Citation: Pessoas mascot. "Telling of My Own Face: An Experience with DMT (exp113406)". Erowid.org. Apr 8, 2021. erowid.org/exp/113406
First of all, there are many noteworthy observations to be made as a preface to why and what I exactly experienced. It will still be a trip report, but more-so itís going to be a general introspective survey of my self(ness).
I must say I havenít had what Iíd call a emotionally or intellectually decent psychedelic experience yet. I have had a pleasant and orgasmic LSD loop for hours end, which was quite traumatic and empty in itself to think about it; though not negative at all during the trip per se. But it was intense enough experience to make a note that my natural tolerance to psychedelics is quite low and frightening even more so as it was clear that whenever I would experience a full-blown trip again, itíd probably be as heavy if not even more powerful. And as I donít have friends nor circle of friends to offer me a safe environment to trip I was very cautious to not take it upon myself alone. I knew I needed a safe net or at least a discussion partner on the same level as me. I have no partner in crime, so I have been cautious. Iím not sure anymore if I should, actually. Simply put - I was and still am afraid. But thanks to DMT Iím a lot less afraid.
I had a chance to get acquire some 500mg of DMT (yellow powder). As my intellectual, emotional and spirtiual conciousness was on the plains of psychedelic monkey, babbling over all the meanings there is, it all seemed so fitting. I must make a note that this is one theme of me. And the other theme is all the terrestrial and meaningless worries ego can experience and what in the end made me write up this report.
Prior to this report both me and my friend had a cosy setting at her cottage where we had our first DMT experience. It was an intense and not at all unpleasant flythrough of some sort of place with a somewhat īfamiliarī sense and so I got a little taste of what DMT is. It was as expected and as unexpected at the same time. Iím not sure and donít much care of the term breakthrough, but I must note that we both did one hit from a glass crack pipe after which we were gone. There is no possibility of seconds with a crack pipe it seems.
A week later. Iím home, my girlfriend with whom Iím separating at the moment, is gone, and I feel a bit bored and have half-planned to take up the courage and feel that Iíd like to try DMT again - alone. As itís short acting, contrary to other psychedelics, I feel somewhat at ease to try it alone, but still quite excited with what Iím going to do. Mind you, home does not feel quite safe place to me as in itís the place where I must face my whole (habitual) self - it just means to come to term with oneself; love and lack of overly worry in terms of Alan Watts for example. That is and was something that Iím grapple with.
I measure 40mg of DMT, sit on the couch and set everything to be logistically ready. I make no try to ease my anxiety and excitement (which you canít really do in the moment ironically), but deal with setting myself on the couch with the pillows and the blanket and the pipe and the plate so that when Iím gone itíd be safe. What comes next is an appropriate experience to my foolish self.
As is with DMT, everything is very intense and timeframe remarks may be condensed to fractions of seconds.
T+0 I inhale as hard as I can and manage to lay down the pipe. For a fraction of second I experience somewhat familiar feeling of overlapping reality to wherever to when I did it week prior.
T+2 seconds I am overflown with unexpectedly ďwrongĒ feeling throughout myself and know right away that this this is going to be hard. The best I can describe it is just ďwrongĒ with some unbearable intensiveness from the whole thing.
T+5 seconds I leapt from the couch to the floor, pillow in my hands. And now Iím going to quote from what I wrote from after the experience the same night as I canít really put the whole thing to timeframe anymore.
T+5+seconds There is unexpectedly intense and extremely unbearable resistance to just give up, knowing very well itís the right thing to do. I was not feeling literal fear, nor explicit panic in my consciousness that was still apparent at the moment on the floor, pushing by face to the pillow. I was with the acute feeling of state that one should just surrender. Surrender has never had any penalty, mind you. Getting over the edge is the tricky party. And at the some time not at all? There was intense state of overwhelming resistance with a want to act to give myself up to something/someone/somewhere, but to be yet again overflown with feeling of being stuck to myself. I try my hardest to cross over as the DMT is so stimulating and somehow Iím stuck to the unbearable stimulation.
It was an indication on some topics Iíve recently come to conclude about myself, though Iím not sure how convincing it was. As in I feel like Iím not able to see behind something - in something farther, more of ďmeĒ-less. My ego and anxiety is a dominating identity, or maybe the one I only have. Iím afraid. The feeling of not being able to surrender.
T+X+seconds I leap from room to room, not sure how Iím navigating. On the floor. In the bathroom. At the most intense moment, after inhaling, I leap up with a pillow and just lapse into it as a I leap up from the sofa. Two steps and I crumble on the floor for the most most most intense moment, fighting consciously, still having an acute notion that I must give up and I try to surrender for the sake of surrendering. Itís all so intense.
T+X+seconds Couple of leaps over couple of steps to the kitchen, to the bathroom, not sure. I drank some water. Visuals were as they are with DMT when you can barely open your eyes. It somehow comes back to me. Be it right after the peak point or a bit later, thereís and episode of just wanting it to end. Thoguh after inhaling and pefore point peak there was a continous moment of ďoh this is going to be hard tripĒ. Or was it after?
T+X+seconds With me sobering up comes more anxiety. I try to put on some punchy music. Visuals are strong and fear sets in. I am whelmed with a feeling of that Iím a mask of myself. Iím Pessoas mascot. Irony. Still fighting, but being clear enough. It continues with confusion in trying to select tracks or music and feeling the absurdity of it and trying to get out if to just accept and not to try to yet run again. I understand, but still try to avoid facing myself.
Was there a face? Was there a tester? I seem to remember a face or a feeling of face, entity, though it may be McKenna's elves' bias. There was a dimensional and senseful point of surrender though. But nobody, I think.
Reading and thinking it seems it was my true Identity, and the real feeling of what it takes to *fight with surrender*. Surrender is a win of your true self. It felt right and even comforting in some way to have the sensation and want to cross over, but I got stuck either because it was an illustrative joke around the topic and no real surrender is real (it was just a humour), or I'm just not ready because it's more of a process of progress (or at least a hint) than achieving the threshold and baseline through the experience at the stated moment
I have been really lost around the point of releasing myself to whatever, wherever. This trip condensed my /sub/conscious state dimensionally to such a degree to bring on a "bad trip", setting me on the verge of the possibility and understating of a need to collapse, give up. - to not pass myself off as someone other.
I didn't find anything sinister or evil about the place or the experience/feeling. The more I think about it seems as being a not so pleasant trip was really telling just exactly with the state I was. Though I wonder if it would have been more effective if I could have taken even heavier hit to render my body immobileÖ
[Reported Dose: "DMT (40mg weighed, powder, smoked), cannabis (light tobacco joint, an hour prior)"]
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