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Hundreds of Egos Deaths Holding on for Life
4-AcO-DMT & Aripiprazole
Citation:   Energy. "Hundreds of Egos Deaths Holding on for Life: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT & Aripiprazole (exp113739)". Erowid.org. Dec 12, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113739

 
DOSE:
  oral Pharms - Aripiprazole (daily)
    oral 4-AcO-DMT (powder / crystals)
BODY WEIGHT: 170 lb
[Erowid Note: The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 18 because I developed ďpsychosisĒ at age 16 but Iím pretty sure I have some form of very light autism.

I edited this trip report slightly from 2016 and it was from when I wasnít experienced with psychedelics at all. I was still kind of tripping the next day when I wrote this and I was doing many drugs at the time but I donít think any drugs were in my system when I took this 125mg. I had no idea what set and setting was.
I had no idea what set and setting was.


I had around 2-3 amazing euphoric, mystical, magical, majestic, wavy, sedating psychedelic trips on 4-AcO-DMT at 100mg (Because 50mg didnít do much on my antipsychotic - Abilify) that changed my life, listening to bands like Pink Floyd and Toto. So beautiful - but this ďBadĒ trip was the ultimate life changing experience.

So, I had a baggy of 250mg 4-AcO-DMT. Still living with my mom at the time, she took away my scale so I prepared my usual 100mg dose (From a different RC vendor this time - Not sure if that made a difference) by placing the whole 250mgís on a glass table and cutting it in half with a debit card, then cutting away a small amount, putting the rest on my tongue and swallowing it all with water.

I sat down on my bed and started listening to music and doing things on my laptop and waiting for that euphoric beautiful sedation that I was expecting. But that didnít happen.. Instead, I felt sort of anxious (This I now know is the expectation? I forget the word...). Anyways, I was wondering what was happening to me and didnít like it so I put the rest of the powder on the glass table again, cut off a small section of powder and ate it once again.

I laid back down on my bed and felt a fear of horror creeping in.

It was pure psychosis all night. Happy music was demonized before I had a complete ego death for hours. I was dying and coming back to life hundreds of times. I would look at my watch and the time was up-side-down-side-ways. Everything I saw was graves, chainsaws, guts and intestines. I was melting and bleeding from my soul and my arm was shot out of the grave dirt as a zombie and I hallucinated that my heart stopped beating many times and I died.

My sister kept laughing on the other side of the door (With her friend I guess - or it could have been a hallucination) and I saw shadows in the night the lights kept switching on and off. Demons and my mom running around the house. I was having auditory hallucinations.
I was having auditory hallucinations.
My cat felt VERY concerned for me and tried to comfort me.

I was screaming NEENOO NEENOO (From my friends dad that used to say that when I was a kid). I could picture him in my mind) THERE'S ALIENS I AM GOD AND EVERYONE IS GOD SATURN CHANGING COLOURS THE UNIVERSE NOTHING CAN BE DEAD IT GOES ON FOREVER AND EVER AND THAT'S THE MEANING OF LIFE WE ARE ALL CONNECTED THROUGH ENERGY. I truly believed that but was wondering why I was still in bed talking to myself and so sleepy sleep didn't matter anymore as dream and reality are the same thing.

Like a religious mad man on LSD or something talking about Jesus and I'm not even religious but I understood how people believe what they believe in.

There was so much agony frozen in time. Gender, race, sexuality, hair, a piece of dirt in my hair was the symbol of life, it all didn't matter it was all related like my throat, swallowing my spit, my toes clenching together every time I died and the pain in my finger from a splinter it was all the same thing at the same time.

I believe that psychosis can be changed through therapy but it takes time. You have to believe what you don't believe in.

If my mom caught me in that state, her world would have ended completely. It was REALLY REALLY bad. A complete nightmare. A vortex of insanity like something I've witnessed before to a lesser extent but it was like a refreshing of my memory. I was thinking of the suicide bombers, the kamakazis, the ships, the new world order, Donald Trump, there was worms and spiders and mosquitoes and it's like I knew why we are afraid of those things.

I understand many things now. But many things are too complex for "life" to understand without these near death experiences.

My therapist/psychologist in the hospital did lots of psychedelics and I think he's the best therapist in the world purely amazing how he thinks of these things too.

What a ride.

So, Iím doing very well now and donít get psychosis anymore
Iím doing very well now and donít get psychosis anymore
and stopped using drugs because of it and donít feel like drinking alcohol anymore because Iím content, happy and at peace with myself. Iíve tripped a couple times this summer after my trip but at low dosages (5-15mg) and they were nice little trips =]

On a final note, I believe that it was hard to kill my ego and I was able to hold on because of the antipsychotic medication (Abilify).

[Reported Dose: "approx125mg"]

Exp Year: 2016ExpID: 113739
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Dec 12, 2019Views: 1,039
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Alone (16), Overdose (29), Bad Trips (6), Combinations (3)

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