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Perspective in Solitude
by wahs
Citation:   wahs. "Perspective in Solitude: An Experience with MDMA (exp113478)". Sep 13, 2019.

T+ 0:00
150 mg oral MDMA
  T+ 4:20 1 bowl vaporized Cannabis
  T+ 6:20 1 bowl vaporized Cannabis
  T+ 6:20 1 glass oral Alcohol - Beer/Wine


Author's Note:

This was my 3rd experience with MDMA. 8-12 hours before body tension and tirelessness were totally gone, and though I consider the experience to have been positive, the "speedy" effects were a little too intense for comfort.

This experience took place in my apartment on a Saturday in the late fall. It was my first solo roll. Preparations included a light lunch and a few hours of reading and meditation for calm.
It was my first solo roll. Preparations included a light lunch and a few hours of reading and meditation for calm.

My annotations are in [square brackets]. They tend to better reflect my baseline headspace than the text itself.

T+0:00 (3:20 pm)

Parachuted 150mg. Began to do yoga.

T+0:20 (3:40 pm)

Can't tell if stomach butterflies are come-up or placebo.

T+0:30 (3:50 pm)

Feeling energetic and uplifted, though not extraordinarily so. Almost feels like a simple exercise high, but stretching flows like it usually does not.

T+0:40 (4:00 pm)

Temperature regulation is off. Sweating profusely, even though the exercise is light. Walking feels more like floating than usual. Thought about another bump, but realized it was foolish given how little time has passed. Heart rate elevated. Mood buoyant.

T+0:45 (4:05 pm)

Shoulder and upper back tension, so present typically, is largely gone. Carrying on a much more lively IM conversation with M [friend and roommate, who was out of town for some time] than usual.

I'm often moody.

[I had been unable to find time to be alone. M and I shared a small apartment. I like some amount of time each day without social contact, and I wasn't getting it. I regret to say I was feeling drained and irritable and took it out on M, which he tolerated with remarkable stoicism.]

Feeling uplifted. Pupils dilated. Mouth is dry. Heightened sense of touch.

T+1:00 (4:20 pm)

Turned music on. Slightly heightened awareness of it. Colors are brighter. Having a harder time writing legibly, or perhaps simply caring less.

Thinking of relationships, human connections. Lives playing out in parallel, woven together... I feel like M [M likes to journal in a style I think best described as loosely associative concept generation].

Feeling an urge to dance. That never happens.

T+1:10 (4:30 pm)

Sound is much more stimulating than normal.

Could I ever convince my parents to try this?
Could I ever convince my parents to try this?

[Such optimism! Drug use is a stressful and emotionally charged subject for my mom, and my dad defers to her, at least in her earshot. They once caught me with cannabis while I was home for a weekend (I try to keep my habits to myself); my mom was displeased and let me know it. My dad was too, at least in person. A few days later he sent me a wordy email which reduced to to: "We can't control what you do. Just don't be an idiot." I hold out some hope that he may be more willing than he seems.

The following stream-of-consciousness came in fits and starts. I scrawled, practiced yoga, stretched, danced, writhed, laughed... all the time feeling overawed.]

What the fuck are we?

Some people suffer without respite for their entire lives. Animals too [are we not animals?].

Light seems much brighter than usual.

I will take the bus to work [I had been driving occasionally and feeling guilty about it].

People want happiness, and to feel like they are part of something good and important and righteous. This fact is often taken advantage of.

We all suffer.

I must be empathetic to all beings.

People tend to want to feel needed and appreciated.

I feel crystal clear (with a bit of short-term memory loss?).

I will not eat fast food on my way to and from work.

[I occasionally stopped for a bagel in the morning or a taco on the way back. I eat no meat and usually avoid animal products, though I am not vegan in the strictest sense. Nevertheless I was stricken with guilt with respect both to my body, for feeding it junk, and to the rest of the world, for yielding to yet another ecocidal force of modernity for a convenient snack. I now believe I did this to (literally) buy time alone. Time spent in public is often anonymous and can be radically solitary.]

If I criticize someone, I will do it with empathy and mindfulness of their suffering. We are all wandering in an enigmatic world ["we live in a society", nice]. Criticism is useful as a tool for improvement, but it's toxic when driven by ego.

My body is my home. I will respect it.

I will compartmentalize my thoughts and my time. I will maintain a healthier diet, cook more, exercise more.

I will treat weed as a sacrament, not a crutch.

[I use it regularly and have occasionally struggled not to abuse it. If I find myself ruminating, cannabis often can break the cycle, improving my mood, increasing my ability to empathize, and helping me focus. It offers me heightened spiritual awareness and enhanced perception. It is also habit-forming, and in retrospect I know I was failing at the time to remain mindful of my pattern of use: I treated it as an easy "out" of an uncomfortable situation. I believe cannabis has profoundly medicinal qualities. But I also believe I would have escaped this loop more quickly had I learned from the experience of the high, rather than using it as an escape.]

T+1:40 (5:00 pm)

Experiencing some short term memory loss. Peak is current or past. Wondering how I will process/internalize/manifest the consequences of this trip going forward.
Wondering how I will process/internalize/manifest the consequences of this trip going forward.

I can't "save the world".

Certain things can be done to ease the suffering of others.

Deciding how to prioritize one's time is extremely difficult.

What can be changed with little extra time/effort?
- Diet
- Resource/utility use
- Mode of transportation
- Clothing
- Household products
- Mood/behavior

What can be done with the application of considerable time/effort in the long run?
- Community resource-sharing/infrastructure-building
- Political action
- Science/knowledge-gathering

T+2:20 (5:40pm)

Steadily coming down. Still more empathetic than usual. Energy diminishing. Very clear-minded. Hints of headache. Back hurts, but it always does.

I will learn to write/type without tensing my shoulders and causing myself unnecessary pain.

[Relieving myself...]

Urine is pretty clear. I successfully stayed hydrated!

I will floss my teeth.

I feel a compulsion to do something productive.

[This is not abnormal. I struggle daily with a deeply entrenched, Puritanical instinct to make myself useful. It interferes with my relationships and my health.]

Writing has been productive. I have gained perspective.

I will not feel sorry for myself. If I begin to feel downcast, angry, or resentful, I will simply observe the feeling. I will try to remain aware that it is a temporary state dependent on factors out of my control. It will pass, as all things do.

I will create and share freely.

I will not allow myself to become complacent.

I will not allow myself to take advantage of others.

I will not seek to satisfy myself overmuch with:
- possessions
- status
- approval
- unhealthy food
- money
- pride

"I" do not have "needs". There are conditions under which my body will live and conditions under which my body will die.

"I" am an illusion.

That which is referred to by "I" cannot fully know itself, but it is intimately familiar with itself. It can recognize patterns within itself.

It feels pain, and imagines the pain of other beings like it. It is repelled and digusted by the idea of causing pain in other beings.

[This brings to mind Peter Watts' idea (explored at length in the Rifters trilogy) of a world in which we dose ourselves with drugs tailored for utilitarian altruism. What would happen if politicians/businessmen/police starting thinking like this? What would happen if we all did?]

T+3:00 (6:20 pm)

Still jittery. Can't sit still for too long. Mild body load remains. Euphoria is largely gone, in favor of mildly empathic state of awareness of the profoundness of existence.

T+4:20 (7:40 pm)

Prepared and vaporized a bowl of stony indica [I realized after the fact that I did this precisely 4 hours and 20 minutes after dropping; amazing]. The introduction of cannabis seems to "reawaken" the roll.

Body load is enough to be slightly uncomfortable, but it's possible that I'm just prone to muscle tension. Constant energy/desire to move is back. Putting music on again.

Cannabis evokes new psychedelia. Earlier was extremely introspective and euphoric, but it wasn't "trippy" - vision was brighter, sound was louder and clearer with a hint of extra-dimensionality, but remained subtle. Vision is now more vibrant, time is noticeably dilating in a way reminiscent of the "waves" of a psilocybin comedown.

T+6:20 (9:40 pm)

Still fidgety and energetic. Body is becoming sore, either from prolonged load or physical activity. Cannabis high totally absent now. Much more clearheaded than is typical after having smoked. Tried programming [I do this for a living and as a hobby]. It didn't feel right, and I didn't want to sit down. Vaped another bowl, then ate a vegetable salad and drank a beer.

T+8:00 (11:20 pm)

In bed, in the dark, listening to music through headphones. Music is great, but not quite like on LSD or psilocybin: not an altogether different, profound experience.

Thought I heard a knock on the door, so sat up. It was nothing, but there was a surreal moment in which the movement of the blinds over the window took on an unreal, animated, almost digital quality [I've experienced something like this before on LSD and large doses of cannabis].

[I slept extremely little that night, woke early, and did not feel like sleeping again until later the following afternoon.]

Exp Year: 2018ExpID: 113478
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 23 
Published: Sep 13, 2019Views: 1,516
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MDMA (3) : Alone (16), Combinations (3), General (1)

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