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Slowly Emerging From Darkness
Bufo alvarius Secretion
Citation:   Ellie. "Slowly Emerging From Darkness: An Experience with Bufo alvarius Secretion (exp114005)". Feb 4, 2020.

50 mg vaporized Toad Venom
    oral Pharms - Alprazolam
    oral Pharms - Lorazepam
  5 - 10 mg oral Pharms - Escitalopram
I had my experience with Bufo, or 5Meo-DMT on a clear summer day last June. We were 4 people in a house surrounded by nature. A shaman had come from Chicago to administer it, and we had a ceremony with intentions and blessings. We all sat in a circle and we each got an eye mask. Prior to this, I had experienced San Pedro and Ayahuasca once before, and had a wonderful experience with both. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience.

The shaman sat with each person as we did it, and I was the 2nd in the circle. The first girl inhaled, started laughing, said “this is amazing” and lied down. Then my turn came, I remember starting to inhale and then I was out. All I remember was a sudden rush of bright light, and I was enveloped in black and white geometric patterns. I was at one with the light and speed and the patterns, I had no sense of self. The experience was void of feeling of emotion. No humanity.

My first thought as I emerged from it was “how can I live in this world after having had this experience”
My first thought as I emerged from it was “how can I live in this world after having had this experience”
, but I can’t remember what the experience was and what I meant by it. It was so intense, but not in itself scary. After the first rush, I came to, and remember getting some glimpses of light through the eye mask, it was incredibly bright blue. Then after an hour of lying there we got up. I felt fine. I was told that I had sat up after the shaman lied me down, taken off my mask and looked at her as if "No f...... way", but she put it back on again and lied me down and then I was quiet.

The rest of the day was ok, no big reaction or emotions. I stayed for a bit hanging out with the others, then drove home later. I did not sleep very well, I kept having flashbacks, which was uncomfortable, but not terrorizing. The next day I felt fine, a bit tired due to the lack of sleep, but at peace. The following morning, 2 days later, I woke up as if I woke up from the dead, it was like I emerged from complete darkness. No memories of any dreams, and for the first time in my entire life, I hadn’t gotten up to use the restroom, or if I did, I’d forgotten. It was if I had been immersed in complete darkness. I woke up in panic. That whole day went by and the anxiety never left. I’d never suffered from anxiety before, it was new to me.

That evening I went to a psychedelic support group I’d heard about and met a guy who had given someone seiko. He came over to me, I told him how I felt, he stood next to me and after a few seconds I started shaking/vibrating. He said he was giving me shaktipat, energy. I went home and went to bed, feeling really distressed. The following night I barely slept, I fell asleep but woke up shaking all over, with my teeth clattering, not understanding what was going on with me. It caused me so much anxiety. I also had all sorts of crazy images rushing through my mind. Random, rushing, speedy images. I contacted the shaman who told me to walk in nature, so I did; on the beach and on the grass, but nothing changed. I feel like I had become a different person. I had strange and dark thoughts rushing through my mind that didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I had been taken over by a dark and foreign force, and it scared me so much.
I felt like I had been taken over by a dark and foreign force, and it scared me so much.
My thoughts were not mine, they came out of nowhere and left in a rush. My sense of self was distorted. It was as if I had been possessed. Something “other than me” had taken over. I did not have the feeling of being in a different place, the “I” was charged. I did not hallucinate, I knew who I was and what was real. The week went by without any changes. I barely slept, except for when my friend Max came over, spent the night and gave me Xanax.

I was so hesitant to take it, the shaman had told me NOT to take anything because it would lower my vibration. But, I needed to sleep so I gave in and took it, and felt much better. The first time I took a Xanax, I woke up feeling more at peace, and I thought the worst was over, but then a few hours later the strangeness and anxiety came back.

A week went by and I was utterly miserable, constant anxiety and lack of sleep. I barely ate, no appetite. Then one day I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t live another day like that, so I went to ER. After a few hours I was given an Ativan, which is a tranquilizer similar to Xanax but longer lasting. My friend Peter came and picked me up.

I slept well that night and the following morning I woke up in peace and I thought I was better. The day went by and I felt fine…I wanted to sleep at Peter’s just to not be alone, so that evening I went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night frozen in panic. I jolted up in bed, not knowing who I was or where I was.

It was as if I was in the middle of the galaxy. Darkness and stars all around. A week went by, and I finally went to see a psychiatrist, who said that when I took the bufo, all the serotonin had been released in my brain, and now I was suffering from too little serotonin, which is what caused the anxiety. It took 2 days for it to happen, that’s why I didn’t feet anxious right away. She prescribed me Lexapro, and Ativan, which I started taking on a regular basis. I don’t like taking western medicine, but I couldn’t bear the thought of living anymore feeling the way I did, so I started taking it and gradually started feeling better.

I went from 5 to 10 mg Lexapro, and when the stronger dose kicked in, I gradually stopped the Ativan. In the beginning the Ativan saved me, it helped me sleep and lessened my daily anxiety. It’s been 7 months now, and I’m not really anxious anymore, but I still feel a feeling of “otherness”. It was not the normal kind of anxiety, I wasn’t worried about anything, I felt like it was who I am. The shaman said it was a divine blessing, and that whatever happened to me had to happen, this just sped it up. I highly doubt it, as It didn’t bring up any old anxieties or issues, the bufo just affected me in the worst way. Maybe I got an overdose, which the shaman denies. Maybe I was allergic to it…a friend suggested I might have had a panic attack while taking it, and it keeps being reactivated, which causes the fear.

Another friend suggested I could have picked up the energy of someone else in the group. Is this a physical, mental, spiritual or psychological issue I’m asking myself. I went to see the psychiatrist the other day, who said that it seemed like something had happened which was stored in the subconscious.

I wonder what happened to me. What is it that I can’t member. What is it that is stored in my subconscious. A girl I know said it sounds like I had opened up to the shamanic realms and maybe doing an Aya ceremony with a skilled shaman would be helpful. I can’t do it now because of the Lexapro. Maybe.. I’m changed though, I feel like I opened up to a different realm. But, it’s not making me anxious. Can’t explain it in any other way right now.

Exp Year: 2019ExpID: 114005
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 53
Published: Feb 4, 2020Views: 3,246
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Toad Venom (46) : Group Ceremony (21), Post Trip Problems (8), Overdose (29), Guides / Sitters (39), Health Problems (27), First Times (2)

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