Citation: PsilocinPsychonaut. "The Infinity of Existence: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (exp113623)". Erowid.org. Oct 31, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113623
Two samples of powder (even of the same chemical) with equivalent volumes won't necessarily weigh the same. For this reason, eyeballing is an inaccurate and potentially dangerous method of measuring, particularly for substances that are active in very small amounts.
See this article on The Importance of Measured Doses.]
Iíll start with some relevant background information about me. As of writing this, I have done psilocybin mushrooms over ten times, 4-AcO-DMT five times, LSD twice, AL-LAD twice, and ALD-52 once. Around the time of this trip, I had been smoking marijuana almost every day for a month or two. However, I was not high going into the trip; in fact, I had not smoked at all on the day in question.
It was in August of 2017 that I acquired some 4-AcO-DMT. I was 19 at the time. Me and a few other friends ordered several different drugs in one shipment from a research chemical site. It came in on Friday, August 4, 2017. I had been doing nothing but relaxing at home all day. At 9:40 pm I met one of my friends to pick up my share. I had ordered 250 mg of 4-AcO-DMT, which came in the form of white powder. I had never taken 4-AcO DMT before. I believed on good authority that the site we ordered from is reliable, so I was certain of the amount and purity. I had to be at work at 9:00 am the following day, so I really was not planning on tripping that night. When my friend gave me the powder, we talked about it for a bit. He said that 4-AcO-DMT was supposed to be very similar to magic mushrooms, simply much more potent. As we discussed this, the temptation became too great. Even though I was planning on trying the substance on Sunday, I instead decided to try it that night.
I went home right away and got there at 10:10 pm. I immediately started preparing for the trip. I knew I had to get up early in the morning, so I wanted to begin the trip as soon as possible. No one else was in the house but me. I closed all the blinds, as I often get paranoid and anxious at the idea of my neighbours seeing me acting weird while tripping.
I often get paranoid and anxious at the idea of my neighbours seeing me acting weird while tripping.
I turned on the alarm on my phone as well, and the only thing I had to do before beginning was to unplug my downstairs toilet. I decided this would take too long, and I went upstairs to ingest the 4-AcO-DMT. I decided I would unplug the toilet immediately after, before I started tripping.
It was 10:25 pm when I went upstairs to prepare the dose. At this point it is relevant to mention that I did not have any sort of scale. In my case it turned out okay, but I highly recommend that anyone taking this drug gets a scale first. 4-AcO-DMT is relatively potent; as little as 10 mg can change the magnitude of a trip. This is often equal to just a pinch of extra powder. Please scale this substance if you plan on ingesting it. That being said, I knew how potent the substance was and I honestly did not care. At that time I had not tripped in a few months and I really just wanted to have a fun, intense trip. I eyeballed what I thought was 40 mg. I put it in a parachute (a makeshift pill made of joint paper) and swallowed it.
It was exactly 10:30 pm when I ingested the dose. I knew it would hit me fast, but I wasnít prepared for just how fast it was. Parachutes dissolve quickly in your stomach, and because my 4-AcO-DMT was in powder form, it was rapidly absorbed into my body. Additionally, I had taken it on an empty stomach, which possibly made absorption even faster. I felt the come up starting at 10:31 pm. I was surprised to feel it coming on so soon.
At 10:35 pm, I could tell that I was coming up way faster than I thought I would. My thought patterns started changing, and I felt a warm glow all over my body. It felt extremely similar to a come up on mushrooms. At this point, I was taking in how fast the drug was hitting me. I knew right away that I had taken a large dose and that it was going to be an insane trip. I briefly experienced a moment of panic where I thought to myself, ďOh shit, this is going to be rough.Ē However, I quickly remembered that it was far too late for that. I relaxed, accepted the fact I was going on this trip, and mentally prepared myself for the journey ahead.
At 10:40 pm, I was well into the come up. I was still largely in control, but the decisions I was making started making less and less sense. My thoughts were moving coherently, but not down a path that coincided with logic; I could still maintain a train of thought, but my thoughts started getting weirder, as they do on mushrooms. The body high felt amazing. I felt pleasant rushes of warmth moving up and down and all around my body. Various other bodily sensations appeared, like tingling and a feeling like electricity was passing through me.
At 10:45 pm, I was tripping fairly hard. Coherent thought was no longer an option for me. I would decide to do something, like walk downstairs. Then, like flicking a switch, my thought processes instantly changed and I decided to walk around upstairs some more instead. This often happens to me on mushrooms. Indeed, most of the trip felt almost identical to a mushroom trip, albeit a more intense one than I have ever had. Minor visuals were starting to appear as well: bright colours, breathing walls, slight distortions here and there. The body high had died down a bit, but the mental effects were becoming more intense. I started to get extremely confused. My last recognizable thought before I totally blasted off was that I had to go downstairs and unplug the toilet before I became totally debilitated.
At 11:00 pm, I was definitely in the trip proper. I regretfully do not remember much of the timeline beyond this point. The trip was very intense and warped my understanding of time thoroughly. I remember the rough chronology of the content of the trip, but exact times are impossible to remember. I was tripping way too hard to even check a clock, let alone understand the concept of time.
Beyond 11:00 pm, most of what I was saying and thinking made no sense. Logical and coherent thought were totally gone. Instead of going to the bathroom to unplug the toilet, I watched some trippy videos on my computer instead. I slowly became more confused as I went down the rabbit hole. Additionally, I lost most control of my body beyond this point. Walking became disjointed and uncoordinated. I started stumbling into random rooms in my house, unable to decide how I wanted to spend the trip. When I finally made it into my downstairs bathroom the first time to unplug the toilet, I started laughing uncontrollably. I knew I was already tripping too hard, and found it hilarious that I was now unable to do such a simple task because I started tripping before I unplugged the toilet. I tried to flush it down, and when that didnít work I started to panic. I knew my mom was coming home in the morning. I thought that if I left the toilet plugged, she would notice something was out of place, and would know I had taken psychedelics of some kind. Some part of me knew that this was bullshit, and so for a while I got stuck in a thought loop trying to decide if a plugged toilet would cause my mom to know I had taken drugs.
The visuals started to get more intense while I was in the bathroom. When I looked at my face in the mirror, it would melt, shrink, grow, and morph in various ways. Little spirals and shapes would briefly appear on my skin. At this point the body high was not as noticeable. Rather, I felt a sensation I can only describe as feeling my emotions in my body. If I felt anxious, my whole body ďfelt anxiousĒ. It was not just a physical reaction to extreme emotions; it was something much more intense, vivid, and personal than I can put into words.
In a flash, I forgot about the toilet and left the bathroom to go into my room. My emotions up until now had been changing in much the same way that my thoughts were changing. I would quickly cycle through anxiety, fear, and confusion over and over again. It wasnít a bad part of the trip by any sense. It was emotionally and physically exhausting, but I knew these thoughts and emotions were products of the trip. It was slightly unpleasant, but it wasnít a nightmare. However, soon after I got into my room, I decided the trip was too intense, and I wanted it to be over. I tried to end it by going to bed. I changed into my pyjamas, turned off the lights, and got into bed. I tried my hardest to close my eyes and relax. Obviously this didnít work, and I quickly realized that my efforts were to be fruitless.
I got out of bed and was well on my way to the peak at this point. Most of the rest of the trip was spent wandering around the house, talking to myself as I had earth-shattering ďrealizationsĒ. However, after I left my bed, the trip took a much more positive turn. I started feeling less confusion. Instead I started experiencing euphoria and uncontrollable laughter, and sometimes I felt several different emotions at once. Multiple times, I would wander back into the washroom. Upon seeing that the toilet was still plugged and realizing that I kept forgetting about it, I couldnít stop laughing, as I found this absolutely hilarious. I would talk to the toilet about how funny it was that Iím tripping so hard, and how Iím probably going to forget again in a moment, then come back and find the situation even more hilarious. Of course, every time that is exactly what happened.
Once I peaked, I had many visual and auditory hallucinations throughout the remainder of the trip. However, I cannot remember the exact order in which they occurred. Additionally, I experienced a major ďrealizationĒ during the trip, and in the interest of presenting it here in a complete, coherent fashion, Iíve decided to describe all the major visual and auditory hallucinations in one section of this report.
The visuals in this trip were quite spectacular, and completely trumped any of the hallucinations I had experienced in previous trips. The walls and floors of my house moved, morphed, and tilted wildly. And not just a bit; the dimensions of my house changed so drastically that at times it seemed like I was in room several times bigger than the room I knew I was in. Sometimes the room would seem impossibly small, instead of impossibly big. Whenever I looked down at the shag carpet in my bedroom, it turned into hundreds of tiny, spinning pieces of trident-shaped plastic. At one point during the trip, I started staring at a ceiling tile in my room. A green spiral of dots came out of the tile, and slowly this hallucination encompassed my entire vision, until all I could see was hallucinogenic patterns and lights. The Skyrim and GTA posters above my TV became 3D holographic projections, and morphed into shifting fractal patterns at the same time. Every so often, my vision would become pixelated, almost like I was living in an 8-bit world. This usually did not last long, but it happened many times during the trip. Even though I never touched a light switch, I saw various lights throughout my house flicking on and off. Sometimes it would just be a portion of the room, while sometimes the whole room or house would become dark.
When I tried to use my computer, it was difficult to do so, as the programs kept on moving around the screen, morphing, and disappearing. Any time I focused on using one program, everything else on the screen would become very blurred, as if out of focus. When I looked at my face in the mirror, it morphed and shifted much more drastically than before, and sometimes I didnít even recognize myself. Various patterns and shapes would enter my field of vision then quickly leave. Specifically, I remember seeing an oversized version of Majoraís mask come flying at me, before it quickly disappeared. My vision for the entire trip felt very blurred. Everything was slightly out of focus, and when I tried to concentrate on one thing to focus my vision, a hallucination usually formed and grew. These are just the specific hallucinations I remember. I know I have forgotten many of them, and even if I did remember them all, words would not do justice to their beauty. Everything I looked at was changed or distorted in some way; no texture or shape was identical to reality.
I also experienced several brief OBEís during the peak of the trip. I have forgotten the details of most of them, but still remember two quite clearly. While pacing around my living room, I randomly decided to lie down on the carpet. I thought to myself, ďHow cool would it be if I just closed my eyes and had an OBE?Ē Hilariously enough, when I closed my eyes, I felt my surroundings dissolve into nothingness. A few moments later, I found myself flying through the Grand Canyon like superman. I could see the beautiful blue sky above me, and the majesty of the Grand Canyon below me. I felt completely free, like I could go anywhere and explore anything. This was my first ever OBE, and although it was brief, it was quite an amazing experience. The second OBE happened when I was lying down on my bed with my eyes closed. I was enjoying some spectacular mental visuals when a very intense, very pleasant body high washed over me. Quite suddenly, I found myself walking through a forest. Somehow I knew that I was in Texas, even though there were no indications of that. I walked down a path lined with pine trees, taking in the tranquil and surreal environment. Just as quickly as it began, I found myself lying in my bed once again as I opened my eyes.
The auditory hallucinations were a little less pleasant. Multiple times, I heard a fly loudly buzzing around my head, which would annoy me until I realized it wasnít real. Additionally, several times throughout the trip I heard people walking around in my house, which again scared me before I realized they werenít real. Loud thuds and bangs startled me at first, but as the trip went on I grew to accept the unpredictability and intensity of the auditory hallucinations I was experiencing. As I approached the peak, my thoughts were bouncing around much more quickly than before. It was no longer a case of thinking of one thing for a few seconds before thinking of something else. My mind was going rapid fire at this point; I could not stay on one thought for more than a split second before thinking of something else. I remember thinking that during the peak in particular, the trip felt much like my first LSD experience. Although the rest of the trip felt more like I was on mushrooms, the peak for some reason seemed more like LSD.
As I hit my peak, I felt what I can only describe as the most amazing feeling I have ever felt in my life. It was far beyond a combination of pure happiness, perfect confidence, and complete self-realization. Every facet of my perception was touched; my mind, body, and soul simply felt totally amazing. I cannot truly communicate this feeling to any other human being, because no human language has the words that properly define this feeling. It was the most deeply personal, profound, and psychedelic experience I have ever had. I loved myself and everything about me in a way I was never able to before. It was as if I never knew how amazing I really was before that point. I felt utterly complete in every aspect as a human being. I accepted my failures and weaknesses and appreciated my successes and strengths. I accepted that I am me.
I accepted my failures and weaknesses and appreciated my successes and strengths. I accepted that I am me.
I loved everything about myself, and realized that I am amazing.
This feeling was maintained consistently for the remainder of the trip. Feeling perfect confidence in myself and my abilities, I felt like I had the power to do anything. And I do mean literally anything. I realized that if I have the power to do anything, I must be a living god. This made me feel even more amazing about myself. After all, who wouldnít be happy to be a god with the power to do anything? I also knew, however, that I wouldnít have this power forever; I knew I was going to come down from the trip. Therefore, I should use this power I have in the moment to do something that will improve my life in the long-term. I remembered my long-time dream of becoming a famous rapper, and realized I now have the power to write the perfect rap song that will make me famous. I went downstairs and started typing what I believed at the time to be the best rap song ever created. I was laughing hysterically while typing it, because I couldnít believe how easy it was to write raps. Below is a small excerpt:
That was so amazing what do I even say I'm blown away on everything I say cause everything I tried to said was morphed and carried away to another place like seriously what can I say a crazy place where only crazy people like to stay I'm carried away like dr seuess and mr nsa agent who is watching from a safety place would possibly look at all this and judge safely that I am insane but I refrain possibly because I can prevent and decide anew again the only difference that I'd possibly perclude if you all choosed and decided that each one would like to stay
It sounded brilliant to me at the time. I believe I was trying to record how amazing I was feeling, in the form of rap. As I went back upstairs, I started trying to reconcile the fact that I have the power to do anything with the fundamental truths of reality. I thought that if everything in the universe is matter and energy, and all matter and energy follows the laws of physics, and these laws of physics do not change, then the way all matter and energy moves is also unchanging. Additionally, human knowledge of these laws of physics is irrelevant; gravity behaved the same now as it did when we were cavemen. So, if I am made of matter and energy, then everything that happens in my life is predetermined. How then, could I have the power to do anything?
My conclusion to this question led me to even higher levels of psychedelic amazingness. I concluded that the multiple realities theory must be true. That is, I believed there to be an infinite number of realities parallel to ours, where every possible choice and outcome plays out. Just as in this reality I chose to have this trip, there is another where I decided I shouldnít trip because I had work in the morning. These realities are also all happening concurrently to ours, that is, they are all happening at once. I started imagining all the different possible realities, easily visualizing them as mental imagery. Ones where my choices caused my life to turn out drastically different than mine has. I experienced what could be described as ego death. At that point, I didnít really care what happened to me. If I died right at that point from a stroke, why would it matter? I am just one perspective in an infinite set of parallel realities. Anything that happens to me is supposed to happen, because in another, identical reality it doesnít happen. In a way, my choices donít really matter. But, since everything I could have done in my life does happen in all the realities where I was born, technically I still have the power to do anything, just not in this particular reality.
I then started to add more layers of infinity to this thought, as I remembered a video I watched explaining the 11 dimensions theory. I imagined all the realities that could possibly exist according to any initial position of atoms during the big bang. I realized that the number of these realities is even more infinite than the realities possible in this universe. Then, I imagined the infinity of universes that could exist given any possible laws of physics. All of these realities were also happening at the same time as ours. I viewed everything that was happening to me at the moment and everything in my life as just one perspective in this grand set of all the different possible realities, each one containing an infinite number of perspectives like mine, and all of it happening at the same time. And when I say perspective, I mean any perspective. If everything in the universe is matter and energy, then all living beings and all inanimate objects are one and the same. My personal perspective is the same as a hydrogen atomís, only I have the ability to perceive and think because my particular arrangement of atoms lets me process and respond to stimuli.
My mind was simply open to so many wild possibilities. The thoughts and scenarios racing through my mind were incredible. One thought I remember was that I realized I could be in a reality where there is a planet of aliens millions of light-years away, reading my thoughts. Another was that in one possible reality there is a cult who chants the words going through my head. Even if the words didnít mean the same thing, I realized it is technically possible the words that make up that cultís chants are the same ones I am thinking right now. I realized I would never be able to determine which reality I truly lived in out of the infinite ones possible. One line from Petyr Baelish kept coming back to me and reinforced this idea of infinite, concurrently occurring realities: ďEvery possible series of events is happening all at once. Live that way and nothing will surprise you. Everything that happens will be something that youíve seen before.Ē
The only way to describe what happened next would be to say that I combined the 11 dimensions theory with the idea that time is cyclical and repetitive in nature. I imagined that all of existence was actually "never ending" so to speak. I thought that not only do I have the power to do anything, in the sense that all the different versions of me have done everything I could have possibly done, but I have the power to experience any perspective conceivably possible. I thought I had the power to transport to any reality that could possibly be imagined, and experience any perspective that could possibly be imagined.
For instance, I could be a Game of Thrones character or the butter bot from Rick and Morty. This is because time is cyclical, and my perspective is just one of infinite. When my life ends it will "go on" to be the "next" perspective in the "next" cosmic time cycle. I realized that all perspectives are one perspective, and this singular, united perspective is the only one which experiences any and all facets of existence. That's the only way I can really describe that. I am you, you are the butter bot from Rick and Morty, Morty is us. All perspectives of any conceivably possible forms of existence are all one perspective and this perspective experiences the "grand wheel" of creation for all eternity, and that is why time and choice are irrelevant, because everything is happening, has happened, and always will happen according to the initial coordinates and laws of physics of each particular universe. Everything in existence, in all possible realities, every atom, every photon, every property of every quark and muon, everything is one and the same. All possible things in the past, present, and future are inherently connected; separation in both time and space is an illusion. The level of detail, depth, and complexity kept going to infinity, in such a way that I humanly grasped the cosmic concept of infinity. Simply put, everything is everything, and always has, and always will. I realized I donít have to wonder about what being Ned Stark feels like because I will eventually experience his life ďone dayĒ. My perspective is just part of this grand cosmic perspective that constitutes the perception of all that theoretically exists. Even this explanation does not do it justice and I will never be able to communicate with words how I felt to another human being. I truly lost all sense of time and reality on that trip.
As I started to come down from the peak a bit, I was in utter disbelief and awe of what I had just experienced. I believe it was sometime around 5:00 am that I started to regain some control. I went downstairs and started typing on my computer again. I wanted to record the raw details of the trip while I was tripping because I knew I would forget otherwise. Much of the content of the above 5 or so paragraphs was written during the trip, even if Iíve cleaned it up after the fact. The rest of the trip was spent playing with the idea of infinite realities, and imagining of many different worlds and scenarios. I was mostly still in awe of the peak, and I was still in disbelief it had actually happened. Itís one thing to read about these kinds of trips online, but itís another thing entirely to actually experience it. I had a brief moment of anxiety near the end, because I knew I had to open all the blinds in the house. I thought my mom would find it suspicious otherwise. However, I knew I was still tripping, and worried someone would see me acting weird.
At 6:00 am I was coming down more, and managed to finally unplug the downstairs toilet. I decided to take a few bong rips before settling into bed. I definitely started tripping harder after I did. I didnít really fall asleep, but rather achieved a sort of half sleep/half tripping state. I felt mostly happy and content during the entire comedown; the trip simply became less intense as time went on. As I tried to sleep, I was mentally still tripping and my thoughts were still slightly confused. When I woke up for work at 7:45 am, I was still slightly tripping, but I managed to return to some sort of baseline by the time I got to work at 8:45 am.
At work, I was out of it the whole day; I was sober, but tired. I couldnít stop thinking about the trip. It was extremely intense but also an amazing experience and I was still trying to process it. I felt a similar afterglow that I get after doing psychedelics. I felt very Ďenlightenedí, like I had learned some secret universal truth. I also felt a certain sense of Ďinner peaceí. These feelings lasted for about a week after the trip, and to a lesser extent for two months after.
I tried to take 300 μg of AL-LAD on August 6. It came in the same shipment as the 4-AcO-DMT and so I knew it was also pure. To my surprise, I learned that the cross-tolerance between 4-AcO-DMT and AL-LAD is extreme. I felt no high at all from the AL-LAD. If there was any, it was indistinguishable from the THC in my system. After 4 hours of nothing I took another 150 μg, but still felt no significant high. In my opinion this is strong evidence of a cross-tolerance between the substances, as 450 μg of lab-quality AL-LAD would normally induce a strong trip. I am 100% confident that the substance was pure. It was stored correctly in an airtight, opaque, dry container, and the container was kept in a cool floor safe. However, I did take another 300 μg of the same AL-LAD on August 12 and got the expected result: a strong trip.
On August 19, I tripped on 25 mg of 4-AcO-DMT alone in my house. A week after that I did 2 g of psilocybin mushrooms with some friends while we watched the MayWeather/McGregor match. On September 2, I tripped on 21 mg of 4-AcO-DMT while camping with two friends who were also tripping. All of these were fantastic trips. I believe the afterglow from the trip described in this report lasted so long because I took psychedelics so much in the following weeks. As of writing this, however, I have not done any more psychedelics besides the ones I have mentioned in this report.
The trip helped cement my agnostic views.
The trip helped cement my agnostic views.
I reason that if there are infinite realities that I can imagine in my mind, and all these possibilities, although amazing and wonderful, are equally without proof, then similarly any specific religion is also beyond proof. In fact, everything is subjective and impossible to prove in this way, even truth and our own perception. Proof isnít real, truth is an illusion, we canít even be sure of the nature of our own existence, and that includes if we even exist at all. I already believed these things before this trip, so my views werenít changed, but they were certainly reinforced.
I gained a lot from the trip and it was an amazing, positive experience for me. In fact, it was probably the single most amazing and incredible experience of my entire life. I have never before felt the way that I did on this trip. I regret not scaling the substance, but it was an incredible trip so I donít regret going through with it. I wanted to trip afterwards even more than I did before. I also found that writing things down during the trip aided me significantly in remembering it afterwards. On August 7, I composed a basic trip report and posted it online. Reflecting on the whole trip and writing out an entire report helped me significantly in remembering the trip long after it happened. Not only that, but I found I gained much more enjoyment from remembering the trip because I was able to share it with others. I was also able to process it and take away a few lessons.
Primarily among those, I learned to have more of an acceptance of suffering in my life in general, but in particular accepting the realities of my life. I truly accepted that there are unbreakable laws of physics and even though I can imagine infinite worlds and realities it doesnít mean I can escape the realities and responsibilities of my life. Iím not a god; I canít do anything I want. I have to deal with my problems and barriers to my success. I have to accept the suffering in my life as a consequence of my actions but since choice is actually an illusion thereís no point in being unhappy or stressing about suffering. Suffering is unavoidable. Just accept it and try to make your life and everyone elseís life better, thatís all I or anyone else can and should do.
Partly because I remembered so much of the trip and reflected on it so significantly, I still feel I have gained valuable insights from the trip and have benefited from it. Even now, more than three months later, I can still apply the lessons I learned to my life, and I still think the trip was an amazing experience that improved my life and outlook on it significantly. Although I learned my lesson with regards to scaling substances, I still donít regret going through with the trip, and I would do the same thing again given a second chance. One thing I still canít get over, however, is my quasi-disbelief that the trip occurred. It really was so amazing that I have to keep telling myself that I experienced what I did, and if it werenít for the section of the trip report that I recorded during the trip, I would probably think I hadnít experienced what I thought I had.
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