hurts just the same as it did earlier.
Inside the bathroom it is much darker than the living room. The parts of the room that are dominated by shadows snap to life with vibrating visual noise: a static-like layer of black and white shapes that continually flicker and change. These shapes are different than very similar visual effects I experience on almost all other psychoactive compounds. The “bits and pieces” are much smaller now. They are almost see-through and do not override the objects in the room, instead they seem to form a glimmering layer that sits on the surface of the walls, cabinets, and baseboards.
My arms are vibrating with a touch of euphoria: a light throbbing of pleasure. This sensation also presents itself in my lower body. The outsides of my knees and fleshy parts of my feet are particularly tingly.
T + 01:02 [7:46 PM]
I want to up my dosage considerably, but my stomach feels a little topsy turvy from all the kratom. I opt for the more manageable option of continuing my consumption slowly but surely. I take two more capsules [one gram].
I feel affectionate and my main activity is cuddling with Gee. I am remorseful that she was at home longer than normal today by herself. I get her a marrow bone from the freezer and smile to myself as I watch her enjoy the treat.
T + 01:28 [8:12 PM]
There is a piece of me that is unsatisfied with the experience. Having enjoyed methoxetamine in concert with kratom when I first tried the combination last week, I decide to diversify my substance ingestion.
I make my way to the kitchen counter where I prepare to weigh out my initial dosage of methoxetamine. My eyelids are slightly droopy and the eyes behind them register pleasant feelings of pulsing pressure. My mental state is one of relative clarity. I feel less dopey and “out of it” than I would on oxycodone or other related substances. That being said, I am feeling far less euphoric than I would on even mid to low-level dosages of many opioids or opiates.
My fingers buzz pleasantly as I cut 12 mg of methoxetamine into a small line. My hand eye coordination seems normal as I align the one end of the straw with the powder and the other with my right nostril. I insufflate the powder. My hope is to boost the effects of the kratom and get a second view at these substances in combination. I don’t have the intent of tripping heavily.
T + 01:30 [8:14 PM]
I keep on keeping on, by swallowing another capsule [.5 gram].
T + 01:40 [8:24 PM]
My mind remains clear but my eyelids grow heavier by the minute. All four limbs are starting to disappear from my self-scans. Less and less am I able to locate the place in space where my legs connect to the couch beneath me.
My leg spasms return but in a less frequent cadence than earlier today. Both of my quads shake with a quick set of tremors about every five seconds. After two minutes, both legs become still.
T + 01:46 [8:30 PM]
The methoxetamine reaches its tendrils of sedation into me. I call Gee up to join me on the couch once again. We both lay down (big spoon / little spoon) and I pet her ears slowly as my arms grow increasingly heavy. I can feel couch lock setting in. My mental condition is beginning to develop fuzziness. I am enjoying some light music (light in volume and energy), and have given up on the reading I was doing previously.
T + 01:46 [10:05 PM]
A headache threatens to develop; there is a dull tension in the upper front section of my brain. I’m plenty hydrated so this surprises me.
T + 01:54 [8:38 PM]
The kratom seems to be easing down from its initial rise of intensity. I’m a little disappointed: I have been choking back capsules about as frequently as I think I can with inducing stomach discomfort, added a touch of dissociatives, and am still underwhelmed.
T + 01:58 [8:42 PM]
I prepare 8 mg of methoxetamine and insufflate it. While up and moving about, I take a shot [one ounce, 40% ABV] of whiskey. The decision to increase my dosage, and to add alcohol to the mix, is an easy one. The kratom has not had any waves of intensity. There has been a very steady level of intoxication that made this additional dosing predictable. I feel there is minimal concern of overdoing it at this point in time.
T + 02:20 [9:04 PM]
The onset of the methoxetamine is faster in combination with kratom than when I take it on its own. I am sitting happily between a + and a ++ with the opiate euphoria taking a backseat to the more sedating and numbing effects of the methoxetamine.
The two substances are playing nicely with each other. The kratom is making the methoxetamine more euphoric and functional than I typically find it. The relatively low amount of methoxetamine I insufflated is affecting me more than it would if I had taken it alone.
T + 02:25 [9:09 PM]
I navigate to the kitchen and note that I still have my faculties about me. I pour three ounces of whiskey [40% ABV] over ice and begin to sip it immediately. The flavor is pleasantly brackish. I don’t have any appetite suppression or any large change in my sense of taste.
The alcohol is almost immediate in its delivery of lovely physical sensations. Head to toe I can feel my flesh flush and I begin to feel almost squishy; my body has the consistency of a pencil eraser. The three substances show elegant collegiality.
T + 02:44 [9:28 PM]
The introduction of hard alcohol to my experience has stepped up the intensity and I realize I could still have a darn good time; that I may not have missed the window of opportunity to achieve the higher-level kratom experience after all. I return to the bag of kratom capsules and manage to ingest six pills [three grams]. I know full well I am starting to play with fire by bringing alcohol into the mix, as the substance is notorious for causing nausea. Although I do not have my normal tolerance right now, I generally do not have severe issues with dizziness or the other ill effects often associated with drinking. I decide to keep a sharp eye on my alcohol intake. Additionally I take the precautionary measure of toasting some bread that I top with pesto and thinly sliced salted tomatoes. I figure having some sustenance is a good idea if I can stomach it.
T + 02:48 [9:32 PM]
I swear I can already feeling the latest kratom dosage beginning to kick in. This seems fast, but I don’t deny what my body and mind are telling me. My left shoulder has pressure building inside it, originating within the socket, the feeling is mildly painful and uncomfortable but I continue to shift it around to increase the sensation. I am no masochist but the “negative” feelings of discomfort must be repeated like scratching an itch. The warming grind of muscle and bone bring a grimace of pleasure my face. Along with my painful pleasure there is my growing dissociation between mind and body. My heart is beating a little bit heavier, thumping against the skin on my chest, but my resting heat rate remains normal at 64 BPM.
T + 02:52 [9:36 PM]
My mental focus is dwindling. I can still feel sharpness and clarity within my thoughts but they are starting to relax their exactness; the crisp acceleration felt earlier is fading away. My ability to retain motivation on a specific task is also beginning to fail.
T + 02:58 [9:42 PM]
Delightfully heavy eyelids pull themselves shut. Once closed the lids produce a swelling and retraction of pressure that randomly fluctuates between exceptionally and mildly pleasurable.
I am aware of mini “snap backs” during which the intensity of effects drops. While the snap backs occur I feel lonely and bored. These dips last only a few seconds before I can re-engross myself in whatever I am reading or thinking about. The frequency of these melancholic moments appears to be without reason or pattern.
T + 03:01 [9:45 PM]
A lovely opiate glow develops in my forearms and then quickly changes modality. The glow is not so much a buzzing or vibration, but rather, a growing tension; similar to how tendons feel when flexed. The tension makes handling my bag and scale a tad bit more difficult as I prepare seven mg of methoxetamine. Once pleased with the accuracy of the weighing process, I promptly insufflate the finely crushed powder.
Comparing how I feel now to my condition earlier in the day is difficult. I cannot remember earlier that well. Reading some of the notes I have taken helps, but I feel myself slipping into a state of mind where only the present moment matters and is easily comprehensible. Concerns of the future and the past both seem distant.
I feel myself slipping into a state of mind where only the present moment matters and is easily comprehensible. Concerns of the future and the past both seem distant.
T + 03:06 [9:50 PM]
I take two kratom capsules [one gram]. The grassy, slightly off putting taste has become less intense as I consume more of the capsules.
I generally find methoxetamine (when used by itself) to be confusing in a manner that is not enjoyable or productive. The kratom is keeping the jumbled brain and extreme short-term memory issues at bay. My mental condition is more akin to an open psychedelic mind state: one that wanders without purpose or intent but seems to stumble onto pleasant and interesting thoughts and ideas no matter what turns it makes. There are a few instances where I get lost and find myself without a clue as to what I was originally trying to discuss with myself. These dead ends are outliers to a pleasant flow of thought and are easily shrugged off.
I take a medium hit (three second inhale) of cannabis oil from a vaporizer pen. Upon exhale, my arms begin buzzing at a higher frequency and greater intensity than at any point thus far in the experience. This is finally
the dopey, euphoric, “opiate state” that I have been hoping kratom could provide. This only lasts a few minutes, but it is glorious.
An undeniable wave of hunger roars up from the pit of my stomach. The munchies are here. I salivate as I think of all the fresh groceries that await me in the kitchen. I begin to build the perfect snack platter in my mind in tantalizing detail.
The fantasies of food are interrupted sharply. Suddenly, I am able to register sensation from only a single piece of my existence; my eyelids. Specifically the bottom third of the lids that connect to my eyelashes. They are staggeringly heavily! This came out of nowhere! I mean; shit! Concrete and stone have replaced my skin and blood vessels. My entire being fights to keep my eyelids hovering even a millimeter above completely shut. I throw in the proverbial towel and embrace darkness as both eyes glue shut.
T + 03:17 [10:01 PM]
I emerge back into the world after a few minutes, the time seems to have passed both slowly and instantaneously. This latest peak registers over a ++ on the Shulgin Rating Scale.
The soreness in my shoulder has entirely dissipated. Like afternoon shadows growing into dusk, the kratom has sneakily erased my pain without me noticing. The pain was there, and then it wasn’t. I never felt it wash away.
Like afternoon shadows growing into dusk, the kratom has sneakily erased my pain without me noticing. The pain was there, and then it wasn’t. I never felt it wash away.
The rest of my body is pretty numb. Not in a “Woah I’m high” fashion, but rather, a “I am not noticing anything specific” to write about sort of way. My arms and hands continue to tingle lightly and the pure heaviness of my eyelids is slowly turning into a throbbing pressure behind my eyes. The sensation is orange. The pulsations are not too fast, too slow, too heavy, or too light. A pure orange orb grows slowly in my mind’s eye. It is pure in energy, intent, and coloration; orange perfection.
As I draw focus to the salamander orange sphere that floats in the velvety black abyss of my mind, the skin on my face feels tight and toasted; like sunburn. In delight, I crinkle up my nose and shut my eyes tighter.
My sunburn daydream is interrupted by a lurch from within me. A sharp twisting of nausea in my stomach jars me to reality.
T + 03:46 [10:30 PM]
The silence in my apartment becomes noisy. Tinnitus is coalescing with the soft whir of the refrigerator to result in a cacophonous soundscape. My stomach has settled itself, but I remain a bit “snapped back”. I decide to hydrate with a glass of water and retrieve some socks. My body is cold, but also clammy. I feel some of the classic opiate effects, but they are dull and uninspiring. There is no “wow factor”. It feels like I am way on the tail end of an experience in which I used a more euphoric opiate or opioid. I can sense my body's true discomfort hidden behind the effects of both substances. I know if I don’t focus on the noise or stomach ache, they will be swept away: overpowered by the next wave of intoxication.
T + 03:55 [10:39 PM]
My stomach alerts me once again that it is not entirely enjoying the amount of plant material and capsules I have asked it to process. I have no desire to push myself to the point of vomiting, so I quickly decide I am done with kratom for the evening. Not wanting the night to end however, I pour one ounce of whiskey [40% ABV] into a shot.
T + 04:16 [00:35 AM + 1]
I’ve been messaging a few friends on my phone, watching some television, and snuggling with Gee for the past bit of time. My headspace is light and dopey. Thoughts remain clear and I find decision-making is easier than normal. I often struggle with indecisiveness, but I currently feel happily freed from overthinking. I’m nowhere near a careless or reckless condition like I might while intoxicated on higher dosages of alcohol or MDMA. This is a lovely state of mind to be in. I could be in public, even at my office - that is the first time I have ever thought that about methoxetamine!
I want to go sniff another bit of MXE but I’m in such a groove with my writing I can’t be bothered to tear myself away. Even as I feel my feet falling asleep, I don’t re-adjust myself. I’m very much sucked into the computer screen in front of me. The concentration is enhanced but fluid, not overpowering or crimpy like an amphetamine type focus. The pace of my thoughts is sliiiightly increased, but nothing rampant.
T + 04:25 [11:09 PM]
I continue my mental retreat from the orange existence of a few minutes ago. The “pull back” is starting to feel more like a “come down”.
I weigh out thirty mg of a sativa dominant strain of cannabis and smoke it through a vaporizer in just a few large hits.
The cannabis brings with it a lack of motivation: writing seems boring and more of a task than an enjoyable activity. The change in drive is almost immediate. Five seconds ago I was enjoying my notes and the process of formalizing them. Now I am annoyed to have to write down that I’m annoyed with writing things down.
Now I am annoyed to have to write down that I’m annoyed with writing things down.
Other effects such as heavy eyelids, slightly unfocused vision, and that good ‘ol forearm glow all swell up upon my exhales of smoke.
T + 04:29 [11:13 PM]
I forget that I had decided to call it quits on the kratom and snag a capsule off the kitchen counter (.5 gram) as I retrieve a beer from the refrigerator.
I make my way to the bathroom. Peeing is slow, I can’t get started even though the sensation of requiring urination is obviously present in my bladder. Standing and moving about the house makes me feel a bit weak and wobbly. I can’t tell if this is a direct result of the substance ingestion or from the lack of dinner. My hands feel like they are shaking. I try and see if they actually are or not. It speaks to my level of intoxication that it takes me a few minutes to convince myself that they are indeed fluttering with rapid but minuscule tremors.
To escape from the feelings of fragility I curl up on couch once again with Gee to cuddle and watch a movie (one of the Harry Potter films is on TV). I cannot be bothered to pick anything specific or even flip through channels.
The symptoms of ill do not depart despite my relaxation efforts. My stomach is threatening me with a purge. Some deep cyclical breathing quells the threat some, but does not do away with it entirely.
Nausea and dizziness enter a tug of war with pleasant itches and warm vibrations that radiate out from my bones. A pretty darn enjoyable state swaps back and forth with one of borderline misery. A level of ++ on the Shulgin Rating Scale is sustained during both the positive and negative directions.
My stomach tosses, turns, and then settles like the small white flakes inside of a snow globe. Unfortunately for me, the snow globe of nausea is in the hands of a small child who shakes the globe the moment things begin to settle down.
Time is difficult to track. The clock constantly surprises me with how little it has changed each time I check it.
T + 04:52 [1:11 AM + 1]
Not knowing what will help my stomach, I elect no food but another glass of water. Physical navigation highlights a mix of dissociative and opiate effects. My knees are warm and filled with pleasure, but my calves and hips lack coordination and sensitivity. The result is me walking a bit robotically, with some pieces of my body feeling heavier than others.
T + 05:09 [11:53 PM]
I make the grand effort of relocating Gee, notebooks, pens, and my computer from the living room into the bedroom. The hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention as I change a load of laundry to the dryer. The dryer is located at the end of a walk-in closet, and find myself running out of said closet and bounding into the bed. A sobering eeriness eats at me. This is not psychedelic paranoia – I’m gripped by irrational childish fear of the darkness. The overhead light is on at full blast as I clutch onto a startled Gee (who apparently is not sharing my bizarre momentary fear).
T + 05:11 [1:30 AM + 1]
I am ready to trend towards sleep. The methoxetamine is tossing a thin layer of stimulation over my mind. Well aware of the risks that come with combining opiates and other CNS depressants, I decide against benzodiazepines at this point and opt for five mg of zolpidem. I know this dosage won’t make me sleep, it wouldn’t do that if I was sober, but it will start to nudge me in that direction.
T + 05:21 [1:40 AM +1]
The zolpidem contributes quickly to my intoxication. My eyes shift left to right faster than sober when I am sober. This juxtaposes with my mental fatigue. My mind captures only a few snappy frames as my focus traverses my visual field rather than the normal “smooth video” that I would normally associate with turning my head.
My mind captures only a few snappy frames as my focus traverses my visual field rather than the normal “smooth video” that I would normally associate with turning my head.
T + 05:38 [1:57 AM + 1]
After verifying that my resting heart rate is not significantly slower than normal (62 beats per minute currently), I eat another five mg of zolpidem.
T + 05:44 [00:28 AM + 1]
I pour two ounces of whiskey [40% ABV] as a shot. My gag reflex, normally unresponsive to hard alcohol, springs to life. My stomach muscles tense, from bottom to top, mimicking the physical action of vomiting – Nothing materializes.
T + 05:54 [00:38 AM + 1]
Wow, it is not even 1 AM yet? The grains of sand in the mental hourglass that are tracking my perception of time have slowed drastically. My thoughts remain active and I complete some editing on one of my writing projects. The whiskey seems to melt into the effects of the other substances, raising all their individual intensities just slightly.
T + 06:06 [2:25 AM + 1]
The zolpidem is barely having any effect on my desire to sleep. I know the alprazolam and clonazolam that are calling my name would induce a beautiful sleep. Alas, I’m wary of stacking too many substances on top of one another, especially the kratom, which I’m relatively inexperienced with. I am anticipating very little sleep tonight, and mentally prepare to deal with work tomorrow in whatever exhausted state I must. Normally this would give me some concern, but right now, my outlook about tomorrow is positive.
Actually, my whole outlook on life seems abnormally upbeat. My mind wanders to my partner Kai and what special thing I could do soon to show her my appreciation of her love. I immerse in a memory of meeting Kai, what she was wearing, her smile, and what those magical first interactions felt like. I’m not recalling in a closed eyed visual sort of way, but the memories are in more of a video format than my usual words, photographs, and emotions formatting. This trip down memory lane is immersive and intense.
T + 06:12 [00:56 AM + 1]
I feel myself sobering up slightly. An extended comedown is not especially appetizing to me, so I opt for a beer [12 ounces 6.2% ABV] to continue my journey downwards towards sleep. I use my first sip of the beer to swallow .25 mg of alprazolam.
T + 06:26 [1:10 AM + 1]
Unpleasant rumblings reverberate through my lower gut. The beer is going down slow. I desire the intoxication, but am cautious of aggravating my straining stomach.
T + 06:31 [2:50 AM + 1]
I’m slipping into a hypnagogic state; still mentally in control of my thoughts, but the edges of reality are beginning to morph and bend into dream. My bed is more comfortable than normal and there is absolutely no tension in any part of my body. I enjoy the silence and comfort as I allow my mind to empty and eyes to close.
I remain physically relaxed and my eyelids begin a vivid visual display. A circular system of dancing cartoon dogs rotates counter clockwise. The motion of their legs creates an effect of multiplication until my vision swims with what used to be legs, but is now only a field of oblong shapes organizing and reorganizing themselves (while retaining the same small forward and backward motion) into organic but symmetrical shapes. The outlines of the shapes collide and create a mix of simplistic and complex patterns. The visual is unusually immersive. I almost feel as though the movement is present deep within my own arms and legs. When I pop out of the visual trance and become more aware of “reality”, I find that I’m a little confused about who was moving; me? the dogs? Both? or were we the same thing?
The zolpidem and alprazolam drag me towards sleep. I set four staggered alarms for the next morning. It takes me several attempts to unlock my phone due to poor hand-eye coordination.
T + 06:40 [1:24 AM + 1]
As I begin to lose the battle of staying awake I manage to have a coherent conversation online with an important colleague. I am unsure how detailed my memory will be of this interaction tomorrow (it ends up being pretty browned out; I recall it happened and the major talking points but re-reading the conversation revealed details I had no recollection of).
T + 06:43 [1:27 AM + 1]
I can tell that if I completely shut off my brain I would be asleep in minutes. As a person who suffers from a form of insomnia, this is a beautiful feeling. I attempt to find my pulse but cannot, which worries me slightly. After some concentrated breathing, I clock it at 68 BPM. My breath feels a little haggard and shallow; I have to press my fingers harder than normal into my neck to find the rhythm of my breath.
T + 06:53 [1:37 AM + 1]
As per my routine before sleep – I attempt to pee before committing to a horizontal position for the night. I cannot release easily despite the fact that it feels like I need to.
T + 07:13 [1:57 PM + 1]
Both eyelids are increasingly harder to open even slightly. If I manage to achieve any sort of ‘open status’, it is 75% at best. In this semi-open status my vision drifts out of focus, requiring active concentration to re-focus them. I am majorly drowsy and tired.
I try to open both eyelids but my right eyelid is so delayed with its opening that I witness bizarre split vision. The left half of my visual world is a blurry version of the world I expect to see, while the right side is a muddled pink blob of eyelid. After a period of a few seconds, the right half flashes and reveals the room in front of me. The room I see in the focal aftermath almost seems fake. Not only is my vision saturated and fuzzy but the hole scene, reality itself, seems distant and difficult to connect with.
T + 11:00 [7:19 AM + 1]
I arise in a haze, standing up and almost losing my balance. I’m looking for water, which I desperately crave. Luckily there's a mason jar of water on my nightstand. The hydration is divine, like heavy rain during drought. I blow out the candle that I have left burning all night. This is extremely uncharacteristic of me – I find unattended open flames risky.
T + 12:46 [7:30 AM + 1]
Out of habit I head to the bathroom. I arrive there with vertigo. I am very lightheaded and can feel my internal body temperature rising uncomfortably. I do not feel alright. I turn and stumble, using the door frame for support as I access the thermostat. I crank the air conditioning and go to the couch.
T + [8:01 AM + 1]
My existence is dizzy, woozy, and alien. Dehydration, clamminess, and overall feebleness are my totality. Things turn south quickly and I rush to the bathroom. I vomit several times in rapid succession. Still feeling too hot, I take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and get some fresh air. It’s crisp outside (about 50 degrees Fahrenheit), and the breeze feels divine as it creates goosebumps on my exposed skin.
Upon my return, the temperature indoors is less friendly and I get sick once again. My hands are shaking and my head wobbles. I feel something similar to the classic alcohol “spins” but there is less visual effect. I have the sensation of internally rotating, but in a head over heels manner, rather than a horizontal motion.
T + 14:31 [9:15 AM + 1]
I’m able to prop myself up on the couch and not feel nauseated. My physical pain is decreased in my shoulder somewhat still but I have no buzz or recreational afterglow.
I make my way through a shower feeling like a zombie. As I am dressing myself and starting to think that the office might not be too terrible today, the tumbling sensation returns to my head and stomach. I decide to work from home today rather than be around other people and have to pretend to feel normal.
I make myself comfortable on the couch with a large glass of water and my phone in case someone from work needs to reach me. My plan is to nap and be asleep for some of the recovery time.
T + 17:51 [12:35 PM + 1]
I wake up from a sound sleep. I’m still hot without blankets or many clothes on but the imminent sickness is gone. I’m down to a slightly hungover baseline at this point.
This was an interesting experience on a few different levels. It did not decisively answer my question about whether or not kratom is a substance I could use to replace other opioid/opiate substances for intense experience recreational purposes. I lean towards “no”, at least not in the capsule form I was using. I attribute my hangover and nausea to the sheer amount of material I had to consume, not from pushing the intensity limit in and of itself. I will probably try one of the kratom extract products to see if the change in form makes for a more comfortable digestive experience.
While some certifiable euphoria levels were reached, it simply took too much effort (constantly consuming) for me to repeat this experience with the strong recreational intent. Multiple places in my notes however, I mention the potential use this substance appears to have for pain management. It did have pain killing effects while allowing me to maintain a high mental functionality. I truly felt I could have been in public and interacting with colleagues while under the influence of the kratom at + or even ++ levels. The kratom did not fuzz my mind or cloud it, in fact it did almost the opposite, providing stimulation during the come-up. For me, kratom might be a way to jazz up a weekday. If I ever find myself in the situation where I require substance assisted pain management, I can absolutely see the merit of at least exploring the substance in more depth for its medicinal potential.
The clean synergy with methoxetamine was once again very pleasant. The psychedelic mind state meshed very nicely with the calming sedation from the kratom. Delving into closed eyed visuals was easier on the low dosages (of MXE) than normal. The visual side of the methoxetamine was also more connected to my thoughts and emotions than I typically find when I’m taking the dissociative by itself. Decreased confusion (compared to MXE by itself) may have allowed me to have the awareness to record the connection.
In the end, I’m interested in exploring kratom in greater depth both with and without methoxetamine. Even with the severe hangover and unpleasant portions of the experience, there were plenty of positives to bring me back to the substance in some capacity. It is unlike any other opioid or opiate I have experimented with. For me it seemed more background and easygoing than some of the more popular substances in this substance category. The way the effects presented (not necessarily the effects themselves) was more similar to morphine sulfate ER than oxycodone in their gentle onset. This experience ranged from heavy glowing euphoria accompanied by immersive closed eyed visuals to relatively severe nausea and everything in between. Clearly the combination has potential, but requires more practice in dosages administration to truly dial it in.
Cumulative Reported Dose of Kratom: 14 g
T + 00:00 2 gram
T + 00:04 1 gram
T + 00:09 .5 gram
T + 00:12 .5 gram
T + 00:18 1 gram
T + 00:34 1 gram
T + 00:45 2 gram
T + 01:02 1 gram
T + 01:30 .5 gram
T + 02:44 3 gram
T + 03:06 1 gram
T + 04:29 .5 gram
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