DOSE:	100 - 120 mg	oral	Pharms - Pentobarbital
	30 mg	insufflated	Pharms - Pentobarbital

BODY WEIGHT:

128 lb

Insomnia has plagued me my entire life. It started when I was 13. Puberty kicked in, and one night I just stopped sleeping. Throughout high school I tried many remedies: magnesium, melatonin, chloral hydrate, alcohol, Sonata, Ativan, Xanax, and Ambien. None really gave me extended relief. For a short time, I dabbled with uppers and hallucinogens, but because they interfered with my sleep, my tenure was short. Now, at the age of 18, my insomnia has really come to a head. My doctor, an old geezer, is sympathetic. He is at least 70 years old, which means he began practicing medicine in the 1950s, back when barbiturates were considered tasteful. It’s 2001, and despite 50 years of evolving prescribing practices, he remains a purist as he hands me a script for something I’ve never heard of. I fumble trying to pronounce the letters… Nem-bu-tal. Nembutal. Wtf is Nembutal, I ask myself? My doctor says the generic, pentobarbital, might be cheaper. Thinking nothing of it, I go on with my day.

I take the script to my local pharmacy and hand it to the pharmacist. He reads it over, and he looks uneasy. He looks back down at me. "Your doctor prescribed you this?", trying to not sound interrogatory but failing miserably. I shrug and give an expression as if to say ‘don’t look at me, I just work here’. I haven’t filled this medication in 20 years, he says. He turns me away.

I get home and break out the yellow pages and look up every pharmacy in the metro area. One by one I start calling. Do you carry Nembutal, my tone carefully crafted as to not sound too eager? That medication was discontinued in 1999, says the pharmacist. Mystique is in the air. I look at my unfilled script: am I sitting on a gold mine? I call more pharmacies but get more of the same: no. What about pentobarbital, do you carry that? Sorry, no. I’m almost defeated as I call one of the last numbers in the yellow pages, and again ask if they carry Nembutal. I’m going to put you on hold while I check, says the pharmacist. I’ve been here before; I already know what she’s going to say. My inner monologue reassures me: at least you tried. I’m just shy of conceding when the pharmacist returns on the phone: yes, we have it in stock. Pure elation. Without giving her space to say anything else I tell her I’m on my way to pick it up. I’m not taking any chances; this could literally be the last bottle of Nembutal in the state of Colorado.

I get there. The pharmacist says it will take 30 minutes to fill. Wanna come back, she asks? I’ll wait. Time slows down, and minutes begin to feel like hours. After what feels like eternity, she returns. I pay and she hands me my Nembutal. I’m about to burst. Not wanting to look like a drug addict, I casually walk away, but as soon I’m out of her line of sight I dart to my car. Even though I haven’t the faintest idea what Nembutal is, I know I made the score of a lifetime. I rip open the bag. The bottle reads: Nembutal sodium, 100mg, qty 30, yellow capsules. I’m sober today, but now I’m ready to be unsober.

I arrive home, and I don’t waste any time. Experience tells me to take this medication on an empty stomach, and so I do - down the hatch! Ten minutes goes by and I begin to feel it, and man, does it feel good. A wave of euphoria hits me, not unlike being slapped by Ativan. I know Ativan well. I’ve taken it off and on for 2 years. But if Ativan slaps my gaba receptors, then Nembutal is a straight jab. The rush lasts a good 20 minutes, and now that it has faded I feel drunk. I’m relishing in this drunken euphoria that is strikingly similar to GHB, but toned down a notch. Better yet, if there was a common ground between Ativan and GHB, it’s Nembutal - the Goldie Locs of gaba: not too strong, not too weak, but just right. Everything is just all-around awesome, and to punctuate this feeling I pull out ‘The Talented Mr. Ripely’ from my extensive VHS library - my go-to movie when I’m high and alone. I press play. Everything feels perfect inside me as I watch Matt Damon fall into oblivion. I too am falling into oblivion. I’m out cold before the movie is over, and it’s the kind of sleep I’ve been chasing the past five years… deep.

The next day I invite my friend over; I wanna keep a good thing going! I empty out three yellow capsules onto the kitchen counter. My friend and I smudge our fingers in the 300mg mountain of Nembutal powder and lick them clean. My friend and I are all grins as the GHB-esque high blankets our bodies and minds. 30 minutes later, and Mt. Nembutal is almost depleted. I roll up a twenty-dollar bill sniffing up the remainder into nose. Damn that’s sweet. Once again, I feel drunk. The next few weeks are more of the same, and I’m hoping this lasts forever, but – like with all gaba drug – I’m learning there’s a fine line between being high and being in a stupor.

I fly to New York for my sister’s graduation. It’s hard to say what happens next because it’s an empty space. For three days I’m at her graduation celebration. I come home groggy and slightly unaware that I left town to begin with. The fog is fading and my mom is lecturing me about how high I was at my sister’s graduation. She disciplines me: I threw away the rest of that crap you were taking. Oh, mom you didn’t. She has no idea what I had to go through to get that medication. Because she can tell I’m not convinced, she shows me pictures from the graduation ceremony. I look at them. Sure enough, there I am standing next to my family, looking sluggish. Even though the mood is now somber, I’m amused because not even these colorful images are helping me recall a single frame of memory from the graduation ceremony… oh, drugs. I chuckle. 20 years later I’m still resentful at her because I know I will never again taste that sweet nectar called pentobarbital.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 114150
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Apr 6, 2020	Views: 2,834
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Pharms - Pentobarbital (815) : Various (28), Multi-Day Experience (13), Medical Use (47), Retrospective / Summary (11)