DOSE:		oral	Pharms - Sildenafil
			LSD
			Various

BODY WEIGHT:

75 kg

LSD, Porn Addiction & Child Abuse

Background: I'm a 36 year-old male, stable life. 4 years ago I learned about my unfortunate childhood story - I was raped as a 3-year old kid by a family member. In the path of my trauma recovery, altered states of mind have been my main tool, but also psychotherapy, bodywork, meditation, breathwork.

I have always felt myself heterosexual, without any weird sexual tendencies. I see my last romantic relationship as sexually fulfilling. Yet I would describe myself as hypersexual, with frequent sexual thoughts, at times intense and confusing. Deep inside me there is a deep feeling of emptiness and lack of sexual fulfillment and connection throughout my life. As if my sexual energy was stuck and could not flow freely. I was a porn addict for more than a decade, with a daily consumption (1-2 hours) but not interfering with work. Initially I believed that I was just repressed and frustrated and that my consumption was essentially natural. But with the discovery of my child abuse I started to suspect that the porn consumption is a face of my trauma. Moreover, I suffered from erectile disfunction (ED) which I treated with sildenafil.

In this retrospective I will talk about roughly 7-10 trips alone on LSD, psilocybin, MDMA, 2c-b, 2c-b-fly and mescaline-hcl, which I will call Teachers. Occasionally these Teachers were flipped; sometimes I did N20 balloons and I always took sildenafil. I thought about the trips as some kind of healing rituals and I tried to prepare accordingly. At the beginning of the trips I did some body-work, meditations, healing intentions, dancing, shaking, but the trips turned quickly into watching girls on the web.

But at the same time I was putting my trust in the Teachers, hoping to talk to the Inner Healer and get a deeper contact with myself and my trauma and become whole. Or get to to the path of getting there.

Initially, watching HD porn looked awesome on psychedelics. Bodies seemed so beautiful. Made me feel high. Orgasms were mind-blowing. So I got into chasing the dragon. But soon the Teachers started to lift the veil and show me what is behind those pixels. The revelations were painful and devastating for my ego. For example, it happened to me, while watching a girl on a video, that I had the feeling of loosing myself. As if something alien was residing in my body. It was the spirit of that woman. I jumped out of the bed, went on the floor and started to tremble, shake, and make sounds like a nasty dog, barking at the alien spirit.

Once on LSD I ejaculated and after orgasm I was thrown into a space of endless void. I turned off porn. I tried to do something "good" like dance, or meditate, but all I felt was numb emptiness. All my life energy was drained out, sucked by something, ejaculated away from me. This kept for hours and left me depressed the next week. Another time I was on psilocybin, watching porn and masturbating, when the Teacher lifted the veil and I literally saw my own hand raping my own body. I quit immediately.

Since then, my relation to porn started to change. It was never like before, I was enlightened by the cruel truth behind my addiction. My ego was resisting, wanted to keep chasing the dragon, that illusion of the porn actor fucking a beautiful woman. But I started to surrender to the truth. I saw how thirsty for love I was, how I did not receive love from my parents and the only means to cover the void was to escape to a fantasy world of porn, because there was always an actress ready to love me.

A few months later I committed fully to the preparation for an Ayahuasca journey. I quit porn and masturbation and I did not return to porn consumption again.

At the time of writing this report, it has been more than 4 months that I'm free from porn. I feel no cravings at all. I am on a path of healing my sexuality naturally, using techniques like tantra, yoga, de-armouring, etc., learning to relate to my own body from the heart. I am grateful for the Teachers for what they showed me.

Hope this retrospective adds to humanity's knowledge about our relation with psychedelics, trauma, addiction and spirituality.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 113925
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 36
Published: Oct 9, 2021	Views: 682
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LSD (2) : Sex Discussion (14), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Retrospective / Summary (11), Alone (16)