Citation: sweatypie. "Ugliness, Screaming, and Finding Immortality: An Experience with Pharmahuasca (Moclobemide & DMT) & Benzodiazepines (exp113764)". Erowid.org. Nov 26, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113764
This is my recallings of my first pharmahuasca experience where I combined the MAOI/RIMA called moclobemide with orally ingested DMT-extract.
Background; I have quite a bit of previous experience with drugs. I have tried LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, 2C-B, MDMA, variants of amphetamine, benzos, ketamine, nitrous, cannabis, and various combinations of them. I smoked DMT once with very little effect. I have used moclobemide before to potentiate 2C-B.
I smoked DMT once with very little effect. I have used moclobemide before to potentiate 2C-B.
I have had mostly pleasant experiences with all drugs, the worst experiences always being from bad set or setting, or when the body load was too much for me, but have never regretted anything I’ve tried and done. I have psychiatric problems, some of which have temporarily gotten worse from some drugs and temporarily or permanently better from others, and some remaining unchanged. I am also neurodivergent.
For a while I’ve felt like it was time for me to dive deep into the DMT-experience, and not liking the way smoking it made me feel, I decided to use it orally with my left over moclobemide instead.
I couldn’t find much information about using moclobemide with DMT so I felt I had to experiment and use my best judgement about how to go about the dosage. I was not content ending up with a sub-threshold experience so I wanted to make sure it was more than enough. What I read was that most people used 150mg moclobemide and between 50-150mg of DMT.
I wanted to have this experience alone, because I did not feel comfortable beforehand to have any of my available friends present. I have taken many substances on my own before and naively thought I could handle this on my own as well.
It started off bad when I ingested more moclobemide than intended – I thought my tablets were 150mg, but after having swallowed, I noticed it said 300mg on the package. Not a fan of puking, I felt I had no choice but to accept my fate.
An hour after ingesting the 300mg moclobemide I swallowed a capsule containing 90mg extracted DMT that I had weighed myself. I swallowed it with a vitamin C carbon tablet drink, and then swallowed 150mg moclobemide to make sure the short half-life of it would not make the trip too short, and ate a hard boiled egg with some apple juice to get my stomach to start digesting the capsule.
After that, I went to bed and listened to some music, and felt what I think was the effects of the moclobemide. I felt foggy in my mind, nauseous, bloated, but relatively sober in my mind. I got a bit worried that I was suffering from MAOI-toxicity but let go of that fear as I didn’t think it would kill me.
Then, out of nowhere, like a fucking wall to the face the DMT started to kick in. I suddenly felt a tingling sensation that left me paralyzed and everything I saw was immensely intense. I closed my eyes and saw a giant fairy dancing in front of me in a great hall. Then there was no difference between closing my eyes and having them open, because I saw the world with my eyes closed as well. I saw a sentient machinery, seemingly pointlessly moving things around in a pattern. The nausea subsided but that didn’t matter much.
The chronology and exactly what happened after that is hard to recall. I remember still being in bed when I started to hang onto the thought of ”I wanted this, so now I have to suffer through this”, but I really wanted it to stop, I wanted to sleep or die or anything. I started to feel an extreme panic. The whole world took on a sinister attitude, laughing at me, voices whispering, my thoughts echoing, everything overwhelming me, and I saw the ugliest colors I could ever imagine, colors so horrible I’d rather die than live in a world where they were the only colors. Thinking about it now still makes me nauseous. I remember running to the bathroom, making weird crying noises, not like my regular crying noises, uglier and more naked, asking the universe for it to stop, throwing off all my clothes on the floor and trying to puke to get any of the substances out but with no success, nothing would come out. I remember feeling the taste and smell of DMT and I hate that taste and smell, it was awful. I then gave up on the puking and laid down naked on the cold tile floor. The coldness was soothing and I felt a bit calmer for a little while, the whispering voices making calming noises as if to hush me to sleep while I saw brightly lit spirals under my eyelids. Then I remembered I had a warm bed, so I went there with some effort. At some point I managed to, through activating my anger against the laughing entities, get focused enough to get a glass of water, find my benzos, and take what I think was 5mg diazepam and 0.5mg alprazolam. I remember looking at the world at that point and it was dark and round and ugly, with ugly shapes and ugly colors and it didn’t help to close my eyes and I knew there was such a thing as sobriety but I had no concept left of what that meant, how to return to it or if I ever would.
I then realized I could call for help, so with much effort I managed to text my boyfriend who lives close by to come over. He was over in 7 minutes but it felt like an eternity.
At the time he arrived I was freaking out, but the noise of the key turning and the door opening was a tremendous relief. I don’t remember exactly what happened then, but I remember running to meet him in the hallway, crying, thinking or saying that I’m sorry and regret what I have done, and then I remember lying on the floor, on the carpet by my bed. He sat by my side, telling me in the most calming voice and reassuring face that everything was going to be alright, that everything was fine, that he was there to help, that he was going to help, that I was fine, that this was fine, that what I’ve done was okay, that it would be okay, while googling how to deal with the situation. At some point he managed to get me to swallow more benzos (he knew I had already taken some but not how much, but I kept asking for more so he gave me 0.5mg clonazepam).
As I lied on the floor, I was thrashing about while hugging a pillow and saying probably nonsensical things to my boyfriend. I went into complete ego death, I could not tell that I had a body or what that meant or what or where I was, what an ”I” was even, and I experimented with different ways of manipulating the world, finding my nervous system again. I went through something that now feels like it was a purging; I did not vomit, as is traditional, but I screamed and screamed and screamed. ”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” while pulling my hair and rolling around and trying to understand what was happening and what I was supposed to do. (In retrospection I feel lucky no one called the landlord or police from the noise.)
I then entered a state that I cannot find words that describe it, partly because it seems to be one of those experiences that is completely untranslatable to the sober mind. I was trying to interpret my vision and perceptions in general and I just couldn’t make sense of anything. I tried coming back to a reality I remembered, but I realized every reality I remembered had happened a million times before. It was an intense feeling of having done everything, everywhere, throughout history, of being all the people I’ve met, of being the books I’ve read, and not read, and all books yet to be written, of being the science being made, of being the people I hate who are trying to get me to fit into society, of being my boyfriend, of having been them all and being them all forever, and this experience helped calm me down a bit. I stopped resisting. I saw myself omnipotently creating the universe, from different places, just not ”locally” by being there with this perception that happens in my specific brain. I stopped resisting anything and everything because everything just made sense, in a universe that unfolds and plays and happens over and over. At that point I thought this was going to be my experience forever, and I was okay with that, because it felt familiar and interesting, even when painful and scary.
In that state, I then saw all the stories of the universe play out, accompanied by the fitting emotions and reactions. I saw pain and war and hate, I saw loneliness, I saw togetherness, I saw love, I saw pleasure, I felt them intensely in my whole body, making faces and gestures to express them, I felt the tragedy of pain and the pleasure of love, and I saw that there is no such thing as death. But it was too much, everything was too much and I wanted for it to stop, I wanted to sleep, or to die, but there was no way for it to stop. I felt sick and tired of the tearing of war and peace, love and hate, I wanted it to stop, I wanted for everything, the whole universe, to just shut up and calm down and go away. I felt like the benzos should make me fall asleep but the concept of sleep disappeared, because where do I go when I sleep?
I felt like the benzos should make me fall asleep but the concept of sleep disappeared, because where do I go when I sleep?
And where do I go when I die? And then I knew that I, the universe, will always be here, just in different shapes and different forms and with different pains and different pleasures. Different wars, different loves, different loneliness and togetherness. There is no death, only moving to different levels of existence. And I felt and saw how just like I felt the skin of my boyfriend against mine and how I love that, so the carbon atoms in me feel the electrons of each other against each other and love that. So above, so below. The same went into the macro-scale, but I find it harder to describe in words. I was Gaia, I was the galaxy, I was the cluster of galaxies, I was the whole never ending universe in love with itself, just bound to this avatar, playing this simulation of ”human”, using these eyes and hands and tools, these concepts of right and wrong and morals and money, at this specific level of existence. Humans are not immortal, but the universe is.
And of all the stories that unfold in me, in the universe, I love love the most. And I saw my fantastically beautiful boyfriend, who was there with me, who puts up with me even though I self-destructively keep doing stupid shit like this to myself, who loves me and who I love, who’s never angry with me, who just wants me like I am, and I was just so happy and hugged him tightly in the most genuine and pleasurable way I ever have. I told him wholeheartedly that he’s the most beautiful thing I know and that I love him so much and that I’m sorry for being like this. I hugged him and was him and he was me and we were the universe together and it was so fantastic and beautiful and I knew that I wanted to focus more on love, on being love and giving love and spreading love and being open to receiving love.
At some point we moved to the bed, lying naked under the sheets, me laughing and whispering profound truths that probably sounded like nonsense to him.
At one point I saw that I cannot see me, but I can feel me, and I can see what I reject, that my psyche (the rules of the sum of the perceptions) rejects things in order to see something to play with. I woke up from the matrix, stepped out completely from it all, and saw how I created myself, and keep creating myself, and always have and always will, that I the Universe am this and create this and I saw myself as the Ouroboros eating and creating itself for eternity. I saw my psychic tail, I saw my shadow, I saw the me that is not the center of me. I felt my voidness, I felt the energy of existence. From what I know about the concept of ”enlightenment”, I’d say that’s what I experienced. A breakthrough experience?
I eventually returned back to human reality enough to figure out that I have a pleasurable body and that sex is a function of it, and it was a funny concept, thinking about that dance where one part of the universe moves rhythmically into another part of it, and I wanted to try it, so we had sex, and it was wonderful och intense and I felt myself as the animal I’ve always known myself to be, biting and clawing and hugging and humping and coaxing and devouring. I felt released, like I’ve found my true sexual impulse.
After that I kept having similar experiences as the ones I’ve described, in lesser and lesser intensity, as I returned to a more sober state (although with the drunkenness of a lot of benzos in me). I felt at ease, happy it was over, shook by the whole experience, angry and sad and regretful that I did this to myself, and confused by the fact that my wish to die was still there, even though I know there is no death.
When I was sober enough we went for a walk to get some fresh air, and then went to bed. When I tried to sleep, it’s like I started tripping again, merging with the universe, seeing with my eyes closed, seeing things far away, feeling myself being everything, and tossed and turned and confessed feelings of guilt and shame and love to my boyfriend (who was fast asleep apparently). I did eventually get some sleep, probably thanks to the benzos.
The day after I was still very shook from the experience, mostly because the ugly world that laughed at me still haunted me, but also because I had experienced something so world shattering as feeling complete oneness with god, and feeling the immortality of the universe, so in trying to deal with those feelings and to make sure I could put into words and remember the important stuff, I started writing this.
While writing, I felt nauseous, I cried, I pulled my hair, I hugged my legs for comfort, I tensed up in my whole body, I wanted to scream, I stared blankly into space, but it was cathartic to see the experience translated into words, to get some of it out of my system.
The whole day I could not stop thinking about how I wanted everything to just stop, for the universe to shut up, for me to die, but how I also knew that there is no death in the literal sense, there is no end. On this plane of existence, my experience is painful and overwhelming. I consulted a forum online for advice, and a few things helped me deal better with it; this place of existence is a blessing, because here I have a mouth that I can taste yummy things with, and skin to feel nice things against, unlike how for example a galaxy or an atom exists. I also realized there were clues about my place in this existence from the ugly mocking world – I’m an artist and I’ve been struggling with inspiration for a long time, and that feeling of ugliness can inspire me a lot to make the world a prettier place. Also the fact that I am easily overloaded by my senses is something that I need to be more respectful of towards myself, to cut down on psychedelics, intense activities, clutter, and to be more calm and mindful. It made me feel like I could use this experience very constructively.
The night after that I barely slept at all. It felt like had forgotten how to sleep because of the feeling of death not existing and because of the question ”where do I go when I’m asleep?”. I kept drifting into hypnogogic dreaming that felt like I was tripping again, I kept melting into unity with everything, seeing the fractal-dance of the universe, feeling myself dancing it, and I was so tired, I just wanted to get some sleep, as a lesser death. I kept tossing and turning, moving around, trying to focus on my breath in a way that usually helps me fall asleep, but it didn’t help, the images and sensations remained and kept me awake. I involuntarily kept trying to get something, a feeling maybe, out of the system, tensing up, making faces and making a jerking movement with my whole torso. I hyperventilated at some point from the intensity of the experiences so that my boyfriend woke up and just held me tight (he later told me he thought I had woken up from a nightmare). Eventually I went to get some fruit yogurt and write down some thoughts and sent to a friend, and then had 2,5mg of diazepam and went back to bed. The intense feelings subsided, but I still could not fall asleep properly, even though I did sleep for a few hours here and there.
The following day I felt more at peace, more okay with existing forever, more okay with what happened to me. I felt a new mindfulness, and a trust in that things will work out, because there’s nothing to worry about, since the universe is just an endless dance.
I'm still integrating this experience.
I'm still integrating this experience.
It was a tough one, and it's been long since I was that scared. Still, I will try pharmahuasca again, but with lower doses of both substances, and with an experienced trip sitter who can guide me through the pain. What I did was stupid and I would never recommend doing it like this, but it was still insightful for me, and I learned a lot.
Timeline of the trip:
t+0 Ingestion of 300mg moclobemide
t+1h Ingestion of 90 mg DMT and 150mg moclobemide
t+1:10h Effects kicking in fast
t+1:20h? Taking benzos
t+1:25h Calling for help
t+1:32h Help arriving
t+1:40? More benzos
t+4h Almost back to sober
t+6h Went to bed to sleep
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